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I don't know what to do. Does anyone else feel this way?!?!?!

LaMareOssa's picture

I always thought if DH got custody things might be better. I thought we could help SD. I thought if I raised her and treated her just as I have raised and treated DD7, that she would be happy and healthy. Just like DD7. Clearly, this has not been the case. I met SD when she was 3. DH and I married when she was 4. Her BM is completely insane. Documented on paper. BM is the classic "Crazy BM" She is very manipulative, hostile, angry, jealous, resentful, criminal. use(ed) PAS, and is just a really bad person and parent in general.

When my family (Grandma, uncle, and mom) first met SD when she was about 3 1/2 or so, I really knew something was wrong with SD. I just always thought she had issues because she was young and her BM was filling her tiny head with awful things and that was why she was so 'strange' around me, besides the fact that I had never really been around children myself. My grandma later told/asked (I have blogged about it) me that "Something is wrong with that child, 'LaMare' She isn't right. Whats wrong with her?" My uncle is Verrry charismatic and people are drawn to him and I have noticed kids absolutely love him, but when SD met him..She was very .. weird. She refused to speak, to interact, and just had a terrible vibe about her. The look in her eyes wasn't right and I could never figure it out. And to this day, SD11 has a strange look in her eyes. Some days it actually looks evil. My mom has been around SD the most out of family. My mom is a very loving person and always gives everyone 3rd and 4th chances and always the benefit of doubt. She has said over and over that “Her mom has really messed that little girl up, and honestly, I don't know if you can ever help or change that. I love you'LaMare' but you keep an eye on that child around my grand babies. I don't trust her, she gives me a terrible feeling.” I always thought it was mostly BM's fault that SD was the way she is..But not I'm wondering if SD is the way she is because that's who she is as a person. Just one of those negative people out there.

I've tried over and over to get close to her, and I thought it would be easier to bond with her when DH got full sole custody of her back in January of 2012. The first 2 or 3 months, I thought things were going to work out. It didn't and hasn't. She has gotten hateful. She isn't being violent, but she is very passive aggressive and quite sneaky. I have heard her say mean things to DD7 and DS4.. Most of her issues lie in her jealousy of DD7. I have talked about this before; SD11 is very very jealous of DD7 because of her grades, sweetness, and friends. DD7 is a very loving child. Highly intelligent and people are drawn to her and SD11 can't stand it. Because of SD11's bad attitude, she has lost a lot of friends at school and people don't enjoy being around her. She doesn't care about school or her grades and will make excuses for everything. But gets upset when DD7 has all above grade level marks on report cards. DH has told SD that she gets what she works for in regards to grade. If you don't care to try, you will not get very good marks.

I have to watch the children together because I don't trust SD. I'm not saying she Will hurt her little brother or sister, but I don't know that and I can't take a chance, just because of some things DH and I have discovered. I'm tired of always having to be on the look out for SD. I'm tired of SD completely shutting down and staring at the floor and pouting if I ask her to do something or to stop doing something. SD is one of those kids who will go to Daddy, even if she knows it's mine and ask him if she can have it..While I'm standing there. I'm mentally exhausted from worrying. And it's gotten to the point where just being around SD11 makes me irritable and grouchy as hell. I try very hard to not let her very presense piss me off (stupid, I know) but it does and I hate it. I have gotten to the point where I don't even like to speak to her because of how hateful she is. She doesn't give me snotty attitude outright, it's more passive aggressive attitude and hard to explain. I guess I have pretty much disengaged. I VERY much look forward to the EOW when SD goes over to her grandparents house to see her other brother and sister from BM.

Does anyone else feel irritated at their Skids very presense?


LaMareOssa's picture

Ya know.. I used to dread DH's every other weekend. I would feel anxious on those Fridays. I dont know what I was thinking when I thought it would it get better if SD actually lived here.

I really miss the EOW's!!! Sad

WarmBody's picture

Biology and genes matter more than you think when it comes to personality. Upbringing makes a difference but there's a lot that comes out of the genes.

LaMareOssa's picture

Very true and I am seeing it first hand. DH and I have DD7 and DS4.. Our kids are great! Both very very happy little people all around. They're awesome (Proud mom moment lol) and I honestly thought if DH and I raised SD the same way we did DD and DS, that she would be like that too..Just happy. She's not. I remind myself every day thats it's not MY fault that SD is a miserable person because our kids ARE happy and that I'm not terrible if my kids are this happy. It has to be genetics.

hereiam's picture

I am trying to think if there was ever a single nanosecond that I wanted DH to have custody.


RedWingsFan's picture

^^^THIS. And actually had DH ever gone for full custody of that bitch from Hell, I'd likely have not lasted very long before moving the fuck out.

LaMareOssa's picture

Sad I encouraged DH to go for custody. I helped him a lot. I was like a para legal for him. I didn't really want SD here, but I honestly thought it would help. I only wanted to help this child. Completely back fired on me. Sad

hereiam's picture

I know what you mean about the shame.

I did expect, and was prepared for her to want to live with us at some point but, thankfully, it never happened.

She's 21 now so the welcome mat has been pulled.

JustAnotherSM's picture

Are your DD and DS also DH's kids?

Like you, I also thought that DH and I could help our SS. We got custody of SS at age 13. My new baby with DH wasn't even a year old yet. I knew that things would be tough at first, but I had hopes that we could all be a big happy family.

Turns out that SS was extremely jealous of the baby. The reason? It didn't seem fair to SS that baby has the chance to grow up in a loving household with 2 parents while SS didn't. From SS's point of view - he was deserving of that love too. But no matter how much love DH and I showered him with, it just wasn't the same as having both of his parents working together in his best interest. Everything between BM and DH was always a fight (she's undocumented crazy but shares many of the traits you used to describe your BM) so he never felt supported by both parents.

I wonder if your SD is having similar feelings of jealousy and doesn't know how to express it? My SS wasn't able to admit his feelings until he was 18 or 19.

LaMareOssa's picture

DD7 and DS4 are DH's children. SD is in counseling because of the craziness her BM has put her through. SD might have those feelings, but has not talked about it.

MotherTrucker's picture

Seriously, everything you described about your SD is my SD to a T. She isn't outright mean or hurtful, she is very passive aggresive. She will go to her daddy when I tell her no and ask him also. She will say terrible mean things to her little sisters when she thinks no one is listening. She pouts and hides in her room or stares at the floor when told to do something she doesn't want to do or is being repremanded. Her teacher says she just doesn't care to pay attention in class. I feel your pain.

LaMareOssa's picture

OMFG!!! Exactly!!! Wow! SD does that! She will hide in her room as well. She stares at the floor! I have caught her saying things to DD and BS (MostLY DD) when she thinks no one can hear or is around.. Which is why they are no longer allowed to play outside of ear shot/or vision. :jawdrop:

MotherTrucker's picture

YUP! I don't want my girls left alone with her at all! When she is called out on what she says, she will deny deny deny, even if I heard her say it. I think with SD it is a jealousy thing too because she was an only child until my girls came along. I am at a point where I don't even want them to interact with each other. My girls are too little to understand. All they want to do is play with her and don't understand why she is mean to them.

tryingmom's picture

I used to have that "brace yourself Effie" feeling prior to skid weekends. What fresh hell will be unleashed at me?? Now, not so much. DH is no longer Disney Dad and he has really stopped putting up with their rude behavior.

We recently had a view in what it would be like to have at least one of the skids at our home full time. It wasn't horrible until the ever present BM would call to talk on speakerphone to her precious. He was rude to her, distracted in the conversation and when she'd tell him to do something, he'd do it (Contrary to what we told him to do). Love the guy but DH and I both said....enough. We would take them if needed but BM would be very limited on communication with them. Visitation would have to be supervised for her as she ramps up the PAS.

I fear that becoming our reality, but most of the time I just let go and enjoy them now. If it gets bad, I can always retreat to my room.

mommabear's picture

Every.Single.Day they are there.. I feel the same.. their very presence makes the hair on the back of my neck stand on end.. and when I walk in the door and the first thing I hear is one of them whining about, "I want, want, want, want... ".. I have to fight the irresistible urge to turn around and walk right back out the door Sad

I hate being in my own home when they are there. I wish I could pack a bag and take my boys on a trip every other weekend.. DH would get to spend time with his preciouses, and I would get to spend valuable time with my boys.. it's a win-win, right? lol Try telling DH that!!

LaMareOssa's picture

Yeah.. Good luck with that! lol For so long I felt like leaving with DD (Before DS was born) when DH would have his weekend. I just distanced myself. Further and further...

StillRixchick's picture

Been living this way every day for almost 9 years now...wish DH and I had never moved in together. Having a drama ridden SD and a guilty, wimpy dad is a nightmare Sad