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DisneyLand without SD!!! Wow!! Should I feel horrible?

LaMareOssa's picture

So, BD4 will officially be 5 in June. And my MIL offered to take us all to DisneyLand in CA. for her birthday!!!! BUTTTTTT...wait for it...

SD will not be going with us. DH and I have usually waited to do ANYTHING until SD is here. But since lately she has been choosing not to see DH for his weekends, DH has decided we will not plan our lives around SD anymore. I know that it is BMs responsibility to make sure SD comes for her visits, but SD has made it pretty clear that it's SOOOO HORRIBLE here. She acts bored, moody or just rude when shes been around lately and I'm tired of it. Sorry SD, I'm not going to run you around all weekend to different activities and shopping. That is not how a real family works. We have responsibilities heres at home; Like cleaning house, doing laundry and grocery shopping.

So, MIL said that she will take us all down to DisneyLand in June for bio daughters birthday. She made it sound as if SD was unwelcome. I feel bad in away. But, SD has already been to DisneyLand with BM a few years ago. I'm not going to tell BD5 that she cant go because SD cant go. I sure as hell dont want to miss this opportunity with our family to do this. Ugh..I feel bad.

And, this Saturday DH and I booked a ride on an old steam train up to lake to go for an egg hunt and meet the easter bunny. SD wont be going to this either. It's not DHs Easter with SD. Sad SD is going to be livid when she finds out we actually did something without her. Just the other day, DH told SD that we going camping without her and she got really hateful about it. ugh...


Jsmom's picture

We are taking a cruise this Christmas with my entire family and SD15 is not invited. She chooses not to be active with this family so she is not going. I told DH, I did not want her there. I want to enjoy myself not deal with a pissy teenager who is never happy. Don't feel guilty, if she doesn't want a real relationship with her dad, she doesn't get to do the fun stuff.

Rags's picture

TMI! Gets you in trouble every time. Don't tell SD what you are doing or have done when she is not with you.

If she finds out later, so be it.

What you do when she is not visiting is irrelevant to SD and BM so why share it?

IMHO if course.

LaMareOssa's picture

Oh no, we're not telling her. I'm sure my DD5 will not be able to keep quiet about the train ride..SD will hear all about it on her next visit. Same with DisneyLand, we're not telling her before and again, I'm sure my DD will not be able to contain her excitement when she comes home. SD will hear about it.

DaizyDuke's picture

>>SD will hear all about it on her next visit<<

As she should! This drives me nuts.. your DD should not have to keep things secret, these things should be exciting to her, she should be able to voice her excitement. It's not her fault that your SD has a bug up her butt about something and hasn't been coming around. Your DD should not have to feel guilty about SD missing out and neither should you!! Wink

Rags's picture

I absolutely agree that DD should be excited and be able to express those feelings. I also agree that the adults should not feel guilty about doing things when non resident Skids are not available or when resident Skids are on visitation with the NCP. Resident kids should not be forced to suppress their excitement about what goes on in their home and in their families just as non resident skids should not be prohibited from expression excitement about something they did at the CPs.

Not to say that non resident kids should be tortured and teased about what they missed or that resident kids should be tortured or teased about what the NRKs did at the CPs..

My SS had to deal with the repercussions of what he has been able to do in our home and in our family and how unfair it is that his SpermIdiot half sibs don't get to do the same things as well as how it is not fair that his half sibs don't have the nice things that our son has. :?

We would never limit what we can provide for our son because the SpermIdiot and SpermClan can't provide similar things for the half sibs.

We only have the one kid (SS-18) so other than the whining of the SpermClan we have had little problems with this issue.

However, after the first several years of marriage to my wife I finally had to put my foot down and insist that we would no longer postpone vacations or other special activities if SS was on visitation to SpermLand. If the activity or vacation was that enjoyable we did it again when SS could be there but we did not forego vacations, etc just because SS was not home to participate.

Best regards,

Auteur's picture

I wouldn't feel guilty but with the BM PASing out SD, this is a no win situation. To be honest, SD should not be "choosing" to have visits or not. This sets a precedent of "daddy optional." It also reinforces the "mommy rules and daddy and SM drool" school of non-parenting.

Good for you (peace and quiet) Bad for the whole situation and just makes the guilt factor that much higher in DH.

Believe me, down the road, SM ALWAYS gets blamed for the PAS that the BM started.

Sounds like your DH is similar to GG who just would rather ignore the whole ugly situation than make waves with the BM.

Not so good.

caregiver1127's picture

We are going to Mexico soon and SS knows nothing about it but when he does find out he will be pissed I am going to tell him Hey we did not get to go to the European Country he is going to in June so you did not get to go with us tough crap!!!

twopines's picture

CG, I'm gleefully waiting for SD25 to start screaming when she finds out her brother is meeting DH, DD15 and me in California when we visit MIL. I don't think she's fully aware everyone except her is going. It's going to be classic.

Most Evil's picture

I hope you GO, and I hope you have a Great Time!!! Do not waste one minute feeling bad.

Maybe explain to Dd that she shouldn't discuss with SD as she is not going and you don't want her to feel left out. Or don't tell until the last minute - that way BM can't ruin it for you either!

DH has finally realized too, it is Miserable to go anywhere with SD19, everything must revolve around her at all times. Forget that!! Go girl!!!! Smile

Yme's picture

Go and enjoy! You and your bio daughter need the time away!! SD can just suck it up! When she blows up calmly tell her that the behavior she is displaying right now is WHY you all did not want her along on the trip...that vacations are ment to be relaxing and are not a time to cater to a spoiled brat who wants to pick and choose the time she spends with her "other" family....SD can either choose to spend all of her appointed time with you all (her DD and 1/2 sister) and "enjoy" the fun times and the normal family times (aka: chores/laundry/home time) OR miss out on ALL the family fun (aka: vacations)....that's life....we cant think that we can only go to work on payday and hold out our hand for a paycheck when we didnt go work all week....just the same in her life...She cant just not go to her visitation but expect to show up and be catered to on the days that "fun" things happen...
Good Luck and Mum's the word UNTIL you get back.........might even send a postcard to SD from DisneyLand if I were you!!!

Anon2009's picture

I remember seeing a similar blog about this issue recently and one of Rags' posts really resonated with me. He said, "it will all balance out in the end." I firmly believe that. When I was growing up I did not get to go on every single vacation with my mom, stepdad and stepsiblings. But I also got to do other fun things the stepsiblings didn't get to do. I got to travel the world with my paternal grandmother. They did not get to do that with their grandparents. As I got older I would try and remember that when I was jealous that they went somewhere I hadn't been. I think that's how you need to explain it to SD. You and DH could explain to her that she has been and will continue to go to places your bios haven't been before.

I would not tell her about the trip beforehand because I fear it will give BM more PAS ammunition. This can also be a good opportunity to teach BD how to tell SD about something she did without getting too "in your face" about it. Might SD be hurt? She probably will, and that's ok. But like I said, everything will balance out.