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SS5 split his head open. First group ER visit. I don't know how to feel.

Kona_California's picture

Sometimes I feel like my life is a movie because some of this stuff is just unbelievable. This feels like it's never ending.

Yesterday, BF told BM basically what you all suggested in my last blog entry. Barely a couple hours later, we come home with SS5, and not even 3 minutes after we walk in the door I hear him scream bloody murder. I ran over and SS5 somehow split open his forehead on the corner of a cusioned ottoman. I didn't see what he did, I have a feeling he was jumping on the couch. BF immediately said he's going to need stitches and we have to take him to the ER. The gash was so big it looked like a hole... poor kid was screaming bloody murder and blood was everywhere, all down his face. I whiped it down and put a butterfly bandaid on it to close it and it helped with the blood a lot.

BF told BM about it and said she was on her way. SS5 was really scared and hates hospitals since he's gone so much. Not because he has any chronic illness, it seems to just be his luck. So anything they did to him he would scream at the top of his lungs, push and kick. When they took the butterfly bandaid off he screamed, when they put a new adhesive with numbing ointment he screamed, when they took the adhesive off he screamed. I was hugging and consoling him the whole time before BM arrived. When BM walked in, I of course stepped away so she could console him. She completely ignored me and would only talk to BF. I spoke to her normally and told her what I saw happen. It was cordial and fine after that and we seemed to get along ok. I did my best to make sure it was as least awkwared as possible. Looking back, BF kind of ignored me when she was there and did act afraid. 

It turned out they wouldn't need to do stitches and would be using glue. They said they may have to put restraints on him for everyone's safety, but BF and BM said they could just hold him down. God it was such a nightmare. As they were drying the wound, which was numbed, his screams made my ears crack while he tried flailing and BF and BM held him down at the same time and the doctor and nurse were both trying to get him to chill out. I was standing aside just watching and it overwhelmed me so much. I felt like I was going to pass out at one point, I kept feeling like I needed to cry but did my best not to so I didn't freak SS5 out more. It lasted about 15-20 minutes but it felt like an eternity. 

Afterward, even though it was BF's day, he told SS5 he can go home with BM if he wanted. Whatever would make him feel better. Then SS5 stood in front of us and did the whole eenie meenie miney moe thing to us. He ended up wanting to go with his mom. BM was holding SS5's hand as we were leaving and BF went to hold SS5's other hand as I walked behind. My first thought is I shouldn't take any of this personally. We all went through a lot and making it about me would just be selfish. But I also couldn't help feeling stung.

SS5 left with BM, and on our way home BF remembered he had SS's antibiotics and backpack. He called her and the whole coordination made it look like email only was unreasonable. I feel like in a matter of hours the attempts at maintaining this boundary has been thwarted by SS just jacking himself up all the DAMN time. I might sound heartless... I'm venting but I do care.

I don't know how to feel about all this. I don't know what's too much and what I'm not being reasonable with. I don't even know how to have an arguement for email only anymore. 



susanm's picture

First, email only is still very appropriate.  It is never supposed to apply in ER situations.  They are always an exception and the most immediate form of communication is to be used whether it is phone or text or smoke signal.  The point of email only is for general every day communication that takes place 99% of the time.

Second, an ER visit is always awkward but you sound like you came through just fine.  Stepping back and letting the bio-parents deal with it once they get there is 100% appropriate.  Definitely do not expect to be thanked for anything you do.  I ended up in the ER covered in blood when my SS cut his hand so badly that the tendons were clearly visible.  I am the only one in the house with a "medical stomach" and everyone else was freaking out so it was up to me to staunch the bleeding and keep him from passing out until we could get him to the hospital.  Did BM bother to even mumble "hello" to me while I stood there looking like Carrie at the prom?  Not on your life.

But this is no reason to back down from email only.  ER = phone.  Everything else = email.

Aunt Agatha's picture

Only I wouldn't have gone to the ER.  Kid has two parents.  I'm not one of them.  It worked out for you and you did all the right things.  But avoid the awkward and let DH take the kid.  It's not like he was severely injured.  

advice.only2's picture

I agree with the rest, e-mail for all the non emergency items. In this instance yes it was a true emergency, allowing the kid to pick who he went home with was a bad move on dad's part.

Kona_California's picture

Yeah, I think he should have just gone home with us and stuck with the normal routine. Especially since next week is Spring break and BM has him the whole time. 

tog redux's picture

Yes, this was "that emergency" that you text or call for. NOW, back to email.

I would have gone and waited in the waiting room, if I went at all.  In some ways, this was good - if BM goes to court and says, HE WON'T CO-PARENT, he has this situation to point to.

Kona_California's picture

Good point about that fear of being taken to court over "not being a good enough co-parent"!

ESMOD's picture

I have been to the pediatric ER with my YSD and my DH and BM.  I went because she was hurt at a school practice and was airlifted to a hospital near us.  I was actually the closest person to the hospital she was being airlifted to.  DH was next and BM was a couple of hours drive away.  (she wasn't in the medflight because she wasn't at the practice). 

Initially, all we knew was that she had fallen during a cheer stunt and the local hospital refused to admit her and sent her by medflight to the bigger regional hospital.  We didn't know if she had a broken neck.. or anything really.

So.. I got there first in time to see them land and wheel her into the pediatric ER.. she saw me and was super pale but waved.. her dad arrived shortly thereafter and we were able to go in with her.  After a little bit BM blows in with the "I AM HER MOTHER" very loudly so everyone would know that I was NOT the mother.. lol.  Perfect timing as the insurance and financial responsibility forms had just arrived in the treatment room.. oh.. yess.. she is the mother.. she can sign.  hehehehe.

It turns out it was just a nasty full break on her arm and the local hospital sent her because they couldn't get a pulse in her hand and thought there might be torn blood vessels or arteries etc..   They tried to set her hand in the ER.. which was fun because BM was too squeamish to be in the room.. so she was out with me.. getting ME to calm her down and asking what they were doing to her baby.. so that was fun.. talking BM off the

It was not the most fun experience.. but I know that my SD appreciated that everyone was there with her... even me.  

notsurehowtodeal's picture

You handled it well. I think your feelings are totally normal - I would have felt the same way. This is no reason to change the way communication is handled. A phone call about the missing antibiotics was fine.

hereiam's picture

There are always exceptions to every rule and, of course, this was one of them. Back to email for non-emergency communication.

This is only a step backwards if your BF lets it be.

Kona_California's picture

This is a rational approach and way of thinking of the whole situation. When I talk to him I'm going to lead with this.

Kee-khe's picture

"BM was holding SS5's hand as we were leaving and BF went to hold SS5's other hand as I walked behind."

Jeez, I don't know how you do it. As selfish as it may seem, I totally would have left and been completely hurt. I get they are ss's parents, but they can be parents without giving the ilusión of "a little happy family of 3". As your BFs current SO, you should not have to experience that, or his "ignoring you while BM is there". He needs to be more considerate of your feelings. Especially if you plan to be his wife some day. 

Kona_California's picture

Yeah. That really hurt. Since reflecting on that I'm going to tell him I'm not comfortable with it. I think it confuses the kid too. Not to mention, at some point my feeling should matter. I'm pretty patient and do my best to not be selfish with this stuff, but common.

ndc's picture

My husband would not have called BM.  We would have taken the skid to the ER and then taken him home.  For a major injury he would of course call her, but not for a cut that needed stitches.  He'd let her know afterwards.

Your boyfriend calling BM is what resulted in you feeling left out and second, and I'm not quite sure why he had to do that.  Is there something in his CO that would require it?  Does he not feel competent to take care of his child without BM being involved?

Kona_California's picture

That's what I was thinking myself.... but if BM had SS and this happend while he was with her, my BF would want to be involved. That's one of the irritating things. To an extent he also wants to be too involved. 

Kee-khe's picture

I'm thinking maybe you should just leave the situation all together. Sounds like bf wants to be involved with BM too if it's to that extent. You deserve better.

tog redux's picture

Yeah, they seem to be in some sort of competition to be the best parent here - and neither of them can share. After that big ridiculous kerfuffle over the Tooth Fairy, it seems obvious that these two are still fighting the old battles from their marriage.  Then they both go to the ED, which okay, that's one thing - but BOTH have to hold his hand on the way out?

OP, your DH hasn't really resolved his need to compete with BM, IMO.

hereiam's picture

Right? Maybe he and BM should try to work it out and get back together so they can both be there for every.little.thing.

And maybe he will feel more appreciated, whatever the hell that means.

Harry's picture

The child has a cut. Not a life and death thing.  BF and Ex and child walking away hand in hand as a happy family tells it all.  BF has not really broken away from ex. That why you feel the way you feel. 
Your feeling are right.  The ex matters more then you.  The ex will always win. 
Doesn't matter what you do with e mails ,  in the end those two will do what they want to do. 

CLove's picture

It sounds like they are too enmeshed with each other - BF and BM - and there is not any room in their little triangle with SS for YOU.

The issues with your BF not feeling appreciated, then projected onto your SS - he wants you to join the competion, naturally. He wants you to make a BFD about HIS CHILD.

If he is like this NOW, just think how it will be in the future! These days I hear a lot about this thing called "child worship". Could your BF be showing symptoms?