justperfectlyflawed's picture

almost EVERY night we have the skids for dinner....except Wed nights and every other weekend. Last night my SS bitched and moaned about dinner and I said "OK--well instead of making you eat it and you getting a spanking" (like his father usually does) "The choices are---eat half of your dinner...or shower and go to bed early" --His father had already agreed to this choice.

The Skids BM does not feed them breakfast or lunch and only dinner on Wed and EOW so she just lets them eat whatever they like......

I am not doing that---they are picky eaters---but the 2 SD's are whiney sometimes but they eat half. (It isn't huge portions to begin with either)

My SS though---he is always in a mad mood---if you have read any prior posts..he is the thorn in my side and his fathers. He doesn't even negotiate--and I am sick and tired of even trying to do that.

so--last night after I told him--eat half or go to bed early--he fell on the living room floor and started to have a tantrum...crying..hitting/kicking the floor...just a lovely mess. His father told him to get up and he said "No!" so--by all means---my ideas can go out the door if he is going to backtalk. So after arguing with his father--his father made him go to his room....Where he proceeded in hitting the walls..slamming the door and screaming about how much he hated us and how mean we are to him. His father went in there and they screamed back and forth at each other and finally I told him to just ignore him and eat dinner.

So the girls, their father and I ate dinner as their brother made a ruckus in his bedroom. We ignored him--He fell asleep.

This morning he ate 3 bowls of cereal and then went off to school. (the school normally feeds them breakfast and lunch when their mother has them)

This evening was the start of the weekend at our house and the skids were dropped off by BM. (shocking I know...she REALLY wanted to go party to get off her ass and drop them off) I had talked to the girls the night before and we decided I would cook cheese lasagna for dinner tonight (All 3 skids like it)

I am putting it in the oven as they walk in the door and my SS says "Ewwww! Gross! I am not hungry!" I said "Well maybe in an hour when the food is cooked you will be--or you can go to bed early again." Their father was still at work---which is rare..but he had a project to complete.

An hour passed and dinner was ready for the skids.. I gave them all 3"x3" square of home made cheese lasagna. My youngest SD whined but sat down and ate her salad first and half her portion. My eldest SD ate her salad and food and ate another portion..telling me how good it was. and my SS started his tantrum again..but this time I was alone. He slammed the wooden chair into the table..and he started freaking out. I told him again what options he had and he talked back to me. I ignored him until he started talking ugly to me. He had earlier that evening told me I was too fat to pick up something off the floor---in which I told him that was rude..and he snickered. I told him to go to his room and he was rude again. I grabbed his arm and strong armed him into his bedroom. He started to fight me--punching, shoving, scratching, so I restrained his arms and he went into a rage. Screaming at the top of his lungs. I told him "You need to quit this before it gets even more out of hand!" He kept trying to get out of the room..he wanted to leave the house. He tried to slip past me and I grabbed him.. "I said, I may be fat--but I am also much stronger too" (the girls saw it all from the dinner table) I grabbed his shirt and it made that ripping noise but did not rip. He FREAKED about that--(football jersey) and jumped onto his bed crying and screaming at me. I walked out of his room and he slammed the door behind me.. throwing shit everywhere.. banging on the walls. I was shaking...I knew I had the strength to really hurt him but I stopped myself. I needed to be the adult and if his father was there--he would of never hit/scratch me. Right then--when he touched me I wanted to throw him against the wall. I called his father and explained the situation. He told me I could spank him but I said "No" He asked to speak to my SS but my SS kept refusing to..and once almost threw my phone. I told him "If you DARE throw my will get it." He then grabbed it and started sobbing/talking to his father. He kept making shit up that did not mesh with the story then backtracking. So--even if the little shit wanted to be truthful...his father did not believe anything. He kept hanging up on his father. So the last call my boyfriend told me "I am going to be home in 5 minutes to spank him and then go back to work." I told him that wasn't going to fix anything---and that calming him down was all I wanted. --I just walked away from him and shut his door.

This little boy has some major issues....with the divorce..with being the middle child/only boy..with having entitlement issues and not getting his way..with his mother letting him do mostly whatever he wants...(his mother calls sometimes to have my boyfriend/her ex talk to their son when he is being shitty to her..but she usually just gives in when he is mad.) This little boy is shitty and demanding to EVERYONE..not just me.. he is just an angry kid.

I feel bad for him--because he does not know how to cope....and he is stubborn..but what else can we do? His father understands the divorce is/was hard on the kids...and the un-stableness of their mother and her boyfriends of the month are hard on them...but what can him and I do to show him that we do care...and we aren't "always mean to him"

He told me once he calmed down that we are always mean...I said "how are we mean to just you but not your sisters???--you need to look at yourself and check your attitude...I am not mean to someone that treats me well...and you have never treated me well--and even then I am nice to you--until it goes too far."

He is not the type of child you can talk to either...he shuts you out, puts his hands over his ears..walks off, tells you to shut up or no...

UGH--I am not trying to win this little shit over..I just want a dinner..and evening of NO DRAMA!!!!AND God knows what his BM is going to try and pull when he tells her I hit him..(which I never did..)

Any ideas? duct tape is not an answer.


20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

He is angry and frustrated. He is not being heard. Your DH needs to talk to him and do a time in not a time out. Counselling for him would also be appropriate. He cannot express himself like an adult since he's so young. Do not react to his tantrums or try to control him at those times. Let him work it out and then try to talk. JMHO.

reallifedrama's picture

"duct tape is not an answer." lol. it would just be soooo much easier, though wouldn't it lol. J/K! I'd never use it either, but it was funny.

I work with kids that range in reasons for their behaviors. I have emotional support students, and autistic support students. The way we handle the behavior in both cases in almost exactly the same. Lots of our emotional support kids come in traumatized by life experiences, and a lack of knowledgeable parenting.

Even though I go to work every day and deal with defiance, food thrown at me, juice dumped on me, getting bit, hit, spit at, oh and the names I have been called, it was always harder to deal with my SS's outbursts.

Sometimes, I would sit back and give my husband advice on how he could handle his son's outbursts, but it isn't like school where once something is deemed appropriate, placed in an IEP it has to be done, and done consistently.

Anyway, I think that many of us as stepparents actually could make major changes on SK's behaviors. Some of us because of professional experiences, some of us through out own parenting experiences, and many times it would seem through sheer common sense.

The problem is, we aren't granted 6.5 hours a day, in a parent free setting. We are not being looked at as professionally educated people that know what we are talking about and entrusted "to do the right thing". Most parents come to school desperately seeking out advice and are more than willing to allow for us to do whatever we can to create changes.

MOST of the steps I see here are "going to work" every day trying to do what it takes a whole team of professionals to figure out for each child in my class. The difference here, is that we are not dealing with a team of professionals, we are dealing with a team of hurt, jealous, scornful, {add your own} parents trying to defend their choices to each other, and instead of figuring out a solution, they are trying to prove why the child's behaviors are the cause of the other parents "skills" in parenting-and, we also have parents that don't give 2 chits what the kid does as long as they aren't bothering them.

Here we stepparents come along with "simple" solutions, and "come on", they say, "it isn't even our (stepparents) kid, and if it was that simple, wouldn't we have already done it?" When I talk to parents in school and make suggestions, they are grateful, when I talk to the emotionally involved parents of my SS, they are resentful.

I guess it's similar to talking to other people and telling them why you would suggest they shouldn't be involved with a person with kids. They have to learn on their own, and f*ck you very much for your advice.

You are trying VERY hard to MAKE things work. Here's the problem with that, the child is being made to think that you are "mean". You are MAKING him do things that are not being asked of him by the parents, every day, on a consistent basis. Your world and his are totally different. You live in a land where there are defined boundaries. You can't cross the lines, but he is free to over take any "country" he sees fit.

"I grabbed his arm and strong armed him into his bedroom. He started to fight me--punching, shoving, scratching, so I restrained his arms and he went into a rage. Screaming at the top of his lungs. I told him "You need to quit this before it gets even more out of hand!""

-----This is what happens when you start trying to modify behaviors. Their is an INCREASE in the behaviors.

Imagine waking up one day and being told , "from now on, we have decided that you will never drink another cup of coffee a day in your life"---you add in your vice, mine's coffee lol. What will happen? You will be saying, "Get the f*ck outta here lol", Then, you will probably go into fits of rage. Eventually, you will figure out how to deal with it, but in the meantime, you probably aren't going to be a "happy camper", and you will be RESISTANT!

If you have full parental support, and you have it consistently, from both parents, GREAT! What you're trying to do just might work, but it seems like what is going to happen is that more resistance, resentment, and eventually a "big blow-up" will happen.

"UGH--I am not trying to win this little shit over..I just want a dinner..and evening of NO DRAMA!!!!AND God knows what his BM is going to try and pull when he tells her I hit him..(which I never did..) "

I know people will probably not agree with me, but I would give an ultimatum. You have to do something, because it is obviously not a healthy environment for ANYONE! Tell DH, you and the other kids WILL NOT sit through dinner with him until he can manage his behaviors. Go lock yourself and the kids in a bedroom and make a tent to eat in, or whatever you can think of. Maybe you could suggest to DH that SS is given two options, if he can sit at the table for ten minutes, calmly, and eat a certain number of mouthfuls, he can get ten extra minutes to do something before bed time-or fill in whatever he likes, but if he DOES NOT do this, he will have to sit in his room during your dinner and this 10 minutes will be ten minutes earlier for his bedtime. Your husband is going to have to be willing to actually sit in the room with him and keep him there initially, most likely.

It won't be an end all, because as I have said, there will be resistance and a rise. He will see how far your DH is willing to go. BUT< this is not where you should be involved, Once the child and your DH have consistently been consistent in behaviors that are positive, then you can be part of enforcement if you so wish.

I wouldn't involve yourself to the point you are now, though. You have stated you're worried about what BM will say when SS says you "hit him", you should never have to be in this predicament.

It is really hard to ignore behaviors when it is affecting you and the other children. I understand this, but I am worried for you what might come of your involvement. It doesn't sound like you are dealing with a rational BM. You have to "force" what you need on your DH....he is "forcing" his son's behaviors on you and your whole family with the tolerance. Your DH has to remove his son from the environment when he gets out of hand, and you should not be alone with SS, put in a predicament where you HAVE to secure the environment. I know you want to be supportive, but it isn't safe for you. Demand that when your DH isn't home, the SS has to be cared for by someone else. At least until his behaviors are more acceptable.

I know this is long, but I am panicking for you. When I read this, "ND God knows what his BM is going to try and pull when he tells her I hit him..(which I never did..) ", I felt the gut wrenching worry that I had when my own SS accused me of "hitting" him, and I never placed even a breath of air on him. I know what BM's can do, and what a sweet, innocent child can accomplish with a bat of the eyes.

Just please, protect yourself! I hope you are able to figure this out, and protect yourself and your kids!

justperfectlyflawed's picture

Thanks for the comments..:) Reallifedrama---I discussed everything with my SO and we will talk again once the skids are home with their BM. Giving my SS choices has always been what we have done..but his answers to "negotiating" or "choices" is never one of is "No, Neither" or any other crappy response. He had another fit yesterday at a restaurant when his father used the restroom after him an and asked him quietly why he didn't wipe, flush or wash his hands. The bathroom was for one occupant at a time--so he knew it was his son. (Only him and his father heard the conversation) I was told later. REALLY? You don't want to wipe your ass...fine...that is your issue...but not flushing? OK--gross but..fine whatever.... not washing hands? Gross too. But to let EVERYONE in the restaurant know because you are having a tantrum? GREAT!!!!!

I agree--he needs to be separated and ignored --so he can calm down--but that means that majority of our time....he will be separated... I think we are at a wits end....I even tried to cook meals for him that he likes...and he has a fit about something else so--it isn't the food--or me--it is emotional.

My SO told me to never worry about the BM blaming me about "hitting the skids" but I will always have that worry--I have seen and heard others get blamed for that--and WORSE. The BM is a kind of parent that just wants her kids to leave her be...unless she feels lonely...and then she wants to be their yeah--My SO and I do have a lot cut out for us because we are "mean" anytime we have to enforce house rules.

We have a lot to discuss..I am also going to visit with my aunt who deals with children like my SS....(in broken homes, emotionally disturbed, so on and talk with her and my SO together next weekend) I have suggested counselling for my SS (to my SO) but his BM refuses....hopefully something good will come out of it. Smile

I do not talk directly to BM unless I have to...and no nasty words have escaped my mouth (they stay in my head) she mainly talks through text messages to their dad...and sometimes he will answer her calls. (This took a long time for him to finally do.*the texting and less call taking*...because in the beginning of our relationship she called constantly and he answered every time..(even when he had the kids with him!))

reallifedrama's picture

Glad to hear you are going to talk to someone who works with kids with issues like your SS's. I do understand the frustration with choices when dealing with children who are not yet accustomed to this. Hopefully, you will obtain information from your aunt that will help your SO in dealing with this rise and resistance.

There are ways that work for many kids with emotional issues (if that's what it is). Planned ignoring is an option, your aunt will probably explain this to you in more detail.

I don't talk to the BM here either. There's no point in trying to discuss anything with her, because she "knows everything", and the only thing that will come of it is she will get pissed off. Even though I have the best intentions for all of us, unfortunately, my advice and guidance are not wanted, so I stay out of it. I think it's best for me, anyway.

I wish you the best, and I hope that you keep yourself safe in all of this.