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SS is GONE!!!

justmakingthebest's picture

I just need to shout from the roof tops! My house is home again, I no longer have to be on pins and needles! Thank God he is GONE!

I have no idea if he will be back. I pray he doesn't come back. DH and I don't think he will come for Christmas. We are supposed to have him the 2nd part of winter break which is when they are doing daily Basketball Practice and he pitches a fit over missing basketball. DH isn't going to "fight" it. 

He will be 17 for spring break and summer next year so I doubt he will come. Maybe DH can take a week next summer and go visit his family and see SS there. I just dont ever want him in my house again. 


ICanMakeIt's picture

Congrats on surviving probably your last visitation.

Now go have a Margarita and enjoy the rest of Summer proper like :-) 

Esperanza's picture


Enjoy! So happy it's over for you!

TheAccidentalSM's picture

I agree with everyone it is very unlikely you'll have another visit.

Mominit's picture

So?  How did the rest of the visit go?  Did any of the boys have damaged hands?  Did SS finally accept the lack of electronics and visit nicely?  Other than the stress of having him there in your space, did the visit go well in the end?

I agree it's probably a good idea for DH just to go, pick him up, and see his family there for the next visit.  Keeps him in the family loop without all the stress!

justmakingthebest's picture

SS's knuckles were red but DH refused to acknowledge it. I dropped it- DH fixed the wall. 

SS got his phone back after 2 weeks from the cops call. I would have not given it back, but I am not the parent and it wasn't my call to make. 

I guess the visit was ok in the end. I just don't ever want to deal with him again. 

Gimlet's picture

I would absolutely insist that your DH does his visitation with SS by traveling to him next time.  He's shown that he's not willing to parent him in your home and that's not fair to you or your other kids.

justmakingthebest's picture

For now I am just going to keep my head down and not even bring it up. It wouldn't be an option for DH to travel for Christmas or New Years this year (he got Christmas leave last year and you don't get 2 years in a row). Hopefully it will just come and go without me doing the planning. 

Survivingstephell's picture

That's a choice on your part.  Just choose not to plan it.  After this visit you have legit reasons to stop filling in on the parenting front. 

justmakingthebest's picture

I wish I could just say that he isn't "allowed" back in our home but if the roles were reversed, I would never forgive DH if he said that my kids weren't "allowed" back. It really doesn't matter the reason, most of what SS did can be chalked up to being a dumb teenager. It is just harder because of all of the other things revolving around him and the long term pain and distrust that has happened. 

thinkthrice's picture

DO NOT,  I repeat DO NOT be there.  Arrange for a mini vacay away and let your H have his "quality time" with Damien.  Better yet would be for H to fly to him the next time.

thinkthrice's picture

Discontinue acting as a travel agent and administrative assistant for SS.

bananaseedo's picture

So he didn't even address it with him?  Didn't make him help fix the wall?  Wow.....your dh is all kinds of special.  I'm so sorry!  I know that had to be so irritating to you.  Glad he is gone and you can have some peace back.

justmakingthebest's picture

It was so bizarre! He has never been what I would consider a "weak" father. He is so good with the other 3 in our house. He always goes a little over the top on activities when SS is here, but he is cramming an entire year in 6 weeks, so I understood. 

This was just... not him. I guess he has just given up too. I suspect he figures that if he said too much to him, SS would never come back. But I don't think he will anyway. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

JMT, I've hinted at it before, but I'll just say it now:

Your DH has always been a weak parent. The only reason he seems strong is because you've ruled over the house with an iron first and made sure everyone behaved appropriately. You don't take any crap from any of the kids, and they don't tend to deliver much in return. It's really easy for your DH to be a "strong" parent when you're the one who instilled the values and enforces them on the daily. YOU keep the household running and everything afloat while he does his job and backs you up.

Remember, YOU were the one contacting doctor's offices trying to get records of BM's lies and SS's diagnoses. YOU were the one in contact with the prosecutor about BM's forgery of HD documents. YOU were the one in contact with the attorney about contempt charges, etc.

YOU have been the head of everything for a long time. It was REALLY easy for your DH to agree to all of it because you were acting as his "personal assistant". He has never had to be the one thinking of consequences or therapy options because you had it all lined up and ready to go for him to choose the best option. And since you would enforce any of them, he never had to deal with any of the blowback.

This is the first time that he has been faced with you dropping the rope and leaving it up to him, and he failed. He couldn't do it because you've overfunctioned for him for so long. He doesn't have the muscles to figure it out on his own, only to backup what you do. And he's not used to you being angry at him because you always have a plan. This trip was a wake up call for him that he actually has to put in the effort, and he has no idea how to.

I'd bet money that if you stopped trying with SS, so would your DH. He kept the relationship alive because you laid out a golden path for it. Oh, sure, he'll blame SS being older, BM blocking his attempts to call him, etc. While that's partly true, your DH will also stop because it's hard and he doesn't want hard. He'll justify it in his brain that he already has it rough with OSS's diagnoses, having to work 24-hour shifts, two stepkids at home, SS living so far away, etc. But it just comes down to it being hard work on his own - hard work that you've historically picked up for him.

Keep the rope on the ground. You're going to keep overfunctioning for OSS because he lives there, but you can 100% drop the rope for SS16. Your DH will either learn how to pick up and carry the rope himself, or he'll let it lay on the ground and move on.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I think you nailed it. I was so disapointed in her DH because of the way he handled things this time - and now I understand why he did so poorly - because JMTB dropped the rope and let him handle things on his own. Without her to do the heavy lifting, he wasn't able to handle the problems on his own.

thinkthrice's picture

Ye olde "I don't want to spend what little time I have punishing my kid" (TM) even though he plants an ax in the middle of somebody's forehead.

Probably realizing that the PAS has won.  Which it usually does given the court system.