The new version of "you just hate my kid"
Dh used to pull the you just hate my kid line all the time. Now that has evolved to "you just don't want me to do anything with her" and after our argument last night "you just don't want me to take her to her doctor appointment."
Seriously I'm so sick of expecting our whole family life to cater around SD and have that crap thrown in my face when i ask for her to be equal to other kids or reasonably assert my own wants. Hes acting just like BM does to him.
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Deflecting. And he seems good
Deflecting. And he seems good at it.
Not much advise. If it isnt working you need to find a way to get him to listen. Have you been very forward with him, such as DH I am coming very close to not wanting to work this out. As a final effort I am willing to sit down and have a rational and respectful conversation. And create boundaries and rules that we BOTH agree on.
Are you willing? If he deflects again, you have your answer.
If he is willing, ask him to write down the topics he would like to discuss and you do the same. Then go over each one, one at a time. You might have to initiate a no speaking while each of you talk about your topic. And then take some time to think about each topic before responding. With someone such as your DH this may need to be the way the discussion takes place.
Just tried and it did no good
Just tried and it did no good. He kept deflecting and eventually said that he knew what I was doing and when I asked what that was he said he didnt want to tell me because last time he called me out on something I stopped doing that benefitted him...he was talking about makeup sex
This guy is an asshole who is
This guy is an asshole who is never wrong in his own mind. He won't change.
Apparently not
Apparently not. He doesnt appear to be capable of it.
"Why yes DH, You got me. The
"Why yes DH, You got me. The entire reason i married you and I exist is to torture you and prevent a relationship with your daughter, who I OBVIOUSLY hate very much based on the fact that I'm still here putting up with all your crap and baggage."
UGH. I rolled my eyes for you. Seriously.
Truly this man is a catch!
Truly this man is a catch! Maybe he has PTSD from ex girlfriends telling him the same stuff repeatedly. I bet he thinks the whole world hates his daughter at this point and can't understand why the one common denomiantor is this equation is his daughter...I' m hoping this guy is not invovled in anything dealing with basic math, or concepts of rational thinking?!?
This made me laugh really
This made me laugh really hard because is job is mainly basic math and he says that all the time. He doesnt have any exes between me and BM though - I almost wish he did because I'm sure no one else would put up with it either
I tell all my single friends
NEVER date a man with a daughter, ever! Chances are it wont be easy. I will never understand this weird, sick dynamic. It is soul crushing to feel like you place second to a DD.
You should say "No I dont hate your kids, I hate the way you treat me ."
It's even worse that he does
It's even worse that he does it with the other kids and even with our bio son.
I’m so sorry that you are
I’m so sorry that you are going through this .. it sounds like to me he wants her to be the center of attention and the fact that he’s not willing to even consider your thoughts or concerns and gets defensive when you them both out , it’s almost like he already has his mind made up on where he stands! It’s now on you to either accept her behavior and the fact that he is pretty much gonna back her up and adapt to it ... or you find the courage to figure something else out for yourself and your inner peace! Personally I believe life is too short for nonsense and foolishness and If neither one of them wanna do the right thing like a normal human being and meet you halfway with this I would look into moving on ! I know it’s easier said than done but at least you will be happier and you won’t have to deal with it and no other self respecting woman will deal with that crap from her or her dad either
He definitely especially
He definitely especially early on made her the center of attention all the time and expected everyone to aww over her. Not really sure why, I suppose he took people being polite as a sign that shes amazing and everyone loves her.
Maybe you should switch it on
Maybe you should switch it on him and actually agree with him that you dislike his daughter because of her poor behavior from HIS lack of PARENTING. I'd put it on him and let him stew on that. I'd also tell him that he can continue using that poor @ss excuse if that makes him sleep better at night but at the end of the day all he's doing is deflecting and doing a great disservice to his daughter.
lol.
lol.
Reading this...I'm wondering why I ever once caved to that "you hate my kids!" line. It's so ridiculous on the face of it and clearly just meant to shut you up/put you in your place...it feels like such a horrible thing to accuse someone of...but why? I mean...you're not obligated to like the skids...so why is this particular line so effective at suppressing us and keeping us from discussing our feelings and needs in our relationship?
Now I'm wishing that, instead of letting the conversation get derailed by me defending myself agains this "horrible accusation" I'd just said: "Yep. You figured it out. I hate your kids! Totally, totally hate them and hate their dumb faces."
I wonder what DH would have done. My guess is that he would have immediately started backtracking: "I mean...I know you don't really hate my kids. I don't mean it like that...obviously you don't hate them..."
Man. Really wishing I'd tried this tactic back when this was an issue for us.
LOL totally hate them and
LOL totally hate them and hate their dumb faces
I have flipped it on him with
I have flipped it on him with the you hate my kids by saying then what kind of dad are you for having me watch her after school every day and he shut up after that. I think the answer he actually wants is no I love her like my own and that's just never going to happen. Shes the same as every other kid that isn't mine to me...I wouldnt wish anything bad on her but no it's nothing like my own kids and how I feel about her is very dependent on her behavior and other surrounding factors.
I'm trying to come up with a good comeback to the new versions of it. The "you dont want me to do anything with her is bs because I actually left the house once with my kids to give them alone time and he didnt even do anything with her...he claimed I was just setting him up and would be mad if he actually did. Pretty sure he wants it to be in a group and not one on one because she tends to be a snot to him when it's just them but if the rest of us are there she competes for his affection. He accidentally let it slip once that he probably wouldnt like her if she wasnt his kid and then panicked and tried to cover up having said it.
I've said this many, many
I've said this many, many times on here.
It's an argument that is meant to put you on the defensive. To make you the bad guy. Well, guess what?! You're the bad guy no matter what you do or say so at least stand your ground and stop having to defend yourself.
I'd say stop arguing with him
I'd say stop arguing with him. Start agreeing with him.
Say, "Yes, You're absolutly right!" No matter what it is. Put the ball in his court. Let him decide what he wants to do. Be purely sarcastic and make sure he knows it. As ProbablyAlready said, roll your eyes and agree with him.
Force him to defend himself and let him decide. Be prepared that he might decide to leave.