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The final decision

Jcksjj's picture

Well, DH has decided to hand everything over to BM completely. I'm waiting for medical assistance to call me back about taking her off insurance. Also waiting for BM to respond about if she will be going to school in her city next year since it appears she doesn't want to.

If she tries to worm out of making it permanent now I'm going to flip out.

ETA:

So her mom is not happy at all that she's going to be with her fulltime and is throwing a fit about her going to school in her city. She clearly didn't think it was going to be permanent.

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Jcksjj's picture

She hasn't actually said she wants to go back to 50/50, but she's throwing a fit about her not going to school in our city and wants us to help bring her to school. I'm reading between the lines, but she clearly did not want this to be permanent. I know SD does though. And her mom has her convinced now that we're evil awful people.

tog redux's picture

I'm glad your DH did that. She can't have her cake and eat it too. 
 

She can get a bus in her district. 

Jcksjj's picture

Yep. She wants the perks of single parenting, she's gonna have to deal with the tough parts too. She's seriously one of the laziest people I've ever met.

Not gonna lie, I'm also breathing a sigh of relief about ODS not getting bullied by her at middle school. It's already gonna be tough for him as is.

tog redux's picture

Yeah, she was going to get those sweet sweet food stamps then send her back over to OP's house?

Gimlet's picture

Was there really a need to be snarky?  Feel free to disagree or correct my perceptions, but please tell me why. 

Edit: if she does take SD full time, she is entitled to CS.  OP's DH should pay it. I made that comment because she's applying for social support services under the guise that she has SD full time and playing games with visitation, but when OP's DH said she could have full custody, then she doesn't want it.

Best case is going back to court to solidify 50/50 (with or without CS, depending on the situation) or BM having full custody if that is what is desired, but under an actual court order.

S_mum's picture

I didn't mean to offend you. It 's the way I talk.

I am going to be very very blunt here. I'm just going to say it how I see it.

The BM  has a couple of issues for sure. She may want the money, benefits etc But she hasn't filed for CS yet. So something doesn't quite add up.

Now onto the OP's H. He prolly acts like BM is The Worst Woman on Earth. Yet, I believe that in reality, BM gave this man exactly what he wanted. He gets to see the daughter he never wanted, only once a month and he doesn't get to pay CS. It's obvious why this man is reluctant to go to court. No CO is going to offer him a deal as sweet as this one.

Sorry, OP. I'm being honest.

Gimlet's picture

I'm a little cranky today, not offended though.   Blunt is fine.

I agree that court is the way to go here.

tog redux's picture

What? He had full custody and then 50/50 for years, until BM one day said, "I'm keeping her all the time".

My guess is that she doesn't want to go to court because he might end up with 50/50 again, or even more. SHE's the one afraid the court won't give her the sweet deal - live in a stingy state and send your kid to school in a more generous state, get health insurance from said generous state because yours won't give it to you - and have total control over where the kid goes all the time.

Jcksjj's picture

Yes, that is exactly it. Both her dad and DHs oldest sisters dad won custody over the moms so she's not in the mindset that she will for sure win. There's also the whole shady paternity thing- not wanting it done through the state. She literally cried and told DH she didn't want the state involved in SDs life when he wanted to go to court when they first split up and he bought it that it would be best for SD to stay out of court *eyeroll*

And on top of all of that, she's just a cruel person and enjoys upsetting people. My friends that grew up with BM have told me plenty of stories of her doing mean things just to get a little kick out of it. And shown me plenty of texts backing that up. She gets a little smirk on her face (and SD does the exact same thing) and you can see it makes her feel powerful or something if she gets under someone's skin. Doesn't matter who it is either. There's a reason she can't maintain any type of relationship past the initial stages. She's NEVER wanted SD unless there was a benefit for her and I really can't understand why SD worships her so much, but she does.

And yes, it is true that DH didn't want to have SD, but he can't change his feelings about it and has tried his best to do the right thing despite that. Most of the time way overcompensating. Which clearly didn't pay off looking at the situation now. 

S_mum's picture

It's crystal clear that the OP's H also doesn't want to go to court. He knows that courts normally favour mothers and he.doesn't want to pay child support. He also doesn't like his kid very much and he wants as little to do with her as possible. I think that is glaringly obvious (even the OP herself has alluded to it).

So maybe this deal is benefitting BM in a way but let's get real here, this deal is also benefitting the OP 's H. 

One thing is for sure: with parents like these, this kid is doomed.

Jcksjj's picture

I'm not saying it's not benefitting DH at all. Her not being here is best for our entire household for sure. Theres way more tension when she's here, she's mean to the other kids and it's super stressful all around. But we never would have kicked her out and had arranged our lives and put up with alot of crap from both her and BM when she was here to make everything as fair as possible to her. It didn't change anything. This is definitely NOT how DH wanted things to turn out, but its what we are working with. Besides, it's not like DH not being perfect takes away from how BM is. He definitely tried harder of the two to do the right thing.

I agree she's doomed, but I don't think there's much we can do that we haven't already. Maybe if we had had her fulltime since birth, but idk, I've known of some adopted kids with great families that still had genetics win out. I really just think there was never going to be a happily ever after to this situation. 

Jcksjj's picture

I can see where you're coming from based on the little info you have. Honestly, I'm too lazy to type up the whole long history over the last decade, and I doubt you want to read my zillion blogs, but the background info is all there. But I promise you, I'm completely confident in my assessment of the situation based on the all of the history and how BM treats people in general, not just how she is towards DH. 

Jcksjj's picture

Yeah I agree there needs to just be something set in stone and have it be done with. This back and forth isn't good for anyone but BM. I personally think that probably her having her fulltime is the best option because SD is going to really hate us if we change it back and then also it adds so much stress to our household and have to watch her like a hawk around the younger kids. Although I have been going back and forth in my head about that because BM definitely is not a stand up parent, but I also feel were at a dead end because SD doesn't value our input or opinions and she likes BMs permissive parenting better and will just run to her to undermine us. It's a crappy situation all around.

ndc's picture

My guess is that BM's next move will be to file for CS. If she's going to be stuck with SD plus lose control over DH since she can't use SD to jerk him around, she'll definitely want to get paid. 

Jcksjj's picture

I'm assuming. She's the one who always wanted to stay out of court for some reason. But if she does, she does. 

Jcksjj's picture

I think she's either afraid that she will lose if they end up going to court for custody and also she doesn't want to be locked in to having her fulltime because if she starts dating another guy who's childless she wants to be able to send her back again. That's what's happens historically is that the amount of of time she wants with SD is based on her dating status and how SD will affect that either positively or negatively.

tog redux's picture

Honestly, he should start paying her now. If he won't go to court to get an order then he's basically agreeing with the plan, and should plan to help support SD. 

Jcksjj's picture

If its going to be outside of court we'd rather buy directly for SD when possible instead of just giving BM money. She's getting rent paid for with pandemic assistance and the food stamps now, so that part is already taken care of at least for the time being. And if she wants actual cash she can decide to file. We can buy her clothes, school supplies, etc. The stimulus checks for SD went to buy BM some eyebrows and tattoos so...

tog redux's picture

Be wary. He can do all that and then be ordered to pay back support as well, since they don't view that as being the same as child support. 

Jcksjj's picture

They do the same with cash though. I think he's screwed if they did decide to go back further, but I think its just from the date she files for it. That's what mine was anyway for ODS, and then his dad had to pay 50% of what was ordered for the time between filing and when it got to court.

They did also have a support order opening briefly when SD was born because BM was getting assistance and she had it closed because DH moved in with her when the paternity test came back. So there's some record of him living with her at least. If she seriously wants to keep her she needs to just file for it and make it all official.

S_mum's picture

I know that nobody agrees with me, but to me, this guy comes across as someone who has literally no f*cks to give. Just like his ex, he doesn't seem to care about his daughter's emotional well-being at all. He doesn't care about how changing schools might affect his daughter, for example.

And I can't not mention the incident when this guy's daughter(who now only visits once a month) asked him to do a puzzle with him and he refused. Anyone remember that? For some reason, I can't find the blog about "the puzzle" anymore. It struck me as being so mean and petty.of him.

So whilst I agree that this guy's ex seems pretty difficult and unpleasant, this guy comes across as being pretty unpleasant/unlikeable himself.