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I’ve never hated my BF more

JBDmom's picture

I’m having my son this Friday. That’s less than 2 days away. My BFs aunt agreed at least a month ago to watch both of the girls this weekend while I’m in the hospital so my BF could also be there for me and our son. Well today she decided to tell us that she won’t be keeping the girls all weekend because she can’t handle our DD1 for more than one night and she will also be going fishing on Sunday with my BFs mom. Wow ok then. Not only are you telling me this 2 days before I’m about to have this baby but you’re also trying to shame me for wanting my SO there the whole time. I’m supposed to basically suck it up because we have 2 other children to think about and his aunts husband never stayed the whole time in the hospital with her. I should mention I’m having a c section and with my last one I could barely get out of bed even with help and now I have to do it with my baby actually in the room with me. Anyways they tell me this so of course I want to find a solution so I won’t be alone most of the time at the hospital. I ask my mom if she can watch the girls for us the days his aunt can’t. My mom of course tells me yes. My BF tells his aunt a couple hours later that my mom can keep them while she can’t. She immediately tells My BF well I’ll keep SD4 then until Sunday. When he tells me I ask him why because SD has stayed with my mom multiple times over night. He tells me his aunt feels uncomfortable with her being there because basically they think she gets treated badly or like a “stepchild”. My mom and my entire family actually embraced this little girl and welcomed her into our family with open arms. They just don’t spoil her the way SOs family does. My mom was hurt when I told her they didn’t want her over there and honestly it’s the last straw for me. They will use my family anytime it’s convenient for them but then turn around and tell us we don’t treat her good enough. It’s not fair to my family to constantly be disrespected by them claiming that they treat SD any different than they do all the other kids when they do so much for us and treat her just like a member of the family. They don’t coddle or baby anyone’s kids and honestly I appreciate being raised the way I was. I never disrespected or felt entitled to anything. I grew up knowing I was loved but had expectations and rules but that’s not good enough for his little princess. I’m done with seeing my family members get used and hurt by SO and his family. I hate to even think this but I have decided that I will no longer be including SD or SO in anything involving my family. They want SD to feel like a stepchild well now she actually will. 


SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Send skids to BM. Have your mom or sister or ??? come to watch YOUR kid.

Please don’t circumcise your baby.

shamds's picture

“Don’t circumcise the baby”?? Should we tell her vaginal birth is much better than a c-section too??

its not our place to randomly state these things. We have our views but so do others.

by the way, the way the west has stated circumcision as genital mutilation is like what they do in Africa where they actually cut off whole parts of genitalia causing infertility.

the circumcision practiced in the west like removing of foreskin or in asian countries is a tiny layer of skin... again that is their choice to do and a majority actually do it when child is like 6-10yrs old and understands what the procedure is and what the dr will do etc but again you have your views but it’s inappropriate to just state that fact when circumcision was not even mentioned in op post

Lady.Tremaine's picture

The angry at SO bit I don't understand. His aunt  though? Definitely. If there's more to SO being an ass please elaborate

If she was said she was going to do something she should. Her making the comments about SD are uncalled for if your family is really kind to your stepdaughter.

Also ignore sayno on the circumcision bit. That's your own damn business.

JBDmom's picture

The only reason his aunt has these feelings is because SO believes and tells his family that she’s treated badly with my family. My SO will also though drop SD off with my mom or sister if his family can’t/won’t watch her for him. He has no problem with them watching her if he has no other option but the second he does my family isn’t treating her good enough.

AlmostGone83's picture

Do not let your mom or anyone else in the family babysit SD ever again. Tell your DH he needs to make other arrangements for her seeing as she is treated so badly.

Lady.Tremaine's picture

Agree. There is no reason for him to act like that. 

For now I hope you focus on your new baby and labor. Good luck and after the storm has calmed I'd suggest talking to SO and maybe your family after this. Ridiculous.

futurobrillante99's picture

And you won't be alone in the hospital. They have nurses and call buttons. Personally, I was happy when my XH1, the father of my 3 children (all c-sections), took his useless ass home. After the first kid, we had people watching the kids during labor/surgery, only. After the delivery, dad was on duty with our other kids. That's the way it works when you have more than one.

Good luck. Hope all goes smoothly. Please enjoy your 3 - 4 days in the hospital. You won't get to rest much when you get home, sadly.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

It’s my business to circumcise my daughter, then, according to your logic. His genitals, his right to bodily autonomy. Baby boys die from genital mutilation every year.

futurobrillante99's picture

Let it go. The purpose of female circumcision is to REMOVE a woman's ability for sexual satisfaction by removing the clitoris all together. And in some cultures, they also sew up the vaginal entrance, leaving a small hole for menstruation.

Male circumcision does NOT remove a key organ of sexual stimulation. It removes a piece of skin covering the tip of the main sexual organ that, for MANY males, CAN cause infection and contracture of the skin.

On this matter, you are comparing apples to oranges and treading on dangerous ground.

We ALL agree that female circumcision is an assault on women and their ability to have pleasure from sex. It is NOT the same with male circumcision.

tog redux's picture

Actually, male circumcision does decrease sensitivity of the penis over time, though obviously not as dramatically as female circumcision.

And most men do just fine with their foreskin, the vast majority of males in the world are NOT circumcised.  Americans are an outlier.

beebeel's picture

This. We boarder Canada so circumcision isn't a "given" here as it is elsewhere in the U.S. Half the men in my family are uncircumcised. 

Our doctors explained that the "hygenic" reasons given for male circumcision are based off an improperly conducted study many, many years ago. And even that study found the "benefits" to be within the margin of error. It is an old religious tradition. That's it.

tog redux's picture

Yes, if foreskins were bad for human evolution, they would have disappeared long ago. They protect the penis and with proper hygiene, there are no issues.  Some men may have issues, but not so much that they need to be routinely removed.

I know SS isn't circumcised, only from DH telling me. He did have some hygiene issues, but probably mostly because he never bathed at BM's.

futurobrillante99's picture

My nephew was one of the males who experienced repeated pain and infection from being UN circumsized (norm in a German hospital while my brother was in the Army).

He was circumsized at 8 years old. It was not done recklessly. Some males DO have problems remaining intact. 

I do not advocate automatic and widespread male circumcision!!! But comparing it to female circumcision is a huge stretch. Women rarely suffer pain and contracture of their genitalia just due to its existence. Rather, circumcision of females removes a pleasure center and interferes with their normal function.

Most if the men I’ve known have been circumsized and it did not interfere with their functions. I have experience with ONE un cut male and, if anything, the extra skin helped him last longer which is a plus, but the other guys were never too fast.


tog redux's picture

Yep, there are some males who have issues, but that's not a good reason to do it for everyone. Some people have trouble with their tonsils and appendixes, too, but we don't take those out of everyone just in case they become a problem.

Nothing "interferes" with their functions, but they really have no idea how much sensitivity they've lost because of circumcision.

futurobrillante99's picture

I do not advocate a policy of every male being circumsized but I respect the decision of the parents to make the decision.

Now if parents wanted to remove the glans on the penis of men for some effed up cultural belief, I would get behind anyone trying to make that illegal.

futurobrillante99's picture

And I get what you're saying about the sensitivity. My experience with the one person who was intact was that he was incredibly sensitive - much like how a woman's clitoris would be. In my personal experience, there are pros and cons with that, but all quite subtle, as there are the contrasting pros and cons with not being intact. It's a trade off.

I have ZERO regrets about having my sons circumsized like their dad. None of the 3 has ever complained that they are suffering from lack of sexual function.

Curious Georgetta's picture

It is hard to see exactly how the aunt is attempting to use your mom. I can understand wanting your husband to be with you for the birth of your child, but when you have other children it may not be reasonable or feasible to expect you spouse to be there 24/7.

Family members do not always bring the same excitement or level of involvement to child birth when it is not your first rodeo.  

Good luck and much joy with the upcoming addition to your family.


Gimlet's picture

OP's point is that her mom is fine when her SO or his family needs someone to care for SD, but "doesn't treat her right" aka act like she's the second coming when they don't need help.  Meanwhile, the other child is "too much" for them to handle.

So no, OP might not always get the time she desires, but she sure doesn't need to ask her family to care for SD if that isn't being appreciated or reciprocated.

OP tell your SO to pound sand the next time he wants to drop SD to your family.  

justmakingthebest's picture

I think if I was in your shoes, I wouldn't give 2 f@cks what BF's mom and Aunt want to do. I would probably phrase it like this:

"Aunt, since you cant be counted on during this time when we really needed you and this support, we dont want this partial 1/2 @$$ed attempt to only care for SD. My mom will be keeping both kids for the 3 days I will be in the hospital recovering from major surgery to bring this baby I to the world.'

Your mom keeps the kids, your BG can be there with you and that takes care of it. I had c-sections myself and understand the help that you will need. Hopefully your mom will be able to help with the kids so you can focus on healing and the 1st few days of bonding between you, baby and BF.

Monkeysee's picture

No kidding.  Why should the aunt get to dictate where SD goes when OP delivers her child?  Last I checked, the aunt has no legal authority over this kid so it's not up to her. 

shamds's picture

arranges whatever family member of his or bio mum to have his kid during the time you are in hospital etc. 

You have your familly care for your bio kid(s). 

Some of my hubbys family try to excuse skids issues and behavioural problems/disrespect etc as its their mum and they were neglected/mistreated/abused by their mum or they’re cod... those excuses won’t and can’t last forever.

my ss was 17.5 when daughter was born and hubby had sole custody of him sibce divorce when he was like 10-11, so if he was home hubby would tell him we’re going to hospital and one of hubbys sil cared for my daughter and will for any subsequent children etc or any of hubbys sisters that are free who are more than happy to do this. 

Trying to keep a bio daughter and sd together with family who do not see them the same or objectively is just gonna make you angry.

i thought in most families that the bio parent would arrange for their kid to stay with their family or the other bio parent and not the new spouses family especially when there are behavioural issues

beebeel's picture

It us super shitty that the aunt bailed on these plans last minute. My MIL has pulled that garbage several times and it's hurtful and inconsiderate. Now you know you can't count on these people, and your BF is one of them.


momjeans's picture

Oh JBDmom, I’m so sorry to read this. My thoughts are: (a) Looping your SO into your very valid anger is a wee bit misplaced. I sense that a lot of this petty BS is out of his control. Plus, this is a time for love and celebration as you prepare to bring your son into the world tomorrow, and (b) remove these women from the equation. Don’t engage with them. Don’t ask for help or put yourself in a place to depend on them for any help. Any true friend or family member wouldn’t all of a sudden decide they’d rather go fishing, opposed to helping care for the littles while you have a surgical procedure. It’s hard to believe that this wasn’t a backhanded maneuver on her/their part, so just forget them. They’ve shown you that they’re not above going straight to dealing from the bottom of the deck - so, let them stew in their own sh*t. This means no immediate visits from either of these women.

My MIL acted in a VERY similar fashion when I had a scheduled c-section with our youngest. I even informed the OB Nurses that I wanted zero visitors, aside from DH and our young daughter, but my MIL still managed to slip past them. She also dropped the ball with her prior commitment to help DH with our daughter (his request, not mine...) She posted photos of our newborn on social media before I had an opportunity to, etcetera.

I put MIL and FIL in a time out once I got home, which was barely 24 hours post surgery. She wasn’t allowed to set foot in our house for WEEKS and it was glorious. 

I’d like to point out that our DD was 18 months at the time, so it was no cakewalk, but I did it!

Lots of well wishes for your big day tomorrow. 


JBDmom's picture

I understand how wanting him to be there the whole time is selfish and it really is. With our DD though he couldn’t be there for us at all since I had to have her so far away. Since I’m having DS just down the road I wanted the bonding time me and DD never got with SO. The reason I’m so upset with her is because my mom offered months in advance to watch BOTH of the kids while I was in the hospital without single thought but since his aunt lives next door to us we thought it would be easier for her watch them. She’s agreed to keep them both a month ago but it wasn’t until yesterday that she decided to tell us she couldn’t and when my mom offered to help again we were basically told she doesn’t care for SD the right way. Which is complete nonsense as my BF has no problem pawning her off when his family flakes out on him. 

momjeans's picture

It’s not selfish at all to want your SO there.

My in-laws could barely stand spending time with our little one (and skid!) while DH was in the OR with me, because MY birth was alllllll about THEM, not me). Different circumstances, I know, but equally effed-up. 

DH had skin-to-skin time with DS, made sure I was well, then jetted off to get our DD to return with her in the evening. I get it. I totally do. 

Point being, my DH made it work. It was hard, there was a lot of running around with an 18 month old with him, but that’s what being a parent is all about. 

I forgive, but I will never forget how much of a selfish monkey wrench my in-laws tried to throw in there after MONTHS of “Oh, yes, WE ARE TOTALLY HERE TO HELP YOU, when it comes time for your surgery.”


beebeel's picture

The very LEAST a man can do is be in the freaking hospital for the woman who is giving birth to his child. Anyone who thinks that is selfish is an effing dick.

Monkeysee's picture


And to those who’ve said ‘I gave birth & didn’t need the BD there/did it all myself/anything other than what I did is selfish & wrong’... good for you! Here’s your gold star, now go get stuffed Wink

futurobrillante99's picture

Sounded like she wanted him there her whole stay. That’s unreasonable. Labor and delivery, he should be there. And he should not leave and ignore her the rest of the time but 24/7 is a bit much.

momjeans's picture

I agree. 

It’s a whole other ball of wax when there are other siblings. 

This isn’t the time or place for her SO to be with her 24/7, for who know how many days, but it’s also a time where family should step up to help, even if a little bit, or at the very least aid in finding someone else who’s dependable.

Both of my parents are deceased. I had no one, outside of friends who have jobs and families of their own to tend to. I *thought* I could depend on my in-laws for at least *that* much, but people tend to show their true colors in times of genuine need.


JBDmom's picture

I do want him there the whole time. I know he’s not going to be able to be but at the very least I want him there every night and I completely understand how I’m being unreasonable. But I don’t understand why it would be a problem at all if we do have someone willing to watch our kids for us which my mom agreed to do. It was hisbaunt that changed plans last minute and then decided again she could suddenly watch SD.  I rarely get to be selfish considering we have kids and if I want to be selfish the first few days after my son is born then I should have the right to be.

momjeans's picture

Okay. I fail to see the issue then, if your mom is available for your care needs, and your SO is available for your unforeseen hospital stay length, per your request, what else is there? 

Am I missing something?

The crux appears to be aunt and SO’s mom attempting to flake out on, and half-assed succeeding, previously agreed to arrangements, but that’s something manageable and completely within your control. 

JBDmom's picture

The issue is the way they treat my family when it comes to SD. Them telling me my mom doesn’t treat her like she’s her own granddaughter when my mom does everything for SD that she does for her other grandkids. It’s the disrespect coming from his family towards mine unless they need or want something from them. This all on top of changing plans, stressing me out, and then disrespecting my family AGAIN. 

JBDmom's picture

Really it’s me venting because I’m frustrated because my mom has yet again been told she’s basically not good enough for SD.

futurobrillante99's picture

Go for it if you want him there the whole time and he wants to be there.

Personally, I don't like staying in hospitals because they are the worst places to REST with people coming and going, nurses doing checks on you ad nauseum, noisy, etc.

I don't know you personally, but I really think this need stems from trying to capitalize on this one situation where you can get the maximum of his focused, kid free attention because you don't get what you need on a daily basis. This has become almost like a hill to die on you for you because you're not feeling cherished or respected at home, or that you get much time with your partner and your children together.

I get it, but I do hope that when you're home and back in the normal swing of things and still not getting what you need from your partner, that you'll stand up for yourself and not just go along with it.

((hugs)) and have a safe delivery and a happy, healthy baby!!

bananaseedo's picture

Yes, I agree with all of this.  Hospitals it's really hard to rest properly.  With my 2nd son, the night my ex went back home, the nurses offered to keep my son with them so I could get a night of sleep.  I told them to bring him back for feedings and they gave me something to help sleep and boy did I need that.  Coming home was a true nightmare.  

Keep in mind my ex was fully disordered individual and abusive.  I came home to a super dirty home- him yelling and cursing me out for being upset the home was a mess.  "What do you want me to do??? I had to babysit (oldest) on my damn expect me to clean to?"  Yeah...that was nice.  I came home w/hormones raging, with a  newborn and 19 mo old and cried myself in fetal position in a corner from his rage.  

shamds's picture

hubby was at the hospital from 9am till about 4.30pm and went home to shower then came in the evening. My daughter was 16.5 months old.

for sd who is much older it’s perfectly fine she stay at her aunts place and hubby get her end of the day to sleep over

mu husband only slept 1 night when my daughter was born but that was because he couldn’t sleep at home knowing i was alone at hospital 

if any of my grown ass skids chucked a hissy fit or tried to claim they had an non-emergent emergency to have hubby be with them, i’d see hubby as having his priorities in the wrong place. He should be able to juggle and assess his priorities just fine

bananaseedo's picture

Listen, when I had my youngest my parents had decided to go out of the country 3 weeks before I was due.  I asked them not to repeatedly as my in-laws also lived out of the country.  They went anyway and 24hs after they left I went into early labor.  My cousin who also had a son my sons age (19 months) watched him that first night and then my ex (then married) went to get him the next evening.  Now, my ex was a di** of mega size.  He left the very next morning to go to work- then went and picked our son up and complained and moaned about how awful it was on him that he had to babysit his own son because it was his bday and he should be out celebrating/enjoying himself (as I was 24hrs from giving birth).  For me having him gone was a bonus but he was always such an absent person.  

That said, I resent how alone I was and would have wanted a supportive husband with me- especially when you have extensive family around that can care for the other kids...that is hogwash.  I would rain holy hell on all of them and tell the aunt to stuff it.  YOU decide what you want to do and either have your mom take them both or have aunt keep sd and your mom keeps yours for duration so your SO can be with you most of the time.  Sure, he can come back to visit w/his girls for a bit and still be a parent and then go back.  

Just because people have done it alone doesn't mean sometime you carry scars for a long time and resent how alone you were when you easily could have not no reason to martyr yourself kwim?  Screw the naysayers on this blog.  And do with your sons penis whatever you want as well.


JBDmom's picture

Thank you and I’m very sorry you had to deal with someone like that. I’ve had to do it not completely alone but with out SO there and I do hold resentment for it especially since I know he was there the whole time for SD when she was born. I also realize it’s different when you have kids but as you said We do have family willing to help out with the care of the kids. 

notarelative's picture

First, I'd want to move. I wouldn't want next door to aunt or anyone who changed their mind two days before. You now know that she is reliable only as a sitter for SD.

SO needs to get his head straight. These are all his children and should be treated equally by all families. I'd want him to be more specific than "feels" when he complains that the oldest is treated poorly by my family. And I'd be livid if my SO''s family complained about non existent mistreatment of a child.

No, I don't think it's selfish to want your SO there. When I had my second we sent the oldest to an aunt's until I was released from the hospital. DH spent some time with me, but his exams were scheduled at the same time. I can still remember how much I wished he were there and not sitting exams.

theoldredhen's picture

Since it appears that circumcision has become part of this blog, I feel compelled to dip my oar into these turbulent waters.

Saynoskids should not be vilified for offering an opinion on a subject about which she has strong beliefs. While the parents of newborn males are free to decide on the surgery for their own infant, they should also be provided with facts before making such a serious choice.

Doctors are naturally inclined to recommend circumcision to parents since the operation is money easily earned. Rather than accept a biased opinion, I suggest that prospective parents educate themselves, take a look at the other side of the debate and check out facts from one of the anti-circumcision sites like ‘intact America’.

Like saynoskids, I’ve seen an infant undergoing circumcision and will never forget his screams of pain. It was awful.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

I don’t buy the “parents’ choice” angle unless these cutters say it’s the “parents’ choice” to cut girls, too. Mind you, I’m against cutting the genitals of minors across the board but MGM is SEVERELY damaging and worse than most forms of female genital mutilations. In an adult male the foreskin is the size of a business card or more and has many thousands of nerve endings. The glans is supposed to be an internal organ. 

All mutilated dicks have scars, become keratinized, prone to developing stenosis of the urethra (Jimmy Kimmel had to have painful penis surgery on his already mutilated dick to open up his urethra.)