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I’ve never hated my BF more

JBDmom's picture

I’m having my son this Friday. That’s less than 2 days away. My BFs aunt agreed at least a month ago to watch both of the girls this weekend while I’m in the hospital so my BF could also be there for me and our son. Well today she decided to tell us that she won’t be keeping the girls all weekend because she can’t handle our DD1 for more than one night and she will also be going fishing on Sunday with my BFs mom. Wow ok then. Not only are you telling me this 2 days before I’m about to have this baby but you’re also trying to shame me for wanting my SO there the whole time. I’m supposed to basically suck it up because we have 2 other children to think about and his aunts husband never stayed the whole time in the hospital with her. I should mention I’m having a c section and with my last one I could barely get out of bed even with help and now I have to do it with my baby actually in the room with me. Anyways they tell me this so of course I want to find a solution so I won’t be alone most of the time at the hospital. I ask my mom if she can watch the girls for us the days his aunt can’t. My mom of course tells me yes. My BF tells his aunt a couple hours later that my mom can keep them while she can’t. She immediately tells My BF well I’ll keep SD4 then until Sunday. When he tells me I ask him why because SD has stayed with my mom multiple times over night. He tells me his aunt feels uncomfortable with her being there because basically they think she gets treated badly or like a “stepchild”. My mom and my entire family actually embraced this little girl and welcomed her into our family with open arms. They just don’t spoil her the way SOs family does. My mom was hurt when I told her they didn’t want her over there and honestly it’s the last straw for me. They will use my family anytime it’s convenient for them but then turn around and tell us we don’t treat her good enough. It’s not fair to my family to constantly be disrespected by them claiming that they treat SD any different than they do all the other kids when they do so much for us and treat her just like a member of the family. They don’t coddle or baby anyone’s kids and honestly I appreciate being raised the way I was. I never disrespected or felt entitled to anything. I grew up knowing I was loved but had expectations and rules but that’s not good enough for his little princess. I’m done with seeing my family members get used and hurt by SO and his family. I hate to even think this but I have decided that I will no longer be including SD or SO in anything involving my family. They want SD to feel like a stepchild well now she actually will. 

Comments

Lady.Tremaine's picture

The angry at SO bit I don't understand. His aunt  though? Definitely. If there's more to SO being an ass please elaborate

If she was said she was going to do something she should. Her making the comments about SD are uncalled for if your family is really kind to your stepdaughter.

Also ignore sayno on the circumcision bit. That's your own damn business.

JBDmom's picture

The only reason his aunt has these feelings is because SO believes and tells his family that she’s treated badly with my family. My SO will also though drop SD off with my mom or sister if his family can’t/won’t watch her for him. He has no problem with them watching her if he has no other option but the second he does my family isn’t treating her good enough.

justmakingthebest's picture

I think if I was in your shoes, I wouldn't give 2 f@cks what BF's mom and Aunt want to do. I would probably phrase it like this:

"Aunt, since you cant be counted on during this time when we really needed you and this support, we dont want this partial 1/2 @$$ed attempt to only care for SD. My mom will be keeping both kids for the 3 days I will be in the hospital recovering from major surgery to bring this baby I to the world.'

Your mom keeps the kids, your BG can be there with you and that takes care of it. I had c-sections myself and understand the help that you will need. Hopefully your mom will be able to help with the kids so you can focus on healing and the 1st few days of bonding between you, baby and BF.

Monkeysee's picture

No kidding.  Why should the aunt get to dictate where SD goes when OP delivers her child?  Last I checked, the aunt has no legal authority over this kid so it's not up to her. 

shamds's picture

arranges whatever family member of his or bio mum to have his kid during the time you are in hospital etc. 

You have your familly care for your bio kid(s). 

Some of my hubbys family try to excuse skids issues and behavioural problems/disrespect etc as its their mum and they were neglected/mistreated/abused by their mum or they’re cod... those excuses won’t and can’t last forever.

my ss was 17.5 when daughter was born and hubby had sole custody of him sibce divorce when he was like 10-11, so if he was home hubby would tell him we’re going to hospital and one of hubbys sil cared for my daughter and will for any subsequent children etc or any of hubbys sisters that are free who are more than happy to do this. 

Trying to keep a bio daughter and sd together with family who do not see them the same or objectively is just gonna make you angry.

i thought in most families that the bio parent would arrange for their kid to stay with their family or the other bio parent and not the new spouses family especially when there are behavioural issues

beebeel's picture

It us super shitty that the aunt bailed on these plans last minute. My MIL has pulled that garbage several times and it's hurtful and inconsiderate. Now you know you can't count on these people, and your BF is one of them.

 

momjeans's picture

Oh JBDmom, I’m so sorry to read this. My thoughts are: (a) Looping your SO into your very valid anger is a wee bit misplaced. I sense that a lot of this petty BS is out of his control. Plus, this is a time for love and celebration as you prepare to bring your son into the world tomorrow, and (b) remove these women from the equation. Don’t engage with them. Don’t ask for help or put yourself in a place to depend on them for any help. Any true friend or family member wouldn’t all of a sudden decide they’d rather go fishing, opposed to helping care for the littles while you have a surgical procedure. It’s hard to believe that this wasn’t a backhanded maneuver on her/their part, so just forget them. They’ve shown you that they’re not above going straight to dealing from the bottom of the deck - so, let them stew in their own sh*t. This means no immediate visits from either of these women.

My MIL acted in a VERY similar fashion when I had a scheduled c-section with our youngest. I even informed the OB Nurses that I wanted zero visitors, aside from DH and our young daughter, but my MIL still managed to slip past them. She also dropped the ball with her prior commitment to help DH with our daughter (his request, not mine...) She posted photos of our newborn on social media before I had an opportunity to, etcetera.

I put MIL and FIL in a time out once I got home, which was barely 24 hours post surgery. She wasn’t allowed to set foot in our house for WEEKS and it was glorious. 

I’d like to point out that our DD was 18 months at the time, so it was no cakewalk, but I did it!

Lots of well wishes for your big day tomorrow. 

 

JBDmom's picture

I understand how wanting him to be there the whole time is selfish and it really is. With our DD though he couldn’t be there for us at all since I had to have her so far away. Since I’m having DS just down the road I wanted the bonding time me and DD never got with SO. The reason I’m so upset with her is because my mom offered months in advance to watch BOTH of the kids while I was in the hospital without single thought but since his aunt lives next door to us we thought it would be easier for her watch them. She’s agreed to keep them both a month ago but it wasn’t until yesterday that she decided to tell us she couldn’t and when my mom offered to help again we were basically told she doesn’t care for SD the right way. Which is complete nonsense as my BF has no problem pawning her off when his family flakes out on him. 

momjeans's picture

It’s not selfish at all to want your SO there.

My in-laws could barely stand spending time with our little one (and skid!) while DH was in the OR with me, because MY birth was alllllll about THEM, not me). Different circumstances, I know, but equally effed-up. 

DH had skin-to-skin time with DS, made sure I was well, then jetted off to get our DD to return with her in the evening. I get it. I totally do. 

Point being, my DH made it work. It was hard, there was a lot of running around with an 18 month old with him, but that’s what being a parent is all about. 

I forgive, but I will never forget how much of a selfish monkey wrench my in-laws tried to throw in there after MONTHS of “Oh, yes, WE ARE TOTALLY HERE TO HELP YOU, when it comes time for your surgery.”

Lies.

beebeel's picture

The very LEAST a man can do is be in the freaking hospital for the woman who is giving birth to his child. Anyone who thinks that is selfish is an effing dick.

Monkeysee's picture

100000%!

And to those who’ve said ‘I gave birth & didn’t need the BD there/did it all myself/anything other than what I did is selfish & wrong’... good for you! Here’s your gold star, now go get stuffed Wink

bananaseedo's picture

Listen, when I had my youngest my parents had decided to go out of the country 3 weeks before I was due.  I asked them not to repeatedly as my in-laws also lived out of the country.  They went anyway and 24hs after they left I went into early labor.  My cousin who also had a son my sons age (19 months) watched him that first night and then my ex (then married) went to get him the next evening.  Now, my ex was a di** of mega size.  He left the very next morning to go to work- then went and picked our son up and complained and moaned about how awful it was on him that he had to babysit his own son because it was his bday and he should be out celebrating/enjoying himself (as I was 24hrs from giving birth).  For me having him gone was a bonus but he was always such an absent person.  

That said, I resent how alone I was and would have wanted a supportive husband with me- especially when you have extensive family around that can care for the other kids...that is hogwash.  I would rain holy hell on all of them and tell the aunt to stuff it.  YOU decide what you want to do and either have your mom take them both or have aunt keep sd and your mom keeps yours for duration so your SO can be with you most of the time.  Sure, he can come back to visit w/his girls for a bit and still be a parent and then go back.  

Just because people have done it alone doesn't mean sometime you carry scars for a long time and resent how alone you were when you easily could have not been....so no reason to martyr yourself kwim?  Screw the naysayers on this blog.  And do with your sons penis whatever you want as well.

 

JBDmom's picture

Thank you and I’m very sorry you had to deal with someone like that. I’ve had to do it not completely alone but with out SO there and I do hold resentment for it especially since I know he was there the whole time for SD when she was born. I also realize it’s different when you have kids but as you said We do have family willing to help out with the care of the kids. 

notarelative's picture

First, I'd want to move. I wouldn't want to.live next door to aunt or anyone who changed their mind two days before. You now know that she is reliable only as a sitter for SD.

SO needs to get his head straight. These are all his children and should be treated equally by all families. I'd want him to be more specific than "feels" when he complains that the oldest is treated poorly by my family. And I'd be livid if my SO''s family complained about non existent mistreatment of a child.

No, I don't think it's selfish to want your SO there. When I had my second we sent the oldest to an aunt's until I was released from the hospital. DH spent some time with me, but his exams were scheduled at the same time. I can still remember how much I wished he were there and not sitting exams.