Hi - I can’t tell you how glad I am to find this group. I’m not usually a forum person, but very few people in my life understands what I’m going through. Most people around me are bio-parents and they don’t know what being a step-parent is like.

INTRODUCTION…
I’m a 39 year-old sm of 2 (ss 9 and sd 5). I’ve known dh for over 20 years but our relationship stars had never aligned until 4 years ago. We’ve been happily in love ever since and I can’t imagine my life without him. We aren’t married but we are common-law and NO, I AM NOT THE CAUSE OF THEIR DIVORCE.

Dh is a wonderful man - gentle, caring, sensitive, loyal, genuine and the funniest person I know. He makes me smile just thinking of him. As friends, we knew that our personalities meshed but I never could’ve expected to love anyone as much as I love him.

Dh is also a wonderful father who’s heart I share with sd and ss. We have shared custody (about 45/55) and it kills dh that he can’t be with his children all of the time. Bm is controlling and believes she’s in charge of him and the kids. The custody dispute is seemingly never over so he doesn’t push back on her narcissistic and childish behaviour because we’re trying to keep the peace for the kids.

My parents divorced when my brother and I were the same age as sd/ss are now. I knew what it was like, at 5, to be basically told “this is your new step-mother, you must love and accept her” (I still have to make a concerted effort at family gatherings). I wasn’t going to do the same with his kids. It was extremely important that I be introduced slowly to the kids and ONLY after dh and I spent 5-6 months dating apart from them. I wanted to be as sure as possible that dh and I were on solid footing as a couple, for us and them. We took baby steps with the kids. We started by having Easter Tea with my mom and his parents and I had little interaction with them directly. Slowly we worked in meetings at the park where I’d bring my dog for a walk, then lunch dates at McD PlayPlaces and then eventually outings as a foursome. I never stayed overnight at dh’s residence (shared with other family members) when he had the kids and only after 2+ years would we share a room during weekends at the cottage. Dh bought a house last year and after 3 years, we all moved into the new house together.
I’m also fully aware of the repercussions that speaking poorly about the other parent, questioning after visits and coaching can have on a child. We do none of this and I made sure to educate dh’s family very early on. We never ask questions about bm’s time and sd/ss know that they can say whatever they want, we’re a safe place for them. No matter what happens or what’s said, we always speak positively about bm and her family or steer the conversation to another topic if we can’t. We never tell them what they can/can’t say to bm and we never have them carry information/directions back to bm - that’s what our phones/computers are for. Also, even when you think the kids can’t hear you, they’re very inventive and will always find a way (my favourite was an ear to my vent as every room is connected). The only way for them not to hear is to talk when they’re/you’re not home.

The kids are comfortable with me. They like me and although I’ll never have the same bond that they have with bd/bm, I think we have a solid foundation and affection for each other. Ss remembers dh/bm being together so I thought he’d be harder to connect with. It’s been the opposite because bm ignores him and I give him the attention he deserves. Ss still hopes for dh/bm to be together again, but also wants me, bm’s boyfriend and both sets of gps to all live together in the same house . I thought sd would be easier but bm created feelings of distrust for dh’s family in her from an early age. She continues to be skeptical at times and push her boundaries with everyone, but practically me. Dh is good to back me up and tells her to respect people (not “you must love her”). Having said that sd has no inhibitions with me, I can help her get dressed, use the washroom and get showered (although I leave private area issues to dh).

SO, WHERE’S THE ISSUE??
I think most of you know the answer to that.
While I love and care for sd/ss like my own children, they’re not mine. I’m saddled with feelings of irrelevance, sadness, confusion and guilt – is this the step-parent cocktail?
I feel like the 4th wheel on a tricycle. They all cuddle together on the couch every night and I sit alone on the other side. They say “I LOVE YOU DADDY SOOOOO MUCH!!!!!” and there are days I barely get a hello or goodbye. I’m told they miss me when I’m not there, but when I’m there, I mostly feel invisible. We do a lot of things as a family both inside and outside of the home, but even when I’m participating, they just want their father. The intelligent part of me knows that’s natural, and I often give them their space together (and I won’t lie, I like some alone time). It would just be nice to go out to dinner and not have to listen to the 500th fight over who gets to sit beside Daddy. Just once I’d like to hear “I want to sit beside ‘stepmom’!”

As I’m sure you experience also, I can only do what is permitted by dh in respect to parenting. Having said that, he has very few limitations on my role as their sm/guardian. In fact, most of the limitations may be self-imposed as I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes. We’re on the same page with parenting, except with sd - as with many men, the “Daddy’s Little Girl” routine can wear thin. Being a woman, I have higher expectations for her and I refuse to accept any double-standard. What is expected of her brother is expected of her. My tongue has quite a few bite marks though.

Ss has some delayed learning issues which can be overcome with a routine of home learning and consistency, something that is extremely hard with many shared custody arrangements. I have a support structure of special needs educators to help get ss on the right path, but the time we lose to bm (who doesn’t understand his needs) keeps him from progressing. Ss seems to react my positively to me when it comes to his education and we have a good homework routine. I desperately want to go to parent-teacher meetings and meetings with his education specialists because I know what they’re saying, I know what to ask and I know what to do with the information when we get home. Dh doesn’t want me to go (all meetings are separate from bm) because, well, I don’t exactly know. I tell him that he can bring anyone he wants, that people bring in-laws, tutors, preachers, etc. He won’t let me or anyone from our educational support structure attend. And further to schooling, I can drop off the kids to school/daycare but I can’t pick them up. I’m not on the list and he won’t add me. I know that he wants to avoid conflict with bm but there’ve been times in the winter where he’s still in traffic, the kids are sitting at daycare and I’m twiddling my thumbs at home waiting. He doesn’t seem to get why this bothers me so much, that in this one tiny way, it would make me relevant in their lives. It would say that I matter.

There are endless custody issues that never seem to subside. My parents’ divorce was final pretty quickly, custody was definitive and issues rarely arose. I support dh in these disputes, emotionally and administratively so to speak. I have a better memory for some of the finer points than he seems to, I keep records and try to offer gentle reminders when there is something about to be overlooked on his side or when bm is stepping on his rights. I try very hard not to nag on custody issues but when I do bring up issues that are going unresolved, he gets mad that I’m harping and we fight. In other avenues of life, I might drop a contentious issue and let the other person deal with the consequences of not following through, although not generally my nature. I don’t know how to do that with dh because how can I purposely let him lose footing just to prove a selfish point? We had the “harping” argument last night. I feel a lot of the time like I’m living life by walking on eggshells.

They’re not my kids. I have no rights. I can’t make decisions for them that matter, I can’t even pick them up from school. I’m irrelevant. If I wasn’t here, in the end, it wouldn’t matter.

Ss has had a few trips to the hospital over the past few months. I was out of town (6-8hrs away) when dh called to say ss was in the hospital. I had to wait for my ride to pack up before with could leave. I got home in the early morning and rushed to the hospital only to sit in the waiting room until bm decided to allow dh’s family some alone time with ss – This was at dinner time, I sat there for hours and hours with no access and no rights. Could I have pleaded a case to get in to see him? Sure, but is that the time or place to cause conflict? I should have learned from this but I didn’t. The next time he was taken to the hospital my maternal instinct kicked in and I dropped everything at work, sped to the hospital only to sit in the waiting room and my car for hours. I wasn’t allowed in because dh, bm, gm, gp and ss were with him. I don’t rank. Again, I wasn’t going to create conflict at the hospital, so I waited and finally saw ss when he came out to go home some. (He’s doing well now btw.)

How do you make someone understand all of these feelings? I feel so guilty over trying. How horrible is it of me to say – Do you understand what it’s like to find out that a child that your heart considers yours is in the hospital, to rush to be by their side and to be asked by the nurse “and what is your relationship to the child?” (I was left dumbfounded – I can’t say Daddy’s girlfriend, I’m not Daddy’s wife, I’m not even technically his step-mother.) How do you try to get a biological parent to understand the heart-ache of a step-parent when THEIR CHILD is sick or injured? You can’t. I tried to explain, but I ended up feeling like a horrible, worthless pile of poop. Which makes all the feelings worse.

Wow, I guess I’ve vented for a while. I just needed to say those things to people who might actually empathize.

Thanks for listening.