Advice on building relationships
I know a lot of people talk about disengaging, but do people have advice on actively working to build better relationships with skids?
I have a pretty good bond with ss9. I was a tomboy and I get him. I've made a point to give him the attention that he doesn't get with BM, plus we work hard together on his academics and on his self-esteem together.
Sd6 is another story. BM has raised her to be skeptical of everyone and exceedingly possessive of her parents. She is sooooo possessive of DH, even against her brother. It's like DH is her sole property and no one else can touch him. She also will ignore my direction or do the exact opposite while looking me dead in the eyes. She's gonna be a battle.
Having said that, she trusts me without question. I can bath her and dress her and be with her while she uses the toilet with any hesitancy on her part.
I would like to work on building a bond with her. I'm going to try over the holidays to make an extra effort to play games with her and do things with her.
Does anyone have any good advice on bonding and building relationships?
Please be careful. Bathing,
Please be careful. Bathing, dressing and being in the bathroom with her while she uses the toilet, is inviting trouble. Protect yourself against false sexual abuse charges. If the child needs help with any of those things, her dad should step up and help her. A 6 year old should be able to do all of those things without much help.
Don't worry, I'm very
Don't worry, I'm very conscious of that.
I never touch her while she's using the toilet or bathing. DH usually does her bathing but I've had to hose her done a few times (after swimming at the beach, peeing her bed, throwing up). I Dome help her with wiping or any of that, I give verbal instruction but never touch her. When dressing I try to let her do it all herself but sometimes she needs help with certain pieces of clothing.
She just thinks nothing of me helping her like a child would for a parent.
Pick something you know she
Pick something you know she loves. Baking/ art/ dance/ tea parties , you get the idea. Let's say it's baking, invite her to choose something to make. Then plan it out together, get the ingredients together and take the time to guide as well as bond.
I find my daughter much easier to engage on so many levels than my SS. My H pulls out a football and PPP is in that garden throwing and catching. Get out the baking goods, she has her little chefs hat and apron on. Both my H and I find her much easier to bond with than SS.
You need to engage this little girl on her level. DO NOT do her hair or nails. A bio mother will not appreciate that. Anything else is fair game.
That was actually top on my
That was actually top on my list, she and I going for a manicure/pedicure - maybe inviting grandma.
BM's boyfriend's daughter does her nails all the time, I've done it one when so asked me and grandma took her for a fun shopping pedi day once. I figure, while hair can't be fixed immediately (and trust me, I want to give her a better hair cut) nail polish can be wiped off.
Ss wants to bake and cook. He was so happy that BM had said she'd bake with him, but her promises to him ALWAYS fall through. So my parents gave him a kids cookbook for our early Christmas with them. He loved it. I told him he can pick something this weekend and we'll go shopping and make it.
Ss doesn't have these things really yet. She's still very monkey see monkey do with her brother, so she'll want to join in.
I say BM caused her to be
I say BM caused her to be skeptical and possessive because when DH and BM split Sd6 was barely over a year. BM would literally grab her up and shield her face and rush her away from DH's family and even DH when she could get away with it. It's taken years for her to come around, that these people aren't actually the boogy men that BM was making her believe they were. Sd6 even told DH's mother that.
She's 6 and is starting to see things for herself.
Find interests that you have
Find interests that you have in common with your SD, even if its small and kind of silly. My SD6 LOVES crafts and decorating. I like to do little crafts to decorate for holidays, so I try to buy stuff that we can work on together or that she can help me do. She begged to decorate for halloween, so I took her to pick out some things. We bonded more over annoying daddy with the "obnoxious" things he didn't like than anything lol. My house is a massive mess of glitter and tinsel right now because it's something we both enjoy doing. Also she likes painting nails and getting hers done. I know someone suggested to not do hers (which if BM is psycho and will get mad, that's good advice), but that doesn't mean you can't let her do yours. Let her paint your toes. If you wear closed toe shoes, no one will even notice how they look and she might really like it. Especially if you wear it around for a bit and not take it off right away. SD is happy when she sees I haven't changed my polish yet when she knows she did my nails for me, she doesn't have to know its cuz I'm lazy lol.
She likes crafts and games so
She likes crafts and games so I'll start there. Books are her special time with Daddy every night, so I wouldn't want to take away from that.
I just can't think of much else we have in common.
I was a little heartbroken last night, although it wasn't unexpected - she was making up teams, for who knows what, and on her team was DH, BM, DH's mom and BM's BF. I guess I'd just like to make the second string.