Wanting a child + fertility problems
I didn't want to steal the previous posters thread - so I'm posting separately.
I'm actually sitting on on the couch in our living room tonight, in tears. I've thought of posting something before, even wrote it up once but didn't post it in the end. I just came on tonight to try to think about something else but can't.
I told DH on date #1, verbatim - "you have 2 kids, I want 2 kids. Are you willing to have 4 kids?" He said yes, and we've been together for 4 years now. Unfortunately for us, BM is very much in the picture and his custody battle is going into year 5 because she now wants to move the skids 2hrs away. I give my heart and soul to the skids, I give up time with my family, my friends, my activities, overtime at work for extra $$$, etc to be able to be with DH and the skids as a family - only to have BM accuse me today of being some brutal authoritarian monster to sd6. I love these skids like they're my own and yet they want Daddy. While my logical adult brain gets it, but my fragile heart is crushed every night when we sit on the couch and the three of them are cuddled together on one side and I sit alone like a pariah on the other side.
I have always held strong to the fact that I wanted to add to our family and try to avoid saying a "child of my own" or start "our own family". But it's what I want, I want a child to grow inside me that is mine. That I can love and that will love me back. A child that I can give my all to and not have to worry about whether I'm crossing that stepparent line. DH knows how badly I want this and how its crushing my soul and spirit and I've told him about how I'm dying inside a little bit everyday.
I turn 40 in April, DH is 1 year younger than me. Skids are 9.5 and 6. I want children now, while I my body still can, while the child has the best chance of being healthy, while skids are still young enough to want to be involved with their new siblings and while DH is still in a raising kids frame of mind.
DH is caught in divorce/custody/court debt and doesn't feel that he can support a new child right now. But I don't think this debt will ever truly go away. He's torn up over not being able to be the father he wants to be for the skids and doesn't know that it's fair to split himself into another piece for a new child. He also thinks I can't possibly understand what it means to be a real parent - but he didn't know either. He thinks I'm living in some hormonal societally imposed preconception that I can't be a fulfilled woman without having given birth. That makes him sound like a jerk, but he's not. And note that DH was tricked into having the skids by BM, so there's extra baggage there. I have money and both our families will dote on a child and help us out where needed, in fact most baby and toddler supplies/furniture will be provided by family (if we don't wait too long).
I went off my pill in May of this year because I was having issues with it (bled almost 100 days out of 130) so my doctor and I decided it was best for me to stop birth control all together. I was really fearful of how DH would react, knowing how the skids came about, and I was in tears telling him about what had really been going on over the past few months with my body - he'd known something was wrong with me but I was keeping it balled up inside. He was very supportive. I told him we'd use condoms when I presumed to be ovulating or we could let nature take its course. We used them twice and then they stayed in the drawer.
I also told him that my doctor was referring me to a fertility clinic to make sure that I was good to go for conceiving, and that he would have to come and be tested also. He placated me and agreed to come. At the beginning of September he did his one blood test and donation, and I had to drive 1hr+ into the city every other morning at 6am for 3 weeks to do blood tests (and promptly throw up) and be poked and prodded with an ultrasound wand (to then have to drive back out of the city for work). I have to take horse pill fertility vitamins that make me nauseated and also had antibiotics for another test that leaves you cramping for hours afterwards. They made me sick too. It was an awesome experience - insert sarcasm here.
Just ahead of our follow-up appointment I was told I needed another blood test to verify a result and DH needed to provide another sample to verify an abnormality, so the follow-up got pushed back another month.
We went in this morning for the results, but not without BM causing a stink over the holiday schedule SHE devised and we agreed to. When she didn't like the compromise, she threw a hissy fit and randomly out of the blue accused me of being abusive to sd6 and basically saying that sad6 comes home ever week upset because of me and that "as a mother she's very concerned". (Sd6 gets away with murder with BM and doesn't like being told what to do. So she has to eat all her food or she doesn't get a snack - what a horrible monster I must be!!!!). This was just the slap in the face I needed 30min before walking into the do-or-die appointment on whether or not I'd be able to have a child of my own.
Bottom line for the appointment, I'm old. I'm normal, but low normal and my age is starting to show on my results. But worse than that, DH's results were extremely abnormal so any chance of natural conception it virtually off the table for us and due to his results IUF is off the table, ONLY IVF is an option. So in one flew swoop I've been deemed a horrible stepmother who can't naturally conceive. Needless to say I was in tears.
The doctor did tell us that our government has JUST (Dec 1, 2015) started funding IVF once in a women's lifetime - fertility drugs not included $3000-$5000. So she's put me on the wait list, already hundreds of women deep, at least 6-8months away. I could feel DH tense up with that early of an impending time line.
Knowing that our custody issues are playing a role in DH's decision, she offered up that we go through with the fertilization procedure when the time comes up and if nothing else freeze the embryos. I could feel DH's tension melt away when she said this, like it was some magic cure. Like frozen embryos meant that my body would also stop aging somehow and like my heart and soul wouldn't be crushed every single day knowing my potential babies we're just sitting on ice in a test tube somewhere.
He has more tests now to see if they can find out what's wrong with him, so 3 months more for that. And 4 months until bother custody trial. And then I turn 40.
"All it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured soul, and they will never notice how broken you really are." Robin Williams