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Wanting a child + fertility problems

scifimom's picture

I didn't want to steal the previous posters thread - so I'm posting separately.
I'm actually sitting on on the couch in our living room tonight, in tears. I've thought of posting something before, even wrote it up once but didn't post it in the end. I just came on tonight to try to think about something else but can't.

I told DH on date #1, verbatim - "you have 2 kids, I want 2 kids. Are you willing to have 4 kids?" He said yes, and we've been together for 4 years now. Unfortunately for us, BM is very much in the picture and his custody battle is going into year 5 because she now wants to move the skids 2hrs away. I give my heart and soul to the skids, I give up time with my family, my friends, my activities, overtime at work for extra $$$, etc to be able to be with DH and the skids as a family - only to have BM accuse me today of being some brutal authoritarian monster to sd6. I love these skids like they're my own and yet they want Daddy. While my logical adult brain gets it, but my fragile heart is crushed every night when we sit on the couch and the three of them are cuddled together on one side and I sit alone like a pariah on the other side.

I have always held strong to the fact that I wanted to add to our family and try to avoid saying a "child of my own" or start "our own family". But it's what I want, I want a child to grow inside me that is mine. That I can love and that will love me back. A child that I can give my all to and not have to worry about whether I'm crossing that stepparent line. DH knows how badly I want this and how its crushing my soul and spirit and I've told him about how I'm dying inside a little bit everyday.

I turn 40 in April, DH is 1 year younger than me. Skids are 9.5 and 6. I want children now, while I my body still can, while the child has the best chance of being healthy, while skids are still young enough to want to be involved with their new siblings and while DH is still in a raising kids frame of mind.

DH is caught in divorce/custody/court debt and doesn't feel that he can support a new child right now. But I don't think this debt will ever truly go away. He's torn up over not being able to be the father he wants to be for the skids and doesn't know that it's fair to split himself into another piece for a new child. He also thinks I can't possibly understand what it means to be a real parent - but he didn't know either. He thinks I'm living in some hormonal societally imposed preconception that I can't be a fulfilled woman without having given birth. That makes him sound like a jerk, but he's not. And note that DH was tricked into having the skids by BM, so there's extra baggage there. I have money and both our families will dote on a child and help us out where needed, in fact most baby and toddler supplies/furniture will be provided by family (if we don't wait too long).

I went off my pill in May of this year because I was having issues with it (bled almost 100 days out of 130) so my doctor and I decided it was best for me to stop birth control all together. I was really fearful of how DH would react, knowing how the skids came about, and I was in tears telling him about what had really been going on over the past few months with my body - he'd known something was wrong with me but I was keeping it balled up inside. He was very supportive. I told him we'd use condoms when I presumed to be ovulating or we could let nature take its course. We used them twice and then they stayed in the drawer.

I also told him that my doctor was referring me to a fertility clinic to make sure that I was good to go for conceiving, and that he would have to come and be tested also. He placated me and agreed to come. At the beginning of September he did his one blood test and donation, and I had to drive 1hr+ into the city every other morning at 6am for 3 weeks to do blood tests (and promptly throw up) and be poked and prodded with an ultrasound wand (to then have to drive back out of the city for work). I have to take horse pill fertility vitamins that make me nauseated and also had antibiotics for another test that leaves you cramping for hours afterwards. They made me sick too. It was an awesome experience - insert sarcasm here.

Just ahead of our follow-up appointment I was told I needed another blood test to verify a result and DH needed to provide another sample to verify an abnormality, so the follow-up got pushed back another month.

We went in this morning for the results, but not without BM causing a stink over the holiday schedule SHE devised and we agreed to. When she didn't like the compromise, she threw a hissy fit and randomly out of the blue accused me of being abusive to sd6 and basically saying that sad6 comes home ever week upset because of me and that "as a mother she's very concerned". (Sd6 gets away with murder with BM and doesn't like being told what to do. So she has to eat all her food or she doesn't get a snack - what a horrible monster I must be!!!!). This was just the slap in the face I needed 30min before walking into the do-or-die appointment on whether or not I'd be able to have a child of my own.

Bottom line for the appointment, I'm old. I'm normal, but low normal and my age is starting to show on my results. But worse than that, DH's results were extremely abnormal so any chance of natural conception it virtually off the table for us and due to his results IUF is off the table, ONLY IVF is an option. So in one flew swoop I've been deemed a horrible stepmother who can't naturally conceive. Needless to say I was in tears.

The doctor did tell us that our government has JUST (Dec 1, 2015) started funding IVF once in a women's lifetime - fertility drugs not included $3000-$5000. So she's put me on the wait list, already hundreds of women deep, at least 6-8months away. I could feel DH tense up with that early of an impending time line.

Knowing that our custody issues are playing a role in DH's decision, she offered up that we go through with the fertilization procedure when the time comes up and if nothing else freeze the embryos. I could feel DH's tension melt away when she said this, like it was some magic cure. Like frozen embryos meant that my body would also stop aging somehow and like my heart and soul wouldn't be crushed every single day knowing my potential babies we're just sitting on ice in a test tube somewhere.

He has more tests now to see if they can find out what's wrong with him, so 3 months more for that. And 4 months until bother custody trial. And then I turn 40.

"All it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured soul, and they will never notice how broken you really are." Robin Williams

Monchichi's picture

Oh honey (hugs). I have been there. I will post more later today. I had my youngest at 41 with a fertility specialist. I have such a beautiful success story for you xx

scifimom's picture

I got to bed at 4am, but think it took about 30min more to drift off, then DH's alarm goes off at 5am and my alarm at 7:30am. This is going to be a LONG day.

DH NEVER refers to it himself as being tricked, that's my wording. She told him at the beginning of their relationship that she was unable to have kids, but she was on the pill to regulate her cycle. DH took her at face value, turned out she'd lied to him and never in fact had any testing of any kind and just figured for whatever psycho logic that she was infertile. However, she conveniently stopped taking her pill without telling him because her sister got pregnant and she didn't want to get left behind. DH and BM were set to get married already and he thought he was in love, it was just unexpected but not unwanted. DH and BM had not been intimate for a LONG after the birth of ss, one night she allowed intimacy, and yes DH could have worn a condom with his wife but she was on the pill still - or so he thought. Without any pre-discussion, she'd gone off the pill AGAIN and was pregnant AGAIN. And trust me, if it weren't for the fact that both kids look completely alike and like DH's mother (and neither DH or BM), I'd say sd likely wasn't his. No sex and then BAM, one night - it's very fishy. Not that it never happens like that, but it seems very convenient for her. DH was not happy and they discussed not having sd because, to DH, it wasn't right to bring a child into a faultering relationship. And sure enough the relationship was over just a year after her birth.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

I'm 40 with a baby girl and her dad turns 50 this year. if it were me, I'd say fight fight fight with all your might to accomplish this. If you have to get another job to pay for the treatment or if you have to put your stepmother duties aside and just let your husband focus on his custody battle, then do it. Don't give up on your hopes and dreams. If it doesn't happen, well then you know that YOU did everything you could and give it your all BUT if your putting that focus and attention that you've been putting on step life on you... hey it might.

Snowflake's picture

I feel so sad and angry for you. How dare your husband tell you that you don't and won't know how to be a parent. Just because you haven't had a child yet doesn't mean that you won't be instantly in love when you feel that little bundle of joy.

You are on a limited time line. I would start taking matters into my own hands if I were you. I have dealt with couples wanting children in my former profession, and it would break my heart to see the pain that not having a child of your own can take on a person (not just women).

It took a toll on me emotionally when I was unable to assist a couple in having a child. It makes me sick that your own husband and partner cannot see the pain that this is and will cause you. Your husband is extraoridanily selfish in that he is only thinking of his kids with his ex, and not the fact that his wife wants kids but may not be able to have a child. He can continue that fight while you also try to have a child.

Now is the time to look for solutions. If he is the issue, then I would look into sperm donation immediately. Going with a fresh cycle is usually preferred so you won't have to undergo the process of taking the (horrible) hormone medications a second time, and because the medications alone each time you undergo a cycle (fresh or frozen) can be anywhere from 4kto 10k, PLUS the hospital and transfer costs. . The age of the mother at the time of fertilization of the embroyos is the most important aspect to even creating viable embroyos, so your doc is right in that you need to get this ball rolling now. I doubt the government is going to let you undergo a harvesting cycle now, and then pay for basically pay for another separate cycle of meds and transfer costs later.

I would completely resent my husband if he did not want a child with me. I will tell you that the love you feel for your child, is completely different then the love you will ever feel for anyone else. It is not that you gave birth to that child, because you can have a child through adoption or surrogacy, but because it is a child that you are 100 percent responsible for. You are the one to make the parenting decisions, the child will have a bond with you as their only mother. He is delusional if he thinks you would ever be okay to live your life without a child that you want just because HE has a child he is raising with his ex.

scifimom's picture

DH and I have had many of what I like to call argudiscussions on the matter. He knows that if I wasn't in a committed relationship (after a previous long term relationship ended due to my ex's cheating) by the time I was 40 I was going to have a child alone. I was raised by a single mom and I know I'm strong enough to do it myself.

DH and I have talked about our options,
1) naturally (no longer an option) together
2) IUF via another man's sperm so that I can have the child, but we'd stay together as a couple
3) I freeze eggs and wait for him to be ready - but the cost would kill us
4) we go our separate ways and I decide for myself

DH is so stuck in the now that he can't see that even when natural was an option that it would take a while and then 9 months after that. To keep waiting only pushes that back and makes our odds worse for a healthy child. There was no way option 2 was going to work, our relationship would be over. Option 3 (now OUR only option) puts me in a position of having to undergo full fertility treatments only to resent him everyday we wait. I love him so much and I don't want to leave him. I know that I'll resent him though, if I don't have a child. The more we talk the more I feel like I'm just pushing him into something he doesn't want. Although yesterday was extremely disheartening for me, the only positive I could come away with is that DH was encouraged about the freezing process and temporary postponement, like he's not against it but not right now.

I didn't at first realize what was above meant about going through things twice, but now I think I understand and will have to research/ask the doctor. I have to be on all the meds and go through the procedure to get the eggs and then do it all again to be implanted. We didn't think about that yesterday. And please do tell me, what do I need to expect on these drugs and during this whole process. I've tried to explain to DH that it's a lot worse and invasive than just squirting into a cup. I know he didn't understand the cycle monitoring process and how much of a toll it took on me.

When we started to talk about it last night - I had to immediately drop him back to work after the appointment, luckily I had some time with a friend to decompress and then a fun team building activity with work in the afternoon sorting toys for charity. After an hour and a half of being home, we hadn't talked about it and wouldn't have if I didn't bring it up. I asked him what he thought and if he was okay with all the testing he had to do now and he said yes. I asked him what he thought otherwise and he said it was good that we could freeze things. I said good for him and then shut up. I put on a comedy show on the tv and let myself fall asleep. That was stupid because I took away my best nighttime coping tool - exhaustion.

He doesn't get that I've just lost most women's dream of having a child naturally with the excitement of a happy surprise. I don't think that's something I can get him to understand. And now I have to get clinical and be poked and prodded and take more meds that will make me sick and have more blood tests that will make me throw up. Plus, and this is the only good thing, I have to lose 10-15lbs to qualify for IVF, so I have extra motivation to break open my Black Friday treadmill. He squirts in a cup a couple more times and he's done.

Can someone break/verify my preconception about IVF, are we risking multiple births? Especially if we only have the one shot, would they not put in as many viable embryos as possible? I kind of always wanted twins and especially at our age, but the thought of more than two has me scared to death.

DH has an appointment with his lawyer tomorrow regarding BM trying to take the kids away + a meeting with the school because BM has been trying to cut DH out of any involvement there. I really hate to add to this for him especially ahead of Christmas.

Honestly, because we've been unprotected since the summer, I was soooooo hoping to have a surprise to tell my family this year. I even had to confess to my brother a few weeks back that I wasn't visiting my niece2 and nephew6 because they are exactly what I picture my kids to look like and it kills me every time I see them.

I'm not superstitious generally but I don't put in writing things that I'm afraid of. I do have a "fur baby". She is the love of my life, and she turns 15 in April. It's hard to believe that something cam make you so incredibly happy and so exceedingly sad at the same time. I know her time is coming soon and the thought of losing my baby is tearing my apart even more inside.

I'm a mess and now I'm late for work :(.

Snowflake's picture

There are a few things to consider.

* Chances of getting pregnant at age 40 using your eggs are less then 16 percent. Those odds go down when using frozen embryos and they go down further when creating embryos using frozen eggs. At age 42 your chances of achieving pregnancy is less the 6 percent. After that it is less then 2 percent.

* All clinics have an age limit on patients they allow to use their own eggs on for IVF. Most will only allow egg retrievals until age 42. Very few will even allow retrieval after that age, the max age at very select clinics is age 44.

* If you opt to not go with a fresh transfer, then you have the option of freezing your eggs or freezing embryos using your dh's sperm. The downside of freezing your eggs is that after age 38 the quality and quantity of the eggs harvested are lower. Since eggs are much less durable and much more sensitive then embryos, much less of them survive the freezing and thawing process.

* If you opt to freeze embryos using your dh's sperm, then he will own them as well. Meaning that is he does not expressly consent to each and every IVF process, then you can't have them. Period. There is no getting around that at all.

* If you don't get pregnant using your eggs, then you can always go the route of embryos adoption or egg donation. The biggest factor in achieving pregnancy via IVF is the age of the eggs at retrieval. So you may be able to have a child, but it just wouldn't be a bio or your dh's bio. Egg donation is much more expensive then embryo adoption. Some couples who don't want to destroy the embryos yet are finished having kids will donate them to other couples.

z3girl's picture

Been there!

DH refused to see why his count was so low, so ICSI was our ONLY option, and he refused to do it unless insurance covered it. It didn't. We ended up traveling to the Czech Republic to get it done cheaply.

I did everything alone. I went to Czech alone for 17 days; DH only joined me in the middle for 3 days to supply his part. Round failed. Our insurance changed and another round was covered here in the US. I met the doctors and had the additional tests alone. Before the first round (or during the beginning...taking shots then) I got pregnant naturally after over 4 years of trying. After a doctor told me I had a less than 3% chance of conceiving even if I was ovulating based on DH's count. Alrighty...

One woman I met also having IVF in Czech was 40 or 41, and already $50k in debt from IVF in the US. For her next scheduled round, she planned on donor eggs, and to bring her stepkids as a vacation. (She's one of the lucky ones who didn't need this site...) The cost at the time for IVF using donor eggs at that clinic was only $4k. I hope it worked for her.

It can happen, but it's not easy. And you can do it with "little support" if you have your heart set on it.

I'm 39 and having trouble conceiving again. I'm not sure I want to go through it all again, but if it hadn't worked before, I sure as hell would.

It's a heartache I wouldn't wish on anyone. Having your own child is priceless if that's what you want. Worth every penny. Money in your pockets does not equal the love you feel when you have the baby you really wanted. (Trying to be sensitive to people who don't have children and didn't want's not necessarily the greatest to everyone, but for me, the most incredible feeling in the world.)

If you want to know about IVF in Czech, feel free to message me. I don't see why ICSI is not an option immediately unless it's for you to be ready. Also, multiple births is not necessary unless you transfer more than one embryo. At your age, they probably will put it in 2, but there are laws now that prohibit more than 3. (At least in Czech...not sure if it's the case in the US yet.)

notasm3's picture

I know lots and lots of women who have had children in their early 40s. Most without extreme fertility measures (things like IVF did not exist when I was younger).

But if he prevents you from having a child there is a good chance that you will NEVER be able to forgive him. I am an older woman who desperately wanted children - but did not want to have them alone. When I aged out with no partner in sight I was severely clinically depressed. If there had been a man in my life to blame it would not have been pretty.

DH was long snipped when I met him. He got snipped 2 weeks after finding out BM was pregnant with SS30 (they had sex years and years after their divorce and produced the cretin). He was still quite young. If I'd met him when I was still fertile it would have been a total deal breaker for me. I'd have been PISSED beyond belief that their stupid ONS with no BC affected my ability to have a child - but it didn't. I was years past menopause when we met.

As I approach 70 I am okay with not having children or grandchildren. I could latch onto SS30s's soon to be born kid as a GC - but I don't want to. I do not want to get attached to a child that is pretty much doomed. DH and I are both retired, travel a lot and quite frankly like our freedom.

scifimom's picture

All of the categories for grading DH's sperm are low. Low count - 75 million on average but under 10 million for DH. Motility is low and I can't remember the technical name for the other thing that judges the quality of the sperm was low also.

I *may*, but it was underlined as possibly being a false ultrasound reading, be releasing an ever so slightly premature egg.

We can keep having sex as usual and, although I'm not religious, miracles can happen. The likelihood of that though is astronomically low.

ICSI/IVF are our best and seemingly only chance.

The fetility doctor has me on 3 different vitamins to boost everything that can be boosted without medication. She also put DH on another vitamin to help him.

We both need to lose weight - we stress eat and both of us have had A LOT of stress. I'm at my heaviest ever at 225lbs. I need to get back down to 120lbs, but I'd be happy with 140lbs. I won't be accepted to the IVF program if I can't get down to 210 within the next 6months. DH can also stand to loss 100-150lbs. The doctor said we need to cut carbs and get walking.

The stats frighten me to death, but he can't see it. He can't see that it's now or never and especially that we know we have problems.

scifimom's picture

Yes, but part of the issue is still that he's on the fence. If he's not willing to have a bio-child with me, then a non-bio child is a non-starter.

Which means I have to decide what's the most important for me. A natural child with him, a natural child by myself, no child with him, no child by myself...
and at this point, I WANT to be pregnant. I want the whole experience. I'm not willing to give up on it yet.

SecondGeneration's picture

My heart goes out to you, this is my nightmare scenario. To have been sensible about waiting to have a biological child and then discover either you or your partner have fertility issues. But then dealing with, not really wanting more anyway, just heart breaking.