You are here

Divorcing...staying together...maybe

Iwisallowed's picture

This is something that I had needed to get off of my chest for a a couple years now. Please try not to judge...I spent 8 years in an abusive relationship and moved to a state when I was 23 where I have zero family. 

I got married because of my DH morality clause in his DV paperwork. We were together for about 8 months before I found out becaue she found out a freaked that I had spent the night. I was struggling to make my mortgage payment and had one roommate at the time. I just figured that we were going to move in together like a normal couple does and get married when we decided the time was right. My mortgage went up and I needed to either have him move in (which I feel is competely normal) or get another roommate. He didn't like the idea of me getting another roommate.

So we both decided that we were elope so that we could show we had a marriage certificate and then get divorced. I was unhappy about it but I felt stuck...because I really loved this man and I really wanted to live with him and be together at the time. He expessed how he was upset about it to but didn't ever say that it didn't matter if we just went ahead and move in together so I had the impression that it was either do this or break up. He chose the morality clause over my own happiness. 

I expessed that maybe we could wait and have a wedding and he stated that "he didn't want to have another big wedding" I told him it didnt need to be big but everytime I tried to bring something up he just baulked at it. So we went to the courthouse by nothing. one of the saddest days of my life.

Afterwards, we both kind of decided that we were gong to stay married. we were in love so why not? but the resentment of the whole ordeal ate away at me. I felt like trash, someone who didn't even deserve any type of real wedding. I have come to learn that it was fake from the beginning. Also, I didn't know that I had to claim all of his income on our tax returns (his childsupport is 35K which is about as much as I make) I was 28 and had the whole world at my finger tips, but i chose this instead. My student loan payment has skyrocketed. My taxes are insane. I can't get student loans/grants. 

Three years later we still haven't signed the DV paperwork but we are doing it in the next couple days. I feel the light at the end of the tunnel and I will finally be able to provide for my own kid. Also, yeah we never had any type of honeymoon but he did give me a ring on our 1 year mark. Maybe I am just being selfish, but it really does just make me feel used. 


DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

The happiest couple I know just had two witnesses. They are in their 80s now. 

If you want you could throw a post wedding party and dress up, and you can go on a nice honeymoon still. 

tog redux's picture

Well, it doesn't sound like either of you really wanted to get married at that moment, so I'm not clear why not having a big wedding is the sticking point here? Seems to be me you are very unhappy with how he parents, so it's fine to say that you moved too quickly and let this one go.

By the way, we got married with two witnesses and we'd do the same again.  We did later have a dinner and a honeymoon, but the dinner was mostly to appease my mother, who was unhappy I eloped, and the "honeymoon" was a trip we would have taken married or otherwise.

BethAnne's picture

We all walk into things we don't understand when we are young. You have seen the light and very soon you will be able to live in it. Don't beat yourself up for past mistakes, move on and enjoy your new freedom. You have a lot more adult life in front of you than you do behind you, you can build a life that you want for you and your son. You might not have celebrated your wedding, but I hope that you find a way to celebrate your divorce, you deserve to recognise the begining of a new chapter that is waiting for you.

susanm's picture

Wait - so are you divorcing to resolve financial issues but still remaining together in all other ways?  Maybe I am misunderstanding but that is what it sounds like.  And that will only make you feell more used.  Please tell me that I am off-base here.

BethAnne's picture

I'm confused too. I thought you could file taxes separately from your spouse so that their finances don't impact your own...? That would not need a divorce to sort out, perhaps an accountant to get some help doing the taxes but divorce shoudn't be necessary. 

OP....if this is true and you are just divorcing for financial reasons, please, please, please seek out some therapy for yourself. Hopefully they can help you see that staying in this relationship is not healthy for you and that you have the ability to live and thrive on your own. 

Cover1W's picture

I file single but married to keep my money separate from my husbands.  He has some IRS debt (from his divorce, what 9/10 years ago now) that I am not every messing with.  It's a higher tax rate, but protects me.  I agree she needs to talk to an accountant now.  And if she's that unhappy....OP, you can leave the marriage.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

It sounds like you feel used because your marriage is crap, not because of the lack of a wedding. This guy has treated you like sloppy seconds from the start. Bullied into marriage because of ex-wife's tantrum. 5 poorly parented kids under 10 with a lazy, guilty dad. He gets mad when you bring up issues about the kids. I get it. When you are emotionally attached and haven't had good relationships in the past, and have a poor support system, it can be hard to leave. I haven't fully left my situation either. But, if you divorce, i urge you to really separate. There are a lot of years to go living in this nightmare, and as you can tell from these blogs, guilty dads raise kids who don't meet milestones, hang out with friends as opposed to parents, or launch at the appropriate age. This could go on forever. 

justmakingthebest's picture

A wedding doesn't make a marriage. 

Your financial issues are something that millions of people deal with. I understand you think you will get more $ for taxes divorced and you probably will. Student loans will also go down for being a single parent. However, at the end of the day the longer you spread out those payments the more you are just paying in interest. 

Getting married so you could have sleepovers was probably a young and dumb move. But it is done. I personally don't think you should get divorced unless you are actually going to end it. It is completely disregarding marriage as a whole. You committed to each other- work through the financial hardship together, get over the "I didn't get a wedding" thing because that is really pretty childish, and make things better moving forward. You can't spend your life looking back over the "shoulda's". 

Many of us going into 2nd or 3rd marriages come with a lot of financial baggage. It is what it is. 

Iwisallowed's picture

I don't think it's childish to not want a secret marriage. We all want different things. I expressed the fact that I wanted a small wedding eventually but I couldn't afford it back then. In hindsight, I should have just got another roommate and waited. But I didn't and I've been dealing with the stress of it for years. I didn't get married for sleepovers. 

BethAnne's picture

It is not, you are correct. The wedding is not the issue, it is just one symptom. The issue is a partner who values his needs and wants  (and his kid's needs and wants) over you and your needs and desires. 


He is not a good partner, he is not a good parent, get the divorce and move on with your life. This relationship has run its course and it is time for you to move on and discover how much you are worth and what you deserve.