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Help seeing the other side, please

ITB2012's picture

I talked to DH about YSS breaking the no electronics in the room rule now with a new computer. That it is fine if we change/rescind the rule but that is our decision. I said I wanted to talk to him about it anyway since the older two will be getting laptops for college soon. 

He agreed and he also agreed that YSS broke the rule before we changed it and did not ask. And he agreed that YSSs extra electronics go away since he broke the rule and he can have them back on two weeks (about the time one of the older two will have a laptop). That turns out to be only three weekend days and maybe a night or two (since YSS is barely here due to DHs travel and his own sports stuff).

YSS copped an attitude right away so it didn’t go smoothly for him. (Oh, and when we walked in the room he had a brand new monitor that wasn’t here yesterday.) I didn’t yell or swear or say anything mean and neither did DH but I was direct (when DH was starting to hem and haw) and didn’t let a “but can’t we discuss it” conversation happen (told him the time to discuss it would have been before he did it, not after). He was made to pack it all up and hand it over. 

Later he was crying and DH went to console him. DH says he didn’t back down and reiterated what was said, but from snippets it seems YSS accused him of being my pawn. 

And the fun part of if DH was mad at me then for “making” him enforce the rule and he knows I “have fun” punishing the skids. First, enforcing the rule with no other repercussions is not punishment in my book. And, no. I don’t have fun. This is most definitely not a part of my life I would call fun. 

Just now DH told me that YSS is in his room and sad and it would be a good time for me to go in and mend bridges. Here’s the dilemma: I don’t know what bridge needs to be rebuilt. I get that he’s upset and frustrated and mad, probably mostly at me. 

I am willing to concede that I could have a blind spot and a bridge has to be mended. But since it’s a blind spot I don’t see it. Any advice or explanation would be appreciated. Im not gonna make a move until I see if I’m missing something. Any conversation right now would be pointless. 


Cbarton12's picture

Um what is there to mend? You enforced a rule of your household. And now your DH is making it seem like you're the bad guy. 

tog redux's picture

He's crying because he had to turn over his electronics? Better call him a waaaaahmbulance!

And what are you supposed to say, "YSS, I'm sorry your father enforced a rule that he agreed to months ago but let you break for all this time. "  Kids are SUPPOSED to be mad when they lose a privilege. That's kind of the point.

Your DH is a jackass, sorry.  I don't know how you deal with him.  Why make a rule you don't have the balls to enforce?

marblefawn's picture

Yea, your husband is a jackass if he let that kid put it all on you and he didn't defend you as the authority figure working in tandem WITH him to make and enforce rules. He's a coward.

I'd tell your husband you're willing to have a three-way discussion with the kid -- all of you there. Tell your husband exactly what you intend to say and ask him if he has any problem with it. And this is what I'd say: "Your dad and I agreed on the rule you broke; your dad and I agreed on your punishment. I understand that you blame me more for that rule and punishment even though your dad agreed to it and that's because I'm not your parent, but I'm not going to do anything in this house that your father doesn't agree to. We make decisions as a team. You love your dad so you don't have to be as mad at him as you are at me, but just so you know, we decided together to take away your computer."

I think that's all the kid needs to hear at this point. Anything would only encourage more bad behavior.

ITB2012's picture

All your comments—-that’s what’s in my head. 

ITB2012's picture

My initial reaction was: ?! Why in the world would I need to go talk to him? He’s upset duh, and it won’t hurt for him to sit in his mess. 

He is the king of tearing up to get his way. Has been since DH and I were dating. 

He knows DH doesn’t want them to ever be sad or be upset at him. According to DH he stood strong and yelled at YSS but it’s obvious that what YSS said got to him and that I’m again the scapegoat for DHs bad feelings about the situation. 

I am not going to “mend the bridge” as I crossed all the way over to address the issue and walked right back on that same bridge. The bridge is fine. YSSs side is just not as fun for a while. And I’m not setting myself up to be the sponge or scapegoat for his anger. 

A long time ago when DS was little he told me he was really mad (about some rule or punishment). I said that that’s fine, he can be mad, that’s his option and it didn’t bother me, but he has to follow the rule no matter how he feels about it. That took some air out of his little sails. 

Harry's picture

SS first should apologize to you and DH.   Then you can figure out what to mend ???  Doing your job in parenting SS.  That he not special and does not have to follow the rules like everyone else ?