You are here

It is not to much to ask, it is a basic expectation

ITB2012's picture

It is not too much to ask that DH and the kids/skids (all adults at this point) clean up after themselves. It's not even something that should have to be asked, it's a given. Clean up after yourselves. If DH expects people to put shoes away or dishes in the dishwasher, he'd better do that shit himself, too. 

I clean up after myself, I do tons of stuff around the house that I just do, without asking others for help, without heralding that I've done it and asking for praise and thanks. But expecting others to put things away, check the dishwasher, wipe up, put their clothes in their own laundry hamper (in their rooms) and not just in a pile in the bathroom (there's no room for a hamper in the bathrooms, it's an old house), is apparently too much. Asking them to soak dishes is too much. 

I don't even want to go into the kitchen during the day to make tea it's so messy. Nothing gets done until I freak out and they feel guilty, and yet DH keeps talking down about DS (living with us because he's too lonely living on his own during the pandemic) not doing things yet he's just as guilty of not cleaning up after himself or knows DS doesn't so he piles on but doesn't seem to realize I know who has done what even by the pattern of the mess. YSS (18, still in HS) shows up and makes a mess but that's never called out.

You may say "let it go" but you haven't seen the house nor how clean I keep things if it's just me. I have let things go. But there's a point where things are so far gone it's affecting my mental health.

Comments

Cover1W's picture

I have to ignore the kitchen when YSD is here. DH doesn't require her to do her dishes or unload the dishwasher. He doesn't do it either. I refuse to help them because they are perfectly capable. It was a disaster by end of day yesterday and I kept piling stuff into one side of the sink...loudly...if it was in my way.

If too much stuff is everywhere else (this would be DH as YSD doesn't leave her things around the house) and I cannot ignore it, I will pile it by DHs bedside or on the side of the couch where he sits. He knows better than to question this.

If it was also OSDs stuff, it would literally be thrown away, thrown in her room or donated to charity. I won't spend my time asking a million times for some consideration for others living in the house.

If DH got mad and complained that I was forcing my way of doing things on them I just turned it around right back at him, they should then expect me to live like them in a mess? Nope.

And I am ok with some disorder. But the level of chaos really is too much after a while.

missgingersnap2021's picture

Cover1W just becuase Dh doesnt require her to clean up why can't you? I guess I dont understand how so many women on here dont have control over their own homes. DHhas told me not to tell SD16 what to do but to tell him and he will make her do it. So first I tell him to tell her to do something and if he doesnt or she ignores him then I do speak up. 

I understand it may be none of my business how she does in school,  but how she keeps MY home is definilty my business! (Luckily DH backs me up on this becuase hes a neat freak too but more importantly I am the one that does allthe cleaning and he appreciates it and would never let her come in here and be messy)

Cover1W's picture

Because I do most everything else around and for the house and yard. I refuse to take on simple personal tasks for people who refuse to do it because it's boring, it takes too long or they simply don't want to.

I tired doing alllll of it and it drove me here to ST. I was losing my mind. If I cannot set basic expectations in this house and be able to follow through with zero undermining from DH then no, I do not help. I have a huge situation of responsibility without authority to this day. DH was recently irritated that I asked her, not him, to set the table for dinner. That's how bad he is. So I don't help at all.

And yes I walk away from disastrous kitchens. I work my butt off at my job just as much as he does and a 15 year old with zero chores and a light school load? And I'm supposed to just clean up after everyone? LOL.

YSD is overall pretty neat. She just has never been held accountable by EITHER parent for doing dishes or cleaning a bathroom. And I cannot turn that around. If I am directly involved, like on the rare occasion she is cooking with me you bet she's cleaning up before and after.

missgingersnap2021's picture

I sent you an apology but I did a major mistype. I meant to say "Why can't you require HER to clean up?' since it is your home. And OMG! My DH is the same way! He acts like when I ask her to do the tiniest of things I am asking her to clean the entire house top to bottom. EVERY single thing that she does now here on her own (make her bed every morning, wash her own clothes, scrub her toilet when twice a month and empty her garbage in her room and bathroom was a huge battle of wills with DH before he finally relaxed and stopped tryng to do all that for her! (Well actually the garbage is still an on-going issue. He still tries to run around on the Sundays she is her to empty all the garbages upstairs to "help me out" (But hmmm never does on the weekends shes not here)

The funny thing is last sunday when he did it she looked at me and said "Well I still have to take it out in the morning." Which meant she had her period so there would be some stuff in there and she knows I dont empty her garrbage is that kind of stuff is in it. Oh and the scrubbing of her own toilet? I told her she had to start doing it when DH wasn't around. To this day I dont think he knows thats one of her responsibilities.

tog redux's picture

I take care of most of that stuff in my house because I'd rather do it myself than either having it sitting there or fight about it - BUT, it's only me and DH. He will do it, but on his timeline and I'd rather just get it done.

Maybe it's time for DS to move out if he can't clean up after himself, and YSS to stop visiting for more than a few hours.  Or they pick up other chores instead if they will do them. But living there and doing nothing around the house is not okay. 

I would feel much differently about cleaning up SS's mess than I do DH's, personally.

Also, nice to see you again.  Smile

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

DS and Dear Neice always pick up after themselves. They know this is an expectation. So if their is a mess in the kitchen or dining room I leave it. SO usually cleans it up because I absolutely refuse to do it and he doesn't want to listen to me.

I have told my own kids from day 1 I am not Thier maid. I am certainly not going to wait on kids that aren't mine.  SO knows I am crazy enough that I would throw the dishes out before washing them. 

ITB2012's picture

DS knows DH is messy so that it's hard to know who did what so he lets things go (wasn't that way when it was just us before step-living). DH is messy and knows the kids are so he thinks if he leaves stuff out, no one will know it's him. Plus DH tends to side with the kids and not me. Though he behaves like them, he wants the privilege of not holding himself to the standards of the house, nor does he want to be the bad guy to call them out. If anyone leaves a dish out on the counter (even one that is definitely not a dishwasher friendly item like a pot), that means no one else checks the dishwasher and they just pile up stuff on the counter. 

Tog, I get that I could kick out DS but he's not doing well mentally with the pandemic and living alone. I get it and I'm trying to be helpful and supportive for all of them. In my freak out I named all the crap I just do without mentioning it (until then) so they got a sense of all the other stuff that just happens and they were being primadonnas saying that I wasn't helping by washing some of the dishes. I think they need to be put in their places more often, frankly. YSS has HS full-time and his job hasn't had him come in in weeks, DS is going to college part time and has a part time job, DH has a job, and I have a full-time job, a part-time job, am going to school part time, plus I teach an aerobics class twice a week. They have no leg to stand on since I also manage to clean up after myself with all that going on. And I pointed that out to them.

Cover1W's picture

Exactly! When DH complains or wants accolades for doing something he should have done anyway, I always ask him do you want to know what I did this week/today? Really, I will list it for you....

He never wants me to....

Your DH has ADD too, right? Which puts a special layer of difficulty on it all.

And we aren't talking about special things, just putting something in the dishwasher or unloading it when it's clean.

YSD tried to discount my vacuuming of the whole house recently. She sounded a lot like DH. I came down on that quick.

LoftyDreams's picture

I am currently not cooking or cleaning the kitchen/bathrooms. He constantly tells me he doesn't have time, but he is constantly on his phone.  It's been maybe 2 weeks, he made a salad for lunch and brought it to me and actually mostly cleaned the kitchen up on his lunch when he was previously telling me he didn't have time. It was really nice, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. But then I noticed some of the dishes were visibly soiled and I was irriated, but I had to remind myself to be calm and hope that it gets better because a grown man doesn't know how to clean dishes. Then he went on to tell me a story about how he had to do all the dishes when he was a teenager because his brother would not use dishes on his dish wash day, but on my husband's day he would bring friends over and they would dirty up dishes that he then had to wash. . .

I totally understand. Clean up after yourself! It's a basic idea. Do you want to clean after me? No. So why do I want to clean after you? I don't.

It had gotten to the point where my husband and stepchild would get dishes out of the dishwasher to eat with, but then would not unload the dishwasher.