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It doesn’t change, it’s just lurking in the background

ITB2012's picture

I'm not on here as often since the skids are mostly out of the house. As a warning to others who think it will go away or be better when the skids are out, it stays exactly the same except it doesn't happen as often so your guard is down and it's surprise attack when some step-crap occurs. 
 

Background: I get along with my skids and there's no animosity between me and BM. DH and BM get along okay now after a bumpy ride and DH still hyper focuses on the skids and it's like DS and I don't exist other than to fulfill his nuclear family fantasy. 
 

Todays story: DH, BM, my ex, and I all qualify in our state for the vaccine. I have been diligent about finding appointments and got ones for DH and I. I drove with DH to his just in case he did have a reaction. Here is our conversation in the car. 
DH: [blah, blah, blah, things about the vaccine and friends who are trying to get it and friends who've gotten it] ...and I'm going to feel really guilty when I tell BM I got vaccinated. She's going to be upset I got it first. 
Me: Why would you tell BM? [said in a curious and mild tone but wondering where this is coming from]

DH: [flips out on me that he and BM have a decent relationship now and they can tell each other stuff and he says other highly defensive things because he is so tightly wound that any question is an accusation of him to his core]
Me: I didn't say any of that, I'm curious why she would come up [and F-me! He's still this defensive?!]

DH: BM has X issue and I got in before her. 
Me: I still don't understand why you need to tell her. 
DH: She told me the other day she has an appt. 

Me: Ok. I still don't understand why you owe her the fact you got it. 
DH: Well she's been concerned about YSS getting her exposed due to his job. 
Me: Did she say she's concerned about you or ask if you'd gotten it?

DH: no. But I have to tell her  

[some conversation in here about whether it's related to YSS, it's not]

Me: I still don't get why you "have to" tell her. She didn't ask, she wasn't concerned at all at the beginning of the pandemic and was traveling all around. Remember you asked that YSS not come to our house because they weren't being careful? Is she hasn't asked as part of some ongoing conversation you are under no obligation to tell her. And why bring it up on purpose if you think she'd be upset? [DH has a history of saying stuff he doesn't need to and making situations worse] 

DH: She got a later one and she has X. They called her with an appt a few weeks from now. 
Me: If she wanted it sooner she could have advocated for herself like we did. If she's not fussed about it enough to do that and is willing to wait there's no reason she should be mad. And if you think she will be mad why would you bring it up? [Said more stuff sort of like "just because you have a stick doesn't mean you must poke people with it"]
DH: you're right. I won't bring it up. 
 

So he still has some weird obligation to BM even after DH and I have been together for a decade. It never ends folks.

Comments

advice.only2's picture

You have a DH who likes to overshare, regardless of who the person is, I have a DH who is the same way! On a side note congratulations on getting the vaccine.

My DH used to do the same thing with Meth Mouth...like dude stop telling that hag anything about our life! One example when I found out I was pregnant with BD he felt the need to call and let Meth Mouth know. I was like "why?" his reasoning was because Meth Mouth had called him when she found out she was pregnant...no clue why, I mean Spawn could have told him. So he felt he needed to return the courtesy. I told him that he could let Spawn know when she came over for her visitation and if she wanted to share with her mother that was fine, but he didn't need to call Meth Mouth personally and tell her. I asked him if he would like me to contact my ex and let him know I was pregnant and DH was like "NO!" exactly DH!

ITB2012's picture

He forgets to tell me stuff most of the time. 
And I'm totally an over-sharer, well, maybe it's that I'm okay sharing just about anything but I assess whether I should. I guess that goes to why people trust me with private information since I don't give it away and DH is terrible liar. Really no savvy in crafting a message without giving something away. 

The_Upgrade's picture

In my case it's about me needing to protect our assets (that I've worked to earn) from SD inheriting any. But you're right, it doesn't change. It just lurks there.

DH: why must we contribute to x,y,z in that particular order?

me: don't you remember the discussion at the financial advisor's? If I put this in my name it'll go towards our DD, and if you shuffle the funds from A to B it'll lessen your asset pool so that SD doesn't get to it.

DH: Oh....

*sits and sulks for a bit* hellooooo, why is it wrong to remind him his estranged little druggie has never been in our lives, she's hasn't seen her grandparents in 8 years, she's been more than adequately provided for right up to the age of 21. I know, he's probably upset that I'm reminding him all of the above. Every time some money needs to be shuffled around it's like groundhog day all over again. 

Stepdrama2020's picture

WHY are these BM's still relevant?  Yea i get its a health concern that affects SS. But to comment on the way in the car " BM will be upset he got the vaccine"  F that  Yea its an annoying part of step life.

My EX learned after a while never to mention the donut eating Queen BM, she was a total B to me.

ndc's picture

That would drive me nuts.  Why is he even thinking about BM? DH and I are way down the list of those eligible for the vaccine, but I can't imagine DH even thinking about BM in regards to the vaccine, letting alone telling her he got it (especially if he thought she'd be upset), nor can I imagine me engaging in a conversation about it.  

caninelover's picture

But I am so sick of people randomly posting/texting etc that they got the vaccine.  Please world stop oversharing!  Everyone who wants one will get one eventually.  It's not like you earned a PhD in nuclear physics.

Who cares that he got it first before BM?  And who cares if something that trivial upsets BM?  I would tell DH to go ahead. In fact I would do a whole social media post about it.  That should really piss her off.

tog redux's picture

I think they do it to encourage those who are on the fence about it. At least that's why I would. 

caninelover's picture

to get their vaccines. 

Similarly I have no issues with encouraging women to get the annual mammograms and pap smears but I'm not going to post my personal pap smear on FB and brag like I deserve a Nobel prize for it.

99.9% of the American population is aware of the vaccine and will come to own decisions.  Hopefully most will get the vaccine but these FB posts are more about people bragging than any type of PSA.

 

ITB2012's picture

That made me laugh. I can think of a few people who'd share their pap on FB. And I can think of a few people who'd totally freak if I did it. 

tog redux's picture

I guess. I know a lot of skeptical people, who are on the fence, and may be convinced if they see others are getting it and nothing bad happens.

Mammograms are different, whether or not you get a mammogram doesn't affect me one bit, but herd immunity or lack thereof affects all of us.  So those who won't get the vaccine DO affect me, and I'd hope to convince the ones who are convince-able.

missgingersnap2021's picture

*ROFL*. Youre right - Some people do act like its their diploma! And my DH is always saying how people on FB love to overshare. (and hes the complete opposite)

PetSpoiler's picture

I can't imagine my husband wanting to share his medical info with BM.  He hated her with a passion though and hated that he shared a kid with her so there's that.  She's deceased now but he never shared stuff like that with her.  

Even my dad never went out of his way to share medical info with my mom and they had been married for 20 years.  

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I will never understand it, SO and BM have such a highly conflicted, toxic relationship. The simple solution to that problem is to only communicate with BM when absolutely necessary.

But no, SO still engages in the same patterns over and over again expecting a different result. Then I have to deal with a depressed, pouty SO because they just had an argument and she didn't listen to anything he had to say and she started gaslighting him. 

Well DUH!!! 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

When DH and I first got together and he was still dealing with the custody battle, he would at times overshare info to BM and it was so annoying because it was things BM did not need to know, but he was concerned if he did not tell BM it would bite him in the ass in court. So at the end of the day I understood that and he does not overshare with BM anymore so I am thankful for that.

I would be really irritated if my DH continued to overshare after the fact and especially now that we are married. Our personal life is not BM's business.