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Observation on two kids off to college

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For years and years DH has told me I need to parent more like him. He has given the skids every excuse, does not keep track of what they are doing, was inconsistent on what he said/did, and has not been on top of preparing them for adulthood. He balked at any comment I made that was not all unicorns and rainbows. But he felt his softer approach was what was better and made the kids love him more/want to be here.

I'm supposed to stop reassuring DH

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I really like my therapist. We got off on a tangent and I told a few stories about when we were first dating and married with regards to parenting and the skids, and how DH reacts. She very accurately observed that it seems DH has a lot of anxiety, takes things personally, and wants to off-load his bad feelings on me (like blaming me) but also that he wants me to soothe his anxieties about his kids in general. And that I should stop doing that. He wants someone else to be responsible (including something he's trying to get me to decide for him right now that is almost 100% his call).

Oops, my filter went on the fritz

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[Background: We got a second dog. It wasn't working. I had talked to DH several times about getting the dog assessed for aggression and get it more training. Nothing. Had to tell DH that either he find a new place for the dog or I was taking back to the shelter by X date. DH got BM to take the dog since it had started to bond with YSS. When she said yes, he fell all over himself getting the dog assessed and taking it to extra classes on his time and his dime. So, there's a bit of a bad history when that dog comes up.

For those with bios and skids in college

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DS left clothing behind when he packed for school. And I know the mementos he took and what he left and he left things he doesn’t want to lose. I don’t know for sure that he left clothes at XHs but I know he left mementos and some valuable things there, too. (Update: he did leave a little bit of clothing at XHs house, too.)

OSS left zero clothes here. He also seems to have taken only one or two mementos (but to be fair he’s less of a memento kind of kid).

Old habits don't die

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DH has a habit of allowing anything and everything to interrupt he and I in whatever we are talking about or doing. Just when it's me, not when it's anyone else.

It's not that things are getting better but it's just that there have been fewer chances. Tonight OSS called out to DH as he was talking to me. Mid-word, not even mid-sentence, DH stopped talking to me, walked away, and took care of whatever it was OSS wanted. I get that the kid is going off to college, but he's not leaving tonight, and there's no emergency.

What would you do?

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This is small but small things also come around to bite me in the posterior. 

DS left for college recently. DH got him a book and gave him a card as a going away present. 

OSS is leaving for college soon. I can get him something and give him a card but I finally have no idea what to get him. I used to know stuff about him but since I disengaged from the skids and DH, and he hasn’t come to our house this summer expect maybe five times, I have no ideas. 

Spidey senses and automobiles

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We got a car when DS got his license as a car that they all could use (since OSS was just a few months later and DH talked to BM about it being a shared car with the skids since it's in their decree they have to agree on vehicles). Back then, a few months before buying the car, I asked DH about a car in BMs driveway (I was in our car when we dropped skids off after some trip). He and the skids said it was BMs for winter driving to far away work functions. She had an SUV but wanted to drive a smaller car during the winter? That didn't make sense.

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