I'm a slow learner. I've finally been able to do what she's been trying to explain to me for months. (Not take DHs emotions/accusations onto me, to have firm, firm, firm boundaries.) And now DH is freaking out (see previous posts). This session I came in with a list of all that's happened since my last session with her because there's no way I'd remember it all. I read her off the list and told her it was her choice which one to address.
That's how it seems to me now that I'm not engaging with DH when he tries to bait me into a fight or that I feel/think something with malicious intent. He's written two letters now, the one to my therapist that he did not deliver and the one that summarized his talk with his therapist (DH said the therapist said he should tell me how he feels). It seems to me like if he cannot interactively pass off his feelings to me, that he's doing so literally (like literally literally--hard copy literature).
DH had his first therapy session earlier this week. I have not asked about it since that's his personal business. He was sitting by the back door this morning as I'm getting my butt in gear for an early, important meeting. It's bitter cold here. I ask if he's waiting for his car to warm up. He tells me he's composing himself. Okay.
Not sure if it will be a break-through, break-up, or break-down.
DH is beside himself with sadness and frustration. He's still upset about the goodnight/good morning stuff, which I have said here and there, but it seems really just a starting spot for arguing. I have not been mean or sarcastic, I have been friendly but my guard is up and I'm not touching sensitive topics (who knew that discussing politics would be the least volitale topic). We've even gone out to dinner.
DH is upset with me because I didn't respond to his text messages. He was gone on a business trip and sent me five messages, each one was just a piece of information (like "the plane is almost empty"). I did read them, I didn't think they needed a response. It has been a super busy week. I was getting so ahead and behind myself that I walked away with someone else's grocery cart and didn't realize it until I was six aisles away. Okay. I apologized. He said it again. I apologized again. I didn't get upset nor did I fall all over myself to effusively apologize.
This morning in conversation with DH it was pertinent to bring up again how he assumes I have a hidden agenda/bad intentions behind what I say. He denied it (duh). Not two minutes later I started a sentence with "It's okay to be sad..." but didn't get to finish it because DH finished it for me with a phrase that very obviously was a bad spin, showed that he was making assumptions about what I am thinking, and that he assumes I'm thinking the worst.
DH: [slight look on his face that may mean he recognizes what he just did]
Me: Thank you. I'm happy you said that.
DH is upset with me. He does not like that I have been mostly non-communicative this past week. I've been quiet because I'm still thinking. Last weekend he accused me of having a hidden agenda behind setting up DS with his own Netflix account and paying out of his bank accounts. My agenda is to help DS start building some credit. That's what I said when I wrote it on our board. My hidden agenda per DH was to boot the skids off the account once I got DS on his own. Truthfully it never crossed my mind.
A few months ago I posted about the trouble my DS was having at his college (freshman year, hard-partying roommates, difficulty finding like-minded people).
Exjuliemccoy used the acronym DARVO in a post a few days ago. I had never heard of that so I looked it up and found a couple of old posts on this site. What an eye opener. This is almost every conversation with my DH, especially if it's a comment that references him or the skids, no matter how mild. Seriously. I can diagram our conversations (arguments) using that acronym. So many times I've had to defend myself, try to get us to stick to the topic, and end up with him offended/hurt and me wondering what the hell just happened.
If you'll remember a few episodes ago DH pretended he didn't know who had left out dirty dishes and included me as a suspect. (https://www.steptalk.org/blog/itb2012/revisionist-does-it-things-small-a...)