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Update-Elder Care and Family Problems

iamlosingit's picture

So yesterday I called my aunt and talked to her to see if I was missing something about this fiasco. This is what I heard. The aunt that has a health problem that she is keeping under wraps is telling everyone that this will probably be the "last holiday" we will all have together as a family. My grandfather was just diagnosed with dementia and has been falling down a lot and forgetting where he is, pretty sure aunt has a brain tumor and is hiding her prognosis with family, so this aunt is panicking and doomsdaying turning this holiday into a massive cluster-FK to force everyone to make the 4 hour round-trip drive for Thanksgiving. Our family lives a lot closer to my grandma's house where we normally hosted the holiday. Rich aunt with dog wasn't going to make the trip until other aunt called about the "doomsday prophecy". She just called me yesterday night and said that now they are taking two cars and will be bringing mom and brother up, dog and her husband will go separate car, and my other cousin's husband will drive the grandparents up with them.
I thought everything was good.
Just read an email from my grandma sent around midnight stating that cousin's husband has to work the Friday after Thanksgiving and can not take them. (once again, family assumes another family member can do something without being asked).
Last night also we got a call from DH mom stating that her liver is acting up again and her lymph-nodes are swollen and she is now going to the hospital today to get a biopsy.
So now what's happening is rich aunt is driving her daughter up since daughters husband isn't going (she has a mental disability, no license)and is also bringing the grandparents.
Aunt's husband is driving separate with the stupid dog.
We are now back at square one except now my grandma is BEGGING me to come to her house for thanksgiving for my mom and brother. She even went as far as saying I could invite my father (moms ex husband) over too. Funny thing is even though I've been telling EVERYONE we want a holiday with DH family, the email did NOT extend that invite to DH mom. It's like they are SO focused on their "perfect holiday" they aren't even listening to what I've been telling them.
I'm ready to just scream.
And what's even WORSE is nobody even asked if we have ss this holiday. If we had SS, the 4 hour trip wouldn't even be a possibility because we only have ss 8hrs e/o Thanksgiving. Obviously we aren't going to spend half the visitation day driving, so we wouldn't be going ANYWAY.
Oh lord this is getting nuts. My brother literally JUST texted me and said grandma is now begging my father to drive to her house and watch them. My parent's have been divorced for 10 years.
Here we go again.
One other thing I want to add is if they are all thinking this is going to be the "last family Thanksgiving" why would they go out of their way to not include my mom and brother in the car-pooling? That is just straight up mean and rude.
I'm ready to send out a mass email stating "Due to not getting advanced notice for your plans for OUR Thanksgiving, DH and I are NOT going to this family's Christmas and will NOT be driving anyone ANYWHERE."


notarelative's picture

Just as cousin's husband has to work and cannot take them, you have previous unbreakable plans and cannot take them.

Do not call them again. They need to figure out the logistics themselves. Calling them only reinforces the idea that you will jump in and solve the problem.

Either ignore the email or answer that you have previous plans and they have already been informed of them. Do not make any suggestions as to how they can fix their problems. Do not discuss it with them or it will become your problem.

DH's mom needs consideration too. She deserves the day she was promised. She is dealing with a lot and your presence would be comforting. She does need to be dragged into your family's drama.

iamlosingit's picture

I 100% agree with all of this. However this is going to be my grandmas argument: there was one year where DH family wasn't doing anything for Easter and his mom had nowhere to go but wanted to celebrate. She didn't let us know she was interested in celebrating and called us last minute to see what we were up to Easter morning. We were supposed to go to my grandmas (this was before my mom and brother moved in) so I called my grandma and asked if DH mom could join us. She said yes with no hesitation. Grandma probably thinks that it is no big deal to include my mom and brother in our "celebration". I'm not agreeing with her, I just know how her mind works (sometimes). If I say that she's sick, her response will be "your mom and your brother are sick too". I can't win with this family without being made to look like an a$$hole. After this crap honestly I'm starting not to care what they think. I have more then just my mom's side to think about now. It's only fair.

Acratopotes's picture

Don't send any email out...

you already told people you will not be able to make it, it's done and dusted and the rest is none of your concerns. If any one calls or text you again with instructions of how you should celebrate you TG, send them the following message, Sorry as I already informed ya all I will not be attending this year.. smiley face

do not let these people bully you into joining them cause that's what they are trying.

ESMOD's picture

The only people that I would call would be the grandparents. I would remind them that the reason why you are not going to cousin's affair is because you are going to be out of town.

They are the main obstacles that are preventing you from putting your mother in an assisted care situation... so they should bear the full brunt of that decision which is that if there is not an available caregiver for their daughter... they will have to pass on their own "fun" plans.

Note, I'm not saying that it wouldn't be a kindness for you to give them a break occasionally, but in this case, you already have other concrete plans, so they will have to either give up the cousin party or deal with the fallout if their daughter goes off the rails.

That being said, it sounds like the SON is there and the only issue he has right now is that he can't drive. Why can't the grandparents ensure that there are fixings for Brother and Mother to have their own, albeit small, celebration.

hereiam's picture

Again, I can't believe your grandmother is okay with leaving your mother and brother out of the family Thanksgiving.

I would leave them to figure it out. If she is so concerned, she would be begging someone to give your mother and brother a ride, instead of leaving them behind and begging you or someone else to go over and watch them.

You and DH already had other plans, your family has no right to beg you to do anything regarding THEIR plans.

Easier said than done, though. They are counting on that, you feeling guilty, but this is not your mess to fix. And they are being mean and rude.