Advice on dealing with a little close to BM's family over the holidays
I love my SO and his six year old daughter, but sometimes I feel that he is just a little too close for comfort to the birth mom's family (they were never married..she got pregnant after they were only dating a few months and they stayed together until the daughter was two years old).
Anyway, they supposedly have an agreement that they get their daughter every other Thanksgiving. This past Thanksgiving was supposed to be hers so I expected that we have his daughter the whole Thanksgiving week up until Thanksgiving Day and then get her back on Black Friday or Saturday. Not a big deal, in my opinion..it is her year to have Thanksgiving with her daughter.
So the week before Thanksgiving she texts him and invites him and I to Thanksgiving at her new husband's family's house. I immediately told him that it made me uncomfortable and it seemed weird to go to her husband's family's house for Thanksgiving, regardless of if we were invited or not. And to be honest, it kind of annoyed me that BM even invited us..just enjoy Thanksgiving with your family, you know? She put me in an awkward position. He was pretty bummed out by this and made me feel really guilty by telling me that it kills him to miss a holiday with his daughter and he can't live with the fact that I want him to turn down an opportunity to spend it with her. He says that he would feel uncomfortable too, but he just wants to spend the holiday with his daughter. So, of course, it makes me feel like a child hater and like an evil witch because I'm basically keeping him away from his flesh and blood on a holiday.
Was I in the wrong there? It ended up working out because she decided to let him have her on Thanksgiving. However, next year, Thanksgiving will be hers and I know this will come up again..she'll invite us over because she wants everyone to feel included. Which I get, but damn..
She also has been texting him over the holidays and wanting us to spend the night next Christmas at her and her husband's house so we can all be together on Christmas Day. I'm not comfortable with it. SO and I didn't really discuss it because it won't be happening until next year. But at the moment, I'm really not wanting to do it. I'm fine with waking up early and going over to her house..but spending the night feels super weird. He's told me before that he's ready for her to move on with her family and he wants to move on with his family, but situations like this make me doubt how much he means that. Ideally, he wants to spend every single day with his daughter so any opportunity he gets to see her when her mom is supposed to have her, he jumps on. However, when it is his day to see her...all of sudden he's all "she needs to move on.." Feels hypocritical to me...like its okay for him to impose on her stuff and but not okay for her to impose on his stuff.
How do you guys deal with the holiday stuff, especially when your SO or DH has a good relationship still with the BM? Any advice is appreciated..this is stressing me out.
When two people have a child
When two people have a child and are no longer together, time and holidays with the child are going to be missed. If they were both single and wanted to spend holidays pretending to be a family, that would be their choice, but they are not single and need to take that into consideration.
This looks like some
This looks like some high-level, but undercover, passive aggressive manipulation to me. BM is either very clever or very dim.
And I think hereiam is touching on the key point - being single. BM is not, but your SO technically is. Perhaps she is looking to ice you out? Then she can have the best of both worlds - her current DH and her ex all rolled up under her roof. Her invite, which includes you, really isn't a true invite for YOU. Here's why.
Who in their right mind would want to spend the holidays like this ... pretending to be one happy little family with your SO's ex?
No one, that's who. She knows she's creating conflict in your relationship and is probably hoping it will split you and SO up. After all, what parent is going to want to continue to have to "choose" between precious moments with their child ... and a girl/boyfriend? And adding in an overnight is just plain nuts! Either BM is certifiably crazy or she is a master manipulator.
I hate to break it to you, but BM's silent but swift poisoned arrows have already hit their mark. Your SO has said he is bummed, and upset that YOU are the reason he can't spend time with his child at BM's house. BM is secretly gleeful that she not only has a DH of her own, but is adding her ex to her list of male puppets available at her whim.
I have heard of cases where ex's all get along well - but it's usually after many, many years/decades of reaching acceptable levels of compromise. And I have rarely heard of cases where they would all be willing to spend the night at each other's houses. Maybe it's happening and I don't know about it.
But IMO, I still think you are being manipulated out the picture.
Not only does he not see
Not only does he not see anything wrong with it, he actually prefers it. I have talked to him about how I feel when the Thanksgiving crap came up and he listens, but he just says that this is the way it is and how he's able to keep 'things out of court.' And anything in the future (like when/if we have kids together), he says that there isn't a point in arguing over that since it hasn't happened yet.
Even when the Christmas slumber party was brought up, I sat there and watched him text her that "we need to check with A and B (myself and her husband) first. I'm fine with it, but I want to make sure they are." I appreciate that he wants to check with me, but I feel like I'm going to the mean one yet again, when BM, him and BM's lazy, stupid husband are fine with it and I'm the only one who isn't. It's the fact that he's totally okay with sleeping over at her house that really bugs me. And the fact that I have to tell him not to..I know that he'll do what I say, but he'll also vent to BM and then I'm just another one of his girlfriends that has a problem with her.
Maybe we just need counseling.
Yeah, you've got a problem.
Yeah, you've got a problem. And the fact that he doesn't want to discuss any resolution for the future is a big.red.flag.
And the "this is how I keep it out of court" is just an excuse.
I actually brought that up -
I actually brought that up - what happens if/when we have our own child? And he said 'lets not argue about something that hasn't happened yet..we'll get to it when that time comes.' So..
They do not have a court ordered custody agreement..everything is kept out of court. I personally think he has it really good...he doesn't go more than two days without seeing her and over Thanksgiving break, he would of had her the whole week leading up to Thanksgiving and then immediately after. But, to him, it isn't enough because he still misses out on the actual day...I don't know what to tell him. I guess it makes him feel like less of a father because he can't see his kid on a holiday. I don't know..I'm at a loss on ways to explain it to him without him laying the guilt on me thick.
I'm just the girlfriend at
I'm just the girlfriend at the moment, so I can't push it. But I do know that he prides himself on the fact they 'keep everything out of court.' And he also says that 'no one has as good of a situation as we do.' He's spoken to a lawyer in the past (before me) but he got scared of taking things to court because his lawyer warned him that he could see his daughter less if he got a court order AND have to pay child support. He also gets annoyed when people try to give him advice..he says 'everyone has some friend or friend of friend who did this..but they don't know my situation; I could lose everything if I took this to court.'
So I'm at a lose - lose - lose with him. But thank you for the advice. I agree with you, if that helps
I have not been in this
I have not been in this situation - skids are 18 and 22. However, I would not be going to any dinner that BM is attending. And DH would never ask or have any desire to attend either.
If it is so important to him
If it is so important to him to spend every day and every holiday with his child, he should have stayed with her mom. They chose to split up, this is the consequence. You're not a child hater, you declined an invitation. There is no way I would be spending the night in my DH's ex's house Ever. That is weird. If he wants to throw a guilt trip, tell him to suck it up or get back together with his ex, but you're not participating in the crazy.
However, I would tell you to seriously rethink the relationship. You aren't married so that's the best time to get out when these guys aren't really over their past and aren't ready to move on themselves. And he isn't, no matter what he says.
Your boyfriends situation is
Your boyfriends situation is so typical and he is lying to himself that he has it good. He has it good as long he tapdances to bm's tune. It is very typical for a father to go with what bm wants "for the sake of the kid".
You will be viewed as the child hater who hates his kid because you want personal boundaries. I actually put up with that crap at the beginning of my relationship with dh, until I didn't. It was when I got some self respect that I realized that my dh's ex had no place in my life p.e.r.i.o.d.
About nearly a decade later and a couple of kids later, he knows how I feel about his ex. I have told him that if he is her friend in any way, then he is not my husband. She was very offended, and so decided to pas the kids. It is completely her decision to not let the skids have a relationship with their dad.
You need to tell him flat out that you want to have a relationship with him and have his kid in your life, but you have too much self respect to let another woman dictate one thing in your life.
If he is not commuted to building a relationship with you, then you really need to end it now and find a guy who is not his exwife bitch just because he is afraid of her wrath.
If your husband wanted to
If your husband wanted to spend every holiday with his daughter then he shouldn't have separated from his ex. HE needs to move on.
And HELL NO to staying overnight at BM's. Ish!!! Just ISH!!!
What about you? Do you have
What about you? Do you have family or friends that you want to spend the holidays with? Don't get caught in the trap of acquiescing your plans and needs for the sake of his child. Perhaps SO and BM should get back together if they can't bear to be apart at the holidays or maybe he and BM's hubby can be "Brother Husbands." If the situation makes you uncomfortable don't participate.
Well thank god you're only
Well thank god you're only his girlfriend! No way in heck is date a man that was still that attached to his "ex". Me and my dh went through something similar in the beginning of our relationship. I gave him a choice: her or me. He chose me. But I do want to warn you that dating a man who is still emotionally connected like that to his ex and hasn't realized that divorce means missing out on children's holidays is rough and will age you quickly. I fought the good fight and I "won". But I've aged and health has deteriorated. In hind sight it sooo wasn't worth it.
"If you want a future with
"If you want a future with me, we have to talk about (insert topic here). Not because I want to fight about it, but because that's what adults do who want to not fight in the future."
If he won't talk to you about "what ifs" in the future, he doesn't care about a future with you.