Just when I think I have my stress under control....
It's been awhile since my last post.
DH loaded up ss and we drove downtown to pick up my brother from the hospital. To summarize his 3 day visit:
said he had no money
they released him without any medications, had to buy him pepto for his acid reflux when I only had $19 left in my account
He stayed up all hours of the night, was bummed that dh and I couldn't take any time off to "hang out with him"
Received a frantic call form grandmother about our mom so he called me at work to see if I would leave to bring him back to grandparent's. I said no, he called a friend and got a ride.
I returned home to half-full glasses all over the house, my snacks for my lunches almost gone, and a stolen bottle of alcohol.
Found out from our dad that brother was given $100 three days before we picked him up...yet he said he had no money.
Needless to say, brother will not EVER be living with us or invited into our home again. He burned his own bridge.
As if that wasn't enough, now my grandmother is emailing me and calling non-stop. My mom is being sent to a treatment center 5 hours away. Brother hasn't stopped drinking since he got back to their house. Now grandmother wants me to call my father so he can "do something" about my brother. My dad has tried talking to him...but has stated "he's 23...he's a legal adult. He can either listen to me or not, I've already talked to him once wtf do you want me to do about it? We can't make him do anything".
My cousin has called me and said this is too much for my grandparent's to handle and the entire family is trying to force me to take over power of attorney for my mom. I said no, now everyone is mad at me.
Dh doesn't have the money to pay the IRS this month. He just paid his 2014 taxes, not only did they send him a leter refusing to waive the $200+ in late fee's (they are demanding payment by the 27th) but he also owes another $600 by the 18th (extension given due to massive snowfall here over the weekend) He was going to put it on the credit card. He just called me at 7a.m. this morning. Remember how I bought him brakes for christmas? He never put them in because we don't have a garage to do the repairs even though he had friends willing to install them. His brakes just went out on his truck. It's a visitation day (school was cancelled) and now all heck has broken loose.
It's my birthday next monday. Due to all the B$hyt...I'm not expecting anything. Brakes on DH truck...I called three places, so far looking at $800 to do the front and back. And that depends on if they will let DH bring the brake pads that I bought him to use.
I need a vacation.
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Comments
I was typing way too fast..
I was typing way too fast...sorry for all of the errors.
Darn... that's a mess. But,
Darn... that's a mess. But, at least you learned to not take your brother at face value. Because lookee here... he could have always called a friend when he was discharged... He HAD money but didn't spend it wisely... so poor you. Next time he calls you... the answer needs to be NO... no matter how desperate the situation.
I feel for your grandmother but when she calls you to call your dad.. tell her.. I'm sorry... can't be in the middle. Please call him directly.
Now as far as taking power of atty over your mom. What would exactly happen as a result? I mean, it depends what the powers pertain to (it can vary) but it doesn't necessarily mean you can do anything about any of the chaos going on. Tell your cousin that if she is so concerned then she can step up and do something herself... that you have done all you are capable of doing and you don't have a solution... since she knows so well maybe she should show you how it is done?
Sorry.. but it makes me mad when people have all sorts of advice in these situations but they aren't the one writing the checks or wiping butts.
Cousin (different cousin, not
Cousin (different cousin, not the holiday fiasco one) says its my job because she's my mom. Her type of POA means I have to cash all her checks, be at every dr appointment, sign anything as far as housing, I will be the main contact if she has an "outburst"/gets arrested or in trouble,..I just can't do it. I would lose my job. I can't leave at the drop of a hat every time she has a problem. Not to mention the records I need to keep track of. It's just too much. She needs a home health aide and to be in a facility with memory care.
Can you get her in a facility
Can you get her in a facility? I'm sure her finances would mean you wouldn't be paying anything. I know grandma doesn't want that but maybe an override is in order... buy I don't blame you for not wanting to get wrapped up in it.
I've been calling facilities
I've been calling facilities for over a month now, so far none of them are paid for by the state they all want at least $1500/month. It makes me so sad for the elderly in my state...that is more than our mortgage how on earth are they expected to pay for that? She has a new social worker, we are trying to get her a "caddy waiver" (not sure on spelling) but it is a process. Plus many of these places have a 6 month waiting list or longer its insane. Also one more "fun fact" many of these places also say that a "senior" is 60 years old or older, my mom is only 55. I didn't know about that rule, I thought 55 was the norm. Lost many options due to that as well.
You're getting stronger!
You never should have taken your brother in, but at least he's given you a concrete reason to cut him off. Good. And good job on refusing to take on the care of your mother. It sounds as if she does indeed need to be in full time care, with professional oversight.
Has it occurred to you that you were drawn to your incompetent, incapable spouse and his screwed up family because they are so similar to what you grew up with? It seems you were forced into caregiving from a young age and grew up with a lot of chaos, so this type of dysfunction is well known to you. Part of you is comfortable with it, even seeks it, while your more rational side knows it's not good for you.
I think it's a huge first step for those of us raised in dysfunction to admit that we cannot trust our impulses. Are you ready to do this? As a codependent, I have to work on myself all the time. I know my weakness where others are concerned. I've learned not to make quick decisions, to examine my inclinations critically, and to stand firm when I do make a decision that may not be popular with everyone.
Keep saying no! Keep working on mastering your self-defeating impulses, and insist on taking over all the finances. Achieving a peaceful life is possible, but you have to work hard on yourself and be willing to stand tall and make hard choices.
I have honestly thought of
I have honestly thought of that. It seems that most of his financial disfunctional side wasn't shown until after we were married. His mother was always an issue however it didn't become constant until she realised we live on the bus line now.
He had slight money problems when we were living in the apartment but ever since the house it's a whole different ball game. The month we moved into the home was the first time he didn't have "his portion" for bills, otherwise all utilities (minus his cell phone) and rent for the apartment were split 50/50 no issues. The house gives us until the 16 to pay, the apartment only gave us until the 3rd. This "flexibility" has caused nothing but chaos on his end because he "borrows" from his mortgage money if he falls short. I'll be posting another blog.
Why can't you tell your DH
Why can't you tell your DH that if he doesn't let you be in charge of his finances, he can no longer expect loans from you? He doesn't have his portion of the mortgage, go find a friend's couch to crash on. He doesn't have half of the utilities, find a friend's couch to crash on. He is a grown man. He has obligations. If he can't meet them, he needs to get a second job (or a third job). People who are drowning in debt have to work more to dig themselves out. He needs to work around the clock until he is caught up.
I wasn't going to pay the
I wasn't going to pay the mortgage but with my name on it and my credit finally at a good level I couldn't not pay it. Late fees are outrageous. He had done a transfer to my account on the 9th and his bank withdrew the money but he entered my info in wrong. They pulled the money from his account same-day (he showed me the transaction) but they didn't return the money until the 13. Then we got a horrible snow storm over the weekend. If his bank would have discovered the error sooner we could have fixed it earlier. Yesterday was also a visitation day, god forbid he take any time away from the golden child to swing by the bank.
Funny though...BM got her gd child support over a week ago. Must be nice.