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Is it wrong to want ONE thing with DH that doesn't involve SS?- PT 2

iamlosingit's picture I just found out from my cousin-in-law that my DH basically invited himself/us and his sister's family to the cabin for the fourth of July..... my cousin had nothing to do with it.

I sent Cousin-in-law a message to let him know I bought some games to bring, and he responded "great! Let me know how many people are coming up as soon as possible because I know he (dh) invited his sisters family" 

I asked "what do you mean dh invited...he made it sound like it was your idea"

cousin: "no...I"m not sure how it happened but before I knew it not only were you guys coming up with ss this time...he invited his sister too and said you guys could sleep in your camper and they could have your room".


Cousin said he didn't care, he said he has his/his wife room so it's our problem where everyone else is going to sleep. 

It is a three bedroom ONE bathroom cabin.  Meaning only two rooms available- one double bed and two twin beds.  SIL has up to 5 kids at any given point due to both her and her husband having no bio kids but kids from previous marriages.

  The cabin belongs to my cousin and her husband.  It has been in their family for years.  My cousin is extremely territorial about it because it used to belong to her father's parents.  Everything in this cabin is an antique.  God forbid an old fork/spoon bends in half...she will damn you to the pits of hell. The pipes are old, you can't flush tp down the toilet...  It is fun, dont' get me wrong, but there are unspoken rules.  Dh and I are used to them due to the number of years we have gone so we hardly think about it when we are up there. 

Add on a completely different family and 6 kids between the ages of 10-17 and....yeah...I don't see this going well at all.  There is no way 12 people can comfortably sit in that cabin.

Not to mention the cabin is between two hills on a gravel driveway...our camper is about 20 ft long...I have NO idea where the heck we are going to set it up at in the yard....god forbid we mess up the grass...then there goes the lawn games because the camper will be on the only slightly level area of the yard...and if it rains...we are not getting that camper out of there without messing something up.. oh and hope dh buys fuses so we can run the camper off the battery because there is no way we can hook up to the cabin.  Usually when we go camping we have power and water hook ups.

I either need to stop this stupid "event" from happening...or apologize to my cousin in advance and pray they will still speak to me after this holiday is over...

I am FURIOUS at dh trying to take advantage of my family just because HE dropped the ball and has no money to go camping even if we HAD found a campsite. 

Poor widdow ss can't have a bowing week wiff daaadeeeeee fur daaaadeeeees howiday time.....AAAAARRRGHHHHH.



iamlosingit's picture

I'm going to try like heck... but dh is excited for "ss first boat-ride" "ss first fish" "ss first ____" fml I don't CARE about ss first ANYTHING.  Poor holiday planning by him should not have to involve my family! Oh...and I forgot to mention SIL has a large dog too.  So thats 12 people, 2 dogs, three vehicles, one camper.  Did I mention they have one drive-through driveway?  My cousin honestly doesn't seem to care, he said they can sleep in tents in the yard for all he cares because he has a bed.  The rest is up to them.  I still think this is a bad idea.

ESMOD's picture

it is a bad idea.  Unless you and SS and DH can all fit in that one room and no to his sister's family.. it is not on.  There is no way I would impose on my cousin like that.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Your DH can RENT a boat and take SS fishing.

Frankly, I think he has a lot of nerve inviting extra people without consideration for, well, ANYTHING. The small space, the antiques, the temperamental toilet... You KNOW someone will dump a buttload of TP in their, flush, and make a huge mess. 

Agree with others: Cancel.

twoviewpoints's picture

Put a stop to the invitation. 

Fine if Dh, you and SS go, if cousin really doesn't mind, but absolutely not to the other clan. 

How rude. I'd be livid if my Dh did such a thing. 

You might cancel out all together and just go one weekned when it is just you and Dh. I don't know how old your SS is, but unless he's the best behaved quiet little mouse with manners and very mild mannerisms, I'd not trust him to not flush tp or not break anything purely by accident. 

Buy some sparklers, a bag of buns and hot dogs and tell Dad to camp out in your own backyard with his son. Maybe a afternoon matinee or a trip to the local swimming pool. The 4th of July where I live is always super hot and humid with mosquitoes out in full force. But then my idea of camping is in a hotel, lol. 

iamlosingit's picture

I've been arguing this since end of April.  Dh is so focused on 'ss first boat ride, ss first fish, ss first ____' he isn't listening to me. Cousin swears he doesn't care where anybody sleeps, he said they can pitch tents in the yard for all he cares but I still think it's a bad idea.

SteppedOut's picture

I would cancel it. Honestly, how dare he. You are going to be stressed out and have a horrible time. Not to mention, your cousin is going to end up pissed off; you already know something bad WILL happen. 

Your husband's lack of planning should not jeopardize the relationship you have with your family. 

Steppedonnomore's picture

I would cancel as well and I'd tell DH that SS's first boat ride, fish, etc. will just have to wait until cousin extends an invite and at that time it will be JUST your family.



SteppedOut's picture

Or better yet, it should have NOTHING to do with her cousin. All those 1st things should happen for SS when dad gets off his dragass and plans it, not when he tries to take advantage of OP's family. 

I love dogs's picture

Does your SS even WANT those "firsts"? If I remember correctly, SS is very needy and is always "bored" if not constantly entertained and isn't even very interested in the outdoors. Isn't that why you were trying to go without SS on this trip in the first place? I'm sorry if I have you confused with someone else.

iamlosingit's picture

Yep its true.  And that is the exact reason why ss has never been brought up to the cabin before.  No idea if ss would want those "firsts" honestly.  Boat ride maybe, but everything else I doubt it.  Given he doesn't even know how to ride a bike or have any interest in it...not a very "outdoorsey kid" is an understatement.  There will be possibly ONE kid going who is close to his age.

I love dogs's picture

If you read my most recent blog, SD just went back to BM's to hangout with GBM and the toddler she hates because I am using MY laptop that she usually commandeers so she is all pouty and "bored" here even though she has a perfectly good cell phone and didn't bring the tablet or mini laptop that DH and I bought her as gifts. THEN she expects me to pick her up in 3 hours to take her and her friend somewhere without even asking me! I said hell no and she can talk to DH when he gets off of work. My SD is 12.

DaizyDuke's picture

EWWWW this sounds like the makings of a horror movie!  6 kids with NO internet.... "I'm bored!  Is there a McDonalds around here? Bobby farted on me! I;m bored! Julie touched me ! What's to eat?  What's to drink?  I'm bored!" .....crammed in a cabin with 6 adults??

Jesus, Mary and Joseph woman you need to put a stop to this trip, or YOU need to stay home by yourself and enjoy the peace and quiet! 

iamlosingit's picture

don't forget no TV either, even if dh brings ss flatscreen with (again, I bet he will) there is no cable.  There is no way my cousin would let me send all of them up to the cabin and not go with lol.  I couldn't do that to them lol

DaizyDuke's picture

So he'd be bringing the flat screen... for what?  Video games?  WTF is the point of a camping trip if he's going to do that??  I am so sorry girl.. I would be embarassed AF to show up with that group that your DH took it upon himself to invite.  Who even does that?


iamlosingit's picture games.  Why? Because ss gets "bored".  I bet my favorite bottle of wine that some type of gaming system will be brought with if the tv is not.

SteppedOut's picture

ROFL, my formerSO would bring a flat screen with TO A HOTEL when we took trips because the one the hotel provided wasnt "big enough" for SS. 

iamlosingit's picture just gave me an idea.  If/when this stupid holiday trip happens...I am going to document EVERYTHING.  I am not helping dh plan...I will leave all the packing up to him.  Since I usually do it all alone when we go camping, since he "planned" this himself, he can be in charge of it all.  Omg this is going to be a 3 ring $hyt-show. As long as he doesn't tick off my cousin we might get by...and I will have a hilarious story for Step-Talk bwa-ha-ha

DaizyDuke's picture

I hope you're not wasting any vacation days on this either!  UGH!  I don't understand why your DH is trying to fit a square peg into a round hole?  If your SS has been used to having electronics jammed in his face all his life and does not enjoy being outdoors, why push it at this age????  Sorry, but that ship has sailed. 

Do you think he invited your SIL so that there would be other kids there to "entertain" SS? 

HowLongIsForever's picture

Oh boy.  The discovery of how this trip was arranged would make me call it off.  That exchange with your cousin brought up some second-hand embarrassment and some stabby feelings for me.

Who does that?  

Your cousin is very gracious but I suspect only to a point.  That cousin felt the need to mention it was DHs decision to invite the tribe tells me cousin isn't as cool with it as he's playing at this point.

This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.  I might remind DH that he will be the one playing shadow to so it's not like he'll be able to enjoy all of SSs unwanted firsts - perhaps he should wait for a better time.  And heck no to SIL simply expecting to bring a dog.  Seriously what is with these people?  

DHs behavior on this one is just. Wow.  He's in the wrong more than once here.  

And no, it's not wrong for the adults in a relationship to have something (multiple somethings) that exist separately from a skid or a bio for that matter.  Based on your DHs handling of this one though, I suspect it'll be a long time before you convince him of that (if ever).

I just can't get over it.  SO would be in some serious pain if he put me in the position your DH has put you in.  I don't envy you at all. 

iamlosingit's picture

I had a very long convo with Cousin-in-law, he swears he doesn't care if they come as long as SIL/we figure out the sleeping arangements and bring our own food (we usually do).  Not sure if he knows about the dog.  We usually bring my small dog, but this is a lab-sized dog.  The older kids I know will be bored, but they respect others property.  The one that is close to ss age is whiney.  Ss is whiney.  Maybe they can "whine" themselves into a coma. 

I think the most people they have had at the cabin is 6 total, not 6 additional.  Cousin swears its okay.  I must have asked a bunch of times since I heard about the "plan". He just said they have to bring their own food and nobody is sleeping in his/his wifes room. I don't know what else to do.  Hoping SIL will cancel.

DaizyDuke's picture

Can you ask your cousin to say it's NOT ok??  lol  Tell your DH that there is a sudden plumbing problem, increase in bear activity, Blair Witch sighting.. ANYTHING?!

HowLongIsForever's picture

I certainly hope cousin is good with it.  Maybe I'm just reading into things because I'm surprised by it all.  

I would make cousin aware of the dog before it just shows up, though.  I love my dogs.  I'm pretty sure my dogs are well behaved.  I don't expect anyone else to want to enjoy them.  I don't consider them included in any invite unless specifically named. I know not everyone sees it the same but I would never presume to bring my large breed dog anywhere.

If straight up rescinding the invite isn't something you feel you guys can do then I'd just start laying out the ground rules, mitigate as much as you can.  Make sure they know what they need to bring, what will and won't be available, what they'll have to arrange for their dog, their kids, etc. 

Do they understand the amenities they're about to walk in to? Or what the tone of the trip is expected to be? As in not drunken nights around the bonfire til 3am or all day burning gas in the boat to entertain the kids (unless of course those ARE your plans lol) 

At the very least I would say you guys should cover all of the food for the entire trip (divide that up between you guys & SIL however you want) as a thanks to the cousin since there are no camping fees with this arrangement and the extra bodies are an imposition.

I don't know, it's a tough spot to be in.  I think I'd be so angry I would have no trouble being the b!+ch.  No matter what you guys end up doing I'd be sure to make it clear to DH never again.  

Fingers crossed things go smoothly and there's no drama.  And that you guys enjoy yourselves :)  

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Your idiot H (seriously, sounds as if he's developmentally challenged) way overstepped by inviting these other people to your cousin's cabin. Where are his manners??? It's now incumbent upon him to fix this. 

You need to tell him NO, and force him to recind the invitation. Everything else is irrelevant. You have a responsibility to NOT screw over your cousin.

hereiam's picture

I've been arguing this since end of April.

Why? It's YOUR cousin. Your husband was very rude to invite himself AND his sister's family to your cousin's cabin. I would be embarrassed to show up and I would tell your husband that none of you are going, you are not going to encroach on your cousin's cabin OR land.

There is just no way I would allow this to happen.

iamlosingit's picture

I've been arguing since the end of April because I know how my cousin is.  She and her husband both swear it is fine and they are looking forward to it, however I know it will be a different story once all of us get up there: don't use that cup, don't wash that plate that way, we only use ___ for ___, don't put the food on that shelf, etc.  She likes things to go a certain way and I worry how everyone will get along.  All of us have spent time together before with no issues, but have never done a "weekend getaway" type of thing before.  Dh and I are used to her "oddities", others might find her behaviour "controlling". 

notasm3's picture

Am I reading this correctly - you have been talking to your cousin's husband not your cousin?  Because I can tell you if I was your cousin I would throw a sh*t fit in front of God and everyone if you showed up with that many people and a big dog.   

Maybe she's not comfortable saying too much now - but believe me she is going to hate your guts for a long time if you pull this crap on her.

iamlosingit's picture

She is fine with it.  Her husband is the one that does all the driving/repairs/knows what is currently working or not at the cabin, etc, so he would know if "hey I'm repairing the plumbing this isn't such a good idea" or "we are putting the docks in that weekend" etc.  She is more "day of" coordinator than the long run stuff if that makes sense.  She already told them (SIL family) about the plumbing, they said "ok", and she said "to keep her posted on the final count" but she doesn't seem annoyed by any of it.  I'm the paranoid one because I know how she is about certain things up there, and I wonder if others will understand her "quirks".

ESMOD's picture

Ok.. this is going to take some chutzpah... but here is my solution for you.


Get sick.  Don't go.  When they vacate.. pull out your secret stash of wine and hole up with a pizza and box of chocolates.  Revel in a house devoid of step or responsibility.

Yeah.. your DH will go out on his vacay with his kid.  but you can avoid the trainwreck.


StepMamaBear6's picture

You keep saying your husband won’t hear you bc he is so excited about SS’s firsts. Just flat out say, “Your sister an her family are not welcome for this trip. It is too many people. Please let her down gently. I’m serious. It will not work and is too cramped and crazy. You tell her she can’t come or I will.”

elkclan's picture

personally I thin the ss is the least of the problems here - it's the giant descending of of his sister's family. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You have a responsibility to not screw over your cousin!

Of course he's saying "It's fine it's fine" because your H has put him and his wife in an awkward position. Nobody wants to be thought inhospitable, and they may not have as clear an understanding of just how very awful the holiday will be as you do.

Why are you allowing this? Why aren't you saying NO?? Quit being a doormat!

iamlosingit's picture

I don't know how many times I have to say this: They don't care.

They would have NO issues saying anything if they didn't want them up there.  They would not hesitate to speak up. I know my family.  My cousin can't have children. They have friends with kids up there all the time. They just had two couples and four kids under the age of 11 up there over Memorial Day.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Then what is your true complaint? That your H invited other people? That he did it without consulting you first?That your SS will be there?? You were angry/frustrated enough to create a post about this, but perhaps I misunderstood what was upsetting you. Can you clarify?

iamlosingit's picture


Complaint is they truly don't care....but I know my cousin and I'm worried all her "quirks" are going to make everything miserable. "don't use that cup, don't park there, don't etc".  She kind of "assumes" everyone knows the rules without really explaining them if that makes sense.  Just found out that it is only SIL, her husband, her possibly ONE of his kids ss age if the BM agrees. Older kids not interested, SIL bio daughter has visitation with her dad, someone watching the dog.  So not the HUGE group I was thinking..if no other kids are going ss is going to be bored to tears but this might work out.  Might.

secret's picture

"Honey, I feel very disrespected by you having taken over our holiday by inviting your sister to my family's cottage without asking. I'm not comfortable with everyone being there at the same time with the lack of space and all the antiques in there... I'd really rather this be an US vacation, like it was supposed to be... and I'm sure my cousin would feel a lot better knowing the cabin won't be full of rowdy kids."