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Update to Boyfriend of 4 years cheated on me with Ex

HopelesslyOptimistic's picture

First, I want to thank everyone who took the time to respond to my blog a week or so ago, regarding my BF cheating on me with his ex 6 mos ago, and wondering how I'm supposed to cope with this. You all were very kind and thoughtful in your posts and I've read and considered everything.

For those that did read my previous blog entry, new drama entered the picture this week. I am going to come clean and tell you (as someone did ask me) No, they are not divorced. It was embarassing for me to state that, but I have to be honest, if I want honest feedback, so there it is. As I mentioned in my previous blog regarding my BF's ex, she has begun to start her antics with me again. 3 days ago, while my Bf was preparing to take the girls home to their mom's before he went to work, the youngest asks me if she can have some of my "special bread" to take home with her. (we have had issues in the past with me sending my "baked goods" up to "her" house, as I think she takes offense to it, and she hates the fact her kids love my cooking/baking, tho I do only do it at the kids request. She even went so far as to ask the kids once if "she needed to check it for razor blades"! Please!! Anyway, I sent home some bread with the girls and approximately 10 mins after my BF left for work, I get a phone call from him telling me that his daughter called to tell him her mother was on the way down to our house to "smush bread on the door". He had called me to tell me to make sure I locked the door as she wouldn't hesitate to just come walking in, as she is that arrogant and has done so in the past. I quickly locked the front door and waited for it, thinking to myself, "how many times am I going to have to go through this with my heart pounding and my stomach lurching just waiting to see what she's going to try to do to me this time." (while my not quite 3 yr old slept soundly upstairs) It was only a matter of minutes before i heard her car in the driveway and she came walking up to the front door. Of course, first thing I hear is her trying to turn the door knob back and forth attempting to just come in the house... didn't knock, didn't throw bread at the door, TRIED TO OPEN THE DOOR!!! WHO THE HELL DOES SHE THINK SHE IS??!!! Anyway, when she realized the door was locked, she threw the bread and rubbed it in all over the door, turned around and got in her car. I heard her car pull out of the driveway, and 10 seconds later, she's pulling back in. i knew that wasn't the end of it when she left the first time. When her rage starts to build and she starts getting violent or destructive it's like she can't stop until she gets it out somehow. So, she comes walking up again and starts pounding on the door with both fists. I wouldn't answer. i wasn't going to be so stupid as to engage in, or provoke more out of her. So, I just sat here silently waiting to see what else she would do. The pounding and yelling of "open the f*ing door" continued for about 30 seconds when she finally left. Frankly, I believe she only left because she knew she was in a precarious position being that it was 7:30 in the morning and people were all out and about in our neighborhood getting ready to leave for work. Anyway, I finally managed to calm down a bit, called my BF and ranted and raved that I was sick of dealing with her crap and if I EVER caught him doing anything for her ever again, his ass was mine!! I also told him I was calling the police because I was tired of sitting back letting her victimize me and not doing anything about it (in the past he always ended up convincing me that doing something about it was just going to make it worse and provoke her, so I would end up caving and not call the police). Not this time. He was totally fine with me calling the police, adn meanwhile was dealing with her calling his cell and leaving a string of nasty vm's of how rotten a father he is, and that he's choosing me over his son (the one that can't seem to respect me in the slightest in my own house) blah blah blah. The officer came and took my report. He was very nice and helpful and made the recommendation that 1) my bf finally do something about the damn divorce and 2) we go down to family court to request a restraining order. Evidently, being this last offense wasn't criminal, it was going to be easier for my bf to go to family court and get a restraining order on the house to cover me and my daughter, than for me to wait for her to do something worse. This past summer she assaulted me in my driveway as I came home from a walk with my daughter. If my bf hadn't been looking out the kitchen window she probably would've beaten the crap out of me as my daughter stood there screaming at 2 yrs old. Later that summer, both my bf and I were not home and she opted to take our spare key and let herself into my house, COOK LUNCH IN MY KITCHEN, and BATHE MY CAT!! As I found out while talking to the officer this time, she could have been arrested for that (I wasn't sure at the time because she brought their 2 daughters with her, likely thinking it would legally give her a right to enter the house) Anyway, I'm at my wits end. Now we have to go through all the rigamarole of getting a restraining order, my BF taking time off work to do it, and putting together a list of all the things she's done and couple it with the police reports we do have. It's really taking a toll on our relationship. He's fed up with it too, but he's at his limit with everything. The problems with his one son that can't be decent to me, tells me I mooch off his father and never do anything! Yet, after my bf's initial yelling at the kid, he sweeps it under the rug like nothing ever happened and gets mad at me when I voice my objection at allowing the child back in here without some sort of repercussion for disrespecting me. I just don't know what to do anymore. The same son, on the same day as the above incident with the bread, had to be picked up at the police station by my bf for breaking and entering 2 different buildings on 2 different days along with some of his friends. I know boys will be boys, but there are some serious issues going on and my bf always maintains that they're fine. They don't need counseling etc. I don't know how to convince him. If anyone has any suggestions on how to cope with this, and not let it kill our relationship, I would welcome your input. Thank you!!

Comments

folkmom's picture

ok. so first question first.

what is BF going to do about the divorce?

HopelesslyOptimistic's picture

Actually, he surprised me today and told me he made an appt for this monday at 4 pm with the atty. He said he finally realizes that though he didn't consider himself married anymore, it's in my best interest as well as his and everyone elses to make the "legal statement" via the divorce that says I'm done with this, and let's move along. I'm very happy to say this is the case.

DISbelief's picture

She bathed your cat? That's just weird.

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ Wink

HopelesslyOptimistic's picture

Elizabeth: I know. It's the same thing the officer told me when I told him that. I'd laugh, but thinking about that just gets my heart palpitating again. You wanna talk about feeling violated? Imagine coming home and realizing she'd been in your house because you saw dishes in teh sink that weren't there when you left, and your cats soaking wet!!

Elizabeth's picture

Are you sure she bathed the cat, or maybe did she try to drown it? Or maybe she hosed it down? I would not be able to ascribe such a good motive to BM that she tried to bathe the cat. I would AUTOMATICALLY think something evil had been afoot. And I would be right. Wink

HopelesslyOptimistic's picture

No. She bathed the cat. Keep in mind in my posting I stated she brought the two girls with her when she did this. I found out that night from the oldest one that they had done that. Again, bringing them with her was her "safeguard". She probably figured if we called the police on her she'd just say she walked down with the girls and they let themselves in because they "live there 50% of the time". Though, as I said, the officer told me that that didn't even matter. In our state, unless you have authorization from one of the "official" residents of the house, you aren't allowed in. So,either my bf or myself would've had to authorize. Doesn't matter if the kids had been with her or not, and I found out I could've had her arrested. Wish I'd known that then. I mean, obviously it was wrong, and I knew there had to be some law against her just letting herself in, but with the kids being there, I thought maybe the law might have viewed it as not exactly illegal, if that makes sense?

Kb3Hooah's picture

Hmmm, maybe the wife washing the cat was some sort of metaphor?

LOL, that is a little strange. Anywho, I don't understand what's taken him so long to divorce BM? Was the pregnancy of your baby a surprise or was it planned?

______________________________________
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SoTired1's picture

SoTired1
Hello, ExandCurrent, I must share with you that I have an acquaintance who carried on an affair with a married man for 9-years and guess what. . . he threw her to the dogs when he had reached his fulfillment level. They shared a residence together, they went on vacations together, they basically did a lot together. He led her to believe for the last couple of years of their relationship that he was going to marry her. Well it all blew up in her face during the holiday season of 09'. He started distancing himself from her (without rhyme or reason) and ultimately she later learned that he'd had a child with another woman (who was not his wife). And, did I say that he'd already fathered a daughter with his wife? I use to always say to my acquaintance to look at this man for who he really is & to ask herself, does she really want to marry a person who is capable of maintaining an affair with her during his marriage to another woman? She would always make up excuses for him & I knew it would just be a matter of time before she would crying to me about the dissolve of her relationship with him. I've shared this with you to say that it doesn't matter how long an individual is involved with a married person. People should steer clear from married individuals and respect the unions of matrimony. This lady who submitted this blog was totally aware that this man was still married & she didn't respect herself enough to not get involved. I actually had forgotten about her saying the wife entered the home & bathed the cat (sounds like a few screws are loose & yet this women still remains in the relationship with this married man). She also does things to provoke the WIFE & then plays the innocent person (victim) role, WOW!!! So my question is, Who IS the actual psychotic person in her story? Things that make me say, hmmm???

HopelesslyOptimistic's picture

SoTired1: "This lady who submitted this blog was totally aware that this man was still married & she didn't respect herself enough to not get involved. I actually had forgotten about her saying the wife entered the home & bathed the cat (sounds like a few screws are loose & yet this women still remains in the relationship with this married man). She also does things to provoke the WIFE & then plays the innocent person (victim) role, WOW!!! So my question is, Who IS the actual psychotic person in her story? Things that make me say, hmmm???"

Let me tell you something, were my choices completely upstanding? Absolutely not. HOWEVER, the fact still remains that I have done nothing but take care of this "woman's" children while she drank herself into stupors in the bar, never cooked or cleaned and didn't even wash their clothes! i have stayed up with these children through flu and colds and coughs and even sat in an Emergency room with one when she had croup. Where was this "mother and wife" then? You want to call "picking up her slack" PROVOKING her? Well, i guess were you in my shoes (which of course you're too righteous to be) you'd just let the poor kids suffer, is that right? I cook, clean, bake and spent HOURS on desigining spiderman cakes and flower cakes and what not for these kids birthdays. what did their "mother" do for them? So when the youngest asks me to take home some "special bread" bet your damn ass I'm going to let her take some when I know the liklihood is there's probably no food in the refrigerator at her "mother's". Clearly, you have some sort of jaded opinion towards women who have shown they're better at the "so-called mother's" job than they are!!

HopelesslyOptimistic's picture

Saying that him sleeping with her encouraged the behavior is an understatement. You're absolutely right. When the day is done he has to look himself in the mirror and take responsibility for how he has brought about this behavior in her. Same thing holds true for the divorce. I know as a woman, obsessed with someone even after they're not together anymore, by not getting a divorce it just plants the seed that there's still hope. And by the way, yes, I am pleased to report that he surprised me tonight by telling me he has an appt with the attorney on Monday at 4! I am quite certain this will only enrage her further. Oh and most importantly, no, I had nothing to do with them splitting up. I never even met up with him again until after he'd been moved out of the house for awhile (I knew him in HS but met up with him again years later) As for the whole cat business, as true as it is, it was her way of being dominate and aggressive. "Look what I can do. I'm going to come in your house, cook in your kitchen and bathe your cat and nothing will happen to me" She is completely narcissistic. She doesn't think anything can happen to her and she's allowed to do whatever she wants. She got in a bar fight with two girls some months ago because she didn't like something one of the girls said to her, then promptly went home and told her son how she "beat the crap out of these two bitches and I really kicked their asses" Yeah, that's a good thing to go home and be proud of.

stepmom008's picture

Are the two of you living in the same house that she used to live in? I'm surprised she didn't piss on the wall to mark her territory! Oh, and why did she know where the spare key was to get in?

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

HopelesslyOptimistic's picture

No. We are not living in the house they used to live in. We have a house together. She knew where the key was because her kids know where the key was. That's probably why she brought them with her... amongst other reasons.

Rainbow.Bright's picture

So beating the crap out of you in front of your child, smashing bread on your door and yelling obscinities in front of your house and probably exposing the kids to all this behavior is fine and dandy... but washing your cat, THAT is over the line in the eyes of the law.

LOL, I'm really sorry, but I can't stop laughing. It's not your situation that kills me I feel for you and I'm sorry about what you are going through. But washing the cat... I can't stop. "Thank you BM for washing the cat, did you use the conditioner? She gets really dry skin so it really helps to massage the conditioner in." BA HAHAHHA. I'm sorry, I'll contribute something more helpful when I grow up and stop laughing.

SoTired1's picture

SoTired1
Not let it kill your relationship??? I don't get it; you don't have a relationship. You're allowing all this drama into your 'single' life because you apparently don't know your worth. I have a question for you, Is your 'now' 3-year-old a child you share with your 'married' BF? Even if she is, you knew what you were getting into before you entered this situation, and not meaning to be rude or hurt your feelings. . . I think you deserve everything that's happening to you. This woman whom happens to be your BF's WIFE is a woman scorned and she's hurt that you're taking up residence with HER husband and father of HER children. You should NEVER bake foods or prepare any meals & then send HER children home to her with foods prepared by you. . .it's just plain rude & thoughtless. As a mother yourself, you should understand this woman's pain. She is not byfar a lunatic, she is simply hurt. Are her actions excusable? No, but neither are yours. If you value yourself as a person, woman, & mother, I suggest you pack your bags and send this MARRIED man home to his wife & children. If you have made the poor decision to have a child with a married man, than that's your stupidity & now you'll be left to raising your bastard child on your own (perhaps, with the aid of child-support). I'm just wondering whatever happened to women banning together to support one another. You are a woman & you submit this lengthy blog as if your hands are clean in this matter, but your hands are not clean.

By the way, if your BF was looking out the window watching you get assaulted by his wife and did nothing to separate the two of you, then you're more of an oxymoron than you already appear. Ma'am, whether you realize it or not this is when you should have called the police and filed charges against her (as well as a restraining order). Your BF's son will never respect you because your BF does not respect you. Ultimately, after your BF is finished using you to the capacity he desires, he'll just get rid of you and return to whom you refer to as his 'arrogant' wife.

It never ceases to amaze me how people are incapable of recognizing their wrongdoing, but can clearly recognize the wrong in others. Leave that married man alone & send him home to his wife. You will never be blessed in this relationship because God says in His word, let no one put asunder for what I have joined together (and that's paraphrased).

Rainbow.Bright's picture

Wow, that was hardcore. Did we need to call her child a bastard?

I suppose God does not recognize divorce either according to your beliefs?

stepmom008's picture

I agree. And why make such a big deal about baked goods? I send things with my SD when we bake things together. She helps to make them so she's allowed to eat them too. BM does the same with sending things to my house. Not a big deal.

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

HopelesslyOptimistic's picture

So, I should send him home to his wife and kids where he can be belittled on a daily basis, made to hide under the bed so he won't get beaten up by her and also MOST IMPORTANTLY expose his children to that kind of environment again as well? Is that your answer? So, that is in God's eyes, way better than the fact that he is now in a relationship where we love each other unconditionally, we support and raise the children with good upstanding beliefs and have "Family night" every wednesday, and the children rarely if EVER see him and i fight? You are correct. How could I be so mistaken! I'll pack now and send him skipping down the road towards her house!!! I'm sure their 3rd oldest child will be in tears before he even gets in teh door as I can't tell you how many times that child has CRIED TO ME that she was so glad her parents split up because all they ever did was fight and scream. Sounds to me like you're a bit on the receiving end of this where you might empathize with her? I had nothing to do with their separation. She caused that ALL on her own...

DISbelief's picture

Maybe she is the wife and she found you on here! We've seen it before around here! Now we can just ASK her why she bathed your cat!!!

Well? Why'd ya do it? Inquiring minds wanna know!! I'm kidding of course... or AM I??? LOL!

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ Wink

leladawn's picture

Oh my goodness, I laughed so hard when I read that! Hahaha I think you may be onto something here..

Ps.. HopeleslyOptomistic, I really feel for you here, I'm sorry you have to go through this crap with the ex (ummm, and with the unecessary judgemental ignorant comments as well)

HopelesslyOptimistic's picture

lol Disbelief. I hesitated when I joined here just for that reason... however, I know she doesn't have internet, so I'm quite certain that's not the case. In any event, my BF informed her today when he dropped off the girls that he has an appt with the divorce atty on Monday. She defensively said "good" however, I know her MO and the you-know-what is certain to hit the fan now that she knows. Also he told her he was going to Family court on Monday, and when she asked why, he replied "numerous reasons". So, I'm sure between being hit with the divorce news, and the family court update, she's sitting there with the rage starting to boil over. I'm just waiting for what else is going ot happen and hoping like hell that the family court will grant us the restraining order. Otherwise, I don't know what will happen...

DISbelief's picture

Totally uncalled for!!! A bastard child?? Really? Come on!

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ Wink

belleboudeuse's picture

"As a mother yourself, you should understand this woman's pain. She is not byfar a lunatic, she is simply hurt."

LOL, I'm sorry, but pounding on someone's door trying to get in, coming in when they are not home and... washing their cat!?!?!?!! and bring over bread to smush on their door is, I think, pretty much THE definition of lunatic behavior. Maybe she is hurt, but wow, there are feelings, and then there is what you do with the feelings. This woman needs help!

My own opinion on what the OP should do aside, your comments are a little skewed here. If the guy had already moved out and not been living with the woman when he met the OP, I think you're kind of stretching it a little to say that she should send him "back" to the wife and children. I'm sorry but the ex-wife and the guy already "put asunder" what God joined together. What he did here was cheat on his girlfriend with his STB ex-wife, not the other way around.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

HopelesslyOptimistic's picture

belleboudeuse: "I'm sorry, but pounding on someone's door trying to get in, coming in when they are not home and... washing their cat!?!?!?!! and bring over bread to smush on their door is, I think, pretty much THE definition of lunatic behavior. "

Thank you! That's exactly what I'm saying, and I really appreciate you sticking up for me.

Amazed's picture

Bastard child???? Wtf???did we just travel back in time or something??? Who calls a child a "bastard child" anymore? Gee,guess I gott tell everyone my little choochoo is a bastard child since I was never married to my ex. Can we please drop the puritan bs and migrate back to 2010?

Anon2009's picture

That's how I feel BBB. Children should not have to endure being called "bastards," "felonies," or anything like that.

HopelesslyOptimistic's picture

Thank you, BBB. I'd like to think in this day and age we can move past "labels" as well. Would I prefer my daughter had been born in "holy matrimony"? Sure. But, seeing as how it didn't happen that way SO TIRED1, I believe God loves her no less than if she had been. She is a beautiful little girl, full of light and laughter and no one, I mean NO ONE is going to label my child and make her feel "LESS IN GOD's EYES" because of a piece of paper!!

lifeisshort's picture

You lied in your first post. You manipulated the truth to get the responses you wanted, and you felt bad for not being truthful so you come back and offer the 'real story' about your part in this mess. Sorry, you don't get a big ol' pat on the back for that. That's not an attribute that I admire in others. I'm sure it speaks to your character IRL too. You paint the picture to make it look like one thing to the outside world. But it's an illusion, to mask what's really there. That's the definition of a lie, dear. It's a trick of the eye, just like a magician. And you think you can just wave your magic wand and make it all go away. You've got to be kidding.

You got involved with a married man. I don't care if he was separated from his wife when you met him - he probably told you what you wanted to hear. You should've had the self-resepct to not get involved. But now here you are. And you blame the wife - I just can't get past this, she's STILL his wife! - for her behavior toward you? When you slept with and had a baby with HER HUSBAND? Yeah, I'd be a little ticked about that too, if I were her.

Sorry, you brought this on yourself. You're getting something out of it. Maybe you want to prove to yourself how powerful and beautiful and desirable you are, that you can take another woman's man away from her, you can even take her children away from her and make them 'love' you more than her... you are provoking her at every turn... you WANT her to lose it because that makes you feel better about yourself and what you've done.

Maybe if you just backed off, gave her some breathing room to be a Mom to her children, let her work it out of her system and come to terms with the death of her marriage, maybe she could heal and move past this part of her life.

Despite what you may think, perspective is everything. And, for all you know (and especially since he slept with her just a few short months ago) Her perspective may be that she still had hope that her marriage could be saved. Maybe her perspective changed to one of hope that it could work out because 1). he hadn't divorced her yet and 2). he came back - while he was still in a relationship with you - to have sex with her. She may have thought there was something still there. So her perspective was different from yours and probably different from the man's. You're not the only one who has to live with this guy's mistakes in judgement. The WIFE is being strung along too. But you don't see it like that because you only choose to see what you want to see. Personally, I think you BOTH should leave this guy high and dry, but that's not going to happen because you still have to prove to yourself that you're the ONE. The one he'll end his marriage over, the one he'll go through hell and high water for. But, truth be told, you both have been duped by this guy.

Stop looking outward and start looking inward. Stop looking at her and him and all the crap that you've gotten yourself involved in, and find your place, your responsibility in it, and OWN it. Only then can you move on and find your true happiness. Even if it isn't with this man. No one else can MAKE you happy or sad or mad. Their actions can make you react happily or sadly or angrily, but only if you ALLOW them to. Only YOU have the power to change that for yourself.

stepmasochist's picture

Very well said.

I wish I could have come up with something similar, but I'm still giggling over cat washing and I'm not sure why, but stepasides question of "was your cat dirty?" cracks me up so bad.

Wicked.Step.Monster's picture

Stepmasochist... I can't get past the cat washing either... lol I wish I could but I just can't. I mean who washes a cat? Really? I have 2 cats that are 10 and 11 years old. They are indoor cats only, never go outside and they have been bathed MAYBE 3 times in their entire lives. Matter of fact, I dare someone to try to wash my cats... they would be eaten alive! LOL

stepmasochist's picture

My cats are 4 years old and I have bathed them once. We live in a very rural area so they're interior/exterior cats and sometimes they're filthy mongrels but I let them do their own cleaning 'cause I like having my skin intact.

Wicked.Step.Monster's picture

StepAside it's not an easy task! Matter of fact, the last 'bath' my cats had was 2.5 years ago when DH and I were sick with a MRSA infection and the dr suggested we have them bathed in a special medicine bath in case they were carrying staph too because they sleep in the bed with us. The vet had to SEDATE them to bathe them! LOL!! Otherwise, my cats CONSTANTLY are cleaning themselves so the vet says there is no need to ever bathe them and hell would freeze over before *I* did it myself!

belleboudeuse's picture

OP, as harsh as this sounds, I do have to say that I pretty much agree. The wife is a nut, that seems clear, and she obviously needs help. However, even so, I think everything lifeisshort is saying is true. I think you really need to think all this through. And personally, I think part of that needs to be to try to figure out why you were so willing to get involved in this mess, and why you are still with this guy even though he cheated on you with his wife. If you have the means, I definitely suggest that you go find a good therapist to help you think through why you make the decisions you do.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

Rojo's picture

SoTired1, my question is if you're quoting scripture about being divorced and how it's an abomination...do you call your step children "bastards"? Or since you stated on your profile that your marriage is over, do you call your own son a bastard child? I have some scripture too - Let he who is without sin cast the first stone - and that's not paraphrasing Wink

HopelesslyOptimistic's picture

Amen!

unhappy2happy's picture

Bastard child are you kidding me???? No child deserves to be defined in those terms.... What church do you go to, as when I do decide to go back I sure don't want to join that one>>> Suffer the little children to come on to me and forbid them not for such is the kingdom of God... And I am not paraphrasing either....

stepmasochist's picture

I don't know. My husband was still married when we met, but he had been seperated from BM since she had given him the boot to move in her new boyfriend a year and a half before we met. So I don't ever consider myself having been "the other woman".

But this does sound more like your friend's situation in which the man is playing both sides. Maybe not to the extreme you've mentioned, but who knows, given time it could become that.

andy_pandy's picture

I gotta admit here, my partner is married, just not to me. He considers the marriage to be over though, he and his wife don't talk at all anymore, they just haven't filed the paperwork. he left after she told him she was gay and couldn't be with a man anymore and then proceeded to publicly flaunt her new BOYfriend in his face.

usade's picture

I'm still married on paper, but the real relationship ended years ago. I'd never have gotten together with a man in my situation, though. Too wishy-washy for me, whereas it was a financial matter keeping me from filing until this year.