Boyfriend of 4 years cheated on me with ex-wife. How do I cope?
I'm wondering if anyone out there has gone through this, or should I say "going" through this as I don't believe you ever really get over it, especially if you make the decision to try to work things out, as I have. This is not due to lack of self-esteem on my part, or any other reason than the sake of our almost 3 year old daughter, and the simple fact that I love him... I apologize in advance for the length, but truly am hoping for some good advice out there on how to cope with this situation. This is the first time I've ever joined any site like this, and I guess that shows how desparate I am at this point to get past my fears. For those of you that read this, thank you.
A little background. My bf and I have been together for almost 4 years. We have a daughter together that I got pregnant with way too soon after we started dating (only 4 mos). She is now almost 3 and I love her more than anything. My bf has 4 children from his FW. They are with us 50% of the time and I love each of them dearly as well. My bf and his ex were together for almost 16 years. We all went to the same school together and come from a fairly small town which we all still live in. I knew both he and his ex and never cared for her even back then. I left our small town for 4 years and lived in another city 1.5 hrs away. I had a great job, and a pretty good life.
When my bf and I first got together, he had only been separated from his FW for about 3 months. She insists to this day that I was the cause of them splitting up, however that is not the truth, tho I don't think anyone will ever be able to convince her of that. Understandable, all my feelings about her aside. Anyway, she hated me and recognized me the first time she saw the two of us together. I had driven down to see him on a wknd and I would park my car in a neutral location, so she wouldn't see it (he was living with his brother, but their houses were very close together and we were trying to avoid any problems). He met me in the prk lot, and we walked to the bar where we were going to meet friends and have a drink. She just happened to be walking down the sidewalk at the time, but a bit of a distance away. That's when all the trouble started. She started calling him repeatedly, leaving vm's on his cell calling me every name in the book and telling him she knew who i was and how could I do this to their family etc. Please let me explain, I'm saying this all very nicely and calmly but you need to understand how his ex is. She is vulgar, and beastly, and loud and obnoxious and a drunk and he is the exact opposite. He says he spent all those years being controlled by her to the point where he actually had to hide under their bed one night because she tried to beat him up in an angry drunken rage. She has no values or morals when it comes to her getting what she wants. In the 4 years that we've been together, she has never been able to accept the fact that we love each other and that we are a family. Even when I was pregnant she would call and tell him sweetly on the phone how she wanted to smooth things over and could she talk to me, I would relent and then the screaming would start. She'd threaten to kill me and beat me up etc. He would grab the phone and tell her to stop calling and grow up. He always defended our relationship and hated her with a passion. Over the years I have developed a very good relationsip with 3 of his 4 children. I love them practically like they were my own. His ex hates that. For the first couple of years she tried to poison the kids against me, telling them lies and saying hurtful things about me. Thankfully, thru my patience and not stooping to her level, the kids have seen thru it and accept it as "just being mom" and love me as they tell me everytime I see them.
Things continued on in this manner and i could tell a million stories, but sufficed to say, she continues to hate me, and instead of trying to accept and move on, she never misses an opportunity to show up on our doorstep, or send my bf food on his bday that she knows he loves and write notes, or buy herself flowers and give them to my bf to give the kids to give to her for mother's day, or her bday. She has no ambition in life but to see me miserable. All of the kids are in school and have been for 3 years now, however, she refuses to get a better daytime job (she conveniently works in a bar cooking) drinks all night, sleeps all day and only as of recently has started to seem like she's beginning to be a mother again, which I am grateful for, for the kids sake. She will never change, and she is, in my opinion, a sorry excuse for a human being. I am full of flaws and make many mistakes and am far from perfect, but I try to be the best example I can for his children and my daughter. I wanted nothing more than to be a family, and tho my bf and I have our ups and downs, and he's still trying to get over the many years he tolerated her behavior, I end up on the brunt of it quite often. He has no patience anymore for anything, because he dealt with her so long trying to dictate to him how things were going to be. The difference being, I'm about family, and the kids and trying to improve our lives... she was about 24/7 partying, drinking all the time, and hanging out with friends. Don't get me wrong, he was like that too back then, but he has changed quite alot.
A little over 2 months ago, he went to pick up the kids and called me on his way. I have always had an inherent fear of the 2 of them getting back together because let's face it, that does happen, especially when you've been together as long as the 2 of them. Also, he would do things like, take her grocery shopping (because either her license was suspended for various reasons, or her car got towed away etc.)or go pick up a used dresser from a garage sale for her. You get the point. Everytime I would say anything about it he would either tell me it was 1)because it was for his kids i.e. groceries, or 2) he needed to maintain a relationship with her for the kids sake. I bought this, but always with the hesitation that he wasn't trustworthy, tho he'd never done anything to betray that trust, I inherently have a hard time trusting people. I kept telling him as long as he allowed her to be in "our face" like this constantly, between showing up everytime the kids were here for various stupid reasons, or calling him to ask him to do favors for her, I was never going to be able to get past all the things she'd done, and continued to do periodically to me. I had my daughter to worry about now, and the last thing I wanted was her anywhere near her. Anyway, cut back to 2 mos ago and he calls me on his way to get the kids. We talk for a minute, and then about 5 mins later I get another call from him, or so I thought, and its her. All she says is this "You'd better have a talk with your boyfriend(emphasizes) when he gets home." When I replied tiredly, "Why___?" She said, "That's between you and your boyfriend" and hung up on me. If I'd known it was her calling, I'd have never answered, but she called from his phone. When he got home just a couple mins later (she only lives 30 seconds down the street) I asked him what that was all about and told him what she said. He replied, "Who knows. You know how she is always trying to start something. She's mad because I won't give her money out of my tax return this year." At first I dismissed it, as i'm prone to do these days, only 2 hrs later it was still nagging at me what she said. I decided to go in the basement where he was and ask him about it again. I looked at him and very calmly said, "I'm sure i'm way off base here, but is there something going on with the 2 of you that I need to know about and that's what she was talking about?" He wouldn't look at me, and before the words even came out of his mouth, I knew the answer, but yet I still kept my mouth shut and waited. He finally uttered those dreaded words "I'm sorry. I had sex with her." I honestly didn't know what to say. The rage didn't come as quickly as I thought it would, and neither did the tears. I just stood there. I asked him how long ago, and he said it was sometime during this past summer (which I equate now to about 6 mos ago). He immediately tried to explain to me that he did it out of anger and hatred (towards her, which I still don't get how that has anything to do with anger or hatred)It was only the one time, and it lasted about 5 mins before he ran out saying "I can't do this". It didn't take long before the rage came to the surface and tho I refrained from hitting him, I did throw things and kicked his chair. I was never so hurt and angry in my entire life because I KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN! He even had the guts to say that to me "I guess you called it". Don't get me wrong, I don't agree with him doing it, and I certainly don't agree with the way he dealt with it. But, after much crying, screaming etc we were able to talk pretty openly about it. I think the worst was that the kids were there that night that I found out. I never even thought once about how my screaming was going to effect them. I couldn't. I was in self-preservation mode and the only thing I could think about was how hurt I was. When I ran up the stairs away from him, he was crying in the basement, I got upstairs and his oldest daughter was sobbing in the kitchen. I walked over to her and asked her why she was crying. Then restated I knew why she was crying, but honey why are you crying? She hugged me and sobbed "Because I don't want you to leave." That did it for me. Here was their daughter crying and hugging me after she'd just heard her parents slept together, and she's worried I'M GOING TO LEAVE?!!
I don't know what to do. honestly, he has cut her out completely except for where the kids are concerned. We don't allow her in our home, and if she does try to come in, he will wait til the kids are out of earshot and tell her again that she is not allowed to be in the house. I shamefully admit to monitoring the phone calls between the 2 of them and they are short, and few and far between. She calls him the most, as she will never give up and I believe this, tho right now, he is holding strong to his word. Even his daughter said he avoids her like the plague and won't hardly talk to her. I wish there was a way to get past this and she was a rational human being that you could reason with and try to have some kind of relationship with for the kids sake, but she's not. She never will be. She will always try to come between us, and she will always try to rub it in my face. She's cruel and crass and has absolutely no sense of dignity or shame. If someone out there has advice on what they would do, I welcome it. I've decided to forgive him and try to move on, but the fear is always still there and I wish I knew if it ever gets any better...
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My heart breaks for you...Do
My heart breaks for you...Do you mind if I ask why, after four years and a child, you havent gotten married?
Thank you. Actually, we
Thank you. Actually, we haven't gotten married because both of us are afraid. He's afraid that it will ruin things, and I'm afraid to a degree too. He calls me his wife, and I call him husband. He will take the ring off my finger and place it on my ring finger and say he doesn't need a piece of paper to know I'm his wife... that's about all I can say. I hope someday it changes, but I'm ok with it right now.
I guess in the scheme of
I guess in the scheme of things it doesnt really matter but Im glad that, at least until you have had time to process all of this, you arent married. My husband has never physically cheated on me (that I know of) but has harmed me emotionally over and over again where his ex is concerned. I like to call in "emotionally infidelity". Whether it be my state of mind after our getting married or reality, I feel like things got worse for us after we married.
I am like you in the fact that I do a lot of "monitoring" interactions between my husband and his ex. Im not sure that I have any good advice for you besides DONT GET MARRIED UNTIL YOU ARE POSITIVE THAT YOU ARE PAST THIS. I love my husband and do not plan on leaving him but I can tell you right now that if we were not married I would have hit the road when all of the dishonesty first came to light. Living with the distrust and paranoid feelings towards him has been a terrible way of living.
We do not have any children together so I can see where your situation is different and let me compliment you when I say that if you are able to stay with this man and love his children, put up with his ex, etc. after knowing that he has been unfaithful..you are a wonderful human being and I applaud you.
CrystalRE, you just brought
CrystalRE, you just brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for your compliment. Actually, those words aren't easy to hear because I struggle with whether I'm "an extraordinary human being" as someone said earlier, or I'm just "an extraordinarily STUPID human being". I don't know the answer to that question. all I know is i don't allow myself to dwell on it, and I try to really look at his actions and words towards me and if i feel in my heart he is being sincere, then I try to give him the benefit of the doubt... for my own sanity's sake, and all of the children's sake. I just pray I don't wake up one day to find i have received another phone call...
#1 (golden rule) "If thou
#1 (golden rule) "If thou cheats, do not return to thy dwelling or thy will never live thy day out again without regrets."
(I do not take disloyalty- never been disloyal so MWC will never forgive that.)
That has always been my catch-22 (always warned in advance.)
OMG, you are an amazing
OMG, you are an amazing woman. There is absolutely no way on GOD's GREEN EARTH I would ever be able to touch DH again after I found out he had sex with his ex. I would quite possibly sprout two heads and go insane and maybe even "do away with" them both out back under the poopoo tank.
I have no advice for you, just the deepest of sympathy.
~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~
And wait, they only had sex
And wait, they only had sex for five minutes?! WTH?
~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~
LOL Thank you. Yeah, I
LOL Thank you. Yeah, I scoffed a bit at that myself, but I know him. More than anything in this world, he doesn't like to feel guilty. Clearly that didn't stop him on his drunken night of sex! But, I can (as much as I hate to) picture him "throwing in the towel" and saying he can't do it, because he was already feeling guilty about what he was doing. I'm sure he's under-exaggerating the 5 mins, but I do believe it didn't last very long. What gets me, is he KNOWS how she is! He knew damn well she was never going to pass up an opportunity to rub that in my face and I would find out eventually. She tried "blackmailing" him for 6 months for more child support, money out of his taxes etc. When he finally stopped giving in, she followed through with her threat and called me.
Thank you! Actually, that
Thank you! Actually, that is some very good advice about doing it for me and not my daughter. My old boss told me once the best thing you can do for your child is to let them see you happy. I do always keep that in the back of my mind.
I'm so sorry you're going
I'm so sorry you're going through this. FDH did slip up similar to this, but it was in the beginning of our relationship (about 5 months in). I too am a very jealous person by nature, and in the beginning I tried to put those feelings aside and let BM and FDH be friends for Scooty's (SD5) sake. I will admit that I am a snooper, a habit I picked up from living with my ex who was a serial cheater. One night FDH got in the shower, and his phone was sitting on the table next to me....I swear it was calling my name! So I picked it up, and looked at his texts and needless to say I found some extremely inappropriate texts between him and BM. He got out of the shower, and the first thing I said was "I'm sorry...I went through your phone." (I know snooping is wrong, I just can't help myself!) Then I asked him what was going on b/w him and BM. And he just sat down, and said "I made a mistake, we had sex". I had my meltdown, and then I began my questioning tirade. He told me it was a one time thing, he felt sorry for her, blah blah blah. It basically came down to me asking him what he wanted....me or her. He said he wanted a life with me, not her, that she was a mistake. So I said ok, but if we stay together there are going to be a lot of rules. I gave him my list, which essentially cut her out of our lives (with the exception of Scooty related stuff). We blocked her from texting his cell phone, she can call him for emergencies, or she can call my phone, and we have a joint email account that is the only email she can contact him through. Without asking he gave me his logins/passwords to everything, should I feel the need to snoop. (Him doing that actually lessened my urges, although I still do on occassion...and proud to say haven't found anything inappropriate in the 2 years since the incident!!) I still have my times where I struggle with the jealousy/angry/hurt feelings and I can only hope they go away someday. So my advise to you is first decide if you think that you will be able to move past your hurt feelings in order to stay with your BF, second make a list of things that you need him to do/not do. (Which it sounds like he's already on his way by limiting contact with EW) If he is willing to do these things, and continue doing these things, then yes I do believe there is still hope.
"Live well, Love much, Laugh often."
x
x
BF and I have been together
BF and I have been together for 4 years. We don't have any kids together, but I have 2 from a previous marriage and he has 2 from his previous 9yr marriage.
BM and BF had been divorced for a year when I met him. She had an affair and divorced him, but when things didn't work out with her new man, she left him and wanted my BF back. We had only been dating 6mths when this started to happen.
BF went back and forth with wanting to work things out "for the kids" but was also unsure if that's what he really wanted for his life b/c he knew he couldn't trust her. We would break up and get back together several times because of his uncertainty. While he never *physically* cheated on me, he was emotionally cheating on me, and I knew good and well they spent time together, had sexual encounters during the times we weren't together.
She would also send me emails or text messages to make me aware of what was going on. It was the most devastating relationship experience I've ever had. My heart literally ached and everytime we would get back together I was soooo paranoid that it would happen again that I could never even enjoy the relationship when we were together.
He even moved back in with her for about a month while we were split for some time. He moved back out, by his choice because it just wasn't the same. When she figured out that things weren't going to go back to the way they were before she cheated she went back to the same guy she had an affair with. She ended up pregnant, and now they are married and raising their son together.
It has gotten better for me, it's taken about 3 years, and I'm still not completely over it and I'll never forget that it happened...but I am finally at the point where I can enjoy my relationship with BF and not worry about the threat of them reconciling again. I still have few thoughts here and there, but all it takes is a little reassurance from BF and I feel alot better.
However, if she had not had a child (I know that BF would NEVER go back to her now that she has a child, especially with the guy she had an affair on him with) I don't know that I would have been able to get passed it. If it was just her and the skids without this new baby, me and BF would not be together.
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
First of all… I’m SO so
First of all… I’m SO so sorry for your pain… it’s the worst kind of heart ache in the world. There’s just no comparison to that feeling of betrayal.
Like lucky when my husband and I were first talking and separating our households (from our previous marriages) we were four states apart from each other and living in the same homes as our soon to be ex’s… one drunken evening my husband’s ex “crawled on top of him” as he puts it and though he stopped things as soon as he “knew what was going on” it’s never sat right in my brain or my heart. No matter how drunk you are… things like that don’t JUST HAPPEN! We weren’t married yet… hell, we weren’t even divorced from the ex’s yet! But once you’ve committed your heart to someone you just can’t fathom how they could do something like that and still pledge all of their love to you without questioning everything!
You can keep loving him…. you can work on rebuilding your trust in him… but that raw wound will always be there in one way or another.
Love to you... good luck!
"I think to me it would not
"I think to me it would not only be that he cheated, but WHO he cheated with."
Bingo. I probably could work thru DH cheating on me with a random chick or whoever, but Gasolina??? There would be no repairing that...
~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~
That is exactly what I said
That is exactly what I said to him! I told him doing that with HER of all people was the absolute worst thing he could ever have done to me. I already had severe negative feelings associate with that woman, and this was just the cherry on top! You both are absolutely right. I could almost tolerate a random person that this happened with, as long as it wasn't her of all people. Honestly, in hindsight, I really thought about the fact it WAS her vs a person off the street so to speak. And knowing him, I think that's exactly why it was her... she was familiar. He had been married to her for almost 16 years. He's not the type to go out and try to pick someone up. That would take effort, and most of all self-esteem that he is just now starting to get back after being away from her for so long. I really thought long and hard, and even though it being her that it happened with hurts a MILLION times more than a random person... maybe it really is better. Maybe it really only happened because of their history, and because he wouldn't/couldn't do that with someone he wasn't in a relationship with??! I don't know... then again, that brings me to my ultimate fear is am I sitting here waiting for it to happen with her again? I don't think I could stand that pain again. I really don't...
cheaters always cheat. i
cheaters always cheat.
i think you are setting yourself up.
what he CHOSE to do...when he CHOSE to do it...was to disrespect you and yoru relationship and your child. There is no excuse for it.
"I shamefully admit to
"I shamefully admit to monitoring the phone calls between the 2 of them and they are short, and few and far between."
Shamefully?!? Your bf should be the only one who's ashamed for what he's done! Now you are forced to monitor his calls because if you don't paranoia will eat at you all day and all night! Let him be ashamed for what he's done to you!
You are right. I shouldn't
You are right. I shouldn't feel ashamed for doing that, but I do. I feel like I should be the bigger person and trust that what he says is true. Obviously, I have reasons not to be trusting of him now, and I called him out on a questionable few phone calls I saw listed on the cell bill (to my shame it turned out to be his sister!) But, he flew off the handle saying he can't live like this. I told him he should've thought about that before he decided to go up the street and have sex with her while I was out of town! Again, the arguments have gone back and forth and he has tried really hard to pull me aside spontaneously and just look me in teh eyes and tell me he loves me more than anything and he knows I've had to put up with alot, and the hardest thing he has to deal with is how much pain he knows he caused me and that I will never truly know how "done with her" he is. He said for the first time now he feels he can truly say that, and he knows it wasn't fair to me what he did, or what I have to put up with, but he feels that there's a clarification for him now that wasn't totally there before. I don't know. Again, I can only choose whether to stay or go, and then decide what I can tolerate and what I can't.
I can picture what happened.
I can picture what happened. She was probably at him a lot, maybe even naked and all over him, and he gave in for a few minutes...then realized what was happening and ran. Wrong, yes. But forgivable? Maybe. I don't agree, once a cheater always a cheater. People are often not that black and white. But what stuck out to me in your blog was the lack of clear boundaries with her already. He does way too much with/for her. The separation was not complete in that way. She was sending him gifts? They should have been returned. She screamed at you? He should have put her in her place. ETC. He has allowed her to be integral to your lives.
So, in my view, the only way to get past this is make the list of what is acceptable and not, like luckykell did, and have him stick to it. SHE IS OUT OF HIS LIFE! Even if she's starving and on the street. The kids can stay with you. He doesn't have to rescue her and he needs to shut her down when she's abusive. This may require counseling, as he was abused and bullied by her and that takes some resolution to break. He's used to placating her. And women/men like that always use the kids to make the ex dance their tune.
Oh, LizzieA, you are so
Oh, LizzieA, you are so correct!! There weren't boundaries, and I tolerated it to a degree. I kept thinking, "Hey, what do I know. I've never been through this before." But, common sense told me that he was going way over the top, and I continued to remind him of that everytime he would do something else for her. Please understand, he doesn't just do this stuff for her, he does it for everyone. He is a kind person, with a big heart and will drop anything to help someone in need. I think that's where he struggles with logistically how this needs to be handled, and how he feels it should be handled. He agrees with me now, and is on the same page, but before all this happened, he was doing pretty much everything she asked him to do, and that is due to years of history of him asking how high, everytime she told him to jump. I've told him exactly what you said in your post. There is no reason good enough for him to do anything for her at this point. He had one slip-up a couple of weeks ago where she called him(I was standing right there) and told him her car broke down and could he please go get her groceries out of the car and bring them to her house (she must've walked, but left the groceries in the car?) Anyway, I saw him look right at me, hemmed and hawed, then said "Fine, have (his daughter) meet me out front and I'll go get them. So he took his daughter to go do it, so he wouldn't have to see her/talk to her and that was his way of compromising. I still yelled at him and told him I had a hard time believing that she couldn't find a single other person to help her besides him, and he had to stop coming to her aid (then I got the shpiel about how his kids gotta eat) and later he came back to me and told me he thought about what I said, and I was right and he shouldn't have done it. It's hard. I too try to be a good, kind person and sometimes you just have to step back adn say "enough is enough". The problem is she misinterprets his "good deeds" as him reconciling their differences and trying to be nice and oh, maybe he wants to get together again, and the next thing you know she's showing up on our doorstep for some BS reason and I tell him that wouldn't happen, if he'd just kept up the hard ass position with her.
I would never forgive a man
I would never forgive a man who has cheated on me...much less one that cheated with an ex-wife...just my 2cents...I believe we as woman should have more respect for ourselves than to allow a man to cheat on us...there is NO excuse in my book...I don't buy the too many drinks bs, I don't buy any of it...
Good luck...it's your life and your choice, but that is my view...I think it is absolutely disgusting for someone to put their disgusting you know what into some other woman and then come home to me...sorry, as plain as it gets...
Nope. I absolutely agree
Nope. I absolutely agree with you 100%. It's disgusting and there's no excuse for it. But I also know that there has to be a time when it truly is a one-time thing, and the person is worth forgiving, but never forgetting. I don't know. Giving up your life, everything you worked so hard to build, for your own sake, isn't so easy to do either... Trust me. I know you don't know me, but I am the LAST person to tolerate someone doing this to me. I told him from day one it was pretty much the only thing that I absolutely would never forgive. I struggle with wondering why he would do this, if he knew that was the case?
so what does he think of
so what does he think of your word now? you told him it was the one thing you would never tolerate or forgive.
then you forgave it!
you are in for a lifetime of being trampled on now...he knows he can do anything now.
and you are not the LAST person to tolerate this...because you ARE tolerating it.
Well, folkmom, you just
Well, folkmom, you just tapped into yet another one of my ongoing fears... does he think now that I will tolerate it, were it to (God-forbid) ever happen again. I can't answer that. I can only tell you he knows I was close to packing up the baby and leaving and not looking back. I had a talk with his mom, the next day, and in the past has told me she wouldn't have tolerated half the things that I've put up with from "her", yet even she told me that she couldn't really say what she'd do as she'd never been in that situation, but to take some time to think about it, and she really believed the only reason he did it was to find out for himself, finally, whether or not he was really done with her. And you're right, by staying I am painting a picture of tolerating it. I have told him he can believe if he wants that i'd tolerate it again, but that's not really a chance he should take. I won't EVER tolerate this again, and there's no telling at some point i may leave anyway, if he doesn't stick to the guidelines we've agreed on with "her".
You said that your child is 3
You said that your child is 3 I believe? And that this happened, you think, 6 months ago... so he needed to see if things with her were really done after 2.5 years?
I know you're not asking for advice on whether to stay or not, and NO ONE in the entire world can tell you what to do because they arent you.
but I will say, the fact that he did it..bad. With her...awful. Kept it from you for that long...that's the part that Id struggle with.
not only did he (possibly) try to bribe her to be quiet but when you first asked when he came home...he lied to you.
to me, that would be the hard part.
of course, any instance with her will break your heart now. Even if he's open and honest, you still know she's around. And I understand him having kids you're attached to, that has to be unbearable.
But sweetheart...he didn't come home and tell you...he didn't have guilt after a week or even a month. He paid her. He tried to keep her quiet. He lied to you multiple times, and I'm sure you all had "moments" since this altercation with her (before you knew). And that's the stuff I would struggle with.
trusting him with women is one thing, trusting him with his ex is another...but I'd be afraid to trust him as an honest partner.
that being said. Take your time on decisions. There is no race. It will take a tremendous amount of time and effort to work through this. And honestly. I don't think it will ever 100% go away. But you can always vent on here if needed.
good luck to you
Let me tell you something
Let me tell you something that my DH said to me the other day...
His mother the other day told me that a long time ago some lady came to her and told her that her husband (DH's stepdad) had 3 other kids...then she changed the subject and said nothing else about it...It got me wondering, "did she mean BEFORE they got together and she never bothered to find out if it was true, ie. and make sure he paid child support to those kids...since she harrassed the crap out of me about paying DHs child support and providing for his daughter while he didn't have a job" or did she mean "he might have cheated and that's how he got 3 other kids and she again didn't bother to check into it"...I mean, honestly, if someone told me that I would find out one way or another...AND because SHE told me this, I would think that the next words out of her mouth would be "but I checked into it and it wasn't true or I checked into it and could never find proof, or ..." But no, she didn't say anything else to me...
So a few days later DH and I were talking because he has a disabled sister and his stepdad (actual BIO of stepdad) wouldn't help her get a house under his name...DH was angry and I told him about what his mom had said to me...I told him maybe his stepdad didn't want to do this because he thought maybe if he died some of his "kids" that nobody knew about would come claiming their inheritance, ie. the house (you cannot disinherit kids where we live) and he didn't want to do that to his daughter...
You know what my DH's reply was? I don't know if he had kids BEFORE her or not...but I can tell you this..."if he had these kids AFTER they married and she stayed with him, that is just disgusting! I cannot imagine a woman sleeping with a man that just slept with someone else...and if my mother did that, I think she is disgusting..."
Please, please, don't think that I am telling you this to hurt you, I am telling you this as someone who cares (although I don't know you), because I do know that many men lie, that many men will say anything to get themselves out of the mess they get themselves into...I don't care why he did it...if he did it to hurt her, then HE IS NOT OVER HER...and in the process, he hurt YOU...So his need to hurt her was greater than his need to protect you?
Again, it is YOUR life...but remember others will only respect us when we demand respect...and yes, you are right...I can see that you might "tolerate" it this time but not next...but at the end of the day, all that means is that maybe next time he won't tell you...not that he won't do it...
Please make sure you talk to someone...take sometime for yourself...go to your parents with your baby...You know, I have a feeling that as soon as he can't get a hold of you for a day or two he will THINK you are cheating and ALL HELL WILL BREAK LOOSE! You know what that means? That means that he would NEVER give YOU a second chance if you cheated, yet somehow believes he deserves more than you...
Hugs to you...I know it's a very tough thing to go through...I would never advocate dumping someone that you SUSPECT has cheated, unless you have PROOF...but you do have proof...it's now up to you to decide what to do...
Peace to you and lots of wisdom in this very tough decision...
I am so sorry honey. So
I am so sorry honey. So sorry.
I am sorry you are going
I am sorry you are going through this. It's one of my worst fears....that DH would cheat with HER. I know intellectually that would never happen, but it sits in the back of my mind for some odd reason. He says he hates her, but she was his first love, and I dont think you ever really get over it.
She propositioned him once when I wasn't around. He had gone to TN (1/2 way b/tw our homes) to exchange visitation one summer. She was in the room and when he called up from the front desk, she told him they weren't ready, but he could come up and wait. He did. She sent the girls outta the room to "talk" to him about them supposedly. Then she asked him to get back together with her and tried to kiss him. He says he left, and I believe him. However, it still sits there in the back of my mind.
I have to agree that I MIGHT be able to get past an affair, but for sure NOT one with HER! Good luck to ya!
Thank you, Sia. I am going
Thank you, Sia. I am going to need all the luck I can get. You are fortunate that your DH came clean to you about what happened. We can't ever say for sure whether someone's telling us the truth, but if he gives you no other reason to doubt him, then praise him for coming clean. With my bf, she was pretty much his first love too, at least length wise, and i know there's a connection there that's never going to be broken no matter how much my bf says he hates her too. One thing I've learned, not just from my situation, but from other friends, is that men have an ENTIRELY different take on "cheating" and why it's wrong, or not wrong. In any case it's NEVER acceptable in my book, and if he's with me, then he knows that's the case. I've always been up front with him on that, and here I sit... He stands to lose alot were he to go down that road again. I am the exact opposite of "her" in that I'm upstanding (try to be) I'm all about family, and I live for taking care of everyone else... except myself sometimes lol
I don't understand how he's
I don't understand how he's saying that he had sex with her out of anger and hatred. Yeah, that'll make her back off. Have you been able to determine the REAL reason why it happened?
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
No. We've talked about it
No. We've talked about it and all he'll tell me is that it was out of anger and hatred and I wouldn't understand. The closest thing I can tell you is that she cheated on him while they were married, with his best friend no less. He stayed with her 5 years before he finally left her, and i don't know if it was because of that, or because of all the other crap she put him thru. Probably a combination of both. One of his closest friends, who happens to be my best friends ex-boyfriend, did almost the same thing to my best friend when they were together. He was divorced and while my best friend and he were dating (after 3 years) she snooped in his phone and found text messages back and forth with his ex saying he loved her etc. When she finally confronted him on it, he said that it was because he wanted to hurt her as much as she'd hurt him. ??? Only makes sense in that he wanted to make her think he was going to get back together with her, and then do a "ha ha only kidding"?? I don't know. But, i think my bf was doing something along the same lines, because he knows how badly she wants him back, if for no other reason than to throw it in my face. Whenever I try to talk about it he tells me the same thing... it was out of hatred and anger and you wouldn't understand".
I think this is a fear that
I think this is a fear that we all have on one level or another.... If you think about it.... how much easier would their lives be if they got back together with BM? Sure they would likely be unhappy, but they would no longer pay child support, they would get to see their kids everyday, they wouldn't be blocked from the kids' activities, they wouldn't have us questioning them all the time, ect. A few years of unhappiness seems like a small price to pay for the sake of your kids.
I have only dated 2 men with kids. The first one was in the process of getting back together with BM when I met him... we had a bit of a whirlwind romance and he never looked back at BM, nonetheless, I worried the whole time that they would get back together!
The second one I hear is seeing BM again. I hope he is very happy living under her manipulative thumb
You know...never once have a
You know...never once have a I ever questioned FH about this...but I cringe if he even steps foot in the front door of her house...it makes me sick to even think about this subject. I always ride along to get the kids just because I like the ride...and he gets upset if I don't ride along to take them home...but I never even had this thought cross my mind and it actually makes me sick in my stomach. I don't know how you are dealing with this - and my ex was a big cheater...I still can't get over how he treated me. I will never speak to him ever again - and if my FH EVER did this I would be out the door...I couldn't help it. I would make his life a living hell. This makes my heart hurt just thinking about it. As much as you want to get over this...you never will...it will come out when you are angry - even if the situation has nothing to do with it...if you just so happen to have a fun night out and have had too much to drink - this could creep up on you - and you may find yourself watching him...even if you don't want - it will always cross your mind ; ( I think maybe you two should think about counseling. He needs to know how wrong he was. And now I am going to be paranoid...this brought up so many feelings from the past. Yuck. Keep your guard up. Keep those boundaries set. and I wish you the best of luck and I am hope you are stronger than me.
I feel for you, your heart
I feel for you, your heart must have broke in a million pieces once you found out what happened. I however could never forgive my DH if he cheated... not with a random or with his Ex. I love him, I would want to forgive him maybe, but I could never fully..and because there would be this 'gap' in our relationship where there was no trust, or everytime we had sex I was thinking about him with another woman...it just would never work out in the long run. Think about this... would you go have sex with someone else? Lets say an ex-boyfriend?? And would he be as forgiving to you? Let's say you just come home one night after being out... and you said... "oopsy my legs just fell open and my ex bf accidently had sex with me...but once I realized it I pulled up my panties and ran home"... ?? seriously? I'm not trying to disrespect you because I can only imagine how you feel... but I just couldn't do it...no way...and in my opinion no excuse is a good one.
I agree with this poster
If you find yourself doing the pick me dance and being the marriage police and spackling over what he did to you and your relationship I find www.chumplady.org to be the very best resource for those who have been cheated on. She says if you are staying with a cheater you need genuine remorse from him, a prenup , transparency . Go and do a lot of reading of her blogs or buy her book
Seems to me that having "hate
Seems to me that having "hate sex" with someone who supposedly terrorized him to the point where he was hiding under his bed, and harassed him for years after they split up means that he is NOT over her. He has not resolved the feelings he has for her and the drama they have lived with for so many years. If he had, he would have set limits on her before, and not after he caused you so much pain.
Infidelity is not a deal breaker for everyone, but I don't see how you can forgive this breach of trust, since it was with BM - a person you will be dealing with for the rest of your life in some capacity or another (weddings, grandkids, etc) if you stay with him. And after telling you what a horrible abusive person she is, he falls into bed with her again? What is happening there?
And OMG, his kids know way too much about their parents relationship and are way too involved in adult matters.
Anyway, you have to do what's best for you, but I don't think I could stay.