Anyone out there in this situation? Still finding it hard to adjust to living with many people after 4 years.
If anyone has been in this situation, or can relate somehow, I would sincerely appreciate some support and advice. I went from being a 32 year old career oriented woman, who never had anything but herself and her life to focus on... to being a mom, and step-mom all in the period of one month! I still have not adjusted after 4 years and find myself craving more and more, time to myself.
When I made the decision to move in with my boyfriend 4 years ago, I was already 8.5 months pregnant(and lived in a city approx 80 miles away). I had always lived alone (since early adulthood) and had nothing more to focus on than me. I had a great career and made really good money. I got pregnant, and thought erroneously, "Hey, I can do this. Even if I decide to stay by myself, I make enough money to support us and I can do this alone." But, when I was about 8 months pregnant, I started to get scared. I wondered if I could do it alone. I knew inside I could, but the reality of it was getting closer and closer and this was going to be my first child. I had never been a mom before, let alone a single mom. And having grown up without a father myself (my parents divorced when I was 2 mos old and my father only kept up visitation with us for 3 years, then didn't come around again til I was an adult) I was bent on my daughter having a father in her life.
I ultimately made the decision to do the following at 8 and a half months pregnant: 1- Relocated back to my home town, out of the city I currently lived in. 2-Moved in with my boyfriend and his 4 kids (he has them 50/50 with his ex)3- Had a baby a month later 4- Became mom and step-mom within a month, 4- After my maternity leave, commuted two hours to my job one way, 2 hours back home (worked 9 hours while I was there) 5- Come home to a newborn who I felt like didn't even know me, and to 4 other kids who seemed to be everywhere I wanted to be... alone. 6- Ended up quitting my very much-loved job after 9 months of commuting 5 days a week because I felt like my newborn daughter didn't even know who I was and I was missing out terribly, 7- Became stay at home mom 8- Cook, clean, do laundry, chauffer kids, and now have a daughter about to turn 3.
The trouble internally started just after I had my daughter. I lived in chaos. Everytime I just wanted some time alone with her, whether to breast feed, or just rock her or anything... there was ALWAYS someone else around. I couldn't even sit in my living room and breast feed her for fear there someone was going to come busting thru the door, or start ringing the bell and one of the kids was home from school, or decided to walk down from their moms, or came home from a friends (it was summer time so they weren't in school during the day). When they were there, it was constant pestering (can I hold her, can I give her a bottle etc.) If I went to our room to spend time alone with her, I got flack from my boyfriend that I should be spending more time with the other kids too and they wanted to see her etc.
3 years later, it's still the same. I am still a stay at home mom for 2 years now, and I get up in the morning when my boyfriend goes to work... I find myself praying she just stays asleep awhile longer so I can have time to myself, but inevitably one of the million people in the house will make some loud obnoxious noise, and she wakes up, or my boyfriend goes in to see her and ends up waking her up, or someone slams the door and she wakes up etc. Is something wrong with me??
I love spending time with my daughter during the day, but summers around the corner again and the kids will be off of school... and here constantly. I find my heart just beating so fast... my stomach is always in knots. I worry I won't ever be able to be alone at all. I've talked to my boyfriend about it, and all I ever feel like is that he thinks I'm "falling short". I constantly have to hear how HE NEEDS someone who can "keep up the pace", who can "support him". He is an aspiring musician, on top of his day job, and all he ever talks about is how "he has to get in the basement to work on his music" Every night it's the same thing... he gets home from work, rushes thru dinner (if he even has any) has some obligatory conversations with the kids (how was school etc) then around 8 or 9, he's run off to the basement where he will stay until he's ready to go to bed. He works hard... most times 7 days a week. I know this is just his need to be alone and focus on himself too, but when did I become responsible for EVERYBODY?? I have to put the kids to bed, make sure everybody brushes their teeth, did their homework etc. I tell him this all the time "I gave birth to one kid, NOT 5!" I would never choose to have 5 kids myself, because I know how I am. I LIKE BEING ALONE!! I enjoy ME! But when I moved in here, I didn't know I was suddenly going to be expected to be EVERYBODY's MOTHER! I love my daughter so much, but feel like I never really had the chance to bond with her like I would've if I hadn't constantly had interruptions from day one home from the hospital. I had never been a parent before, let alone parent to 5 practically overnight. My bf says he understands, but when he gets home from work and decides he needs to go to the store for something, and I quickly volunteer (needing 10 mins to myself) he gets mad, like i shouldn't feel that way. Somewhere along the way, I have lost everything I ever was, and became someone else that I don't even know.
Am I being selfish? Should I just "get over it" and stop being angry and resentful? This is only the primary issue... all the sub-issues like 1- Every time I go to get something of mine, hairbrush, pony tail holders, shampoo, lotion, shoes! they're gone. Someone has taken it, not put it back and now I have to hunt all over the house looking for it. My bf's youngest daughter who is 9, is constantly taking my jewelry, make up etc. When I tell him I know she took it, if I'm even lucky he says something to her, she lies, then miraculously an hour later it shows up, but in a different spot than where it's supposed to be. I can't take it anymore!! They love me, I love them, but how much is too much?? I bake for them, and cook for them, and play games with them, and my bf always says how much they love me. But, why can't I just enjoy my family, instead of feeling like this?? Please help.