BM does not want me anywhere near skids
Hello everyone.
I am posting with the hope that someone can provide me with some advice.
I am a step mother to 2 children (both under 10 years old). I met their father several years ago, I was in my early 20's at the time. The bio mom was 8 months pregnant with his daughter when I met him. Her and my husband were never married. She had thrown him out (previous to him meeting me) and gotten full custody of both before the birth. We became very close, very fast and soon after his daughter's birth we became an official couple. BM did not take well to him moving on (looking back, it was a very messy situation) and she began keeping the kids from him. She only allowed him access to them when she began dating her (current) boyfriend. Once they got serious, she denied access again. That brings us to present day.
We have an attorney now and have been fighting for more visitation, with a lot of success. She has not taken well to this. Over the weekend, my husband felt sick with a sinus infection. He wanted to nap and I was going to have my nails done at a salon near my house. He told me I should take SD for her nails painted. I told him maybe he should ask BM because she is very high conflict. He thought it was unneccessary as her boyfriend spends a lot of 1 on 1 time with both children without him ever being "asked", but he messaged her and asked her. 2 hours went by and no answer. He said just take her because he was going to nap and she was antsy and bored. I asked SD has she ever been for her nails painted at a salon, she said she has many times. I figured if it wasn't a "first" it would be okay, no harm done. I was wrong. When we got back BM messaged DH "No. That is MY daughter," etc etc...
BM messaged me after DH and started on me (we have never really had a conversation before). She said I am disrespecting her and kept repeating that it is her daughter. I told her is is also DH's daughter. Her boyfriend coaches their son's soccer team and never even told DH, he had to find out about the games through mutual friends. She also has taken the kids to Disney with the boyfriend. I pointed out how it seems to be hypocritical I am not allowed to spend one on one time but her boyfriend is. She called me an idiot, stupid and that DH is a piece of sh*t.
I feel like the fact that me and DH are happy, have a good lawyer and a nice home, makes her mad because he didn't do those things with her. When I met DH I stood by him and we worked through our issues whereas she just threw him out and changed the locks. I feel like now she just has to convince herself my husband and I are "trash" and undeserving of being around the kids.
I highly doubt she will ever accept me as part of the kids lives. We are going to talk to our lawyer but for now, do any SM's have a bio mom who forbids that the step mom spend 1 on 1 with the kids? I told DH I am going to back away from the step mom role because I am tired of being made out to be a monster by BM.
DH said he does not want BM to "win" by ruining the good relationship I have with SD. I am not sure where to go from here. Very depressing situation.
I can't imagine why willingly
I can't imagine why willingly placing yourselves into subordinate positions with a bitter high-conflict ex wouldn't go well...
That was sarcasm, if you couldn't tell. Time for a sanity check:
1) Your first mistake was asking permission. WHY would you do that?! BM thinks that she's more of a parent to SD than your DH. Why would you enable that attitude? If your husband says it's okay to do something with SD, it's okay to do something with SD. End of story.
2) You should not be entertaining her feeeeeeelings. My guess is that BM considers herself this all-powerful all-knowing Mother, like most high-conflict BMs. These BMs also like to think themselves eternal victims, and will get out of control with their emotions and victimize others because their fee fees are hurt. Where is the all-powerful mother at times like that? How can it be both? It's ridiculous and you and DH need to start ignoring her tantrums in order to discourage them. Any reaction ensures they'll continue.
3) DH put a baby in BM. You didn't. Why are you contacting her again? Block her from your phone and email. Communication with BM is DH's job, not yours. All you're doing is exhausting yourself emotionally and poking the bear. You know BM doesn't like you. Let her. Stop trying to win her over or compel her to approve of you. It's not going to happen. She hates you and she hates that DH is happy with you, and she wants to punish both of you for the rest of your lives. A high-conflict BM can have this attitude even if she's made the motions of moving on and is in a new relationship or marriage. Your DH was supposed to realize his mistake at letting her go when she kicked him out. The fact that he didn't will be an eternal bee in her bonnet; she wants conflict. She doesn't want peace. Stop turning to her to look for it.
Examine your choices here. You're creating your own misery by refusing to accept the situation as it is, and instead reacting as if the situation were what you wished for. Of course those of us with bitter high-conflict BMs wish things were different, but they can't be, because it's not just up to us. Cut out BM and your life will become much more peaceful
Thank you. I was trying to
Thank you. I was trying to hard to rationalize and be nice to her during our conversation yesterday and then today when I woke up I was really pissed off at myself for feeding into her woe is me stuff.
I blocked her from my phone and any social media account just now. I do need to accept that she will always hate us even though it boggles my mind that after 7 years she still hasn't come to terms with things.
I definitely am creating my own misery by even trying with her.
I thought that she had no say
I thought that she had no say over what happens during dad's time or in my household, but in her messages to me she was insisting "He is not supposed to have anyone with them during his visitation, it is court ordered" but then I asked him what she means and he said there is no stipulation in any order saying no one can be around them except him. She has them around a boyfriend I am the wife, yet I am treated as though I were some stranger off of the street. The boyfriend is regarded as a hero and wonderful pseudo dad and I am not allowed to do anything, in her eyes, because if I do I am a disrespectful person. I admit I feel I am too sensitive for this situation sometime. I care about the kids and it feels very hurtful to have their mom openly regard me as a monster. I do not have a criminal record, bad driving record or anything that should make her as deeply concerned as she is. It is just pure hatred based on the past, a past that she dictated and created on her own, only to turn around and blame the woman he ended up meeting and falling in love with. She regards me as a homewrecker who messed up some "happy home" yet there was never a happy home, it is delusional.
I will try to remember it is MY HOME during each visit and not be bullied into submission. Thank you for welcoming me to this forum.
I could have written this
I could have written this myself. Seven years have passed, and bm gets more and more demanding of what I can and cannot do around/with her children. I've been called every name in the book, and she has had an issue with me since day one.
My best advice is to go no contact with her. Let your dh deal with her "demands." He is just as much a parent as she is and can make her own decisions regarding the child on his time. Part of the issue with divorce is that you no longer get to have a say 100% of the time.
It also sounds like bm is insecure, and there's nothing you can do to fix her insecurity. Bm here takes the kids to dye their hair every color of the rainbow, and tells the kids it's none of dh's business (she says nothing to dh). Yet, dh takes the kids for a trim, and she looses her sh!t on him.
Bottom line is you cannot reason with an unreasonable person.
It's true. I couldn't reason
It's true. I couldn't reason with her, I kept saying "why can't that be water under the bridge" when she would bring up dh's past, things she had a problem with several years ago. She is still holding onto things from 2008 as if they happened yesterday, and also things that dh did when he was younger that do not represent who he is now. It is like seeing someone frozen in time, who claims she is "moved on" and the new man is so wonderful, practically a dad to the kids.
She can accept $800 per month in child support but does not think the kids should be near us, it seems very hypocritical. I read up on something called "the golden uterus complex" and it fits her. She doesn't think anyone should be around HER kids (unless it is a boyfriend or her mother) including their own dad. I wonder if she remembers they exist because of him too... it takes 2...
It is my fault for entertaining her, I was so taken aback by her email and my reaction was just to respond. I wanted to "defend" myself but there was no use trying. Now I wish I could re-do the day and decided to ignore her instead. I guess you live, you learn.
Yep! You're correct. She
Yep! You're correct. She definitely suffers from a classic case of "golden uterus syndrome". Playing gatekeeper is one of the side effects. I'd steer clear of her and stay out of the line I fire if I were you.
This is how my DHs ex is. You absolutely live and learn.