You are here

I want MY TURN

AJanie's picture

Any bio kid free people who want kids out there but are "waiting" for reasons solely caused by your husband?

He had kids young and pays a lot in child support so I feel my life is shelved while he "figures his out." I don't think he sees it this way.

I dutifully stand beside him as we slowly dig out of the hole caused by him recklessly having 2 kids in his early 20's with his flighty, irresponsible girlfriend. I am tired of our lives revolving around his kids, his ex... his his his...

These kids are expensive and draining. By the time they age out, my fertility will be long gone.

My options seem to be:

1) Have a child while basically poor and "figure it out."
2) Divorce. Get on a dating website and try to eventually have a family with someone else.
3) Sperm Bank.

None of these choices appeal to me.

I feel so defeated and wish I had friends who could relate even just a little bit. Every friend I have gave birth the same year. It was like some kind of sick joke. To placate myself - I got a puppy.

I want my turn. I don't feel like pretending his 2 kids are enough for me. In my 20's I had patience. Now my patience has run out...

To echo a previous poster: Bio free stepparenting certainly is a unique hell.

hereiam's picture

Had I ever wanted kids of my own, I would not have dated men who already had kids. Too much baggage (emotional and otherwise) and too many resources already going out the window.

Luckily, I never wanted kids and DH didn't want more.

I feel for you, being in this position, but are you sure this is the man you want to have kids with, anyway?

AJanie's picture

I don't know anymore. I went full steam ahead into it, years ago, with my rose colored goggles strapped firmly onto my head. I love him deeply - I know that much. Against all logic. Sick of kids who aren't mine, I guess. His little treasures, after a few days, become my little annoyances. I love them - just not like he does.

AJanie's picture

You know...

I could take it all on myself. I would have to. I would have to find a home daycare or childcare that isn't insanely expensive, and I would have to work. Full time. And that is okay.

I just know that BM always begging for MORE than the child support that already kills us - will drive me even more insane, because I will see it is a food out of my kids mouth. THAT scares the crap out of me.

DH doesn't want to "make the same mistakes" as he did with BM. I can respect that but I cannot wait 10 more years for all the stars to align so he can do it "right" this time.

I always wanted a baby by 30. Now by 34. My fear is 34 will come and go and time will be up.

I have my diagnostic ultrasound March 1st, along with the results of both blood tests I just had. At least I will know the full scope of how "fertile" I am. I will have to go from there.

AJanie's picture

I am waiting for him to wrap up physical therapy and start work. His goal is to get his class A and get in with a local trucking company that pays well because his body literally cannot continue doing manual labor. He was making FANTASTIC money when we first were engaged. Then he ripped his bicep off his arm and our collapse into poverty began. He had to file a claim to cover the surgery. I feel he isn't doing enough but he tells me his hands are tied, he has to wait for the workers comp court and the old company to work this thing out, settle it and he can move on. I hear horror stories on this website about people spending several years waiting for comp cases to close out and people to get back to work.

BM doesn't co-parent. She simply won't. She only involves him when a skid does something bad, to make sure he knows it is his fault. It is so hard for me to compare their situation to what mine would be. She knows we don't have the money to fight her in court so she just does what she wants.

ESMOD's picture

Has he thought of trying to find a job with less physical demands. Truck driving is not easy on the body either. What about sales or some office type position?

uofarkchick's picture

With his drug use history, I would not recommend OTR trucking. If he has any kind of accident, bumps a dock too hard, or if any damage is done to his truck, they will drug test. And most employers do randoms throughout the year as well to weed out the users. The Suboxone alone may preclude him from being a Class A driver. They don't really like people on opiates driving big rigs.

Disneyfan's picture

The financial parts of your posts really spoke to me.

If you can handle things financially until the youngest SK ages out, then do it.

I allowed financial concerns(and fear of being labeled a statistic) keep me from having more kids when my son was younger. That is the biggest regret of my life.

As soon as I got to place where money wasn't a concern and I said to hell with stereotypes and statistics, my body refused to cooperate. First I couldn't get pregnant. Then I could get pregnant, but it wouldn't stay put.

I know women my age who would die if they found out they were pregnant. I would leap for joy and cry like a baby.

Do not wait for everything to be perfect before trying to have a child of your own. It is a huge roll of the dice. Things may be tight until the baby starts school, but you won't regret it.

AJanie's picture

Sometimes I think just like this. If in the end I have a child with him and addiction or lack of work destroy him and he cannot contribute, so be it. If he remains on this straight path and gets a wonderful career for himself, great.

It is tiring trying to plan my future when I am surrounded by people who didn't plan a damn thing in life.

ESMOD's picture

My 2 cents is that I personally wasted my fertility with relationships and people that weren't worth it.

Dated a guy in my late 20's for over 3 years.. thought we were headed towards marriage, but he had problems coming to a commitment with me... and I got frustrated that we were in a holding pattern. He talked about buying a house.. and we were compatible.. both had good jobs, but he just ultimately decided he wasn't sure enough and broke it off.

Then single for a few years and then met my first husband in my early 30's. Was he perfect? No, but I figured that "no one is perfect and that we all have to compromise etc..." Well, turns out he was a big baby, immature, an A$$ and couldn't keep a steady job and "nothing was his fault". He ended up cheating after I agreed to move all the way across the country and spend tens of thousands of dollars on the move and changing jobs. ugh... So we divorced.. me happily as I realized I settled for too little.

That took me into my midish 30's where I met BF from hell. This was an abusive, drug addict (oh.. believe me, I had no idea when I got involved.. but discovered over time) who beat me, stole from me and when I finally was able to offload him from my life, I was in debt and had to rebuild a lot.

I then met my current DH (with 2 girls) in my late 30's. We dated for 3 years before deciding to get married. So, I was in early 40's when we got married. I didn't stop BC right away, and he had his own business and it was feast or famine financially and I wanted to wait till we were a bit more stable there. Well, ultimately, when I did go off, I didn't get pregnant.. We never had money to pursue fertility stuff, so I never got pregnant. Now in early 50's and that boat has sailed.

My cautionary tale is for you because I think you are with someone who won't be a good father and is not good parent material. I would get away asap and find someone because if you waste any more of your "good" years with him, you are likely to be in one of two positions.

1. resentful of not having kids
2. Have a kid but are tied to a guy who isn't going to be able to provide any support and isn't a good dad.

ESMOD's picture

BTW, I don't mean that the 13 years I have been with my current DH was "wasted"

To be honest at almost 40 years old, I likely (or he) had fertility issues that were never addressed. I am fortunate in that I never had a super strong lifelong wish to be a mom, but I do have a certain amount of regret and "what if" about the subject.

If he had been in a little better place financially, we might have pursued it harder, but it wasn't necessarily because of his kids, just the nature of his line of work.

AJanie's picture

I do fear I am wasting those years, similarly I had the "no one is perfect" thoughts when we became engaged.

Definitely dated the gamut of idiots in my 20's.

It is hard to imagine divorce. Especially because I love DH. Then... Remarriage. Eventually conceiving with a new guy. All in what.. a couple years? It feels desperate. It feels like the sperm bank is the better choice.

I know life is not meant to be lived fearfully... but these decisions are massive ones.

ESMOD's picture

IMHO, I would get out and get into the dating game to see if you find the "right guy". If you don't find him within X amount of time, you pursue having a child on your own... on your timetable.

I don't think your current DH would be the best "spermbank".

That is if you want one of your own. If you are not sure, you can stay and risk being like me in 20 years...

newcstep's picture

Bio free SM here who desperately wants kids of my own. All I can say is YES! ...and a bit of no. I agree largely that I want my turn. I really want to be a mother and it sucks that BM gets that right now and I don't. But here are my thoughts for you.

First: "I don't feel like pretending his 2 kids are enough for me." Yeah no... They aren't enough and never will be. If you want to be a mother, this will NEVER take the place of that. Don't pretend or start trying to play mom. You will only be left hurt and disappointed.

Second: Try not to blame him, his kids or BM specifically for your financial status. That will only breed resentment. ANY man you marry comes with financial baggage some have CS, others have student loans, or credit card debt, some just don't make as much. (Honestly, you should have taken that into account BEFORE you married him.) You are married and in this financial situation together. Stop placing blame and start dealing with the situation you are in. Instead of thinking of it like "this child drains my DH's salary", I think of it as "I married a man who makes XX,XXX" and make financial plans based on that.

Third: They always say you can never afford a child. Sometimes, you really can't. Don't get me wrong, if you can't afford your own expenses, I'm not suggesting that you try to bring another person into this world. Personally, we don't have as much as I wish we did, but we never will. That isn't SD fault; it just is the way it is. But it also isn't going to stop me from trying for a baby. We WILL figure it out.

Gimlet's picture

The other thing I would worry about, Janie, in addition to the finances is the possibility of relapse. Your DH hasn't been sober for very long, and I would not feel comfortable having kids with him until he has a couple of years of sobriety under his belt.

I know I harp on this, I've just seen so much of it and I've seen how hard it is to raise kids with someone who has substance abuse issues.

ESMOD's picture

Yep, this is an important thing to consider. Also consider the fact that addictions are often hereditary in nature. You would likely be saddling your child with a problem down the road.

So many times, I see women take a man and then try to make him match up to their dreams.

My YSD does this. She will find a guy to date.. like the last one that she finally dumped and she will try to show him in the light she wants him to be.

In reality, the guy had little ambition or work ethic. He was happy as a clam eating pizza hut every day and had no problem letting her foot the bills. I don't think he had a drug issue or alcohol, but he came from a family where the dad smoked pot ( we aren't in a legal state) and basically they lived a trailer park lifestyle. (note I'm not downing anyone who might live in a trailer.. just using that as a description of the stereotype of how they lived).

She is now with a guy who is having a hard time sticking to one job or another. Yeah, he's only 21.. but again, lives with parents and is only marginally solvent. I wish she would make better choices. Only good thing is we convinced her to get an IUD because she was having horrid sickness with her pills.. so at least that is a less failure prone method for her and hopefully no kids will result lol.

uofarkchick's picture

Thank you for saying this, Gimmy. I made the mistake of procreating with a junkie that relapsed a time or two before we had kids. He was sober less than 6 months when I got pregnant. I wouldn't wish the hell of raising kids with an active user on anyone.

ESMOD's picture

I guess the thing is that if you had never had those children.. it's not like they would have "known". Who knows in the whole cosmic space that their "souls" would have just been assigned to the next baby to BE born or something?

It's like my MIL who says she can't go without cable because she would miss show X Y or Z. I ask her if she never had known those shows even existed would she miss them?

I don't think it's all that unusual for parents to wish they could have provided a better/different life for their children. I know my DH wishes his girls hadn't had to go through a lot of the mess created by their mom and the divorce etc...

I do agree with you that this guy would be a poor choice for a father and that she would do better finding another man... or even doing it on her own.

Gimlet's picture

So many people could say that about their kids. Many people born into less than ideal circumstances still manage to have fulfilling lives.

You are clearly introspective and educated, Heaven. If we're playing the parent lottery, your kids could have done much worse.

You and I don't always see eye to eye on parenting, but I believe you are taking on far too much guilt here.

Gimlet's picture

Life is a balance. I feel bad about some of the decisions I made when I was younger, for sure. I made my fair share of mistakes.

But then I think about people like my mom. Her whole life, she made every choice by what she thought was best for her kids. Every single one, and she believed that doing otherwise made you a bad parent. It's ended up so badly for her. She never really had a life of her own, and it makes me incredibly sad to see that.

She's an extreme example, but I have no doubt that you did the best you could with what you had. We all make mistakes and have regrets. That guilt, though, that's useless to you. You've already learned from your mistakes, carrying that around serves no purpose now other than to impede you from moving forward.

MrsZipper's picture

This man is a recently relapsed recovering drug addict with 2 kids. #2 is the clear choice in my opinion.

Freeze your eggs if you are so indecisive about it. But just the eggs. Don't make embryos.

Ninji's picture

I agree with you. I don't know much about OPs story, but as some famous person said "When someone show you who they are, believe them. I love my DH to pieces but I would never have a child with him.

AJanie's picture

Thank you all, I wanted to respond individually but do not have time right now.

Clvergirl: your post spoke volumes. So much of this is coming to acceptance of what is rather than what I wish it was.

Wickedsm and nobodysbabynow: Thank you for your perspectives.

Heaven: You are far too eloquent to be anything other than an amazing mother. I am sure your children would agree.

Gimlet and Esmod: I value your wise words very highly on this website. I am always happy to take in your opinions and spend time thinking about them. You have always been to the point but also kind, and I can't express enough how much I appreciate that. Same goes with Ladyface.

Llilac: Thank you for sharing your experience with fertility testing. It is extremely scary for me, I just want to get March 1st over with and know more about where I stand.

BethAnne's picture

I'm 33, married almost 4 years and we have been going back and forth on kids the whole time. Right now we are probably going to try to adopt some kids on a few years when we are in a better financial position. I am not entirely sure if that is the right option or if I will regret not having biological children, if we will ever get to the point of being 'ready' to adopt or if I could be a good parent to either a bio or adopted child. I hate my indecision, I hate being put in a position where I am already a parent figure without a child of my own.

AJanie's picture

The indecision is horrible. I was there for awhile.

At first, I was glad not to have kids. I enjoyed the skids and the situation "worked" for me.

Then came indecision. I felt I still had a little more time to mull things over... I would go back and forth about it.

Now, I feel ready. WE are not ready - on paper - as a couple. Because of him. And I feel ... in what sick, unjust world can his ex have her 2 kids in her 20's, no education, no career, no stability... and here I am in my 30's, educated, employed, health, dental and 401K, all the bells and whistles, and my dreams are being shelved while by "better half" funnels half his worker's comp check to his ex. Life isn't fair and it sucks... but he cannot expect me to be content playing house with his kids when he knows and has ALWAYS known I want a child of my own.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

I am paying for my 2 year old all on my own while BM gets $1000 a month and all those extra demands . Yep I get resentful and it pisses me off but DD2 is worth it. And it's temporary. I am going to increase my salary by $10 an hr in a few years and step kids age out. BM is horrible and would never coparent. I had doubts about how DD2's dad would be as a parent but so far no complaints. He loves her and takes care of and raises her just fine. But I support their relationship and don't try and hinder it

Acratopotes's picture

AJ - I have a total different view.... if you want to be financially able to have a kid, Hon you will never have children, those skids will not go away, DH will always look after them, even after CS....

Thus dump the financial thing and decide... you want a kid or not.... then work from there, if yes, simply tell DH, I'm ready and I want a baby... if he comes up with excuses end it.

There's really nothing to it raising a kid on your own with just your income, somehow you always manage to have cloths food and a place to stay... I don't know how but it's just that way.

Solidshadow7's picture

It's great that your being responsible and thinking about how you're going to "afford" a child. But look around you. The world is full of people who have several kids because they couldn't even afford a condom, let alone a child. They all make it work somehow. So forget that as an excuse. The legions of unemployed and uneducated who are breeding like rabbits out of sheer stupidity should not be allowed to continue to pass their genes on while you (who may actually teach your children something worthwhile) die childless because you're trying to be responsible. Don't bother being responsible or reasonable, really, the rest of the world isn't worried about it. Now onto your other issues---
Never count on a man to support you financially. If he does, that's great, but if not well you are the captain of your own ship and your own destiny. You need to be able to support yourself, and be able to find a way to manage to support your children should the worst happen. This is not only a stepfamily issue, this is a life issue. This can happen to anyone no matter the situation. You could have a wonderful supporting husband with a good job who dies in a freak accident with no life insurance and no savings. Or he could leave you for a younger woman and find a way to duck child support/alimony. These things can always happen, they can happen no matter who are dating, and they can happen no matter how much planning you do, there is simply no insurance against them. So you should always be prepared to find yourself in a position where nobody in the world has your back so you better not fall, as should any other responsible adult. All im saying his inability (or ability) to support you should not factor into your decision because these things can change at any time.
What you should consider is 1- do you want this man as the father of your child? and 2- should the relationship not work out for whatever reason do you feel this is someone that you would be able to coparent with? If the answer to those questions is no, its time to leave the relationship and find a better one, (or a sperm bank if no better is available) or find out if this guy would really be okay with you going to a sperm bank and having someone else's kid while you're married to him. If the answer to 1 and 2 is yes, then forget about the finances because there really is no right time to have a child. This is your life, and you only get one. If you want children and your clock is ticking you should not be leaving that decision up to anyone but yourself.

AJanie's picture

The first part of your response... so true! It blows my mind how many people bring multiple children into this world with no plan. I almost wish I could be so laid back.

I know DH would not be okay with me going to a sperm bank. I have mentioned it before and he looked at me like I was crazy.

I know I would struggle financially to bring up and child with DH - but that is something I have always known so I suppose worrying about it will not change anything. I am smart and hardworking enough to provide on my own, it will just be a lot more challenging than having a partner who has his finances in order.

DH can be very loving and helpful. I can see him being the type to be heavily involved in caring for a baby, very hands on. He can also be very lazy, however. It varies.

I have trouble drawing conclusions about who he is as a parent just by seeing him with the skids every other weekend. BM has always worked very hard to keep him as a "visitor" and it wasn't until we hired a good lawyer that he even got an opportunity to somewhat be involved in more than just EOW stuff. He loves his kids... he is just a lot closer to his son than his daughter. He also has a lot of guilt, etc.

We have 2 dogs (our "babies") and he dotes on them and loves them so much. They are who I see him care for regularly. lol. If those furballs are any indication as to how he would be with our human child then that is a good sign.

Rags's picture

Then take your turn. Since you obviously are not with the right partner to actually successfully take your turn.... find the right partner.

That can't happen until you actually choose to take your turn rather than delay and make excuses.

If you choose to take your turn with this guy.... then take your turn and work through the subsequent challenges.

Either way... you don't get your turn unless you demand to take it.

Don't over complicate this.

Good luck.

AJanie's picture

So to the point, Rags. I always enjoy your responses.

I tend to overthink and then stand paralyzed in fear. I have handled a lot of challenges over the years without falling flat on my face. I suppose I am tougher than I give myself credit for.

Rags's picture

Glad I could be of service. My problem resolution and decisioning tends to be rather pragmatic and focused on directly addressing an issue or behavioral perpetrator rather than all encompassing and considerate of the feelings of others.

That tends to not sit well with many in such an estrogen rich environment as STalk where feelings and avoidance often are the primary consideration rather than prioritizing problem resolution.

Just don't forget to take care of you in all of this. Far too often we SParents tend to sacrifice and lose ourselves on the alter of relationships rather than remaining in touch with the fact that this is our life too and we take equal if not superior priority to everyone else in the blended family mix.

Good luck.