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New to the forums, saying hi, and asking for advice

goferdad's picture

Hey everyone. I just wanted to introduce myself. My name is Adam and I'm a 29 year old soon-to-be step Dad.

I'm still learning all the abbreviations here so take it easy on me :). Long story short bio-dad and I used to be great friends. Always loved my now fiancee. After they split it wasn't long before her and I got together and engaged.

I went from a 29 year old single, working professional to being a step-dad to two wonderful children - a 2 year old girl and a 6 year old boy. The kids are great and I love their mom very much. But boy is it a lot more overwhelming than I had thought.

Because the transition happened quite quickly - I feel as though I "replaced" Dad in both the household and the parenting life. I've been assigned "jobs" that used to be done by the bio-dad that have simply fallen on my lap. Don't get me wrong, I love the kids and enjoy helping out however I can but it can be a lot to process so quickly. I understand that there is a process and way things are done in the household, especially with the children and so I don't really say much. Is it selfish of me to want to discuss my role and to figure out what works best for the two of us rather than just assuming all duties that the bio-dad used to do? I should clarify that I'm not complaining about household chores here - but I didn't realize that it would be my job to bathe the kids on my own because mom never used to do it.

Also, any advice on the subject of discipline? When I bring up the topic with my fiancee her normal reply is that I will "figure it out." That's really hard for me because I don't know where to draw the line on my own. I feel like I need to support her decisions, but it seems she wants me to discipline on my own as well but I'm worried that I may cross a line that I'm unaware of that my fiancee does not like.

I'm sure I'll have more questions here (and for my fiancee) as things progress. Thanks and Happy Holidays!

twoviewpoints's picture

" but I didn't realize that it would be my job to bathe the kids on my own because mom never used to do it."

Your new DF needs to be welcomed to the world of divorced mothers. No. Just because you are now the head of the new household does not mean you automatically take over whatever duties use to belong to the children's father. Had you not walked right in and been deemed 'instant replacement' your DF would be doing this all on her own.

Yes, you and DF need to sit down and discuss all of this and how both of you are going to share the duties and task in the household. If you start out letting your DF assign you your 'daddy duties' now you will rapidly grow to resent it. These children still have a father and unfortunately for your DF line of thinking, you're not him.

No matter how much you love this woman, do not race into marriage prior to working all your concerns out. Do not have a baby of your own yet with this woman. Currently you are moving too fast and DF is expecting you to just take over all the daddy duties and pretend you're now Daddy. Unfortunately for your DF life doesn't work that way and you have real reason to be questioning what's going on and to demand being allowed to find your comfort level.

godess-clueless's picture

Mom should be bathing the 2 year old girl, the 6 year old boy should be taking his own bath once the water is in the tub.

Rags's picture

goferdad,

Welcome. I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and pick up some useful advice from others who are living the blended family dream. And .. happy holidays to you too.

First, I became Step Dad to my SS-22 when his mom and I married the week before he turned 2yo. So, I have lived my version of what you are starting. My bride and I met and started dating when SS was 15mos old.

So, here it is. You and your stb DW are equity partners in life and that makes you an equity parent to any children in your marital home regardless of the biology of the kids. Not only is it not wrong for you to sit down and discuss your contribution to parenting and discipline of kids in your home rather than just taking over from where Bio Dad left off it is critical that this happen and that it happens soon. Yes, your bride is the bio mom and some things only she can do and take the lead on but those things are and should be few and far between IMHO. In our case the only time that we decided that my bride would be the primary bringer of the parenting message to the Skid was when he jerked around and flunked the only class he needed to graduate from boarding school and we decided to withdraw him at Christmas break rather than pay another 2 full semesters of tuition for just one class. At that point we felt is was critical that he hear the consequences of his actions from his mom rather than from me. The risk was just too high of him taking the message as coming from his “asshole step dad” if it came from me.

Were I you I would sit down with your bride with a formulated agenda to deliver the message to her of what you will and will not do and to talk through what your daily activities will be regarding caring for, parenting, and disciplining the Skids. Bearing in mind that you and your bride are equity life partners and you will tolerate nothing less than being an equity parent to any children in the marital home regardless of their biology.

Congrats on the upcoming nuptials.

Good luck and best regards,