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Mother in law...favors ex wife over me

happy mom's picture

I have this strange feeling (gut feeling) that my mother in law (MIL) prefers husband's ex wife over me. MIL knows that I despise this woman. Sometimes I ask her if she spoke to ex issues regarding SS she says no then later in the conversation she'll say things that only she would have gotten the information from I'm thinking huh? Like she lies & hides the fact that she talked to ex. MIL says things like ex likes to come to her I don't or something. What do you think, I hate the idea that my MIL is even talking to this woman!


h6not3's picture

I know how you feel! However, my MIL does not talk to the ex.....My own mother still talks to MY ex behind my back. I find out the same ways that you do. It hurts like heck, but after 3 years of it, I feel better blowing my mom off for a couple weeks and she takes the hint.

My mom knows that it is wrong, but it's just her nature to know EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING. So, I just take it as her being nosey.

I would just concentrate on your hubby and not put any worry into the MIL....sounds very difficult, but she might be trying to get a rouse out of you. If you act like you don't care in the least bit, it might actually put her undies in a bundle. heheheh...

Have a great day!

Enuffsenuff's picture

I mean like have good communication and share things with one another? Are you friends and close or is it all business like?

Enuffsenuff's picture

Maybe it's more a matter of not wanting to hurt you then it is hiding it from you. My mom was very disappointed when my ex and I divorced. For a long time she kept in contact with him and didn't tell me simply because she didn't want me to feel betrayed.

I can totally understand where you are coming from though. My MIL still talks to my SO ex wife and even will bring the subject up while visiting with us in our home. Lately I've been very bluntly saying to BF that "I don't want to talk about BM."

If you are friends and close I would bring it up and just ask her honestly and nicely what is up. Then explain how it makes you feel.

happy mom's picture

thanks for you comments...I see my MIL once a month. we talk and we are very nice to each other. i just get very bothered by the fact that she knows & I've told her that I don't like biomom. yet she brings her name up when she wants to know what stepson's schedule is...and everytime she asks me, i say the same thing "i don't know, ask his mother." mil law always invites ss to sleep over her house and hardly asks my daughter if she would like to stay too. that's another whole story. i won't get into. i guess the hardest thing for me is to accept the fact that mil and ex do get along period. i just feel sometimes that she prefers her more than me. i really don't know... i just ignore it most of the time and not let it get to me.

-happy mom

happy mom's picture

Thanks for your thoughts. Yes I do have a good relationship w/my MIL, she knows I despise the exwife....but she still manages to bring her up at times and I just get irritated. I'm afraid to tell her straight because I'll look like the bad guy. They are old fashioned.

-happy mom

happy mom's picture

How do you deal w/the fact that exwife is totally involved w/your husband's family? I have a very difficult time dealing w/it from the start. I don't want my in-laws inviting ex over for lunch or dinner or even talking to her. I guess I just believe that ex is the past and no more carrying out this relationship w/them once the marriage is over...other than shared children issues.

I finally realized this year that yes I don't have the control of preventing my inlaws to have relationship w/the ex. Thanks for you insight.

-happy mom

Truck56's picture

My wife's mother is totally enmeshed with her granddaughter's father who was never married to her mother. She talks about him like he is the current son inlaw and not me. My wife also adores him as well. If they were humble in who he was I would not be upset with the situation. I find him very arrogant and bold to be so involved with her family. As far as I am concerned he wants all the perks of a son inlaw without the liabilties of a marriage. My wife left him after living with him for 5 yrs after becoming pregnant and having his child. He would not marry her. She said he only believes in spiritual marriage and not court legal marriage.

OldTimer's picture

that my ex's family talked about to my exs new SO... lol.

My feeling is that if at all possible, you should sit down with MIL and just explain that you really don't feel comfortable with discussions about the ex. Be honest with her. She may not really be aware of how much of an impact it is making on you. She may be trying to fill a void that she's not really aware that you don't care about. Maybe it's nervious conversation too, might not know exactly what to talk about with you and so she just resorts to what she knows most about?

Or if the subject of the ex comes up, perhaps you could simply redirect the topic to something else that's more appealing. Eventually, she will get the hint that you don't want to talk about it. Instead, direct her to talk about herself, her likes, find out more about her from the inside out, so to say. And really be interested in what she has to say... even if you're fighting from yawning... lol. That will go along way, and just by the fact you are showing interest in her, might work wonders, you know.

Just a few of my thoughts.

Enuffsenuff's picture

pushes my buttons with the not keeping things fair too.(about the spending more time with SS then your daughter) I know it can be hurtful and aggrevating. Just a week before christmas MIL came to spend the day with SS's and BioS and she brought a Fleece shirt for both SS's and not BioS. For one thing BioS loves fleece shirts and had been asking for more because he was out growing last years. I made it a point to get him some for Christmas and Ss one too because he has decided he likes them too.

To have to sit here and watch SS's getting BioS favorite shirt and then to hear MIL state that "I didin't get you one cause I knew you had a bunch already" just made me sick. My BioS was getting ready to go to his g-ma's to open "special" gifts anyway so I went a head and took him

I just want to say that I totally understand a g-ma wanting to spoil her Bio g-son a little more then her S-g-son's, but I do not feel that it is ever right to do so in front of the other children. KIds do not understand the logic--Heck I don't understand the logic and I'm a grown women.

I like the way my BioS g-ma takes care of it. She will arrange a time to open her "special" gifts-at her house or else where when other kids are not present. But she also always makes sure to do a "special-equal" gift for all five of our children. To me that is the way to do things. Fariness is important in Bonus families especially. NO kid should feel left out or unequal to any other in a family.

I told BF that he needs to very nicely tell his mom that it's fine for her to do "extra" for her g-son's if she likes, but that we would both prefer it if she made sure the other kids were not around when she does it."

He hasn't had the chance to tell her this yet, but she is a pretty understanding person and I really don't think she realizes that her actions hurt my kids.

lovin-life's picture

My own mother did that kind of stuff too....only she 'favoured' my daughter over my son. She would pick up little girl 'trinkets' for her...cause they were so cute...but could never find any 'cute' boy trinkets.... I spoke to her many times about it. It got to the point that my son began referring to her as 'sisters grandmother' CAN YOU IMAGINE!!!! I'm trying to remember how old he was....grade primary or one so 5 or 6 years old..

That's when I totally lost it with her!! I told her 'Don't EVER buy another thing for her ... ever...if you can't get something for him too...SHE GETS NOTHING...enough was enough!!! I told her what her only grandson thought of her.... that she was his sister's grandmother not his.. She cried when I told her...but she just "didn't get" what I had been telling her all along...and that was a big 'wake-up' 'light-bulb' moment for her.

Sometimes people are just clueless..........

happy mom's picture

wow what an experience you went through....i feel like most people are clueless! i would like to tell my mil straight one day but afraid to be looked upon as the bad apple and then they would favor exwife even more. i just ignore it most of the time and not let it get to me...but how long is that going to last i have no idea.

-happy mom

septembers_child's picture

Well....Again I have a different perspective on this..I have remained very close to my mother in law from my first marriage and in fact all of my ex husbands family.I was closer to my first mother in law then I ever was my own mother. Over the course of the 16 year marriage between me and her son, she and I developed a bond and a mother/daughter relationship in our own right that had nothing to do with her son/my husband.

She was there and saw what I went through with her son. What he put me and our daughters through. And she was there to support me when I divorced her son and she understood why I did so. While she was there for her son to support him through the emotional trauma of my divorcing him..She was also there for me to support me emotionally and she understood why I did what I did..But the bottom line for her was that our marriage was between the two of us...period..

I have been married to my current hubby for almost 6 years and we have been together for almost 7. His family is an aboslutle nightmare and I have had no relationship with them. I got a new husband but kept my same in laws essentally. LOL..My mother in law from my first marriage, welcomed my new husband and the step brat into her home, life, and family with open arms..She accepted them as her own..And she considers my new husband to be a son to her..

We are currently stationed in Germany..She was just here for 12 days to visit us and we had a wonderful time..Does it bug her son??? I don't think so because he knows how close me and his mother have always been and he understands our mother/daughter bond. Does it bother his "new wife"..I am sure it eats her alive..

But their is a kicker here..My ex husband's "new wife" is in fact my ex best friend and his little brothers ex wife..Yep we were sister in laws and best friends for many years. While I was still married to my ex husband, I introduced my best friend to his little brother. They were married and had my nephew..They divorced a few years later..My mother in law NEVER liked her from the beginning..

We suddenly get a call from my ex husband one day, fresh out of prison..In which he informs me and our daughters that himself and the ex best friend/sister in law got married three weeks before..We didn't even know they were in contact or dating!! By the way, neither did his mother!! It was especially a shocker considering that during the time we were married he always HATED her...

Yep so their is a bit of a blended family twist..HUH? So my poor mother in law got stuck with the daughter in law from hell FOR THE SECOND TIME..A daughter in law she didn't like the first time..

When we were sister in laws it used to bug "Aunt Step Mom" that our mother in law and I were close but that our mother in law didn't like her..So I suspect that as the "new" wife of my XH (our girls and my nephew call him Uncle Dad) it must really fry her to know that myself and our mother in law stayed close through out the years..even after myself and xh divorced..I also stayed close with her ex brother in law..Because my mother in law was beyond glad to be rid of her when her youngest son divorced her!!

I can't speak for your mother in law..But I can share with you how my mother in law from my frist marriage feels...My mother in law doesn't tell Aunt Mom, (hubbies new wife) about when she talks to me, how often we have contact, or what we talk about because she feels it's none of her business and she doesn't need to run it by her first or explain it to her.

We had a relationship already established LONG BEFORE Aunt Mom married her youngest and her second oldest..BEFORE she was ever in the picture in either of her boys or any of our lives myself and my mother in law had a close relationship and I was also still the mother of HER grand children. Her view is that what her sons do as adults is their business and their marriages and divorces are their busiess..It doesn't have anything to do with her..

So, I see nothing wrong with your mother in law retaining a relationship with your DH's ex in her own right..It wasn't HER was theirs..

Perhaps your mother in law lies or is dishonest about her contact and relationship with your husband's ex because she feels it's none of your business..Or because she doesn't feel that having a relationship with the ex has anything to do with having a relationship with you..

Have you talked to your mother in law about this??