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Does anyone out there have a good relationship w/BM?

happy mom's picture

Just wondering cause it seems like everyone has issues w/their current situation w/BM being in their lives and all. I want to know if you do have a good relationship w/BM, how did you do it and tell me your story.


Chocoholic's picture

I'm the bio mom in the situation where I have a good relationship with my ex's girlfriend.... I attribute the fact that we all get along so well to the fact that when my ex husband and I broke up, there was nothing left unresolved. We had both tried to make the marriage work and in the end, we both knew that it was just not meant to be. I didn't ever want him back, and he didn't ever want me back. When he met his girlfriend (of 2 years now) and I met my now dh (of 2 years now) we were both genuinely happy for one another.
My ex's girlfriend is amazing.... she loves my daughter as her own, which to me as earned her the shared title of "mom".

On other hand, my son's dad and I do get along (we were never married) as long as his wife is doesn't know about it; however his wife still makes it very hard. That is because she is jealous and cannot get over her jealously of our past 'relationship' (if you can even call it that). In addition, she uses my son and does not treat him with integrity or respect.

In regards to where I am the step-mom, my dh's ex and I do not get along.... dh's ex cheated on and left my dh 3 times.... the third time around he said goodbye forever but she decided AGAIN that she wanted him back.... Not because she loved him but because he made life much easier for her. When I came into the picture, she saw me as the barrier between her and my dh getting back together.... of course it had NOTHING to do with HER own actions!

The bottom line is that I believe that the exs and new spouses get along with one another when nothing was left unresolved by the ex couple.... when EVERYONE is able to put the kids needs first and Everyone is happy and secure and able to resolve their issues and move forward with their own lives it seems to work out where you just naturally get along.

Mocha2001's picture

I'm in the same boat with the Ex wife ... she cheated, she asked him back twice, he said no because he was happy with me, so she sees me as the barrier and HATES me with a passion.

~ Katrina

BIOMOM's picture

Your right. But I doubt she EVER wanted him back. Some women are just secure in knowing they can jerk him around, make him do backflips and wait in the corner until she's ready to want him back.

Enter Chocoholic. It's a classic case of "I don't want him, but I don't want you to have him either". She was secure in knowing he didn't have a life.

I admit, when my ex met his now-wife, I knew I was no longer going to have an easy time of it. Having a new chick in the henhouse made it a little crowded. And she really took the reins. At first I was astonished at how much she controlled him. Until I realized that she probably had the right idea. Does that make sense? She ordered him around and he listened. Good for her!

OldTimer's picture

LOL... that made me laugh!

In my DH's case, I think BM was waaaayyyyy too controlling and he didn't like HER ordering HIM around... LOL.

Wink StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

Chocoholic's picture

That was exactly it.... she just does not want to see dh happy, or doing better than herself... Once I entered the picture she was no longer allowed to push around dh and that REALLY pissed her off.

Imustbcrazy's picture

Up until this past week... it still had it "bumps" but we pretty much got along. I just sent her an email today, after our last argument I decided we were TOO CLOSE..... I will paste it here... you will get the idea~

It seems no matter how hard we try, it is just not working. It is good for a while, them BAM it goes sour. No matter how well we get along at times, we both think that the other has ill intentions in regards to certain subjects. Mainly time with SS. I have to make it clear that I was not intending to stir the pot on Tuesday. I just didn't realize that asking for a Tuesday after you would have had SS all weekend to take him to a baseball game, would open such an ugly can of worms, so I said forget it. It was not THAT big of a deal if you said no. I know that you didn't say no to that, but I didn't think it was going to cause such changes on the existing plan to have him ONE weekday evening after you had him all weekend. DH's initial reaction before you forwarded the email with your lovely remarks was to renege on the days he gave you and tell you no if you can't compromise, neither will we. I AM THE REASON HE DIDN'T GO THROUGH WITH THAT. I told him that I said never mind, it was too much of a hassle. So, here are the things you can look forward to. I am not trying to be mean, I am just being honest.

I understand your concerns about a quick turnaround- but lets think about that one real quick. Up until LAST MONTH SS has had a one day turn around with us EVERY MONDAY. He does fine with that. He is past the "not knowing what is going on" stage So, I do disagree with your point of view on that one. Like DH said, maybe 1 1/2 years ago, he would have tripped out on it, but now he is fine. He knows that he has two houses and two families. It's all good with him. He knows NO different.

I had no idea that you were mad after I said forget it. My response was taken SO out of context, and has been a lot lately. That is the 3rd time in less than two weeks that you assume I am being mean, when I was just talking. It really was NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL. Truly. So, I was not aware that this upset you until you sent the email to DH.

BM- you know where my loyalties lie- that is with DH. I have cushioned a lot of the blows over the past year. DH gets angry and frustrated with things that happen. You two have completely different points of view on a lot of things when it comes to SS. When I ask you little questions here and there, it is not me being NOSEY… it is a concern that DH had, and I reword it nicely, and ask you for him. i.e. the TV question. He was concerned that SS sits in front of the TV all of the time at your house. Had that question come out of his mouth, into your ears, it would have been a blow out. I asked you, got your answer and let him know…and it's all good.

You should know that I get DH's emails on my blackberry too. Just an FYI- and he gets mine (my home ones). I know that if I was not DH's wife and you weren't his ex wife… there would be a true friendship that would not have all of these ridiculous hiccups. But because there is the "history" there… we both assume the worst out of one another from time to time, as much as we try not to. It is inevitable. We cannot change the facts. We cannot reverse history. And we are truly two different people from two different upbringings. There is just not enough glue there to bind a lasting relationship.

I know that your main concern is SS and his well being. As is mine and DH's. We have completely different ideas of what his well being is sometimes, but we all love him very much and that is what is important. I would like to continue a civil relationship with you. I see no reason that you cannot contact me if you are unable to get DH and there is something pressing. I see no reason that I cannot drop him off when needed without animosity. I am not angry with you. I understand that the fact is, I am "who I am" and that makes it hard. I just don't think that we should talk like we have in the past. We always vow that we won't discuss SS, then we are close again and get comfortable, then his name comes up, a quick HOW IS SS?… then it is running plans by one another… then BAM we are fighting again. So, I would like to remain civil- and Friendly, but I think the FRIENDSHIP thing, is to complicated and too stressful for all of us, DH included. So… you will have to contact DH for the most part, (please don't take advantage of that… confirming for a 3rd time that you are picking him up early on Saturday is not needed and of COURSE we will let you know about the dentist, that stuff is common sense and DH posses common sense. It is just an annoyance to him when you do that, and you know he never responds anyways) Maybe you will see how much I have buffered his reactions… or maybe the two of you can possibly get a long now that you won't have to run and tattle to him, who knows.

Please remember how much I love SS. I have been a part of his life for as long as he can remember and will be here for the remainder. So I would appreciate the respect to remain between you and I in regards to how we speak of one another in SS's presence. He is a special little boy, you know that I love him dearly. I do care about you BM and your wellbeing and it sucks that it has come to this. I just think this is the wisest things to do. NO hard feelings. NO ending on a bad note- just dissolving something that probably never should have been. It does not mean that we can't raise SS together, because honestly we are anyways, whether any of us like it or not… so we can continue to do so together~ without talking everyday and about everything.

Thank you for being a listening ear. I appreciate all that you have shared with me and what could have been, if only.

Respectfully~ Daddysgurl

Well, what do ya'll think????

Daddys Gurl-

Life is as sweet as you sweeten it.

Mocha2001's picture

I think that was perfect ... let us know if she responds.

~ Katrina

texaswonder028's picture

Daddysgirl You Rock!
I need some lessons on how to be Nice and Mean all at the same time. You probably made her cry. You big meany! j/k Lol! I think she will get the point. My favorite part is : "you will have to contact DH for the most part, (please don't take advantage of that… confirming for a 3rd time that you are picking him up early on Saturday is not needed and of COURSE we will let you know about the dentist, that stuff is common sense and DH posses common sense. It is just an annoyance to him when you do that, and you know he never responds anyways)" Nicely said.
You make us proud! I hope she tries to use this in court. The judge will laugh in her face.
Keep us posted on her response to the letter.

Imustbcrazy's picture

And she was NOT happy. I guess all of this fell on what would have been DH and BM's anniversary. (like I remember days such as that) So she was all emotional to begin with. She told me that she feels like she is constantly being questioned about her capabilities as a mother. She went on to tell me that I have nothing to do with raising SS because her STEP parents didn't raise her, it was her mom and her dad. ( I am sure her step dad would love to hear that one, I KNOW he helped raise her, he was the only one with any common sense and eventually divorced her mom and STILL helps BM with money and stuff). So, I have basically let it all go~ I don't want to get into a pissing contest with her. So, I will not respond. I think I made my point... and that is all that matters right now. I have better things to concern myself with, and frankly too much on my mind to deal with her petty ass.

Daddys Gurl-

Life is as sweet as you sweeten it.

lovin-life's picture

I'm a step and bio. But like mocha...the bio hates me. I think because it's easier for her to see me as the barrier rather than having to look at her own actions and infidelities as the reason why her former husband wants nothing to do with her.

And I agree with ex's having unresolved issues as the #1 reason for NOT getting along...(at least being civil)Whether that is their own mental health issues..or unresolved repationship/jealousy issues still centered around their ex.

I don't think my Ex's GF has any issues with me..not major ones a matter of fact. We sat beside each other at my daughters game today. They sat next to me. We all can chat, even laugh together once in a while..mind you..we are not buddies...there are boundaries.

But we both have a place in my childrens lives..and I think the key to to having a working relationship with ex's having some measure of respect for each other...and having manners & civility.

I have no unresolved relationship issues with my ex. I've moved on..I'm, glad he's moved on....but my hubby's ex..whoa!!!!! I'm going to start a new blog telling a little story of what I should expect at the wedding next week

Take Care
Lovin-life Smile

Anne 8102's picture

There were lots of growing pains in the beginning...

1) Once I came along, she couldn't count on him to do "husbandly" things, like fix her car, install new things in her home, replace burnt out lightbulbs, etc. He would still do handy-man type stuff in her home for some time after they split up because she didn't have anyone else to do it and his kids lived there, so why not?! But after we got together he stopped doing that kind of stuff. He stopped all on his own, not because I asked him to stop, because he knew it was inappropriate to have a "joblist" at "their" house, even though his kids still lived there, because it was no longer his home. She had a hard time with that, but eventually she bought a new house and, apparently, there's not much that needs done anymore.

2) After their third child, she got fixed. DH did not. When she remarried, she couldn't have a child with her new husband. When he remarried, he COULD and DID have another child with me. Plus, he adopted my son. He never offically adopted the child she conceived with someone else via an affair, although he did agree to put his name on the birth certificate. That had to have smarted. I found out that she consulted a fertility specialist to have her tubes untied, but apparently, they were knotted good and sound because she hasn't yet reproduced and I don't think she ever can. She had a really hard time with that, to the point of taking him back to court for more CS. (She ended up with much less.) I think, as she's gotten older, the baby thing probably wore off and she's achieved some comfort knowing that we will ALWAYS pay the CS, no matter how many kids WE have together, no matter what else happens, the CS always gets paid. I think she also realizes that I accept the child that's not biologically his and that DH, too, will always think of her as "his" kid.

3) There was some heartburn because I'm pretty hands on and treated her kids just like I did my own. They didn't just like me, they LOVED me and she didn't much like that. But I can understand that and have never been in her face about it. I've been respectful of her position as the MOM, even though she's never much liked me being the STEPMOM. I don't think she was thrilled to have me there mothering her kids during DH's visitation. She probably felt like I was trying to take her place. I think over time she's come to accept that I'm here to stay, that I do love her children, that I know I'm not their mother, that I would never try to come between her and them, that I want to include them in our family, that I would never alienate them from their dad, that I think of them as adding to our family rather than taking away from it and that I genuinely care about them and intend to be there for them throughout their lives. I've taken a lot of crap from her and from them, but I haven't stopped loving them, so maybe she's finally realized that my feelings for them come from the heart and are not superficial.

4) She's always been very secretive, not wanting us to have info about the kids, like report cards, medical records, etc. I think she was afraid we'd find out that she's a bad mother. Well, we never thought she was a "bad" mother, exactly, but it's never been a secret that she wasn't perfect, either. We used to try really hard to get this info on our own, just so that we could stay in the loop and make sure all the doctor's bills got paid and the teachers knew that we wanted to be included. Over time, though, we've let all that go because we got sick of the screaming phone calls from her that we were overstepping. DH doesn't share legal or physical custody, he only has visitation rights. So we decided to let her "win" that battle and we just stopped trying. If she wants the bills paid, she can send 'em. If she doesn't, she doesn't get any money. Problem solved, stress avoided on both sides.

5) The last hostility-causing problem has always been visitation. We lived five hours away and he was supposed to get the kids EOW, two weeks in the summer and alternating holidays. We've had them on Christmas ONE time in SIX years and that is THE only holiday we've ever gotten them. Not one single Father's Day, not one single birthday, not one single Thanksgiving, not even one single Fourth of Freaking July. This used to cause MAJOR heartburn, screaming matches on the phone, abusive emails, withholding of visitation for over a year at a time, etc. Then we moved several states away and can't get the kids for visitation, anyway. Now that we are no longer asking to get them, she can't deny him anymore and that problem has been resolved.

It sucks, because the skids are only in our lives via telephone and email. We send presents, cards, gifts, etc. on special occasion. DH doesn't call them enough and they don't call him hardly at all, but that has gotten better. I email them regularly, although I seldom hear back from them. The BM did send school pictures this year, which were the first pictures we've seen of the kids in two years. It's not a great situation, because we miss them a lot and want them to be a regular part of our family, but we don't have anywhere near as much BM drama as we did before.

Time and distance is what improved our situation with the BM, but it's also what has worsened oru situation with the skids. Sad, but true.

~ Anne ~

"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other." -Walter Elliot

Mocha2001's picture

Anne, I can only hope that if things don't improve with our situation that we can learn to let things go too. I don't know that I can - not in my personality. But I know I need to, and will try ...

~ Katrina