Looking for Opinions-A Post from the BM Side of the Fence
My ex and I divorced shortly after ourr BS (now 17) turned 3. BD never had much to do with BS unless he was with someone who encouraged him to exercise visitation. He was in a relationship for about 10 years with someone who was verbally and emotionally abusive to BS, and I spent the entire time and tens of thousands of dollars in court trying to get him out of there. (Unfortunately, the family court judge I had was seriously father's rights-centered). When BS turned 13, the GF finally broke off that relationship but the damage to BS and his father's relationship had already been done. BS continued to see his father once a week for the next couple years, then stopped. He's been seeing BD for the occasional dinner for the past year, but that's it. He has no interest.
Bs has made it very clear that when he graduates from HS next month, he does not want BD there at the ceremony itself or his graduation party. I see his point. His father never defended him against his former "SM," who gives all of us on here a very bad name. She was just selfish and evil to the core. He has never really shown any interest in BS as a person; all he wants to talk about is weightlifting and which random 20-year-old he's taking to the movies this week. (Fortunately, BS is a mature, responsible, independent young adult with a phenomenal sense of humor who's well-adjusted despite all this.)
Here's my take: If BS doesn't want his father there, that's his right. He's an adult cutting another (toxic) adult out of his life. He's learned boundaries well. I completely understand where he's coming from considering where he's been. BUT... Is it his father's right to attend at least the graduation ceremony? Should I encourage BS to give him a ticket? Do you think he'll regret it later?
Opinions much appreciated!
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Comments
Tell your son it's his
Tell your son it's his decision...
"just remember whatever you decide, you are the one who lives with the consequences of that. If this is something down the road you think you will regret, take that into consideration before making your final decision. You are making an adult decision, that is okay, just make sure you can live with the outcome"
He will regret it later for
He will regret it later for sure. He doesn't have to talk to his dad at the ceremony if he doesn't want to, and he can make it clear to his dad that he doesn't want to talk, but his father should at least be given the courtesy to see his son graduate if he wants to.
I wouldn't take that away from him. Especially if this is his only child, or the first one to graduate.
This is what I was thinking.
This is what I was thinking. I think he should invite his dad. Nothing says, they have to hug and kiss and take pictures, just allow the guy to be there if he so chooses. Heck, maybe Dad won't be bothered. I would encourage your son to be the bigger person here.
I'd encourage (but not FORCE)
I'd encourage (but not FORCE) your BS to give his BD a ticket to go see him graduate but also tell him that you will support his decision to NOT invite BD to the graduation party.
^^^^^THIS^^^^^ I was in the
^^^^^THIS^^^^^
I was in the same predicament with my daughter--her father showed ZERO interest in being a parent. Paternal grandpa and biodad's 2nd wife encouraged that he exercise visitation. For 2nd wife, it was more of a vicarious thing because she wanted children and he didn't. I felt sorry for her actually. My daughter graduated HS back in 2000. If he showed up he didn't make his presence known (it's a pretty big school).
I almost had the same issue with my son, but my 2nd husband passed away before BS graduated back in 2005.
And now, biodad that I'm living with has his oldest graduating from HS (just barely passing with the help of summer school) this June. I'm expecting NO invitation whatsoever for biodad as OSS PASed out completely over six years ago with zero contact other than a reunification attempt that went sour back in March 2012.
I have been leaning toward
I have been leaning toward encouraging him to let Dad attend the cermeony, but supporting his decision not to invite him to the party. There will be thousands of people at the ceremony, as BS has close to 800 kids in his class. The party will be about 50-75 people at our house.
BS felt bad because his paternal grandparents said they'd boycott both if Dad isn't invited, and he'd like them there, but not if Dad will be there.
I couldn't care less if he comes to the ceremony. It's not like I'd have to hang out with him or even see him. I hate the effer, God help me, but I've always tried to be fair and put my son first. He is BD's only child, so I need to think about that.
Whoa, that's a bit much - the
Whoa, that's a bit much - the paternal GP's I mean. There are going to be lots of events in BS's life that he may choose to go through without his dad - marriage, child christening, whatever. So caving now to the GP's sets a pattern.
I think that your suggestion works, and it's not up to BS to ensure GP's come, just to invite them. It's their choice to show up or not.
Seems like he's an adult and
Seems like he's an adult and can make his own decisions however, it's only right that HE delivers the news to his father so that you're not caught in the middle...another lesson in adulthood. If you're going to remove someone from your life, be a grown-up and don't leave the conversation for another adult (like mom) to clean up.
Oh, he has no problem
Oh, he has no problem speaking his mind directly to the person who needs to hear it. No worries there!
We had custody of SS18 for
We had custody of SS18 for the last 4 years, we did our best to get him through high school while tying to reach him through the previous 14 years his BM PAS'ed him. In April things exploded at our house & SS18 moved out & left no way to contact him & he removed us from all things school related. We had planned to attend graduation... until it all exploded. Now we're just picking up our lives & trying to move on without him in our lives. The PAS was too much & he'd rather live his life as a victim.
I feel differently. I think
I feel differently. I think it is very important that we instill in our children that there are going to be people they dont prefer, and things they are going to have to do in life because they are the right thing to do. They arent going to like everyone. I dont like my boss and my boss doesnt like me but that doesnt mean they are not my boss. He doesnt like his Dad's actions but that doesnt mean he is not still his Dad
Let Dad come to graduation. Your son doesnt have to speak to him if he chooses not to that is between his father and himself.
Do not include your Ex in the graduation party. That graduation party is for your son and his guests that he chooses to celebrate.
Now if your SON opts not to have his father at graduation then that is fine but he would have to be man enough to go face to face with his father and tell exactly why he does not want him at graduation. If he is capable of making that kind of an adult decision then he needs to face the conversation that comes along with that. And your Ex has a right to hear how your son feels and make his own choice whether he wants to rectify your sons actions with his reaction or not
Relationships, no matter
Relationships, no matter between who, go through cycles. There were periods of time when I was growing up where I couldn't stand different members of my family and wanted nothing to do with them. If I had acted on those times, regardless of whether or not I was in the right, then my relationship with them would have eventually went up in flames.
I'm glad I didn't.
I didn't want my uncles/aunts at my wedding for what they did to my parents (long story, defrauded them out of a heck of a lot of money) but my parents did, and out of respect for my parents, I conceded, because in the grand scheme of things, it didn't matter to me if they were there or not, I didn't have to interact a lot with them, or anything, and they were cordial to me. I knew it was the last chance my dad had to repair his relationship with his younger brothers (they hadn't spoken in close to 10 years.) People do change, people can become different, I think no matter how much you might be angry at a person, if you don't HATE them, then there's something to be salvaged. I think a lot of times we confuse anger with hate, but those are two different things.
So I would encourage it.