It is finally the skids day. 12 years of school and done, let them decide who they want to invite and you go out and enjoy yourself relieved of having to sit in a hot auditorium, for four hours with BM.
Though I do have to wonder: why skids get to pick and choose and why we can't tell our DH's/ SO's after the kids turn 18 "I only want you and me living here, the kid graduated, time to go!"
The reason it's a question is because even though I won't be going unless step son changes his mind and invites me (and I'm not expecting that), I'm still left to sort this message out.
Is it best to not discuss the topic at all?
Is it best for his dad to discuss the reason with him? He says he plans to but I want him to be gentle as it's possible SS is hurting.
Is it best for me to tell SS that I understand and am not offended?
Or is it a learning opportunity to tell SS it's not generally okay to exlude family members from significant events?
If it is okay to exlude family from your Grad, are there also other events when it's okay to exlude family? What about weddings?
Bottom line is I don't want this to harm my long-term relationship with SS as we have not had any conflicts before and it's a big challenge to pretend it's all good. SS has a history of not discussing his feelings with people and pretending everything is fine. It is a bit out of character for him to assert himself in this way as he normally avoids conflict. I also have a child who is excluded from the event and would have enjoyed it but she can handle it and gets along well with SS.
I think it's the swame as when a woman gives birth. It's her call on who can be there on the big day. Many SMs want that day to be about them, the newborn and any other kids they may have. The steps aren't a part of that special time.
I view graduations in the same light.
Of course dad may opt not to attend without his wife.
Both are family events. In both cases, the main players are making it clear who they view as family members. They are making the choice to exclude the "outsider."
When all is said and done husband/dad is the one who gets hurt.
Maybe I was so focussed on my own hurt that I didn't realize the hurt is intended to be targetted at the dad because he can't bring his wife (me). Interesting perspective.
Your point about the dad opting to not attend without his wife is really not an option because I know how important it is for him to attend and I would never make him choose between us that way.
I'd stay home, but I get your feelings. My ss18 has invited me along with SO, grandma, bro, bm, bm's bf and bm's parents. So here I go to a stuffy event I'd RATHER NOT GO TO. I'd love to stay home or go to the spa but I'm going ONLY for SO's sake.
Oh and what's really sad for SS18 is that his mom will show up LATE drunk off her gord and be a huge embarrassment to us all and especially ss18. Why he;s even inviting her I don't know. LAst fall she always showed up at his football games drunk and to his homecoming where he was king late and drunk and wasn't there to receive the rose and so he stood alone and then at half time gave the rose to his girlfriend. it was sad for me to see him standing alone while his whole team had parents standing by his side. SO felt bad but wanted ss to see how low down skum his mom is but he still doesn't get it. how kids will still love a parent like that is beyond me. Then there are us smoms who put so much into these kids and we either don't get invited to events or we get treated like shit. I don't like my ss18 but sometimes I think about how his mom treats hima nd it makes me hate a person where I don't usually hate. I'm not a hater but she's made me hate as well as my ex has made me hate.
Ok, that was a venting dump - sorry. lol I feel better now
You bring up some key issues: love versus hate. Love is built on trust over time. It's sad that kids are raised amongst so much hate and mistrust between aliented parents.
This reply was intended for the comment above the last one...
I assume SO is the dad. Good for your ss18 for wanting everyone to be there. I'm envious of your situation because this is as it should be and it's important for family to celebrate the big moments together.
I assume SO is the dad. Good for your ss18 for wanting everyone to be there. I'm envious of your situation because this is as it should be and it's important for family to celebrate the big moments together.
Thanks everyone. I am new here and do not know what all your acronyms stand for (DH10 etc.!) Is there a key somewhere? LOL. To answer your question janeyc "how does it make me feel to be excluded"? Shocked, hurt, angry, bewildered but after processing this for a few days I am coming to understand and accept like any bad news that blindsides us. The most helpful way I can look at this is that it's not really about me and my ego. It's about his parents not doing their homework. They raised their kids in a mutually hateful and disrespectful co-parent situation. They do not communicate except through their kids for the most part now. How would a child feel going to their grad ceremony knowing that the parents who hate eachother and who he loves are going to be facing eachother? Pretty stressful I imagine. He's doing damage control by keeping the relatively new wife out (me) because he probably thinks that if I went that would just make it more stressful for his mom. It's also possible that he dislikes and resents me in particular but he's not a vindictive sort of person, so I choose to believe the former scenario.
I can understand how you might feel. I know if it were me, I would feel hurt and unappreciated.
Some have pointed out that you will get to miss a long and boring graduation, which is true. However, if this is a kid who you have always had a pretty good relationship with, I know that you would rather have been invited. If what you suspect is true (he wants to make it less stressful for his bio-mom) then it's still not fair to you to be the one left out. If his mom can't be a grown-up and get along with you in these situations, that's her problem. He's not doing anyone any favors by excluding you.
Bottom line, you were not invited, so you should not go. I would not say anything to him, negative or positive. I don't think you should tell him that you understand, that will just make him feel like he made the right decision to exlude you. Just go do something for yourself that day.
Thanks it does seem difficult to discuss so chances are I will not. I'm just concerned that if my husband discusses it with his son(which he plans to), what may or may not come out. He has always had a hard time drawing his son out to try to get him to discuss his feelings. My husband plans to tell him you get to win this one but in the future if you invite me to something you have to invite my wife too. I think this may be to harsh a message and so I may discourage him from delivering it that way.
We have been together for several years though married for less. I have only met the BM once and it was cordial. There may however be some hidden conflict though I'm not sure. I offered to pay for something that was needed for one of thd Skids and that her parents seemed not to be able to afford and the message came back from the Skid that thanks but it wasn't necessary and wasn't my job (in other words it was my husband's job). I think my offer was threatening in some way to the BM. In the end they extracted half the money from my husband anyway even though he doesn't have the money in the bank and so it really comes from me one way or the other.
Don't be insulted. You're a step-parent - second rate at best - most likely zero rate. That's the way it is. When they bring home the girl/boy they want to marry then you can come into your own as you can cultivate a relationship with the opposite member.
This makes your step kid recognize his/her own feelings as he has to explain them to his/her chosen one. Not to speak of the maturity they've gained.
Your day MAY come. Emphasize may but until they're grown you have no part in their life and often that's best for you.
Thanks, interesting possibility re becoming closer to the future partners of the Skids. I can see that working because they come into the situation as neutral parties and without the resentment the Skids may harbour sub consciously if not concsiously.
I think these are situations that can and do arouse strong feelings in people, and sometimes take bandages off of wounds for some.
What is your relationship like with SS' mom? If it's a tense one, maybe he figured that he shouldn't invite you. Everyone wants their mom at their graduation, and he's no exception.
I have heard nothing but negative things about her from my husband but then he was very hurt by her as she was unfaithful, so I try to remain somewhat open-minded as I do not know her.
You are right that there is a limit but he is further limiting to to just two. But it's possible that this was part of his reason for trying to keep things simple somehow in his mind?
I think it's a 50/50 possibility that either he dreamed this up for reasons of his own or that he was put up to it in some way. Kids have a history of protecting their mom so it's unlikely he would ever admit being put up to it. He lives with his mom now so she who pays the piper calls the tune.
I'm interested to read about some cases where the father has stuck up for the wife and insisted they both go. My husband has not done this though he probably would if I insisted. His general approach is to give in to his ex-wife rather than rock the boat. Any time it's been possible to avoid seeing him at children's events, the ex-wife has orchestated it so they would attend on separate days. For the grad, that's not possible, but it sounds like she's controlling what she can control, which would be keeping me away if not her husband. Is it worth forcing myself on the issue? No, but interesting to read another thread on here on the same topic where they did go to battle and win and have the whole family attend.
My only concern is that he is setting the stage for future things. Find out WHY you are not invited in a calm fashion. If its just a limited ticket thing or if this the trend of the future. Are you going to the after party events?
I would discuss with your DH if this is how its going to be going forward and ask him how he thinkgs that makes you feel.
If its a reasonable reason, don't go, but don't stay home, do something fun for yourself.
I have discussed it exhaustively with my husband. (Does DH stand for divorced husband or dad-husband??) We are certainly aware about the setting the stage for future events angle and also are of course interested in finding out what is really behind this. So my husband will probably have a gentle conversation with his son, however he has a history of trying to draw his son out emotionally and not being successful with getting information. In the end he can try, but we may never know if this was really his son's preference or his son's mom being the puppet master behind the scenes. The kids do have a history of protecting mom.
I'm not aware of any grad after events, I think it's just the ceremony we are talking about.
p.s. you are right the "Why" is the key question. News has come back that the BM has pretty much positioned things via her kids that "The grad is for family only and not step-family."
But really what is not explained is the "Why". Not sure if we will ever get a rational answer on that one because there probably isn't one is there?
What do you mean that you and his children are not equals hypovic? Do you mean you are more important in his life than they are? Perhaps a better way of putting it would be that you are equally important and he shouldn't be forced to choose one over the other. At least if it is put that way to the kids, it's not offensive to them and they might get it.
The important thing is you and your husband are in agreement and he doesn't care about the loss of relations with his kids. My case is different as the kids are hugely important to my husband and he is not willing to sacrifice that, nor have I asked him to. We'll see what the future holds...
In my case for whatever reason, the SS who is a nice kid has appealed to his dad to make it mom and dad only. He would not do this if his mom hadn't put him up to it. It is out of sensitivity to the vulnerable position he's in with regards to his mom, that my husband is not pushing things. I'm not pushing things much either because to do that would be to possibly ask my husband to sacrifice his son's happiness at his grad or create tension between them. At the end of the day the BM is in the wrong but we don't think it's worth making the point to prove her wrong as we want things to go smoothly for the SS on his big day. Not fair that kids should be caught in the middle.
It shouldn't cause a "sacrifice" for your DH to put you in your position as wife. That is false, putting the kids in a position where they control what Daddy does with his life. It doesn't work!!! They need to accept the facts, that their parents are divorced, and life goes on. Any time a parent has to dance to his kids tune to keep a "relationship" that is not a real one, IMHO. Would your DH ask his kids, don't get married so you can continue to focus on me? Of course not.
But if not the issue... Don't go... When he gets older he'll see what he did was wrong. Sometimes we have to wait years for someone to see something. Do the right thing and do as he has asked, going would only make him feel like you are out to go against him.
BUT!!!! I would throw a big party for him waiting for it to be over lol...
Thanks, I won't be going. I guess the challenge is trying to get past the exclusion enough to motivate oneself to throw parties, buy gifts and kill with kindness (all good ideas). Some people are better actors than others. I agree that in the future it will become apparent that excluding is not a nice way to approach things, particularly if this young person should grow up to be a step parent themselves one day!
My husband has now had a chance to ask his son the why question and the answer came back that it's just less complicated to have his parents only at the grad. Little do some kids realize that it actually starts to create a whole lot more complications to start excluding people than to include them.
One of my concerns about this whole experience is that it can create tension between spouses too if you are not careful. I think my husband would like me to pretend the event is not happening as he has taken the position of defending his son's choice rather than making waves.
Funny how people give such different advice on this topc, one of my friends has urged me to be kind, give gift etc. but then she's never been a step mom. She pointed out that as an auntie she's been excluded from things, and she knows of grandmothers who are feeling that way too.
My concern would be is this a singular event or is this going to be a pattern. Will you also be excluded from college graduation, the wedding, etc.? Personally, unless it's an issue of limited tickets, I would go and set the precedent that his family is no longer just mom, dad and son. Like it or not, you are here to stay and are not second string!
Well I should have mentioned that my husband's approach was to tell his son, that in the future I would not be excluded from invites and that's the way it would be going forward after this event. He could have taken the approach to make that point with this event, but he did not and quite frankly I think he's intimidated on some level by his ex and doesn't want to upset his son above all else. I can't force myself onto the event without my husband's support.
So, if you were not invited to the ceremony but were invited to go to a restaurant instead, would you go? My husband expects me to but I don't much feel like it. It seems a bit of a slap in the face that my husband would be seated with his previous family at the grad and I would not be welcome to attend. I don't wish to create a childish scene and spoil anyone's grad event either.
Yes the restaurant meal is to celebrate but it's not happening the same evening as ceremony. Perhaps it's an effort to appease the situation of excluding step family from the actual grad. DH would certainly want to attend all of the above and not miss them and expects me to attend if invited and to not attend if not invited. He believes I should be long suffering, as he sees the step mothers and talk of disengagement on this site as very self-centred. He's a step parent himself to my child and has taken a fair bit of shit in that role but he says the trick is to have no expectations.
I think it makes you consistent. I would also admire someone who could manage to not be offended by not being invited and could pleasantly celebrate at the restaurant but I'm not sure how that's possible.
This just in: apparently news has trickled out that the SS is upset thinking he's let people down now. I had assumed the BM had orchestrated this thing but now it seems she had wanted to bring her partner to the event so the SS has been the one holding tough that he wants it his way (parents only). DH is also being told that he has made SS feel bad, although he had not thought he had made him feel guilty, just explained that in future I would have to be invited to all other events.
I wouldn't attend. Matter of
I wouldn't attend.
Matter of fact, that's exactly what I did when SD pulled this.
I have to agree. It is
I have to agree.
It is finally the skids day. 12 years of school and done, let them decide who they want to invite and you go out and enjoy yourself relieved of having to sit in a hot auditorium, for four hours with BM.
Though I do have to wonder: why skids get to pick and choose and why we can't tell our DH's/ SO's after the kids turn 18 "I only want you and me living here, the kid graduated, time to go!"
The reason it's a question is
The reason it's a question is because even though I won't be going unless step son changes his mind and invites me (and I'm not expecting that), I'm still left to sort this message out.
Is it best to not discuss the topic at all?
Is it best for his dad to discuss the reason with him? He says he plans to but I want him to be gentle as it's possible SS is hurting.
Is it best for me to tell SS that I understand and am not offended?
Or is it a learning opportunity to tell SS it's not generally okay to exlude family members from significant events?
If it is okay to exlude family from your Grad, are there also other events when it's okay to exlude family? What about weddings?
Bottom line is I don't want this to harm my long-term relationship with SS as we have not had any conflicts before and it's a big challenge to pretend it's all good. SS has a history of not discussing his feelings with people and pretending everything is fine. It is a bit out of character for him to assert himself in this way as he normally avoids conflict. I also have a child who is excluded from the event and would have enjoyed it but she can handle it and gets along well with SS.
I would stay home. It's the
I would stay home. It's the kid's day.
I think it's the swame as when a woman gives birth. It's her call on who can be there on the big day. Many SMs want that day to be about them, the newborn and any other kids they may have. The steps aren't a part of that special time.
I view graduations in the same light.
Of course dad may opt not to attend without his wife.
Interesting analogy. A birth
Interesting analogy. A birth would be a significant but highly personal family event as one doesn't give birth in a theatre on stage thank god!
Both are family events. In
Both are family events. In both cases, the main players are making it clear who they view as family members. They are making the choice to exclude the "outsider."
When all is said and done husband/dad is the one who gets hurt.
Maybe I was so focussed on my
Maybe I was so focussed on my own hurt that I didn't realize the hurt is intended to be targetted at the dad because he can't bring his wife (me). Interesting perspective.
Your point about the dad opting to not attend without his wife is really not an option because I know how important it is for him to attend and I would never make him choose between us that way.
I'd stay home, but I get your
I'd stay home, but I get your feelings. My ss18 has invited me along with SO, grandma, bro, bm, bm's bf and bm's parents. So here I go to a stuffy event I'd RATHER NOT GO TO. I'd love to stay home or go to the spa but I'm going ONLY for SO's sake.
Oh and what's really sad for
Oh and what's really sad for SS18 is that his mom will show up LATE drunk off her gord and be a huge embarrassment to us all and especially ss18. Why he;s even inviting her I don't know. LAst fall she always showed up at his football games drunk and to his homecoming where he was king late and drunk and wasn't there to receive the rose and so he stood alone and then at half time gave the rose to his girlfriend. it was sad for me to see him standing alone while his whole team had parents standing by his side. SO felt bad but wanted ss to see how low down skum his mom is but he still doesn't get it. how kids will still love a parent like that is beyond me. Then there are us smoms who put so much into these kids and we either don't get invited to events or we get treated like shit. I don't like my ss18 but sometimes I think about how his mom treats hima nd it makes me hate a person where I don't usually hate. I'm not a hater but she's made me hate as well as my ex has made me hate.
Ok, that was a venting dump - sorry. lol I feel better now
You bring up some key issues:
You bring up some key issues: love versus hate. Love is built on trust over time. It's sad that kids are raised amongst so much hate and mistrust between aliented parents.
This reply was intended for
This reply was intended for the comment above the last one...
I assume SO is the dad. Good for your ss18 for wanting everyone to be there. I'm envious of your situation because this is as it should be and it's important for family to celebrate the big moments together.
I assume SO is the dad. Good
I assume SO is the dad. Good for your ss18 for wanting everyone to be there. I'm envious of your situation because this is as it should be and it's important for family to celebrate the big moments together.
I don't go to any of sd6's
I don't go to any of sd6's parties whatever, I would rather not see evil momma, I personally would not be bothered by this, how does it make you feel?
Thanks everyone. I am new
Thanks everyone. I am new here and do not know what all your acronyms stand for (DH10 etc.!) Is there a key somewhere? LOL. To answer your question janeyc "how does it make me feel to be excluded"? Shocked, hurt, angry, bewildered but after processing this for a few days I am coming to understand and accept like any bad news that blindsides us. The most helpful way I can look at this is that it's not really about me and my ego. It's about his parents not doing their homework. They raised their kids in a mutually hateful and disrespectful co-parent situation. They do not communicate except through their kids for the most part now. How would a child feel going to their grad ceremony knowing that the parents who hate eachother and who he loves are going to be facing eachother? Pretty stressful I imagine. He's doing damage control by keeping the relatively new wife out (me) because he probably thinks that if I went that would just make it more stressful for his mom. It's also possible that he dislikes and resents me in particular but he's not a vindictive sort of person, so I choose to believe the former scenario.
I can understand how you
I can understand how you might feel. I know if it were me, I would feel hurt and unappreciated.
Some have pointed out that you will get to miss a long and boring graduation, which is true. However, if this is a kid who you have always had a pretty good relationship with, I know that you would rather have been invited. If what you suspect is true (he wants to make it less stressful for his bio-mom) then it's still not fair to you to be the one left out. If his mom can't be a grown-up and get along with you in these situations, that's her problem. He's not doing anyone any favors by excluding you.
Bottom line, you were not invited, so you should not go. I would not say anything to him, negative or positive. I don't think you should tell him that you understand, that will just make him feel like he made the right decision to exlude you. Just go do something for yourself that day.
Thanks it does seem difficult
Thanks it does seem difficult to discuss so chances are I will not. I'm just concerned that if my husband discusses it with his son(which he plans to), what may or may not come out. He has always had a hard time drawing his son out to try to get him to discuss his feelings. My husband plans to tell him you get to win this one but in the future if you invite me to something you have to invite my wife too. I think this may be to harsh a message and so I may discourage him from delivering it that way.
We have been together for
We have been together for several years though married for less. I have only met the BM once and it was cordial. There may however be some hidden conflict though I'm not sure. I offered to pay for something that was needed for one of thd Skids and that her parents seemed not to be able to afford and the message came back from the Skid that thanks but it wasn't necessary and wasn't my job (in other words it was my husband's job). I think my offer was threatening in some way to the BM. In the end they extracted half the money from my husband anyway even though he doesn't have the money in the bank and so it really comes from me one way or the other.
Don't be insulted. You're a
Don't be insulted. You're a step-parent - second rate at best - most likely zero rate. That's the way it is. When they bring home the girl/boy they want to marry then you can come into your own as you can cultivate a relationship with the opposite member.
This makes your step kid recognize his/her own feelings as he has to explain them to his/her chosen one. Not to speak of the maturity they've gained.
Your day MAY come. Emphasize may but until they're grown you have no part in their life and often that's best for you.
Thanks, interesting
Thanks, interesting possibility re becoming closer to the future partners of the Skids. I can see that working because they come into the situation as neutral parties and without the resentment the Skids may harbour sub consciously if not concsiously.
I think these are situations
I think these are situations that can and do arouse strong feelings in people, and sometimes take bandages off of wounds for some.
What is your relationship like with SS' mom? If it's a tense one, maybe he figured that he shouldn't invite you. Everyone wants their mom at their graduation, and he's no exception.
I have only met her once -
I have only met her once - see more details above.
Just did. BM may be the sort
Just did. BM may be the sort of person who makes passive-aggressive digs at people. If she is, she certainly would do that to you.
I have heard nothing but
I have heard nothing but negative things about her from my husband but then he was very hurt by her as she was unfaithful, so I try to remain somewhat open-minded as I do not know her.
See my reply above to your
See my reply above to your last.
You are right that there is a
You are right that there is a limit but he is further limiting to to just two. But it's possible that this was part of his reason for trying to keep things simple somehow in his mind?
I didn't read all of the
I didn't read all of the comments, so someone else may have already brought this up:
Did BM put him up to it? Maybe it's not his choice at all, but he's been pressured into it. Just sayin'...
I think it's a 50/50
I think it's a 50/50 possibility that either he dreamed this up for reasons of his own or that he was put up to it in some way. Kids have a history of protecting their mom so it's unlikely he would ever admit being put up to it. He lives with his mom now so she who pays the piper calls the tune.
yes it's a 50/50 chance he
yes it's a 50/50 chance he might have been put up to it I'd say.
So clearly it was the BM
So clearly it was the BM trying to pull strings to prevent you from attending.
I would be glad to miss it,
I would be glad to miss it, if you are not invited. I would also return the favor-!! but I am just rude like that
I'm interested to read about
I'm interested to read about some cases where the father has stuck up for the wife and insisted they both go. My husband has not done this though he probably would if I insisted. His general approach is to give in to his ex-wife rather than rock the boat. Any time it's been possible to avoid seeing him at children's events, the ex-wife has orchestated it so they would attend on separate days. For the grad, that's not possible, but it sounds like she's controlling what she can control, which would be keeping me away if not her husband. Is it worth forcing myself on the issue? No, but interesting to read another thread on here on the same topic where they did go to battle and win and have the whole family attend.
In our case, it's not even a
In our case, it's not even a question. DH insists that BM and the kids recognize me as his wife. He certainly has never kowtowed to her.
My only concern is that he is
My only concern is that he is setting the stage for future things. Find out WHY you are not invited in a calm fashion. If its just a limited ticket thing or if this the trend of the future. Are you going to the after party events?
I would discuss with your DH if this is how its going to be going forward and ask him how he thinkgs that makes you feel.
If its a reasonable reason, don't go, but don't stay home, do something fun for yourself.
I have discussed it
I have discussed it exhaustively with my husband. (Does DH stand for divorced husband or dad-husband??) We are certainly aware about the setting the stage for future events angle and also are of course interested in finding out what is really behind this. So my husband will probably have a gentle conversation with his son, however he has a history of trying to draw his son out emotionally and not being successful with getting information. In the end he can try, but we may never know if this was really his son's preference or his son's mom being the puppet master behind the scenes. The kids do have a history of protecting mom.
I'm not aware of any grad after events, I think it's just the ceremony we are talking about.
p.s. you are right the "Why"
p.s. you are right the "Why" is the key question. News has come back that the BM has pretty much positioned things via her kids that "The grad is for family only and not step-family."
But really what is not explained is the "Why". Not sure if we will ever get a rational answer on that one because there probably isn't one is there?
What do you mean that you and
What do you mean that you and his children are not equals hypovic? Do you mean you are more important in his life than they are? Perhaps a better way of putting it would be that you are equally important and he shouldn't be forced to choose one over the other. At least if it is put that way to the kids, it's not offensive to them and they might get it.
The important thing is you
The important thing is you and your husband are in agreement and he doesn't care about the loss of relations with his kids. My case is different as the kids are hugely important to my husband and he is not willing to sacrifice that, nor have I asked him to. We'll see what the future holds...
In my case for whatever
In my case for whatever reason, the SS who is a nice kid has appealed to his dad to make it mom and dad only. He would not do this if his mom hadn't put him up to it. It is out of sensitivity to the vulnerable position he's in with regards to his mom, that my husband is not pushing things. I'm not pushing things much either because to do that would be to possibly ask my husband to sacrifice his son's happiness at his grad or create tension between them. At the end of the day the BM is in the wrong but we don't think it's worth making the point to prove her wrong as we want things to go smoothly for the SS on his big day. Not fair that kids should be caught in the middle.
It shouldn't cause a
It shouldn't cause a "sacrifice" for your DH to put you in your position as wife. That is false, putting the kids in a position where they control what Daddy does with his life. It doesn't work!!! They need to accept the facts, that their parents are divorced, and life goes on. Any time a parent has to dance to his kids tune to keep a "relationship" that is not a real one, IMHO. Would your DH ask his kids, don't get married so you can continue to focus on me? Of course not.
Good point just-a-mom But if
Good point just-a-mom
But if not the issue... Don't go... When he gets older he'll see what he did was wrong. Sometimes we have to wait years for someone to see something. Do the right thing and do as he has asked, going would only make him feel like you are out to go against him.
BUT!!!! I would throw a big party for him waiting for it to be over lol...
KILL THEM WITH KINDNESS!!!
Thanks, I won't be going. I
Thanks, I won't be going. I guess the challenge is trying to get past the exclusion enough to motivate oneself to throw parties, buy gifts and kill with kindness (all good ideas). Some people are better actors than others. I agree that in the future it will become apparent that excluding is not a nice way to approach things, particularly if this young person should grow up to be a step parent themselves one day!
My husband has now had a
My husband has now had a chance to ask his son the why question and the answer came back that it's just less complicated to have his parents only at the grad. Little do some kids realize that it actually starts to create a whole lot more complications to start excluding people than to include them.
One of my concerns about this whole experience is that it can create tension between spouses too if you are not careful. I think my husband would like me to pretend the event is not happening as he has taken the position of defending his son's choice rather than making waves.
Funny how people give such different advice on this topc, one of my friends has urged me to be kind, give gift etc. but then she's never been a step mom. She pointed out that as an auntie she's been excluded from things, and she knows of grandmothers who are feeling that way too.
My concern would be is this a
My concern would be is this a singular event or is this going to be a pattern. Will you also be excluded from college graduation, the wedding, etc.? Personally, unless it's an issue of limited tickets, I would go and set the precedent that his family is no longer just mom, dad and son. Like it or not, you are here to stay and are not second string!
Well I should have mentioned
Well I should have mentioned that my husband's approach was to tell his son, that in the future I would not be excluded from invites and that's the way it would be going forward after this event. He could have taken the approach to make that point with this event, but he did not and quite frankly I think he's intimidated on some level by his ex and doesn't want to upset his son above all else. I can't force myself onto the event without my husband's support.
So, if you were not invited
So, if you were not invited to the ceremony but were invited to go to a restaurant instead, would you go? My husband expects me to but I don't much feel like it. It seems a bit of a slap in the face that my husband would be seated with his previous family at the grad and I would not be welcome to attend. I don't wish to create a childish scene and spoil anyone's grad event either.
Yes the restaurant meal is to
Yes the restaurant meal is to celebrate but it's not happening the same evening as ceremony. Perhaps it's an effort to appease the situation of excluding step family from the actual grad. DH would certainly want to attend all of the above and not miss them and expects me to attend if invited and to not attend if not invited. He believes I should be long suffering, as he sees the step mothers and talk of disengagement on this site as very self-centred. He's a step parent himself to my child and has taken a fair bit of shit in that role but he says the trick is to have no expectations.
I think it makes you
I think it makes you consistent. I would also admire someone who could manage to not be offended by not being invited and could pleasantly celebrate at the restaurant but I'm not sure how that's possible.
This just in: apparently news has trickled out that the SS is upset thinking he's let people down now. I had assumed the BM had orchestrated this thing but now it seems she had wanted to bring her partner to the event so the SS has been the one holding tough that he wants it his way (parents only). DH is also being told that he has made SS feel bad, although he had not thought he had made him feel guilty, just explained that in future I would have to be invited to all other events.