Love
Well after reading through this site and wrestling with my own demons, I think it all comes down to love (or the lack of it). If we love our step-kids or can find a way to open our hearts to them, that should be the answer, no? One person on this forum fought long and hard along with her husband to attend an event she wasn't invited to. Then she said there was no love in her heart when she came face to face with the step child at the important event. Is it a hollow victory then to win these battles and be allowed to show up if there is no genuine love and caring in your heart?
This is our challenge. To constantly turn the other cheek and to find a way to give when nothing is being given in return. To deal with the hurt by not turning inward and creating a cold heart but by somehow, somehow keeping an open heart.
I welcome your thoughts and advice. There are those who have turned away and disengaged from step-kids because it was a no-win situation but has anyone refused to give up, refused to remain cynical and angry and resentful?
Has anything worked?
Well said dtzyblnd it's
Well said dtzyblnd it's important to be clear that disengaging is not necessarily non-benevolent, you explained that very well I thought and clarified how I thought.
Sounds like you have been
Sounds like you have been deployed yourself on the hard road of family battles and have gained some wisdom along the way! thanks for sharing...
I am completely on the same
I am completely on the same page as you. My SDs 6&8 dont turn away my affection and they always say they love me. It's I that has a problem loving and being affectionate to them. (I feel due to their behavioral issues.) But, like you, I have created a wall and I don't offer SM SD days out or other emotionally bonding experiences. I just dont want that. I do, however, treat them just as I do my biodaughter. In their eyes there is no difference between them and my BD. Because of the environment that they are exposed to when they are not in my care (we only have them every other weekend) they just have no consideration or respect for other people or each other. Example, earlier today SO took popsicles outside to the skids as a treat. SO handed both popsicles to SD6 and told her to give one to her sister (SD8). SD6 then reaches her arm out towards SD8 with popsicle in hand. As SD8 goes to grab the popsicle SD6 drops it on the ground. Accident or spitefullness? Who knows. These two are very unpredictable and hateful. I've tried incentives like, gifts, craft time, later bed times, trips to museums and the like to try to get a little change in their awful habits. I would see a temporary improvement. But once they obtain the gift, late bed time, museum trip, etc. they turn back to little monsters.(lol) So they have made it very difficult for me to love them, or even like them. I don't treat them badly, I just have no desire to have any kind of mother/daughter relationship with them. I do what is minimumally required to care for them, clean clothes, food, etc, but nothing more. I will no longer spend my time or money trying to find resolution with these kids. I am happier, more sane, and just overall much better off investing myself in my BD and being the very best mother I can be to her.
Thank you for sharing
Thank you for sharing Dtzyblnd.
You are by and large hearing
You are by and large hearing only the problems here. Success stories don't usually get published.
I've read several people stating that they have a good relationship with their step children and/or with the bio-mother and have no reason to disbelieve them.
Disengaging doesn't mean you harbor hate - you're just accepting reality. Children are immature and self-centered by nature. Immature simply because of age and self-centered due to survival instincts. If you threaten the stability they'll reject you and if their stability is threatened by unknown forces and you step into the picture.....well you can make the connection.
Don't dispare - just don't set up a fantasy world where you and your new love and steps are going to evolve into the perfect family if you just try hard enough. Odds are against you but face there are odds leaves the both sides open.
I know! I'm also excluded
I know! I'm also excluded from an event and part of me wants to fight hard and turn up but I know that would be on some level childish. I just have to give in on this one as that's what my husband wants me to do. But it certainly is a wake up call, as you say to be treated like shit. That's why I'm trying to bring it back towards love here rather than winning. We have to struggle hard to know that we are acting out of love rather than out of control. I struggle with it and I see a lot of people on here struggling with it as well.
The kids are older so it's
The kids are older so it's not really a custody thing at this point. One is away at college. I have a child of my own too. Right now the crisis is being excluded from my ss's grad -- I have started separate thread on that with more details under teen age step kids. It's been a big eye-opener and wake up call and then I found this site and realized how bad things really are out there!
This girl is only six years
This girl is only six years old you say? Do not give up on her yet. She's hardly out of diapers! Living with you will certainly mold her in new directions. If her mom has given up custody it really is up to you and your husband to raise this child lovingly. Not easy especially if she is horrid, but it's not hopeless either.
If you and her dad present a
If you and her dad present a united front this has to have an impact over time since you have custody of her. I know it's not easy because I watch my own child resist my husband as her step-dad (told me she hated him numerous times) just when I had almost given up that she would ever accept him, guess what, it is getting a bit better but has taken almost two years. Good luck...
I never wanted to disengage,
I never wanted to disengage, it just was'nt me, I'd previously been a sm before and thought I knew what to expect, ha ha not true, sd4 was a nightmare, I helped bf be a better more effective parent and the behavior improved, she started to want to be with me and asked my opinion, things were so much better, it was'nt easy it took a lot of effort and now its a all going down the pan, I don't know whats going on.
Thanks, it's a no win. Fight
Thanks, it's a no win. Fight to attend the grad and make life stressful for my husband, his child (who is probably worrying about his mom) or let it slide and as you say let people come between me and my husband attending things togther. This has been debated exhaustively on other threads started by me and others. I think it depends on so many factors including people's tolerance for conflict. I don't like conflict, the graduate doesn't like conflict and for those reasons alone I will probably bow out, though of course I would go if that's what my husband wanted, but he appears afraid to upset the apple cart too even though normally he tackles other types of non-family conflict head on.
Oh Julies! I just went
Oh Julies! I just went through my very first one of these situations last week. I feel for you so completely! I told my SO that I wasn't going to let BM or anyone else in her family control where I went or didn't go, not because she makes me crazy, but because I got tired of having to tell my SD9 and SD14 that I couldn't attend their functions. I love them tremendously (I don't have any Bkids of my own)and always felt like I was lying to them (I was) when I told them I couldn't come to their stuff.
Thanks to some great advice from these boards, I had a constructive, heartfelt and meaningful conversation with my SO, he totally understood my point. What was even better was that the night of SD9's concert, she came tearing up to me and gave me a huge hug. She was so happy to see me. Conflict or not, I won't be the one that in 10 years she says wasn't there for her.
Good luck!
Yes, it wouldn't be fair to
Yes, it wouldn't be fair to young kids to keep you away from their events when you are close. In this case, I have been told directly by the graduate, that he just wants his mom and dad there, so I haven't argued the point. We suspect his mother put him up to it of course but will probably never know...
Thanks for your advice and
Thanks for your advice and you are probably right that the first time one receives a rejection form a SK is probably the worst. But as for your situation, having raised a child of my own who is now a teen, I know that a little six year old can't possibly be a competitor and a monster they way some of these adult SDs are made out to be on here. I'm sure she would be delighted if you went to her play. She may be giving off hateful vibes that have led you not to care for her, but with a six year old it should be much easier to realize that she is hurting and not truly capable of great evil yet. When children get to age seven, that is the age they are capable of more duplicity and even start stealing sometimes but it's mostly experimental and they should get over it if they are not too insecure. A six year old has got to be cute sometimes, right? Just be glad you came along when she was young enough to fit into your lives.
Kids grow up fast. We don't
Kids grow up fast. We don't know what the future will hold, so try to take the big picture view rather than letting every little annoying thing about the kid get to you. I need to take the long range view too...
Thanks for the reality check.
Thanks for the reality check. All this talk about "disengage" lately and on here is going too far. "Disengage" is a current buzzword and I agree it's necessary when you are dealing with mentally ill and toxic family members. But not children. That would be cruel and unusual punishment.