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DH refuses to go on vacation without SD

Fullmoon's picture

 I've disenaged from SD since she basically ignores me now. I'm fighting fire with fire. She doesn't ackowledge me and I her. I told DH that from now on he will handel anything that in regards to SD. When she's at our home for the week, I tend to keep myself occupied or take BS out as much as possible. 

I want us to go Disney land. "Us" meaning DH, myself, and BS4. We've never gone on a vacation without SD before. Plus I do like  us to spend time as a family but DH refused unless SD would go. It's not like she's be missing out. She's gone to Disney land and Disney world mutiple times and just last summer BM took to her to Europe. Whereas BS hasn't been once. 

When I brought the idea to DH, the first thing he asked is we'll have to make sure it's when he has SD because he doesn't want to go without her. That pissed me off a little and asked about if this time it can only be the three of us and we can go another trip and bring SD another time. He shot it down instantly. 

Why can't we have special moments without SD?




ESMOD's picture

Managing a trip with a 15 yo and a 4 yo sounds like it would be tough.  Unfortunately.. this is one of those big ticket things that it's tough to exclude one child from.  Maybe wait a couple years until she is 18?

or get your DH to rope in his parents or something to handle the SD for the most part during the vacation.. maybe let her bring a friend?  4 people stuck in one hotel room when two don't get along? that will be hard.


Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

 You can but he has two children to consider. Some parents are ok with that and some parents’ aren’t. On top of this your disengagement towards the child puts him in a very difficult place. She KNOW’s you don’t want her around. You have set yourself apart from her and made it clear she isn’t a part of YOUR family. But she’s still HIS family. It’s a FAMILY trip. If he doesn’t take her she can easily interrupt it as him leaving her behind for his new family.

ndc's picture

SD might not be your family, but she's still his family, so in his mind a family vacation should include her.  If she goes, you'll probably be on two separate vacations anyway.  A 4 year old and a 15 year old are unlikely to want to do the same thing at Disney, so it wouldn't surprise me if your DH and SD went off to do teenage things (like attractions your DS isn't tall enough to ride) while you and DS do the things that interest him for much of the time.   Also, they might be on two different time schedules.  Most teenagers want to sleep in and stay out late.  Little kids tend to be up early and to bed early.  So you and DS might be at the parks for rope drop while DH and SD hit the evening Magic Hours.  If SD has been to Disney before, you might want to bring those things up with DH and make sure he's prepared to make this trip about DS and make sure that SD is willing to go along with DS's schedule and a lot of DS's choices, since it is his first trip.  He's at a great age for Disney!

notarelative's picture

I get why DH wants to bring her. But, there is a huge age difference in the children. So DH how is Disneyland going to work?

SD is 15. BE is 4. SD is too old to want to ride the rides BS will enjoy. So does BS not get to do them? (and remember SD did them at his age).

BS is too small (young) to go on the rides that SD is going to want to go in. Are we only doing rides they both can do?

Are we going to break apart in the park? You with Sd. Me with BS. If we do that you miss being with BS and being part of the excitement of his first time at Disney.

I'd press DH to explain the logistics of the trip. If you can put up with his plan go. If not, out the trip off until next year when hopefully SD has a summer job.

Personally, if my choices were vacationing with a 15 year old or not going, I'd choose not going. I once vacationed with a miserable 15 year old (my BS) who had wanted to stay home. I wished we had left him with my parents (who gladly would have supervised him). Instead we dragged a miserable teen with us. It was the vacation from Hades.



Jcksjj's picture

My family has a Disney vacation club membership so we've gone to Disney world alot. I've been there once with DH and SD and it was the worst vacation I've ever been on by far. So I get where you are coming from - it makes me really sad that I'll probably never get to go with my younger sons without SD there to suck the joy out of it. Because as of right now i dont see a way to not bring her on something that big. The best possible solution I have come up with is to stay at one of the resorts that have the free kids clubs for like 3 to 12 year olds so theres at least some breaks from her and at the same time it's something fun so shes not just being excluded. I think there might be some options like that for teens also? I know there is for sure on the Disney cruises. 

That being said I'm really hoping by the time she is 15 she will just say she doesnt want to go...I remember at 16 going on vacation and not really wanting to be there because I was more worried about my social life back home. But I would never have told my mom that. Your SD could feel the same way and DH doesnt know it.

Monkeysee's picture

I don’t understand why it’s so hard for some parents to accept that their family life still goes on when their previous children aren’t there. When you divorce, your kids (usually) go between two homes. This means sometimes they’ll miss out on things in one home & sometimes they’ll do fun things with one parent they don’t/can’t do with the other.

This includes vacations. 

I don’t believe skids need to come on every family vacation. I really don’t. It’s not always logistically feasible and I don’t believe the current family needs to be constantly held hostage to skids that way. 

If your DH is that dead set against going only if you take his precious kid & you don’t want to, then leave DH at home & have a fabulous time with your son. I would never agree to go on a holiday with a kid who doesn’t speak to me, but neither would I sit at home waiting for DH to change his mind. 

If he wants to baby his princess, that’s on him. Don’t let yourself & your kid suffer the consequences of his actions. If you want to go & have the means to go, then just book it & leave him home.

lieutenant_dad's picture

But on the other side of this coin is that all because the kid gets to do things at the other home, too, doesn't mean a parent doesn't also want to share memories on their time as well.

Plus, what happens if, using OP and DH as an example, they can only afford one vacation? Does that mean DH has to wait another year (or two) before he take a vacation with both of his kids?

And that's the other part. While OP may want a trip with just her son and DH, DH may want a trip with both his kids and his wife. 

It doesn't matter to DH that SD has been to Disney multiple times. It matters that he wants memories of a vacation with both of his kids - with his family. It's only 3 more years before SD is 18 and OP's DS will still be young enough to enjoy Disney (and old enough to actually get to do all of the rides). If she wants a kid-only vacation, that's the ideal time.

Unless OP is paying for the entire vacation out of her own pocket, she's going to have to give her DH some say in who goes. And asking that his other minor child tag along on a kid-oriented vacation isn't an obscure request.

Monkeysee's picture

I can absolutely see that side of the coin, and you’re right. However this kid doesn’t even speak to OP, and the DH allows it, which means there’s clearly a dysfunction within the family home that would find it’s way on the trip if SD were to come.

That might be fine for Dad, because he’d be spending time with both his kids, but I don’t see why the SM in this situation needs to spend all kinds of money to be around a kid who clearly doesn’t like her.

Personally, I wouldn’t do it. In my situation, it would depend entirely on logistics whether the boys came with us or not. We’ve gone on holidays both with & without the boys, and will continue to do so even after the baby is here. It’s never a matter of not wanting them to come, it’s always down to logistics.

If the kids & I didn’t see eye to eye & DH allowed them to be disrespectful, I wouldn’t agree to take them, but I wouldn’t stand in DH’s way either. I’d simply pack up my kid & go on the trip I wanted to go on with my own kid, and DH could go on his own trip with the kids if/when he felt like it.

SD is 15 & their son is young, so I can see OP’s DH wanting to make sure he gets trips in with her now. At the same time, SM’s  holidays & time away are important too, and she doesn’t need to spend money & limited holiday time with a kid who doesn’t like her.

It’s not all about what makes Dad happy, OP counts too. She can’t & shouldn't force her DH’s hand regarding SD, but she has options for herself as well. 

shellpell's picture

I completely agree with this. I don’t vacation with ss11 anymore after a particularly horrific vacation a couple of years ago. Since then, dh, our two kids and I have gone on vacation. Dh takes skid on his own occasionally. Works for us. While dad May want memories of all of his kids, op may want memories of vacation not tarnished by a disrespectful teen who doesn’t talk to her. I mean, really! Plus her ds is only 4, so she wants to spend time with him while he is young just the way I’m sure dad did with OPs skid when skid was young. If it’s so important to dad for him to spend time with all of his kids together then he should make sure skid is more respectful and plain nicer. Why would anyone want to go on a trip with someone who doesn’t like or respect them? 

GoingWicked's picture

I can see your DH's POV, and respect it.  I wouldn't exclude one of MY kids if I were going on vacation.  However, the way he lets SD treat me is unacceptable, I have very little desire to have her in my home, so I definitely do not want to spend time with her in a cramped hotel room.  Plus I'm the one that does all the travel plans, reservations, and scheduling around BM's time.  DH simply doesn't care enough to think of these things, and I go all out, all for SD to treat me like her punching bag.  SO, I've taken my kids to Disney and many, many other places and left SD and DH at home on their own.   I consider it a vacation to myself, a whole week of enjoying my kiddos without any stepdrama.  

If you're scared: there's plenty of single mom's traveling tips out there, which I found helpful.

Other than that, I've gotten DH to travel without SD once.  I wanted to go on a mini vacation for my birthday, SD was scheduled to be with BM and given SD's attitude towards me, I flat out didn't want SD there.  And I'm not sure why she would want to be there, she constantly told me she hated me and criticized everything I did for her, so why on earth would she want to celebrate my birthday?  Anyway, SD threw a huge spoiled brat fit when she found out.  DH tried for a whole week to get her to apologize to me for her past behavior to try to make amends, so there would be no reason to exclude her again, and she absolutely refused.  So, I don't think DH felt guilty in the end.  

Now that I think about it, my SD requires more attention and coddling than our younger kids, and then there's the risk that someone will do or say something to set off her temper, and that girl can throw a temper tantrum worse than any toddler I've known.  So he takes vacations without the whole family to get away, so he doesn't feel like he has to invite her.  So, I'm sure he would love to go and catch a break with us, but she's his responsibility, he loves her, and he doesn't want to hurt her feelings.

bananaseedo's picture

Sorry but he WOULD be going with ONE of his kids.  What is this obsession that the SKIDS should always have double/triple then the kids at home?  SD has been many times-he's HAD those memories with her- time to make them w'the little one. 

I remember beign horribly guilted by the in-laws because we took a vacation with just my sons and not SD.  She had been the previous year- NEVER again I swore.  That said-it was out of MY pocket so NO she wasn't invited.  She had been on at least 4 other trips already that year, including the beach with friends-I wasn't about to go broke and be miserable so she could have 5 trips to my sons 1...HELL to the no-they can stuff it.  The OP's SD apparently gets plenty of nice trips.  Their BS deserves this on his own at age appropriate rides where dad can bond and spend some time with his SON w/out having to 'split up the family' to entertain SD who's been and had her time w/dad alone already.  Everyone always screams 'not fair' regarding skids but are more then happy to give the NEW kids the shaft and force them into 'seperate' trips with only one parent as if they are from a divorced home WTF?? 

Harry's picture

Who way younger then SD.  DH has to understand that if he wants a vacation with you and your Bio yourvSD can not go.  Or else it’s goig to be two separate anyway.  DH and SD going on big things and you going on little persona rides.   I would not go with SD.  Either go by your self or with a family member 

bananaseedo's picture

It shouldn't be- why does the kid in the intact home have to operate always as a kid in single parent home because of skids?  I copmletely disagree with constantly the new bios getting shafted because dad divorced in a previous life....that is NOT right and the kids should benefit from what intact/nuclear families do because that is their situation.  He's had those trips with her. I would really sit him down and explain this in detail.  His SON deserves vacation time with BOTH his parents and form memories.  The age distance alone makes perfect sense to have seperate things.  Maybe he and SD do a different solo trip for a weekend somewhere and then he and HIS FAMILY take a vacation together and do things the 4 yrd old should get to enjoy- JUST like SD got to enjoy.