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I messed up big time

Fullmoon's picture

DH has a 15 year old daughter from his previous marriage and we have a 3 year old son together. We have been married for five years. Hard as I try, his daughter and I just don't get along . She's not rude to me because she tried that early in our relationship and her father put his foot down. So she knows that she can't be disrespectful, but she doesn't welcome me into her life. She avoids me as much as possible and doesn't include me in her things if she can help it at all. Obviously this is affecting her relationship with her father because I am his wife, so he's not going to let her get away with not treating me like a member of the family.

she's started refusing to come to our house at all. When DH finally got her to talk to him she told him that he should ask me whether I really wanted her here since I called her a rude little bit**. I was shocked because I'd never said that to her. The thing is though, I did say it. I was venting to a friend on the phone one day and she may have overheard me. Everyone gets angry and I was venting to a friend on mine. I would never say it to her face but since she overheard, It's much worse. 

Dh is very angry with me. She is now refusing to come for visitation, and her mother says that she's old enough to make her choices - plus she's no fan of me anyway so it's not like she's inclined to fix things

They have a court order but her mother is saying that she had no intention of letting her daughter around me at all after this. His daughter is fueling the fire and my husband is pissed at me.  I feel so angry at this whole situation.

Comments

MurphysLaw's picture

I’m a little confused.

Is this girl your husband bio daughter OR his stepdaughter? 

You say there is a CO visitation, if so it needs to be enforced. His daughter is a minor, she doesn’t get to make decisions on what she can & cannot do.

Your husband needs to get his priorities straight as well. You are his wife & you deserve respect, the daughter had NO BUSINESS eavesdropping on your private conversation. You can offer her an apology, she can accept it or not, but she can not disrespect you or choose not to visit on court ordered visitation.

STaround's picture

Getting to an age where this is difficult to enforce.  If DH has to go to court, likely the kid will be 16 by the time anything gets settled.  

Whether this was eavesdropping depends on the facts.  if OP said it, and didnt realize kid was in earshot, it is on OP.

People have to earn respect, and OP says the kid was not rude to her, yet she called the kid a rude bitch.  My guess is dad is frustrated, after he insisted his kid not be rude, and then OP calls his kid a rude bitch. I don't even understood why she said it, after she said kid not rude.  So what to do now?  I think OP has already apologized to her DH, she should encoourage him to see his older DD outside of the house, till this blows over.  

Fullmoon's picture

She's not openly rude anymore but she still tends to ignore me. That being said, I'm the adult and should have known better. 

STaround's picture

Sounds like she was not rude, just did not want to share with you.  Well, I think you should have let that go, but too late now.  She is there to see dad.  

TwoOfUs's picture

Since when is ignoring someone not considered rude? It’s textbook rude behavior...and very effective. Educate yourself on the effects of “shunning” behavior, especially when it happens in your own home or tight-knit community.

OP - I’m sorry this is happening, but you have a right to blow off steam and vent to YOUR friend. Your SD should have been taught not to listen in on adult conversations. So she overheard you saying she’s rude. Big deal. Princess isn’t going to die or have long-term trauma. You should stop beating yourself up and you should quit letting your DH make you the scapegoat for this. SD was looking for a chance to flex her power and she found it...that’s all that happened here. The more DH coddles her and caves to her the worse it will be. 

I agree with others that DH should see her away from the home. She’s a child and he needs to maintain a relationship with her...but that doesn’t mean you have to grovel and beg for “forgiveness” for the rest of your life...from either of them. Honestly...what you “did” just doesn’t warrant that. 

Fullmoon's picture

She is this daughter. I didn't catch that I wrote stepdaughter. Thank you for catching that

Right now he's more pissed at me than his daughter listening in on my conversation. I feel like I've just given her another reason to ignore me but this time I'm being viewed as some sort witch since I loaded the gun and pulled the trigger. 

 

STaround's picture

If you were in the bedroom, and she was hiding under the bed, yep, eavesdropping.

If you were in the ktichen, talking in a voice that could be heard in the next room, and did not realize she was there, it is on you.  

Fullmoon's picture

I was in the basement in the bonus room. I didn't realize she came home and came down the stairs. My fault I know. 

sunshinex's picture

I must say, when I was around 15, my stepdad referenced me as "the bitch" that comes with his wife on social media (he had twitter and didn't realize I knew about his account) and it broke my heart. Sure, we weren't close, but this was my mother's future husband... Someone I thought I could look up to and trust, despite being a teenager who was probably acting out at the time. All kids want to be able to feel safe around adults in their lives, especially those they live with, and it shattered that "safe" feeling. It just felt really, really wrong hearing myself referred to as a bitch from a "trusted adult" in my life. 

 

Harry's picture

She was upset that she wasn’t allowed to disrespect you, Now she has an excuse to do that.  And BM is playing along with it.  Sure BM was part of this disengagement.  At 15 SD know this is her last change to cause problems.

This must be frustrating to  your DH,  because he does not understand, LIFE  will not be like he wants life to be.  One happy family.  His change of one big happy family disappear when he left his first wife BM.  He does not understand he can not remove BM add you and just go on with life.  

tog redux's picture

Oh come on, she overheard one comment (that was meant to be private) and now it's going to be held against you forever?

Don't be kowtowing and apologizing anymore, OP.  If you had yelled it in her face, it would be one thing, but you said it at a time and place where I assume you believed she couldn't hear you.

Of course her alienating BM is going to use this as more ammo against you, but your own husband SHOULD NOT. That's unacceptable.  He needs to realize that HIS KID was a rude bitch and you had every right to be frustrated with her, and to talk in private about your feelings about her.

He can decide to fight her refusal to visit or not (STaround is correct, it's hard to make a 15-year-old visit), but he should not be blaming you for reaching a boiling point with his jerk kid.

This kid has been alienated by BM and this behavior will continue, no matter what you do, until the kid realizes what happened to her (if she ever does).

But DH needs to have your back, PERIOD.

STaround's picture

It sounds like the kid never liked OP, but sometimes kids decide that, with or without encourage from other parent. 

OP said it at a time and place where presumably the kid had the right to be there.  OP herself said tht the kid was NOT rude, and there is never a reason to call a kid a bitch.  Sounds to me more like OP wanted the kid to be friendly with her, and the kid did not want it. 

Would you want to hang out with someone who called you a rude bitch?  I doubt it.  

The kid likely feels there is a double standard in the house, OP says her dad made her not be rude to OP, but OP can be rude to the kid.  

As to where to go from here, it doesnt sound like OP has apologized, becuase she has not had the opportunity to. I think most people would insiste a kid apologize for this, maybe OP can write a brief note and have DH give it to the kid -- I had suggested DH see his kid out of the house. 

I think that family counseling may be needed.  OP says kid not rude, OP needs to accept that the kid is not her friend, she is not there to entertain OP. 

 

tog redux's picture

Again, a parent allowing a minor child to refuse visitation is a sign of alienation.  If BM wasn't alienating, she would encourage the child to learn to forgive or work it out with her stepmother. But she isn't. Good parents don't allow their kids to hold grudges, nor do they violate the CO.

If I eavesdrop, I don't get to be offended about what I hear.   And the OP was NOT rude to the kid, she said something behind her back, which the kid should not have heard.  Also - if I am BEING a rude bitch, then yes, people can call me that and I don't get to be butt-hurt about the truth.

This is alienation by BM, not the OP making some unforgivable mistake.

STaround's picture

I think you have a really broad definition of alienation.   Good parents frequently suggest kids avoid people who are mean to them.  We have no idea if the mom would encourage any visitation with OP not around. 

Again, OP said in her first post, the kid was not RUDE.  Why do  you keep ignoring that?  Even if she were, it is one thing to calll a kid rude, another a rude bitch.  

I do not think OP made an unforgivable mistake, but she made a mistake, and it is up to other party to decide to foreigve. 

 

tog redux's picture

No - I think you have no knowledge of alienation. This is a perfect example of it.  Would the mother encourage her not to go to school if she were mad at her teacher? I doubt it.

And the kid WAS rude - she refused to have anything to do with someone who lived in her home.

Anyway, I know you will continue arguing that you are right, but I completely disagree with you. Not encouraging a 15-year-old to overcome hurt feelings in unhealthy for the kid, and only benefits the alienating parent's agenda.

And with that - I am done.

STaround's picture

Everyone has different expectations, but if your expecations is kid should be doing things with SM, you may get your fee fees hurt. 

The kid is likely over this, she just resents double standards and doesnt want be friends with the SM, and SM gave her an out. 

Some people on this board think only stepkids should be accountable.  I think if a stepkid called a SMs kid a bitch, there would be a punishment.  

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

If a teacher called my daughter a rude little bitch, I would be in the principal’s office pitching a fit loud enough to be heard across the school. My daughter would no longer be in that teacher’s class and I would seriously consider changing schools.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I'm going to have to disagree here, tog, unless BM refuses to allow SD to see DH away from OP. Based on the OP, BM isn't refusing Dad his custody time; she just won't make her DD be around OP who called her a name.

And, I can't say I blame BM for that. I think if I were in BM's shoes, I'd be taking my ex to task and asking who he is allowing around our kid and what is going on.

Even if SD heard a private conversation, that doesn't mean she was eavesdropping. Have you ever walked in on the wrong part of a conversation? Or someone naked? Having sex? It happens. SD could have been eavesdropping, but she could have just as easily walked in at the wrong time, heard it, then walked right back out.

And, as a teenager, I'd be livid if my SF or one of my dad's GFs had called me a name, deserved or otherwise. That's what teenagers do - they act on emotion, not on rational thought.

Right now, I see the OP as having two options. First option is to own what she said. Tell her DH exactly why she said it, and while it may have been a poor word choice, the feeling behind it is real. I tell my DH when his kids are being asses and why. He either agrees with me or tries to provide clarity for it (or point out when I'm wrong, which has happened). I think OP is well within her right to tell DH what she had done to earn that title - but OP had very much be right or plausible in her calling SD that.

Her second option is to apologize to SD and own her mistake in calling SD a witch. This is especially true if SD's only behavioral issue is not liking OP.

Once OP has chosen her path, THEN her DH needs to decide what he wants to do. I don't agree that spouses should back us up 100% just because they are our spouses. If we do something where a choice needs to be made, then our spouses should also get a choice in their support for us. Her DH either has to decide be is okay with the path that OP is taking and back her up, or he needs to decide that he is not and figure out what his path forward is. That path should include him in seeing his daughter, and that path shouldn't be impeded by BM.

tog redux's picture

BM doesn't get to decide who is around during visitation, so yes, she's wrong to allow her daughter to refuse to go, PERIOD. It's simply not her decision how DH and SM handle this, it's CO'd that he gets that time, and she's not the gatekeeper.  She doesn't get to say that he can see DD on HER terms. That's the point of a CO to begin with.

Also, you don't see that this kid's rude behavior was probably driven by BM from the beginning? And yes, ignoring someone in their home is rude.

Again, would she allow her DD to refuse to go to school if she was mad at the teacher? Nope.

I once overheard my brother make some comment to my mother about the issues we were having with BM and SS, and "what did I expect" when I married DH.

Guess what, I still speak to my brother.  People say shit behind other people's backs, all the time. I do it and you do it too.  My brother never apologized, but I don't use that as an excuse to never speak to him again.

And the OP has tried to apologize.

This is the perfect ammo for this BM.

 

STaround's picture

1. Mom is NOT being a gatekeeper, she is just not forcing kid to go.  Big difference. 

2.  You keep saying the kid is rude, the OP does not say that.   People can be civil without being friendly.  Huge difference. 

3.  Even if kid were rude, you are making huge assumption that the mom is driving it. 

4.  Where I live, if a teacher called a kid a bitch, there would be serious repercussions to the teacher. 

5.  I don't think the OP has apologized, because I don't think she has the opportunity.  I do think she would if given the opportunity.  

 

I do agree that the OP gave the ammo, but to the SD, not just the mom. 

Disneyfan's picture

"Where I live, if a teacher called a kid a bitch, there would be serious repercussions to the teacher."

As a mother, there's no way in the world I would have my child sitting a class with a teacher that called him a vile name.  My kid would still go to school, but there would be no contact with that teacher.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I'll agree on your first point as I misread the OP and only thought BM was saying she didn't want SD around OP, not that she was withholding visitation. I could see BM saying she doesn't want SD around OP until more info has been gathered as to what is going on. It's hard to tell when someone is being toxic and abusive versus a slip of a word. That is why DH and BM need to hash that part out.

However, OP never said SD ignored her. Tries to keep her out of her life, yes. Avoid her, yes. But to me, that just means that SD stays mostly to herself in her room or out with friends, not that she hugs her dad and says hello to him while shoulder-checking SM with an icy glare. SD doesn't like OP and doesn't include her. If she is civil, then there isn't much more that you can expect.

Also, your brother said that when you were an adult. And he is a peer, not an authority figure/trusted adult. You were able to rationalize that he doesn't understand the dynamic and you were able to forgive.

Now, should DH make SD forgive and not hold grudges? Yes, if he is a good father and wants a well-adjusted child. But SD can forgive and not hold a grudge while also never speaking to or gazing upon OP ever again. Forgiveness and letting go of grudges is something we do for ourselves, but it doesn't mean we owe the person who bit us once the opportunity to bite us again.

In all, there are several layers to this that need to be addressed. OP and DH need to address one issue. DH and SD need to address another. DH and BM need to address yet another. DH is the focal point who gets to decide what happens, and he has to get over his own anger to move forward.

tog redux's picture

It's simply not BM's call to say that she doesn't want the kid around the OP - she's not the gatekeeper. If OP punched her in the face, then fine, she can withhold visitation for safety concerns.

This is an issue in DH's home, and BM should not be interfering in any way.

And the OP did say that the kid WAS rude to her and DH shut it down. So there was a history of poor behavior.

Sorry - I'm never going to agree that the OP needs to be punished forever for a comment that the kid was never meant to hear.  And the kid is not an innocent victim, she WAS rude to the OP.

AND, the OP says in her post that BM is "not a fan" and not inclined to help fix this.

Everyone is overreacting to something that should be just fixed with an apology that's already been made. And BM is capitalizing on a chance to cut OP and DH out of SD's life.

STaround's picture

Per the OP, the rude behavior ended.  

Not the BMs job to fix things when SM screws up.

Please tell me when and where an apology was made.  Did OP even apologize to her DH?  For hurting the relationship?  

Curious Georgetta's picture

To insist that his daughter go . The  mother cannot prohibit the child from going but it is not her job to insist that the child go.

The father  's authority in this regard is the same as the mother's. The child has whatever relationship with the father that he has facilitated. She obeyed his father when he instructed her that she could not be rude to his wife. Hence it seems that the  daughter, if not happy, was obedient.

A court  will give a  15 year old input on custody and visitation matters.

It is so easy to accuse the BM of alienation, but in this situation , as the  OP had stated, it was the O P's  description of the daughter that has caused the alienation and animosity.

The father and daughter will have to work through this. The daughter is not saying that she does not want to see or have a relationship with her father. She is saying, with his wife's words as justification, that she does not feel  welcomed in his home.

The father now knows both his daughter 's and his wife's  views of each other and he is tasked with working out the situation.

The OP  was expressing her true feelings and the daughter is expressing her true feelings. The dad may not like their truths, but that is his  reality.

It is not the BM's job to fix the discord in the dad's home just as the dad is not required to fix discord in the BM's home. 

 

Disneyfan's picture

But the child was not eavesdropping.  She walked into a room and heard a conversation that was already i progress.  She was hiding behind a door or lurking in yhe shadows waiting to hear something to use against the OP.

The kid tried to pull the rude, brat rude and dad checked her behind.  Bravo for dad.

Once checked, the kid didn't pull the rude crap again.  Bravo for the kid.

If the kid decided that the OP is her father's wife and not a part of her family, that's fine.  Many SMs have the same opinion about their SKs.  What's good for the goose, has to be good for the gander as well.

STaround's picture

She said in a "public room" in the house.  She did not know the kid was there.  That is not eavesdropping. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

No, because it's a public room. If you don't want people to hear something you are saying, say it in an area where no one can hear you without having to invade your privacy.

STaround's picture

If you were hiding in a closet, that would be eavesdropping.  Not what happened.  

Curious Georgetta's picture

of privacy when you choose to have a conversation on an open space.

beebeel's picture

I have every right to expect privacy on a cell phone conversation in my own home when no one else is supposed to be there (SM didn't know sd was coming over). There is no such thing as a "public" room in my home. 

STaround's picture

Did the kid have a key?  How did she get in the house?  Was it a day she was expected there? Once again, you are presenting facts not in evidence. 

tog redux's picture

Dontcha know? You are supposed to lock yourself in a sound-proof bomb shelter whenever you make a private phone call, and for god's sake - DO NOT VENT ABOUT SKIDS!  They are fragile little creatures.

TwoOfUs's picture

OP was not rude TO the SD. She blew off steam to a friend in a private phone call and SD listened in. Big difference. 

STaround's picture

It was a conversation in  public area of a house the SD was in.  

justmakingthebest's picture

Children don't get to make adult choices. You DH needs to demand his parenting time. There is a reason why 15 yr olds don't get to drive without an adult, vote, smoke, drink, sign contracts, etc. They don't understand long term ramifications of their actions.

He may need to have a few visits without you. That is ok. 

Maybe a few sessions with a family therapist would be helpful as well. 

tog redux's picture

Exactly, thank you - and the mother shouldn't be giving her the idea that she agrees with her refusal to visit (and she is giving her that message by allowing the refusal).

BM can validate the hurt feelings and still push her to visit and sort it out with DH and SM, just as she probably would if it were her own husband who made that remark.

justmakingthebest's picture

I have called my SS a douche, a$$ and several other names. I have also said those things directly to DH. This teen could be a total bitch. Many teen girls are.

SD came home, crept into the basement and eavesdropped. OP made a mistake in venting in an area that she could be overheard. Yes, a mistake was made, OP apologized. It is time to move on. I am sure the SD has said much worse about OP and the only reason that isn't being called out is that SD wasn't spied on...

STaround's picture

OP does not claim that the kid crept in.

I see no indication of an apology. 

justmakingthebest's picture

The fact that the OP was in the basement and didn't hear her come in, nothing was said to her as SD entered the room, nothing was said after she heard the conversation, etc- all highly indicative of spying.

tog redux's picture

Well, OP - sounds like many of these ladies think you have committed an unpardonable sin by saying something in anger that your skid was not meant to hear, and accidentally hurting her feelings.

Your apology means nothing, BM has every right to withhold her, and DH can punish you endlessly for hurting his snowflake's feelings, even though you were just venting to a friend, and said snowflake has in fact been a rude little bitch to you.

I personally would race DH to divorce court if he stayed angry at me for this, for any length of time.

You will have to decide what you are willing to tolerate.

(Oh and for the record, my SS did overhear me venting to DH about him through a closed bedroom door, and he tried to play the victim about it, but it didn't work with my DH.  That's why I'm still here).

STaround's picture

1.  I see no evidence of any apology.  I do agree hard to apologize if they do not see each other.  OP can write a short note though.  Not even certain if she has admitted to her DH what actually happened. 

2.  According to OP, the rude behaivor stopped already.

3.  YOUR situation was far different.   In this case, the kid did not listen through a closed bedroom door.  

4.  Did you call your SS a four letter word?  

 

I do not think what OP did was unpardonable, but changing the facts will not make it better.  

 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Never said that it was unforgivable, but did say that DH needs to be the one to work through this and devide what he is going to do - which being endlessly mad at OP and kissing SD's arse aren't options.

DH has to decide if he forgives OP.

DH has to help SD get over her anger and forgive OP, even if SD never wants to be around OP again. That is Ad's personal right as a human being.

DH has to tell BM that this was a one-off and he is handling it, therefore SD needs to be available to him. If he cares about his daughter's feelings, he won't bring SD around OP for a while.

Making a kid feel like they aren't allowed to have their own feelings only aids in PAS. If DH just rams himself in there and demands SD come back to his house, she'll continue to alienate herself more - and it will embolden BM to think that she is/has to/should protect her daughter. 

This is a kid who already had negative feelings toward OP. OP's word choice justified it in SD's head. This isn't the same as when a SK likes you and feels hurt. This is a kid looking for an excuse to pull away further, and she got it. This takes more than a "suck it up buttercup" to smooth it over.

STaround's picture

Would add that family counseling may help too.  I think that SM needs to understand that while the SD should be civil to her (which per OP, she has been), SD does not have to be her friend.  You cannot make someone like you.  

I think OP really wants to work things out.  She does accept she made a mistake with the bitch word, but she also needs to accept that the kid does not want her in her life.  

To those people advocating that OP make this a hill to die on, I would note that that the OP has  a three year old with her DH, and divorce with a child is very serious.  

TwoOfUs's picture

No one is suggesting she make it a hill to die on. Weird. We're just saying it's really not a huge deal and she can take of the hairshirt and quit with the self-flagellation now. She can tell her DH she's done being scapegoated, too. No one has said anything about divorce...because, again, it's really not a big deal. 

You're the one suggesting family counseling because a kid overheard a relatively innocuous adult conversation. How absurd. 

SD's parents should say to her...yeah. People who live together sometimes get under each others' skin and rub each other the wrong way. You haven't been particularly warm or welcoming to SM. She was unkind about you on the phone to her friend...but she didn't mean for you to hear that. You either need to talk to her to clear the air or decide you're going to see your dad outside the home...but you don't get to hold this over her head forever, refuse to accept an apology, or be rude to her in return. 

Again. It's such a double-standard because we act like the SM is supposed to behave like a parent or like "family" but we don't respond to these situations as if she is. For instance...I have 5 siblings and we've called each other all sorts of names over the years. Like...in anger, directly to each others faces and in frustration behind each others backs and everything in between. Similarly, we've each had periods where we butt heads with one parent or the other...and periods where we got along beautifully. 

At no point did my parents ever say: "Well. TwoOfUs. You're right to be angry and you know what...you can hold onto that anger for as long as you like. We're going to banish your brother from the home and make him feel really, really bad about what he said for an indeterminate amount of time...no matter how often he tries to apologize...and at some point maybe it will all settle down but no pressure. It's up to you to decide when you're 'ready' to forgive and allow him back into everyone's good graces again." 

I mean...that would be so ridiculous. Because he was just as much a part of the family as I was...so they encouraged us to work it out and make up. The same thing should happen here...if the DH truly wants to see SM and SD as family. OR the SM should completely disengage, make it clear that SD is not her family, and DH should see the kid outside of the home. Either would work and be fair.

What doesn't work and is not fair is to tell the SM that she has to see the SD as family (apologize, try to make it right, feel bad that she as a "parent figure" broke SD's trust, force her to try to reengage and reach out to the SD, etc.) while allowing the SD to continue to treat the SM as if she's not family (not accept the apology, refuse visitation, continue to ignore SM in her own home, etc.) That's making the SM abide by the rules of "family" without getting any of the benefits...in a way that's incredibly disempowering for her.  

tog redux's picture

For the record, my SS did not come back for almost 3 years after he overheard that comment. It could be argued that I could have been quieter, we live in a small house and he probably didn't need a glass against the door to hear me.

But my DH knew that his kid WAS being a jerk, and that it was a culmination of years of alienation that made him not come back for 3 years, not my comment.  When he sent nasty texts whining that he heard us talking about him, DH didn't buy into that crap. He was upset because his mother filled his head with crap, not because of one vent that I had. And BM allowed his visitation refusal.

OP, I will say again, decide what you can tolerate. This girl is being alienated by her mother, and if your DH can't see that and blames you, then you have to make a decision.  I think all the others are dead wrong, but it's your life and you decide how much blame you will take for one relatively small mistake.

Saint_Gus's picture

Hi OP-

You messed up and you know it. I don't think it's the most horrible thing in the word. If you and your husband plan on staying together as a family I think the best thing to do is just be honest and try to repair your family. Ask your husband to set something up where you can explain that you regret what you said and explain where it came from. Be sincere and apologize and ak her if its possible to try to work on building a positive relationship since you both love DH and will be in each other's lives. At 15, yes She's still a child but I think approaching her as an adult and tring to work things out would be the best approach. A 15 yo can't be treated the same as an 8 or 9 yo. They are young adults. The fact that you say she's not rude and minds your husband tells me she's probably not a terrible kid and with patience and persistence you can work it out. Good luck. You made a mistake but its really fixable. 

STaround's picture

You aknowledge that your SD behaivor changed when dad spoke to her, so why did you refer to her as  a bitch?  What are your expectations?  Did you commincate them to DH?

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Disengage from her and her mother. Do not involve yourself in this BS any longer. Focus on your marriage and your real kid and don’t let your rude b*tch SD move back in when she’s 18.

She should not be snooping in on adult conversations but simply say you had to let your feelings out about his daughter deliberately ignoring you which *is* rude. Tell him you feel that she hates you because you had the audacity to be his wife and to have a baby with him.

Then, just ignore the rude SD and say nothing about her refusing to visit her father. Ignore Biowh0re. Do not communicate with her ever again.

hereiam's picture

Well, you said it, she heard it, this is the fallout from cussing your husband's kid, whether it was to her face or not. I hope you all can work it out, eventually.

My DH and I discuss the fact that his daughter is disrespectful to him, acts like a brat (even though she is an adult, now), that she is lazy, makes dumb choices, blah, blah, blah, but he would be pissed if I went so far as to call her a bitch (and he knows I have a potty mouth). To some people, it's just a word, to others, it's much more personal.

Disneyfan's picture

Exactly

I would cut ties with any man that called me a bitch.  Using such a nasty word when talking about my child woukd be a deal breaker for me.

 

 

tog redux's picture

You have got to be kidding me. You would divorce because your DH used that word while venting to a friend.

That's ridiculous.  You are all acting like she screamed it in the kid's face.

Disneyfan's picture

It's not just the word, it's the feelings associated with the word.

I would not be in a relationship with someone who felt that way about my child.  I would want a SO to be honest about his feelings BEFORE living together or getting married.  I refuse to KNOWINGLY  force a minor child to live in a home with an adult that has such negative feelings about him or her.

tog redux's picture

Oh for God's sake. It's just a descriptive word.

You are one of those who expects your spouse to put up with shitty skid behavior and love the child anyway, aren't you?

Disneyfan's picture

No, I expect my SO to be HONEST with me.  Then I will make a decision based on that HONESTY.

I can't force anyone to love my child.  And no one can force me to raise a child in a home where he/she is disliked/hated by an adult.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with disliking a child.  There's also nothing wrong with not wanting to be in a relationship with someone who dislikes your child.

I believe much of the craziness of steplife could be avoided if people were truthful about their TRUE feelings prior to getting married.

 

tog redux's picture

I really liked my SS prior to getting married. I actually looked forward to him coming over. We had a great relationship, he adored me.  He was happy when we bought the house, happy when we got married.

But gradually, BM wore him down and into the shell of a human being he is today. He began lying all.the.time.  Lying to the point where I can't believe anything he said.  Then he was alienated for 3 years, and when he returned, he was an even more unlikeable person.

Things change. DH doesn't tut-tut about me not liking his son because he understands why.

If you have an unlikeable child, it's pretty unfair to expect your spouse not to dislike them, or *god forbid* occasionally call them a name (IN PRIVATE).

elkclan's picture

No I wouldn't tolerate my kid being called a bitch. Im not sure I'd call in the divorce lawyer, but I sure as heck wouldn't let it slide. I dont tolerate name-calling from the kids - bio or step either - even though kids call each other names and it's mostly just in jest. I don't allow shut-up or stupid. 

We discuss behaviour and strategy in private. Both of us have told each other's kids directly to their faces that their behaviour is rude, unacceptable or horrible We've never said "You are horrible." My son just got told off by my partner in the last hour for rudeness. He was being rude. He corrected his behaviour and we moved on. 

 

tog redux's picture

The OP didn't say it to the kid's face. She said it in private to a friend, when she wasn't aware the SD was home. Of course it would be wrong to call her that to her face.

What she says to her friends is her business, and her DH doesn't get to police that. He should more concerned about how his daughter behaves that drives that assessment.

STaround's picture

If she had said it privately, none of this would have happened.  She was in public room of house kid had reason to be there. 

And OP said the kid is not rude.  

twoviewpoints's picture

You're sounding like a broken record that just keeps repeating the same thing, LOL.

But I do 'get' your view on the overheard conversation. I can't help but wonder just how this blog would be going if it had been a bit different turn-around. For example, SM came home from work and walked down the hall and SD was standing in her bedroom venting on phone to her GF. SD is frustrated and telling her GF that SM is a b*tch blah blah. It was never meant to be heard by SM nor did SD say it to her face. SM doesn't want kid coming over anymore if that's how kid feels. 

 

STaround's picture

I do expect that everyone in the house will be civil to each other.  it appears from the original post, that after the dad spoke to his kid she has been civil.   Just like at work, the expectation is everyone will be civil to each other.  To me, it is much more serious when some one in a position of authority is not civil, as opposed to a peer.  But even at the company picnic, if a peer referred to you as a bitch, there would be consequences.  

elkclan's picture

I agree. One time my step son "In your face b*tch" when he made some kind of killer move in a game we were playing. It wasn't said in anger. I knew it wasnt directed at me, I wasn't offended. But my SO lowered the boom on him. It's not something we allow. If I'd had a chance Id have just told him to mind his language becaue it could be misconstrued. 

TwoOfUs's picture

I agree that language in the home should be civil and kind...and parents should teach their kids to be respectful. 

But to monitor and take offense about how your spouse talks to his/her own friends and family in private? That smacks of unreasonable expectations and controlling behavior. 

STaround's picture

None of this would have happened.  If OP had gone to her bedroom, closed the door, and chatted with her friend, no problem.  She did not do that and she knows she messed up.

I really think all of these arguements to support the OP would not be used in a situaiton where a stepkid referred to one of SMs kids as a bitch while on a phone call in the bonus room. 

TwoOfUs's picture

You're just plain wrong. Siblings call each other names in open and in private all the time and good parents tell them to make up and forgive each other...they don't encourage them to ostracize one another and hold grudges over things like this. 

Gucci's picture

At least she didn’t use ‘c*nt.’ Bitch is nothing. And please, I teach middle school. This kids call each other much worse. 

susanm's picture

Since when are skids the only ones who are allowed to have feelings or be angry?  A 15 year old is not a tiny child.  She is not too young to understand that adults are people too.  The OP did not call her a rude bitch to her face.  She was on the phone and did not know that the girl was in the house.  This could easily happen to any one of us if we were overheard discussing a skid, a spouse, a family member, or a friend.  That she is 15 does not make it a hanging offense.  Remember being 15?  How many of us WERE rude bitches?  (Raises hand)  I damned well knew it too.  But I surely would have used "overhearing" someone saying the plain truth about me against them like I was some poor lost little lamb that needed to be protected from the big old meanie!  I expect getting bent out of shape from the BM and DH but are all of us of really going to clutch our pearls over this?

tog redux's picture

Clutching our pearls, lol. Love it.

I refer to my SS19 as a "p*ssy" all the time, because, well - he is one! DH agrees with me.  He would not be offended if I called SS a bitch if he were a girl, provided he did act like a bitch.  And he certainly would not freak out and lose his mind over a conversation that SS overheard in which I was venting to a friend.

 

 

Dovina's picture

Like come on...ship happens we overhear things we shouldnt, as you said she is 15!, not 10.. SD is utilizing this to cause a wedge between sm and daddy. The OP feels remorse, I am sure she would apologize if the diva would give her a chance.20 years from now this Diva will be writing a memoir on how evil her SM was and how she heard her tell her friend she was a b*tch. The horrors! Such abuse.  Mommy dearest has nothing on this SM!

pickles45's picture

OK I am not ashamed to say I would have lied to my DH to save my ass if I were her!  I would have said she misunderstood what she heard. I would say something like "I was talking about a cowoker" whatever. So what if the skid knows I had said it. It sounded like there was never going to be any love there anyways. A sweet "I have no idea what she is talking about" to my DH is all she needed to say. Then if he presses his daughter for details I would be like "So she came downstairs heard me talking but didnt let me know she was there? She came in on the middle of a conversation and just heard what she wanted to hear" Ha men gaslight us women on here all the time! Why not gaslight the skids every now and again!

Disneyfan's picture

Pickles, this is sick.  Anyone who would go that route is just as bad as the lying, manipulative BMs and SKs posted about here each day.

If you do or say something, be woman enough to own and deal with the consequences.

simifan's picture

Where is DHs and BMs anger for being a rude little b****?  This is your problem. You have an expectation of privacy when speaking friends. 

TwoOfUs's picture

Oh good grief. 

You didn’t “mess up big time” and your DH needs to get over it and stop using this “incident”/you as a scapegoat for his daughter’s rude behavior, her hatred of you, and his broken relationship with her. 

You were venting to a friend. It happens all the time.  And the only “double standard” I see going on here is the fact that bioparents can get frustrated and vent all day long about their own kids...but of course stepparents can’t ever do the same or woe unto them! Once again...it’s all “treat my kids and love them just like your own...but don’t you dare expect to be treated like family by THEM.”

Frankly, I think your SD was looking for a reason to hate on you and flex her power and she found one. Her parents need to deal with that...and her unwillingness to accept an apology...both of which are significant character flaws. It’s flat-out wrong to refuse to even talk to someone who you believe has “wronged” you. You’re supposed to give people the chance to make it right. Her parents backing her up in this nonsense is going to create a monster.

 

PS - all the pearl-clutchers who need smelling salts because of the b-word are kind of cracking me up. You do realize this child is in high school, right? Maybe you haven’t been to a high school in a while...but I used to teach high school students. They are routinely vile and call their friends much worse than this on a regular basis. Princess SD will be fine, I assure you. 

tog redux's picture

Bravo.    Clapping

Seriously.  I wonder what BM and SD have referred to SM as behind her back, personally.

elkclan's picture

I'm Ms. Sweary-Mc-Sweary Pants. But when you have a power differential in a relationship, it's different. So no - Im not clutching any pearls over the word...

And I flipped out on my ex when he called my son "a little d**ck" when he was a toddler and didn't immediately want to hold his hand when crossing the road. If stuff like that is part of a pattern it's verbal abuse. 

TwoOfUs's picture

But there's absolutely zero to indicate it's part of a pattern. In fact, it wasn't even said to the SD...and the only pattern I see is a snotty teen looking for excuses to lord it over her SM. 

Is your position seriously that SMs shouldn't be allowed to vent to their friends in private conversations? SD wasn't supposed to be home and came downstairs while SM was having a conversation with a friend. All this nonsense about...she should have gone into her bedroom and shut the door if she expected privacy!!! I mean...honestly? Is that where you take your phone calls when you think you're home alone? Because it's not what I do...I chat in the kitchen, in my office, in the living room, in the basement...almost never in my bedroom. That just seems weird to me. So now we're chastising this woman for not being a mind-reader and knowing her SD was going to come home and quietly sneak around the house? 

This whole thing is absolutely absurd. As TwoViewpoints mentions above. I wonder how we'd respond to a SM who overheard her SD calling her a name to friends and said she didn't want her in the home anymore? I highly doubt anyone would think that was a reasonable response to the situation...but it's reasonable in this case because...? 

STaround's picture

1.   No evidence that the stepkid was not supposed to be in the house, just that OP did not know  she was there.   Did stepkid have a key?  Break in?

2.  If a stepkid did this wrt a SM's kid, I thnk SM would be demanding an apology and punishment -- loss of phone for a period, etc.   NO EVIDENCE here of an apology, just a tex, saying can we talk.  

TwoOfUs's picture

1. I am using the word "supposed" in its true meaning which is "assumed" or "presumed" or "expected" aka...the SM wasn't expecting her and had no knowledge that she was there. She assumed she was alone and had no reason to think otherwise, because the stepdaughter was not "supposed" to be there and didn't make herself known (which, incidentally, is what polite people do when they get home...say hello to the other people in the house). We know this because OP says so in her comment. 

2. You are truly ridiculous. a.) There is no comparison between this SM and two stepsiblings getting into a fight of some sort. As I've mentioned before, adults and kids are different. One difference is that kids need to be parented (and sometimes punished) while adults do not. It is not the job of SD, DH, or BM to "punish" this OP for her supposed crime against humanity. b.) Really? What, exactly, do you think this SM wants to talk to her SD about? The weather? The spring fashion lineup? No..."Can we talk?" is pretty much universally-accepted code for: "There's a problem and I need to make it right with you." Literally everyone knows this...it's been a plot point in about a million movies. "Can we talk?" followed by a meeting where things are made right. So...yes. By refusing to answer the text and BM specifically telling OP to "back off" they are refusing her apology. 

 

STaround's picture

Can we talk, is NOT taking responsiblity.   It many mean she wants the kid to come over, without accepting her own blame.  It may mean she blames the kid, but is willing to be big about it. Maybe a non-apology apology, like I am sorry your feelings were hurt.  Not I am sorry for what I did.  OP needs to spell it out.  There were some people here who thought the SM should just deny what she said.   She can be specific.  Or not, but then dont blame others. 

We don't know if the kid was supposed to be there or not.  I doubt she broke in. 

I guess to some people, SMs can do no wrong.   Being an adult may mean you do not get not punsihed, but rather you accept consequences.  As some have said, OP may be happier with the kid not visiting, but dad seeing his oldest kid outside his home.  That may be best. 

TwoOfUs's picture

Oh please. And I guess to some people...SMs can do no right. Clearly. 

Text is how people (especially teens) communicate these days...and how they set meet-ups. What was OP supposed to do? Send a full conversation/explanation via text? She attempted to reach out and now has been told not to do so again...kind of leaves her in a bind where she's not "allowed" to make things right, wouldn't you say? That's wrong of BM to do and wrong of DH to permit. "Can we talk" is a foray...an extension of an olive branch...which was rudely ignored by SD and slapped away by BM. Because they have to milk it to the extreme, you know.

I guarantee if this SM had sent a full mea culpa via text or letter...YOU would be the first one on here complaining and criticizing the SM...saying she should have tried to meet with SD face-to-face and texted a simple "Can we talk?" to ease the tension instead. SMH. 

 

PS. 

"We don't know if the kid was supposed to be there or not.  I doubt she broke in."

Again...as I thought I clearly explained...we are using the word supposed in two different ways. (i.e. I'm using it correctly...not sure how you're using it...except to mean "had permission" which is not what it means.)

The word supposed means "known" or "expected" or "assumed" so, for example, if you were on a trip to Ireland and you saw a snake, you might say to your friend: "Huh? There aren't supposed to be any snakes in Ireland." In other words, it's known that snakes don't live in Ireland, so you're very surprised to see one...and you didn't bring any snake protection because they aren't "supposed" to be there. It doesn't mean the snakes "don't have permission" to be there or that they are somewhere that they aren't allowed to be. It means they aren't known to be there...are known not to be there, in fact.

Similarly, if I decided to leave work and come home in the middle of the day...my husband might look up from his desk and say: "Hey! You're not supposed to be here now!" Obviously, he doesn't mean that I broke into my home or that I'm not allowed to be there...just that he expected and assumed that I was somewhere else. So, in this case, OP has said the SD wasn't home and then she came home unknown to the OP...that's all I mean by this statement. 

notasm3's picture

Seriously this thread makes me want to call some of you "bitches" just to see how many people here would pass out from the horror of being called a bitch.  This probably isn't going to be the last time the little bitch gets called a bitch in her lifetime.

Hell I've been called far worse than that by the beggars in San Francisco when I wouldn't give them money.  I didn't faint or call the police.

tog redux's picture

I call my dog a "Big Black Bitch" all the time, is that OK?

(She is all of those things).

TwoOfUs's picture

Well...again, she wasn't called a bitch. She was referred to as a bitch in a private conversation. Hurtful? Sure. But really not the end of the world.

When my three skids were all teens at once, it was awful. My DH once looked at me in despair and said: "Man. I feel like I've raised an a**hole, a liar, and a horn-dog...how are we going to get through this?" 

Should people be infuriated that he called his own daughter an a**hole? (I'd say she was more of a c***, myself.) Or is it understood that teens are difficult and sometimes even their own parents get exasperated and vent to those closest to them? 

Commentors here are acting like OP called her this in anger when, really, SD just overheard it...overheard something that is entirely natural and normal. There's a huge difference. 

As for the teacher analogy...sure. If a teacher looked at my kid in class and yelled: "You rude little bitch!!!" I'd want her out of that class...for both of their sakes. But if my kid was sneaking around and overheard herself being referred to as a "rude little bitch" when her teacher was talking with other teachers about their students...I'd tell her to mind her own business and quit sneaking around. I'd also ask her why her teacher was frustrated with her or perceived her as rude...because I'd want to know that, too. I'd encourage her to be more respectful in that class...and assure her that her teacher doesn't dislike her...she just accidentally heard adults at work venting to each other. (BTW. If you think your kids' teachers don't sit in the teachers' lounge referring to your junior-high and high school age children as "bitches" and "assholes" and worse...you are sorely mistaken.) 

The fact is, no...it's not that "only stepkids are held accountable" around here. It's that kids and adults are fundamentally different, and only kids need to be parented and directed. This SM doesn't need to be chastised forever or made to feel like she did something awful. She doesn't need to be parented by her DH. His kid, however, does...and I completely agree with commenters who say that it does this SD no good (and likely a lot of harm) to be taught that she's allowed to refuse an apology...allowed to nurse her "wound" for an indefinite amount of time...allowed to use this to lord it over her dad and SM. That's not good for the SD. 

STaround's picture

Referred to a kid as a bitch  in a hallwy, thinking no one was there, but someone was, where I live, there would be problems.  In a closed teachers room, in a bedroom with a closed door, neithef of those are comparable situations (altought i really doubt language like that is used in schools where I live).  Using language like that where I work would be a problem. 

Of course, SM does not need to be parented.  But she needs to accept that the kid does not want to come over, and whatever the fall out is.  Everyone needs to accept that there are consequences.  

 

ETA -- It seems to me the SM does not like the SD and vice versa, I think the SD should see her dad outside the house.  I can't tell if either is justified (OP says her kid is no longer rude, but still refers to her a rude bitch???), but neither one wants to be around the other.   OP said that the kid is no longer rude to her.  if she tought the kid was rude (after dad spoke to her), she should have told dad.   She chose not to apparently. 

tog redux's picture

Yeah, teachers in your area talk like that. Believe me, they do.  Teachers everywhere talk smack about their students, it's part of the job. Even teachers who love their jobs and are good teachers are frustrated by students.

And they talk even worse about the parents - you know, the ones who would be more upset that Precious overheard someone say she was a "rude little bitch" than they are upset that Precious IS a rude little bitch.

STaround's picture

But I do know, if they said in a public area, and were overheard, there would be issues.  

And, for the nth time, OP said her SD was no longer rude.  If the SD was still rude, why did she not discuss with her DH?  

tog redux's picture

And for the nth time, ignoring someone in their own home is rude.

She was no longer ACTIVELY rude. She was now PASSIVELY rude. Rude is rude.

 

STaround's picture

I don't see ignoring, I see not wanting SM to be part of her life.  And if OP thought was rude, she should have told her DH specifics.  Not wanting to tell your SM how your dance class went, or play with your 3 YO stepsibling is not rude.   SD is not the in house entertainment crew.  

You and I disagree, but it does not matter what we think.  Apparently her DH thinks she handled it poorly.  There is no excuse for not telling him what her complaints were.  Whether he agrees with them is not known.  

tog redux's picture

How do you know she didn't tell him her complaints? Perhaps she did and he dismissed them.

STaround's picture

She says the SD is not rude or disrespectful.   So what is she supposed to say to her DH?  SD is no longer rude, but the relationshp is not perfect?  Tell me who is "speschul"?   You can define the kid as rude, but she does not, so what was she supposed to say, if anything to her DH.  

Gucci's picture

*raises hand because this is me.

Yes we do talk shit. But you know what, most parents would be upset that their little cherub was deemed rude by a teacher. Just as this dad should be. Your kid is a bitch, dad. Deal with her behavior, not the SM. If I heard my husband say that about one of my kids, I’d go real quick to find out what the f*ck they did to make him feel that way. I see zero accountability to this little princess, and it’s really pissing me off. 

STaround's picture

!.  What if you referred to a kid as a bitch in a hallway and were overheard?  Would there be any consequences to you?

2.  Did you read the orignal post, where the OP said the kid was NOT rude or disrepectful after dad spoke to her?  

TwoOfUs's picture

You keep harping on that...but it’s actually not what OP said. She said SD stopped being “openly rude” BUT continued to ignore her.

Anyone with skids knows what that means...or anyone who has any experience with teenagers at all. 

Yet you keep harping on and on: “Well, she SAID her SD is no longer rude!!! That’s what she SAID!!! So why does anyone think her SD was still being rude??!!”

Um. 

1. The OP told her friend the SD was rude.

2. I’ve met a teenager before. Actually, I’ve dealt with thousands of them over the course of my career. 

STaround's picture

Which is not what she said, still no excuse for her language, and she needs to apologize.  And not some non-apology apolody (like I am sorry if you were offended by my languarge, but you were rude).  Apologize whole heartedly and then discuss in private with dad what she thinks is rude.   He may think his wife is too senstive.  Or if he has been trying to force/encourage his wfie to be part of his kid's life, he needs to find another plan. 

TwoOfUs's picture

Who cares if he thinks she’s too sensitive? 

Maybe OP thinks DH and BM are too sensitive in their reaction to this whole thing...I would agree.

Again...you’re completely glossing over the fact that OP has attempted to apologize and not only been ignored but specifically told to “back off” by the BM...who is also now refusing custody over this nonsense. That is alienating, controlling behavior that needs to be shut down. 

To suggest that OP should not be allowed to vent, in private, to a close friend or family member is just ridiculous and also controlling...and would be intolerable to me in a marriage...would need to be dealt with. 

Sorry. I feel bad your daughter overheard something she shouldn’t have...but I’m a grown-ass adult and don’t want to be told how to communicate or who I’m allowed to talk to. 

 

 

STaround's picture

She texted the kid, saying lets talk.  OP needs to FIRST apologize, then talk.  If the only way she can do is by letter, then she should do that.   And given that we do not even know if she has admitted what she did to her DH.  There were several posters here who thought she should just lie. 

If your DH would be OK with you calling his kid a bitch, within her earshot, good for you.  I would not be.  I think most SMs would be livid if a stepkid referred to their kid as a bitch, within the kid's earshot. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

A teacher who was heard by a student or parent referring to another student as a rude bitch would be either suspended or fired.

If a student is rude, there are methods or consequences for dealing with rude behavior on the part of the student.  Referencing them , within earshot of a student or parent, as a rude bitch would be unacceptable and not in keeping with school protocol.

No one is going to suffer any lasting harm from this incident. It will likely mean that the OP and the daughter are no longer forced to endure each other's company.

The dad may be off put because he will no longer see  his daughter in his home, but he will survive even that.  Father and daughter can attend events and meet in environments where the daughter is comfortable.  This can be a win win for both OP and the daughter.

tog redux's picture

OMG, so not true that the teacher would be suspended or fired.  Talked to, perhaps, but suspended or fired? Hell no. Teachers are tenured and unionized in public schools, no way to fire them, short of them having sex with students.

TwoOfUs's picture

Right??!!

The Curriculum Resource Teacher told us this story of the time that she went to class and was about to start in on the lesson when one student yelled: "Ms. ______!!! Don't touch those whiteboard pens!!! Or anything on your desk!!!" 

Came out that a student who was recovering from pinkeye had gone up before class and smeared his eye juices on everything. 

This teacher called the student "a little shit" after she took him to the office...he overheard it and the parents tried to get the administration to overrule his suspension and to rain down fire on the teacher for saying something so awful about their darling!!! 

Nope. The admin told them their little darling should have been called much worse...and that the suspension was going to stand. Because he had been a little shit. 

Trust me. Teachers aren't just going around calling your spechul babies bad names for no reason. Some of them are absolute a**holes and b****es and we call them like we see them. 

STaround's picture

In my state, teachers are not unionized,  Even in union schools, teachers in the first few years are not tenured.  As to what happens to the teacher, I see you at least concede the teacher might be talked to.  In many schools, the teacher could be suspended or fired, depending on code of conduct, etc.   

Where I used to live, in a unionized district, the principal had ways to deals with teachers that did not perform.  Giving them bus duty on cold days, no regular classroom (become a floater that moves from room to room), etc.  Most got the message or towed the line. 

I do agree, it appears that in some schools (some in NYC), it appears dificult to get rid of teachers (from what I read in the papers).

But all of this ignores what OP said, that she knows she messed up.  I think she needs to write a true apology note -- I am sorry for the language I used.  I know you have been trying to get along, with your dad's encouragement.  I want things to be better. NOT, I only said it because you are rude.  That is a non-apology apology.  

Then, OP needs to talk to DH as to what exactly is bothering her.  I do feel for her.  Some things on Steptalk are just "mismatches" -- some SMs complain the kids have no life, this one complains the kid does not include her in the SD's life.  It is normal for kids as they beome teens not to share so much.  I think this is really a situation where family counseling could help.  No one in this family seems like a monster.  It would help if the OP could come back and tell us more specifically what the kid is doing that bothers her.  But that is not an excuse for calling her a bitch, and I think OP knows that.  

Curious Georgetta's picture

believe me when I say that no parent there is paying that kind of tuition to have their kid described  in those terms.

 

Curious Georgetta's picture

believe me when I say that no parent there is paying that kind of tuition to have their kid described  in those terms.

 

fourbrats's picture

issue is that your SD doesn't choose to have you as a part of her life and that you find that rude. For example, she doesn't want to discuss school, activities etc and would prefer that you not attend those things and in your mind that makes her a rude bitch. Why? Stepparents are told to ignore, disengage, not their kid not their problem all the time. This child has said "not my parent, not my problem." She is civil but essentially disengaged. I fail to understand why that is a problem. 

It also sounds like your husband is trying to force a relationship between the two of you and is allowing her lack of desire to have a relationship to become a problem in his relationship with his child. He could attend a soccer game without you. Or a school concert. He doesn't have to let those thing affect his relationship with her. And some people just don't mesh. Perhaps the two of you don't mesh and would be able to maintain a civil but distant relationship once this blows over. 

TwoOfUs's picture

A couple things that are still annoying me no end about the comments here:

1.) The people who keep harping on the idea that the SD isn't "rude" anymore are the exact same ones who seem to think it's perfectly fine for SD and her BM to hold this singular incident over the SM's head for an indefinite amount of time and not accept an attempt to apologize. So...let me get this straight. Since SD stopped being "openly rude" to SM after her dad put her in her place...the SM should instantly "forgive and forget" what could have been many, many incidents of rude and disrespectful behavior and never talk about them again...even in private to a trusted friend. But BM and SD are totally justified in milking this one slip-up for the rest of time? Got it. Makes total sense.  

2.) The inane "what is a private conversation" and "was the SD snooping" comments. First, it doesn't matter if the SD was snooping or not...the point is that the OP was having what she thought was a private conversation. She wasn't being rude or hateful to her SD...just venting to a friend. Second...get real already. Have any of y'all even met a teenager in your life? They literally yell at the top of their lungs and walk around like elephants. Even the quiet ones. They think they're being quiet when they stomp around and talk full-voice. I've never met one who doesn't slam the door, drop from full height onto the couch or chair, making it scream in agony, toss their heavy backpack onto the floor, tumble down or up the stairs....etc. Never once in the 8+ years that I dealt with my skids as teenagers did I not hear them when they came home...no matter where I was in the house...upstairs, in the basement, etc. I'm not saying the SD was necessarily snooping on purpose...but it's awfully, awfully suspect that she came home and made it all the way into the basement without being heard. At least in my experience with teens. 

And with that...I'm officially out on this conversation. Some of you I think want to have a SM's head for the smallest conceivable "infraction" (even completely innocent and unintentional ones), so there's just no reasoning with people like that. 

tog redux's picture

I'm out of this circular argument, too, but I want to say before I go:

BITCH, BITCH, BITCH, BITCH!

*listens for the sound of the overly sensitive gasping*

Gucci's picture

It’s all so ridiculous. 

The girl was being a bitch to the OP in her home. And for the record, I have called my SSs lazy asses when they halfass our cleaning. My husband has heard it, and in a show of unity with me, told them they were lazy halfassers. It’s the truth, and god forbid this precious, delicate little snowflake hear something she doesn’t like. Boo f*cking hoo, maybe she shouldn’t have been a bitch and had to hear the truth about herself. 

 

Dads_Wife's picture

I don't think this SM messed up that bad to be honest. Many members of my family called me a rude little bitch probably every other day through my teen years. Princess is being a sally wag and precious daddy is too for not telling her to let it go. It sucks being a SM and people hold you to a higher standard than they hold everyone else too. So Stupid.