Wish I could turn back the clock and tell myself to run
DH and I have been snapping at each other a lot recently. HE ALSO LOST HIS WEDDING BAND. He was working on his bike and noticed he wasn't wearing it. He tore the house apart looking for it and couldn't find it. I know someone might suspect SD took it but she wasn't here. Mother's day was a bust. DH had a mirgane and rested.
SD has pretty much disengaged from myself and BS. She doesn't care about me or BS. Not even on a human level. She just doesn't care. Sometimes I wish there was something wrong with SD for me to complain about but there really isn't (amazing grades, does her chores, great hygeine, actually wants to spend time with DH, and both parents love her and are very involved in her life).
Since BM, DH , and myself have been able to work from our homes and have been taking the necessary precautions, visitation has been the standard 50:50 . The second SD walks in through those doors, the family is split . When she's here, I avoid her at all costs and only speak to her when I have to (which isn't a lot) and she's the same. She's happy I don't assoicate with her. DH handles everything SD related and she prefers it. DH calls him to help her with dinner, she'll do it. He asks her for help with anything; she'll gladly do it. Both of them are very athletic and he asks her if she wants to go for a run and they'll go. I'm not complaning that he's spending time with her (I encourage it). I'm more upset at the fact that he won't address her attitude. When it's just DH and her, she's lovely. The second you put me in the picture, her whole demeanour changes. DH stopped her therapy. It wasn't working. He stop telling me about their sesions. That was just stirring the pot and he apologized .MIND you this is the girl who said she'd walk away if I got hit by a bus. The girl resents me. Yes, I met her the same year her parents divorce was finalized only because I was pregnant. That pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage. DH and I did not have an affair. BM and DH were seperated at that point. It bothers me that someone hates me to such an extent.
I really feel for BS. He sees how SD is with anyone else and it hurts him. She'll always blow him off or tell him to find me or DH to play with. He's seen her play with her cousins who are relatively around the same age and she showers them with affection and wants that. All he wants is his sister's attention and she can't/ won't give it to him.
I've been missing how fulfilling and drama free my life was BEFORE I got involved with DH. I love BS very much. I regret putting him in this situation.
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Comments
Wow, this girl can hold a
Wow, this girl can hold a grudge! Does it come from BM at all? Was BM upset that your DH moved on so quickly, even getting someone pregnant right after they separated?
If BM isn't behind it, then she's just a stubborn person and this is the best you can do. Sounds like she'll be gone to college in a year or so. But I'd be upset with DH too - at the very least for allowing her to treat a little boy the way she does. Perhaps all you can do is tell BS that he's a good boy and SD is just being mean - and keep him from her as much as you possibly can. I wouldn't take him to family parties if she's going to be there and treating him differently. Let him play with his cousins when she's not around.
BM was upset when DH told her
BM was upset when DH told her about me. She did a complete 180. She told DH that she never wants to hear from me and if he contacts her, it will only be about SD. If it's not (normally it is) she won't text back or end the call. That's how it's been for years. She'll only contact DH if it's SD related and he does the same. Normally this is a good thing but in how she went about it bothered him. Even with mutal friends, they've told DH that she's still the same but when DH becomes the topic of conversation (early in the divorce), she would tell them that DH is my problem now and carried on.
I do exactly that. It's hard though because everyone else in DH's family adores SD. The cousins constantly want to be with her or around her.Being the eldest grandkid and only granddaughter is also working for her. Even when she's not with us, they ask about her which makes BS feel pushed out a little.
She sounds intelligent and emotionally disturbed
This has been going on for a while. I dont see any solution because your DH doesnt have your back on this at all.
He did early in our marriage.
He did early in our marriage. Ever since she was put in therapy, he went from loving, supportive DH to peacekeeper between SD and I
Think she might of lied in
Think she might of lied in therapy about you or what you've done?
A teenage girl
A teenage girl taking the opportunity to manipulate a therapist and her daddy to her own ends? Who ever heard of such a thing?
OP, your SD has no cause to
OP, your SD has no cause to dislike you for years and years because she overheard a private phone call, OR because she is mad that you and DH got married too close to the divorce. Even if you did have an affair, this behavior is still unacceptable.
Your DH should have long ago told her to either knock it off, or changed his visitation to every other weekend. He can't choose to live two separate lives in the same home - one where he gets to indulge his daughter's pouty ignoring of you and your preschooler, and the other where he gets to be your husband and DS's father.
I'm not sure how you've held onto love and respect for him.
This girl reminds
This girl reminds me a lot of my own SD. She was bound and determined to blame me for the break up of her parent's marriage and that was that. (I wasn't but that did not stop BM from telling the skids hair-raising tales of my luring their father to his doom. You would have thought I was a siren on the rocks and DH was poor Odysseus lashed to the mast!) I lasted until she was past 20 because "she was the child and I was the adult " and then snapped when she pushed too far. To say that it was an ugly scene is putting it mildly and I told her to "get the f*ck out." She was gone in a huff within the week. At that point I think DH was just relieved that it was over.
If it is possible, I recommend not letting it get to that extreme if you can possibly help it.
You mentioned previously that
You mentioned previously that DH has SD in therapy, and that he changed toward you afterward. Maybe all this attention on SD and having a professional advocating for SD has sort of swayed him against you? Are you and DH in therapy? Maybe if a professional tells him to work on your marriage, he will start trying harder. Like, even the odds with a professional in your corner as well. It sucks to think he may be so weak-minded that he is that easily influenced, but you have a child together and probably don't want to give up.
I totally agree with
I totally agree with rumplestiltskin
"I've been missing how
"I've been missing how fulfilling and drama free my life was BEFORE I got involved with DH."
My thoughts every day. If I could go back and choose not to be with him, I wouldn't even have to think twice.
It seems like SD will keep
It seems like SD will keep the target on your back for her parents separation, and her life changing as she knew it, unless DH steps up to the plate. The problem is BD is in the role of good guy and you are in the role of bad guy. No man leaves a relationship because some woman magically appeared and stole him away. Usually there are issues long before that and either they cannot be resolved or one or both parties are unwilling to resolve them. If DH wants SDs view of you to change he needs to talk with her and set the record straight that you did not end his relationship with BM, he did, he doesn't have to tell her why, just that it was his choice and not because you did anything to cause it. DS asked me once long ago when he was struggling with my divorce and I was honest with him, without bashing his father, reminding him of what he already knew. That we argued too much and no one was happy and that it's not healthy to be in a relationship where all you do is argue.
I'll be honest, aside from
I'll be honest, aside from your DS feelings being hurt, it sounds like you have a much better situation than most people whose relationships began with infidelity could hope for.
I mean, the fact that BM won't engage with DH unless it's about SD and hasn't gone out of her way to slander him or cause him trouble is kind of a miracle. Most women in her position would want revenge. Hell there are so many posters here with BMs who want to make their lives miserable and they didn't even do anything wrong (myself included). And 15 is a tough age for girls anyway, so the fact that the worst SD is doing is treating you with indifference... well I'm just not sure how you could hope for more than that. Obviously it would be better for her to let go whatever anger she's clinging to, but in my experience that is a pretty unrealistic goal for a teenager. If her therapist is worth a damn, forgiveness *might* come as she matures. But it's a lot to ask of a child to understand that harboring a grudge hurts them more than it hurts the person they're angry with.
Finally, given how DH treated his ex-wife, it's not surprising that he isn't going out of his way to protect your feelings or make you more comfortable. It certainly isn't right for him to be dismissive of you, but it's not a surprise. The whole situation is his fault to begin with, and I suspect he knows that and might feel guilty about it. The thing is that you can't control what DH does and you definitely can't control what SD does. What you can do is decide if you can live with her indifference, or if it really is too painful for you to bear long term. If you're not in individual therapy, now might be a good time to start. A good therapist will help you sort through your feelings and beliefs and that will help you make a more clear-headed decision.