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SD has the power now

Fullmoon's picture

Ever since SD heard me venting to my friend about calling her a bitch, she has been given the green light to totally disregard me in MY HOME. DH met with SD and she claimed that she's sick of the double-standard that's going on. Accoridng to her, If she had said something like to me, DH would go off on her,make her apologize ,and ground her. DH doesn't call her out anymore. I brought up to DH's attention, and he just doesn't want anymore drama. . So much for having each other's back huh? I have apologized to her and offered to take her out to lunch, so we could talk but Bm has told her to stay away from me. 

She's allowed  to walk right past me without acknowledging me. DH wants us to get along but that's not possible with her behaviour. 

 

Comments

thinkthrice's picture

Disengage and walk right past her.   Your DuH is subscribing to the one big happy family model. "you love me therefore you must love the spawn I created with another woman." WRONG!

Fullmoon's picture

but for some reason I'm starting to get slightly annoyed doing it. And I feel gross for having to sink to 15 year olds level.

shamds's picture

And expectation they have that their kids with ex love their wife or at least get along. When it doesn’t happen they’re just dumbfounded when they can clearly see their kids emotionally abusing others and when caught red handed there is an answer for everything that everything is fine and there’s no hard feelings. Really? Is that why you haven’t talked to me in 3 years unless your dads family are over to give the impression you’re a great kid??

Jcksjj's picture

It's not a double standard - it's the fact that you are an adult and he doesnt get to tell you what to do. On the other hand he is her dad and he does get to tell her what to do.

Let her ignore you. Dont give her the reaction she wants by acting like you care or trying to get her to talk to you. You already apologized and attempted to talk it through.

Fullmoon's picture

"It's not a double standard - it's the fact that you are an adult and he doesnt get to tell you what to do. On the other hand he is her dad and he does get to tell her what to do"- I WISHED he had said that to her... but nope. Not this time. He's given her the okay to disrespect me in my own home. 

I ignore her too but I'm starting to feel pathetic 

SteppedOut's picture

I wouldn't live in a house that a kid was allowed to disrespect me. Do you pay bills at the house - does she?! 

I damn sure wouldn't be married to a man that allowed it and put me on the same level as a kid (he is acting like you are equals you are an adult, she is a kid -- big difference). 

Nothing changes if nothing changes. 

Fullmoon's picture

According to DH, she wants to keep things civil but actions speak louder than words- ignoring someone isn't keeping things civil. it's stiring the pot. I would address it but it's clear she wants me to stay away from her and I know this would start another problem- which I believe she wants. 

 

 

twoviewpoints's picture

Last you wrote, SD had stopped coming over to your home.

How often do you even see the teen anymore? 

Curious Georgetta's picture

She is right that had she called you or referred to you as a bitch within your hearing, he would probably have grounded her and forced her to apologize.

Maybe I am missing something but I  do not get exactly what it is that he is forcing you to do.

You are the adult,you can speak to her and  move along.  Do you really care that she is not speaking to you,? I would enjoy the silence.

What I would not do is continue to vent to your husband. He is probably growing weary of the dissention in the home. It is probably easier for him to understand her acting childish than it is to understand the adult not acting like an adult.

You are not damaged by her not speaking to you , and if you just ignore it, she gets to see that resulting to childish behavior is counter productive. When you respond  by complaining and becoming annoyed , you affirm that this is a way to make you uncomfortable. You caused her pain and made her uncomfortable and now she has found the coin with which to repay you.

Your response is giving her power. If  you speak to her and move on as though you neither need or expect a response, you will deflate her balloon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

shamds's picture

they get called nasty things because they are nasty. If they’re arseholes, then i call them that to hubby. When they’re pathetic, i call them that. When they’re being so f*cking ridiculous, i tell hubby that.

if they are offended so be it but the truth hurts. Whilst it may have not been a nice thing at all to call her bitch, if she is one so be it. I wouldn’t sugarcoat it for hubby or stepkids. 

They aren’t pleasant to be around and if they want to prove that they aren’t arseholes, bitches, pathetic etc, prove your parents wrong. 

Anytime i have called my stepkids any of the above when with hubby, he has never corrected me because he knows its true. He’s caught in the middle trying to address things.

if op called her sd a bitch, because she has been 1 since day 1 and she overheard stepmum saying it and told off her dad, dad should have told her she hasn’t been pleasant or respectful to be around so she can prove others wrong and be a better person.

if sd wants to be called nice and pleasant things, then be nice and pleasant 

Chmmy's picture

I live with SD 100%. She called me stupid, lazy, a bitch, she cant stand living with me, and told me when she is 6 feet in the ground because she has killed herself it is because of me. At the time I had done nothing to her but kiss her ass. It was displaced anger to her mother who abadoned her, literally left her & the other 3 sibs on the street with their stuff. I no longer kiss her ass nor do I stick up for her when DH is being a shitty father. I dont watch the little boys anymore so she will get stuck babysitting. I do whatever I can to manipulate her dad and stick it to her. She manipulated her dad for a long time and now I have the power. We just dont speak no acknowledgement when she walks in a room.

I backed down a little when she needed a favor for school from DH and he couldnt do it, i did it for DH, not her. Last week I walked in the kitchen for her sisters bday cake celebration and SD16 rolled her eyes when I walked in the room so I walked out. I came back when my MIL showed up as to not be rude but there will be no favors again. I wouldn't throw her a life raft if she was drowning.

Want2's picture

“...came back when my MIL showed up as to not be rude...”

Wait, so you’re rude as heck otherwise but when MIL shows up you suddenly behave differently. No matter that you deliberately manipulate her son so as to stick it to her granddaughter.

Jcksjj's picture

Shes supposed to be rude to MIL because she didnt want to be around SD before that? Sorry, I dont get that logic.

Chmmy's picture

MIL cant stand SD either. When she was abandoned by mommy dearest, grandma took all 4 of them in and SD said I cant believe we have to live in this hell hole. MIL is an immaculate housekeeper and BM has dog & cat shit all over so not really sure who SD thinks she is.

Thanks for the advice

Chmmy's picture

And honestly I dont think it was rude to leave the room when I was clearly not wanted. Never did anything to that child but marry & move in with her dad. Never told her no and I gave the bitch a car before she even had a license.

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

Why does your DH need to handle this and smooth things over?

Sit her down and simply say "You don't have to like me. But you WILL respect me as an adult in this home. By respect I mean you will greet me when you enter through that door and will acknowledge me when you leave. Basic, human decency WILL be expected each and every day. If that is not something you can handle then don't walk through that door again."

The end. Simple. To the point. And a lesson any kid needs to learn. 

STaround's picture

SD will just laugh at you, and say, I will walk through the door at Dads house whenever i want. 

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

Oh yes this doesn't happen in just one part...

I would make sure your DH understands that if he doesn't back you up he will be backing out the door! 

Siemprematahari's picture

She has been given the green light to totally disregard me in MY HOME.

If she's been given the "green light" to be disrespectful in YOUR HOME by your H than they both have to go. There is no way in this WORLD that you should ever ALLOW that....especially in your HOUSE.......

You've apologized and are trying to move forward, if she doesn't want to engage or talk to you fine but she will be respectful and this needs to be made clear to your H.

Callout's picture

This is a very strange coincidence.