She's sorry...for the millionth time.
So last time my youngest SD lived with us, we kicked her out because one day I came home early for work and caught her and another SD in our backyard smoking weed while their kids were home. This was already her 4th chance. Before that she moved out, and we made her sign a contract to move back home. So now we are on to her 5th chance. There were times where she would ask us to watch her 2 yr old son for the night and then she wouldn't come home till after 4am, knowing that we both have to get up at 5am to work, and her son wakes up crying in the middle of the night if his mom is not around. One time she didn't come till after I had already left for work. Mind you she doesn't have a car of her own, she drives the hell out of my wife's car. The first time she lived with us she put over 25k miles on the car in 9 months. Yes you read that right, TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND MILES.
On of the conditions for her moving back in is that if she wants to go out at night, she needs to find a sitter, and that we won't be watching. That along with a bunch of conditions let her move back in, with my wife promising she was going to stick to the contract with her. She has been living with us again now for four weeks and every single weekend she has gone out to party with her only finding a babysitter one of those weekends. I reminded my wife about our agreement and she said "Well we aren't watching him as much as we used to."
So last night my wife and I finally had a date night, and I told her that we are absolutely not watching the grandkid this weekend, and she agreed. So while we were out last night, the SD calls us around 11pm asking where we are at, and that she wants to go out. My wife said she would as long as the kid was already asleep when she got there. I was upset by this because it's just another example of my wife letting my SD have her way. We got home, and my wife told the SD she needs to back home well before the grandkid wakes up. SD said she would be home before 3am. So naturally 4:30am rolls around and she still isn't home. Wife texts the SD and asks where she's at. SD says she is with some friends hanging out and says she will be home at 9am. My wife texts her back and says no, she needs to come home. SD replies with "OK". At this point I am pissed and can't go back to sleep because I already know what's about to happen.
6am rolls around so I go downstairs...still no SD. The grandkid wakes up and comes downstairs about 45 mins later. Finally at 7:15am my SD comes home with one of the guys she hung out with. She says she's really sorry because she knows we wanted to sleep in. I really don't acknowledge her. I am so pissed and irritated at only getting 4 hours of sleep I just put on some clothes and went grocery shopping just so I could be by myself with my thoughts. I get back home and my wife, SD, and grandkid are getting ready to leave. Wife comes upstairs to kiss me bye, and I asked if she had a talk with the SD.
She says "Talk with her about what?" I just give her a deadpan look and say nevermind. She asks "What" again. I said that if she actually has to ask, then nevermind because it just doesn't matter anymore. She finally goes "Oh about where she was last night?" I tell her it doesn't matter anymore and kiss her goodbye. I am so fucking tired of my SD not being accountable for any fucking thing, and I'm even more tired of my wife enabling her. SD can say she's sorry all she wants but if she was really sorry, she wouldn't keep doing it. I am SOOOOOOOO fucking tired of it. I don't what else I can say to my wife because I feel like a broken down record.
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Oh she doesn't just THINK we
Oh she doesn't just THINK we are suckers...she KNOWS her mom is a total sucker and will give in all the time. That's why she calls and talks to her mom about everything and not me.
Yes my SD absolutely has it
Yes my SD absolutely has it made. We bought our first home in December and it was even bought with her in mind because it has a 3rd floor bonus room that's about 500 sq ft that serves as her bedroom. She gets to drive a car that she doesn't have to make payments, pay insurance on, or pay for any of the maintenance. She comes home to a home cooked dinner, so she doesn't even have to cook for her kid. She has a built-in babysitter in her mother and she gets to party EVERY weekend. She contributes NOTHING to this household.
Mustang1 you are exactly right. She isn't going to change, and the reason she will never change is because my wife will never change how she treats her. You are also absoultely right in that my wife is scared of her own daughter, and I have said this to her many times but she disagrees. I have definitely heard the quote "I'm not gonna let my grandchild live in the streets" more times than I care to hear. To further compound the situation, the reason SD moved back in with us is because 10 months ago her 2 month old son was shaken to death by her then fiance. For the past 10 months it feels like our entire lives have revolved around her wants and needs to the detriment of our marriage. In the beginning, I could certainly understand that she needed her mom and it didn't bother me at all. Then around the 6 month mark I finally decided enough was enough, and she can't keep using the death of her kid as an excuse for sitting around all day doing nothing, smoking weed, and partying. I said if she's emotionally stable enough to party and have boyfriends, she is stable enough to get a job.
Even sitting here as I write this, I am coming to the realization that things are NEVER going to change because my wife will always baby her. Really no point in even speaking to my wife about it because all I will get from her is lipservice and empty promises. I really did not know it would be this hard to be a step-parent.
I'm about ready to set up a
I'm about ready to set up a cardboard village for these brats that threaten they'll be living on the streets. How pathetic.
DW (darling wife?) Needs to
DW (darling wife?) Needs to get a grip!!!!! SHE is allowing this SD to run your lives! She has a child for Christ Sake! And the smoking Pot in the back yard thing...THAT would have been the deal breaker....As you both raise this grandchild and his "mom" parties...her mom is allowing her daughter to have no accountability! Does SD work? Could she pass a drug screen? Is she a fit parent?
I cant agree with you more that if you have to explain your question to DW that your feelings dont count at all!! I am so sorry for that! You sound like the kind of SD that would bend over backwards for your Skids....and yet all you get is devalued and put down...
DW needs to have a sit down with you and You need to express your frustration to her.....your deep hurt that SD is allowed by BM to do as she pleases....and you have had enough...
Hard situation and I cant blame you for one bit of your pain and anger.....Good Luck with the BoomerRang Generation....I fear I will be in the same place as you in about 5 yrs
Yme you are right...my wife
Yme you are right...my wife does need to get a grip and LET GO. Even her counselor has told her this. Yes she just started working two weeks ago, and no she could not pass a drug test. One of the conditions I made upon her moving back in was that she would be taking random drug tests. Because she smoked it everyday, it will take 45 days for it to be completely out of her system, and I have it marked on my calendar when that day is so I can hit her up with a drug test. I know she is still smoking it, but the more I think about it...why even give her the test? What are the consequences going to be if she fails? NOTHING. I didn't want to let her move back in again anyway, but I didn't want a pissed off spouse on my hands. Now I am regretting it because my sanity is at stake here.
I think I've just decided to focus on ME for right now. Get in better shape, finsih getting my degree. Your quote is spot on..."Only YOU can claim YOUR happiness". If I hadn't found this website so I can vent I think my head would've exploded by now.
You're right again Mustang1.
You're right again Mustang1. I've already decided I'm not even gonna bother with it since there will be consequences from my wife WHEN she fails. I still have a sneaky suspicion she still smokes it at our house too, I just can't prove it. Thought about putting up security cameras while we're at work but then again...what's the point, why even waste the money. In reality I should not be mad at my SD, she is only doing what my wife allows her to do, I really should be mad at my wife at this point.
Not sure if you're in the US,
Not sure if you're in the US, if you are though, you might give those security cams a second thought. If your SD is caught using illegal drugs in your home, the police can seize your home and everything in it. Do they always? No. Do they usually? No. Are they within their rights to do so if they choose? You betcha.
That's what pisses me off so
That's what pisses me off so much about my SD's smoking weed in our backyard. Our back yard is very tiny and even though it's fenced in, it backs up to a pretty busy street where there is a sidewalk. Anybody could've been walking by and smelled them smoking weed. Worse with a 3 month old and a 2 year old right there in the house. The police have already had to come to our new house once because of a fight between two of the SD's while were at work. What if they had smelled weed when they showed up? Unfortunately I think it's going to take something very drastic for my wife to stop enabling her kids, but by then it may be too late as the stress is eating away at our marriage. Sometimes its not just the SD that has to hit "rock bottom", it's the bio-parent.
Maybe you could suggest to
Maybe you could suggest to your wife that you and she take over custody of the grandchild. The main concern for your wife is probably yhte child. She as already lost a grandchild by not being there (in her mind) for her daughter. And at least she knows the child is safe when he is with you, right?
As a grandmother I can see where she is coming from. But by taking the child on as yours it may get your wife motivated to make some decisions. Her daughter is behaving irresponsibly and is incapable of taking care of the child. So he becomes legally yours until she proves otherwise. Imagine if you told your SD you are taking her to court to get her custody of her son because she is doing drugs and staying out all night. And the way you WON'T take her is if she gets her act together.
My cousin was doing drugs and her 6 yr old daughter was taken off her by my aunt and uncle. Cousin has straightened herself out now but it was losing her child that forced her into a new mindset.
My daughter moved back in with us when her relationship failed and her daughter 2yrs at the time, came along as well. DD only asked us to watch her daughter about 6 times in 2 years.