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More Trouble for SD21 (Long Blog)

frustratedstepdad's picture

I have been telling DW that I think by Feb 1 SD21 should be able to move into her own place. Of course DW is fighting me on it because SD21 sold her car due to having a suspended license and having all of these traffic tickets to pay. Of course most of those tickets are for driving with no insurance, and driving with a suspended license. DW thinks we should wait until she has all of that stuff paid off. I told DW that SD21 has had the money to pay off ALL of her tickets from stripping, and she got $2600 cash when she sold her car. It's not our fault she is wasting away her money.

So of course we can't have a week go by without there being drama on my wife's side of the family or with her kids. We went to my mother-in-law's house for Thanksgiving. That evening I looked around and SD21 was gone. I asked where she was, and my wife said she left with her friend, leaving us with taking care of her 2 yr old. Wife ASSURED me that SD21 would be home when we got back. And of course she wasn't home when we got there, just like I knew she wouldn't be. SD21 then calls us around 10pm and lets us know that she and her friend decided to stand in line at a store for Black Friday, so I am instantly pissed. Once again our live revolves around what SD21 wants to do, and we are stuck with watching her kid.

Later that evening, we found out my wife's niece had a brother-in-law kill himself on Thanksgiving day. So SD21 goes down there on Friday and we watch her son. While she is down there, she gets ANOTHER ticket for driving with a suspended license. We knew she was going to work that night and she normally comes home around 3am. We were woken up around 7am by SD21's son knocking on our door and yelling "Grandma", which he does whenever SD21 isn't home. So I ask where SD21 is, and DW tells me that she agreed to watch her son while she went to Seattle, and will be back Saturday night. Oh and the reason why SD21 needed to go to Seattle? Since she has a marijuana card, she now wants to be a grower of weed to sell to other people with their medical marijuana card. (Rolling eyes) Of course this is all agreed to without consulting me. I retaliated by refusing to help out at all with the grandkid. Sure it may have been an asshole thing to do, but it was the only way I could get my DW to see that she needs to stop agreeing to watch the grandkid.

Does my SD21 come home Sat night? Of course not. My wife sent her a text saying she'd better be home first thing Sunday morning. What time does SD21 get home? Sunday at 4pm.
Wife has a talk with her, saying that things need to change, and from now on she will be responsible for getting a sitter for her son if she doesn't come home at night or she decides to take a trip for the weekend.

Monday night I drop SD21 off at work (the strip club). Instead of going in and starting their shift, SD21 and another stripper walk over to a bar and start drinking. After four drinks (she only weighs like 130 so she's drunk) they start walking back to the strip club. This woman drives up and tells them she just came from the strip club and it's really slow, and she'll buy them drinks. So the dumb asses get in the car with her and go back to the bar. Woman tells them to sit down at a table and she will order them drinks. Well 10 mins went by and no drinks. The woman had gone back to the car and drove off, of course with all their they got robbed. Instead of coming home or calling the police, SD21 goes to the strippers place, where they get into an argument and start fighting. The neighbors call the police, and SD21 gets a ticket for criminal mischief (ANOTHER expensive ass ticket).
Not only that, when the woman took SD21's stuff, she had her house key and ID in her bag, so now the robber has our address and a key to our house, so we had to pay to have our locks rekeyed.

Last night DW and I are talking about all of this, and saying that SD21 no longer wants to strip and just wants a regular job. I say good, but she still has to move out by Feb 1. Wife gets mad and says there's no way she can afford to move out by then with all of her tickets, etc. I again reiterate that SD21 has made MORE than enough money to pay off all of her tickets and fines, and its her own fault she gets the tickets. DW then had the nerve to say that I am just a selfish person, that if they were my own kids I would be a lot more understanding. DW says that other people think I'm selfish too, and i just want all of her attention to myself.

Fuck those other people because they have NO idea what all I've had to go through and put up with regarding her kids. I guarantee you those people don't even know the HALF of what I've put up with because DW always sugarcoats stuff when her kids do wrong, ESPECIALLY SD21. Normally I have thick skin, but I am not gonna lie it really hurts my feelings that DW thinks I'm a selfish person, all because I don't want to coddle and baby her grown ass kids the way she does. It's funny because everybody I talk to wonders how I've put up with all the shit for as long as I have.


frustratedstepdad's picture

I agree with you snickersgal. She is going NOWHERE fast, and her mom refuses to see it. Everytime a new deadline comes up, there will be a new excuse for why she can't move out. With her trying to be a legal seller of marijuana, of course she is going to end up selling to people who don't have a card and wind up in jail.

I have in fact come to the sad realization that nothing is going to change unless I decide to walk. What's even more sad is that I don't think I am willing to walk away at this point, so I guess I should just stop complaining.

Kes's picture

Don't stop complaining! Through that, you get other people's perspectives and are better placed to make an informed decision on whether you should leave or stay. Having read some previous blogs of yours a few months ago - I have to say, that unless you get some changes SOON, you may be pushed further towards the leaving position. And remember the old saying: "if you will not jump, you will be pushed!"

oneoffour's picture

Who owns the house? If it is in your name tell your DW that either her daughter moves out or you are filing divorce papers.

I really can see why she allows this deadline to keep moving out of arms reach. She is desperately worried and scared for her grandson. Better she knows he is safe than out there with her drop kick of a daughter and in risk of being damaged.

This is the approach i would take ... Tell her you know she is worried about her grandson. How scared she must be that her daughter could just disappear and she would have no idea where they are and what is happening to the little boy. The mind boggles at what he could be exposed to.
However her daughter is destroying your marriage by being irresponsible. You could suggest you and her become the legal guardians of the little boy. This means it is up to you and your wife who the boy is with. It CAN be with her daughter but DW /you make the ultimate decision. Then her daughter MUST move out by Feb 1st. This is 2 months away and if she 'works for tips' then she should have enough to move out.

If your DW baulks at this option I would tell her the deadline is now also the flie date to terminate your marriage to her and her family. Your health cannot deal with the stress of having the underbelly of society creeping around your lives. Her daughter CHOOSES to associate with these people, not you. You need to take the break to walk away even if you are poorer for it. Your health will eventually suffer as your reel from one disaster to the next.

Who knows, maybe your DW might support becoming her grandsons guardian or maybe the police will pick up the SD with an anonymous word in their ear about her driving on a suspended licence yet again.

frustratedstepdad's picture

"I really can see why she allows this deadline to keep moving out of arms reach. She is desperately worried and scared for her grandson. Better she knows he is safe than out there with her drop kick of a daughter and in risk of being damaged."

That's exactly what DW said last night. I finally just up and asked her why does she want to keep SD21 up under her wing so bad instead of letting her grow up. She knows that if they are living here that SD21 and the grandson are safe. So I said she is letting that fear rule our lives and interfere with our marriage. She said that if we kicked SD21 out, that we would probably end up having to take care of the grandson. I said that's fine, but we would do it LEGALLY and would make SD21 sign a document regarding how much child support should be paid each month. I said I don't have a problem with taking over custody, but no way in hell are we going to be struggling financially and emotionally taking care of the grandson while SD21 is out having fun blowing her money with friends.

The house is in both of our names.....

frustratedstepdad's picture

Yes SD21 also has a payment plan for all of her tickets. The problem is that she is making payments when she has had the money to pay them all off. She has the money to buy $50 bras at Victoria Secrets, shop at the True Religion store and Nordstroms, buy herself Ugg boots but not pay off her fines. Just one excuse after the other when it comes to her.

ybarra357's picture

"DW then had the nerve to say that I am just a selfish person, that if they were my own kids I would be a lot more understanding. DW says that other people think I'm selfish too"

I'm sorry about this. I can almost hear the frustration/desperation in your writings. As I have read a lot of your blogs, you are anything but selfish. Hell you're an effin saint for dealing with this shit for as long as you have!

I agree with Snickers, your situation will probably have to come down to an ultimatum. Under normal circumstances, ultimatums are not a good thing. However in your case, it may boil down to your sanity.

I wish you the best.

skylarksms's picture

My BIL finally got kicked out of my FIL's apartment when he was 32. He moved into MIL's basement. He got kicked out of THEIR place (they got foreclosed upon) when he was 34.

He is currently renting a room in a trailer owned by some stranger he met in the bar.

frustratedstepdad's picture

My DW's brother has lived at home with my mother-in-law for the past 6 years after getting out of prison. He is 48 years old. I think enabling just runs in their family.

StepOnMe101's picture

Your wife is an ENABLER. If she continues to let SD live there scott free and agrees to watch the grandkid all the time, your SD will NEVER LEARN to be responsible. I'm sorry you have to deal with that situation!! A stripper makes enough money to get her own place. She might just have to use public transporation until she gets her license back. THAT'S LIFE! She needs to deal with it on her own and not fall back on Mommy all the time. My employer has 2 sons...age 32 and 36...their Mother enabled them their entire lives through everything from trouble with the law to drug abuse. Needless to say their parents STILL support them. What a JOKE!! These "kids" need to grow the hell up and be responsible for themselves.

ThatGirl's picture

Your wife has done a bang up job raising her daughter, that's for sure. I'm surprised she hasn't won any awards!!! Sounds to me like she's feeling guilty for the way her daughter has turned out (total loser beyond repair) and somehow thinks she can do a better job with her granddaughter. You're either going to have to give into it or walk. Sorry, but people like this don't change.