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Depressed and Lonely

FrustratedandLost's picture

It has been a very long time since I logged into this forum but now I feel like it's the only place I can reach out for advice. My husband and I live have lived with my mother in law since we got together seven years ago. Anytime we go somewhere, she goes with us and when I bring up the fact that my husband and I need time alone, he gets mad at me and thinks I'm being rediculous. My stepkids are both in college; one just starting her first year the other in her third year. They both are working and going to school but the youngest one is still causing problems in our house with her attitude.

My main point of this post is to get advice about my mother in law and how my husband acts when I bring up the fact that I want alone time with him. I have told him so many times that we need time alone and rarely do we get it. She is always with us. His mom is a very dependent person on my husband and goes as far, in my opinion, to act like he's her surrogate husband. My husband has talked to his sister about this issue and she has gone so far as to call my mom and tell her that they need to help us figure out how to communicate better and that if I want time alone with my husband, I should text her to invite my mother in law to her house (she lives seven blocks from us) and that will give us time alone. I told my husband that I shouldn't have to text my sister in law to spend time with her mom, especially when she's told me in the past to enjoy my parents because I won't have them with me all the time.

Every time I bring up the subject, my husband gets mad and I shut up about it. I am to the point now that I'm tired of keeping my mouth shut about everything and bottling it up inside. I've told my husband how I feel so many times and nothing changes. He has told me in the past that his mom has no friends and I told him that this is going to ruin our marriage. But things don't change. Now my husband is depressed because of his job and he is tired of his kids attitudes. I told him that if he's tired of his job, then he needs to get a new one and if he's tired of his kids attitudes, then kick them out. Maybe I'm wrong in saying that but that's how I'm feeling. I don't know what else to do.

I feel like he doesn't respect me or listen to me and I'm getting to the point where I don't know what else to do. I've thought about talking to his mom and telling her that we need to have time alone but I don't know how to be nice about it. We are supposed to go camping this weekend and I really don't want to go. I asked her to bring some cut up fruit and she basically had an attitude about it in the store, even though she says she wasn't mad, but her facial expression and body language said something else. It is almost like she's mad or jealous that he is with me. I feel very left out when a conversation is going on because my husband and his mom only look at each other, even though I'm sitting there. My husband says that I'm being insecure about everything but I don't think I am. We got into an argument yesterday and one thing I told him that he's never set any boundaries with his mom and that she's too dependent on him. He said he would leave and I said he couldn't leave because who would she depend on? I told him that he needs to cut the apron strings and set boundaries with her and he didn't say anything to that. We have looked for a house for the past six months to a year but prices are so expensive that we haven't found one yet. I feel really alone right now and I'm not sure what to do.

I really don't know what else to do. Emotionally, I'm feeling hopeless right now. How do I get my husband to see that I'm serious about how I feel and that things need to change and he needs to make an effort too? He doesn't deal with things and that makes me mad. Has anybody been in this situation and if so, what did you do?

Comments

beebeel's picture

Start going places and doing things without him. Plan things with your friends. They have had an enmeshed, unhealthy relationship for DECADES. Changing them is highly unlikely, so you can only change what you're doing. I would start looking for a nice little place I could afford on my own.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

First off! We lived with my in-laws for a time (shorter than you by a lot) and it was terrible! Zero privacy, in-laws tyring to overlook everything you do, it was MISERABLE. So I completely understand!

What I think you need though, isn't just "alone time" you need your own place where you can function completley as a couple. That's what has done wonders for us. I really feel like DH has my back more, he's more understanding, he strives to spend time with me. But most of those things happened after we actually had our own space and could function like a couple should. That's what gives your relationship a REAL chance and a change.

My DH used to get mad too when I mentioned moving it was "this is cheaper," or "it's fine." Or when I mentioend I need space he's give me the "well we don't have that, so deal." Time alone? "Well after everyone else is in bed..." yeah.. But at that point I'm sleeping!

Flat out tell him you need space, it took several blow-ups then me actually looking at things and pushing the situation for things to happen. Once I started going and looking at houses myself he really started to get how seerious I was, AND he started pushing for it too.

I know that looking for a home in your price-range is BEYOND expensive. Have you thought about looking in neighboring areas? Still close enough to work, but maybe somewhere more affordable. If you really want change, you two need to move away from your MIL.

FrustratedandLost's picture

I have told my husband that we need our space and told him that we need to live like a real married couple but he doesn't want to live in town. He wants to have three or four acres and that's why houses are expensive. I've told him that we should buy a house in town and then buy a piece of acreage after but he doesn't want to do that. He wants to live away from people. We've had some crappy neighbors so that's affected a lot of why he doesn't want to live in town.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

My DH wanted the same thing. We settled on a house to rent, fairly large yard, but definitley has neighbors, so far he's absolutely loving it. I finally did get to the point where it was "I'm moving with or without you, here are the options, you want a say? Or am I just picking one and you can come or not." lol

I get wanting to find the perfect place, but the reality is, you're not likely to get that on your first place. You have to start somewhere and work your way up from there. Getting the man to see it is trickiest....

Do you have something that would appeal to him that you can't do now since you're living with MIL? That normally helps.

ESMOD's picture

Why do you live with your MIL?  Did your DH and you live alone at all during your relationship?  Was he living with her before you got together?  Just trying to gain some perspective.. whether you and your DH might be financially dependent on living with her.. in her home.. or whether your DH is perhaps an overachieving mama's boy and he just never left home.  Or did she move in with you because she is not financially able to live on her own?

It doesn't sound like it's unreasonable for you to want to go spend a bit of time without mom tagging along.  But, if your DH and her have been very intertwined... it may be a dynamic that is hard to change.. so in the end, you may have to do things on YOUR own to not include mom if you want some space.. but you can't force your DH to want to do it.  He sounds like he feels guilty and responsible for her.  Does she not have any friends?  Does she do anything outside the home?  Perhaps she would benefit from joining in some senior center activities to have more of a social life that doesn't rely on her son.  Check your local center for aging to see what resources are out there. I think you need to attack it not from his perspective.. but by allowing MOM to not be as reliant on you two for her social interactions.

FrustratedandLost's picture

My husband moved in with her and his stepdad and his kids before I met him. Then her husband up and left her one day almost a year after we met. I was living an hour away during the week with my parents, working and would come home on the weekends. We have never lived alone and I have tried to tell him that I want my own home. It's just been in the last year that I've been full time in the home all the time, as I've found a job close by. That was why I wasn't up here all the time. We could totally afford to go rent a place on our own but my husbands thing is that he doesn't want to pay someone else's mortgage. So, he wants to stay put until we can find something on our own. We do pay half his mom's mortgage plus food for the house and we help with whatever other bill she needs help with. He does feel guilty if he doesn't do anything with her, telling me she doesn't have any friends. She doesn't do anything outside the home, nor does she try to get involved in anything for seniors and other activities for people her age. I have suggested that she do something with herself like joining something like that but she won't do it. She's a very stubborn person who doesn't like change and is resilient to change.

ESMOD's picture

Honey.. it sounds like you married a guy who already is married.. to his mother.  I don't know what your solution is here... He has an excuse for every reason to leave his mom's house.. unfortunately, if HE doesn't want things to change.. they won't change.  I might consider leaving someone that cared so little about my needs.

Areyou's picture

He needs a wake up call. Why not leave for a couple of weeks. Maybe he will change his tune once he knows that he may lose you. And if he doesn’t ask you to come back then he really just wants his mom and that’s your sign to move on. They are enmeshed.

Merry's picture

This is a dynamic that will be hard, if not impossible, to change. Somehow your DH and his Mom both get something they need from their codependent, unhealthy relationship. Until one or the other realizes that it is unhealthy, there isn't much you can do.

I agree with above poster that you need to cultivate your own life, away from your DH and MIL. Find activities, friends, classes that interest you and spend time doing things for yourself. No one else is doing anything for you, and you are responsible for yourself anyway.

Would your DH consider couples counseling? But even if he won't, go yourself. It will help you sort through what YOU can do instead of focusing on what your DH won't do.

FrustratedandLost's picture

I have asked my husband to do couples counseling with me but he won't do it. He doesn't like counselors and thinks they're a waste of time. He told me he will never go. I have gone once and I only went a couple times but I do believe I need to go back and do it for myself.

Merry's picture

He doesn't like counselors because 1) he knows the counselor will tell him he's a whack job (they won't actually SAY that though) and 2) the counselor will suggest behavior changes, and change is hard, or 3) it will become obvious that he doesn't really care what you want and that will be the beginning of the end.

Yes, find a counselor you like and go back. Figure out what you want and need.

Harry's picture

some thing for two or three days at a couples only ( meaning lots of sex ) for you and husband.  I know nothing about California?   It that doesn’t do it. You have real trouble on your hands.   Cruises, ?? Then just tell him we are going just the Two of us, MIL can make it three day by herself !!!

hereiam's picture

Hmmm, now THAT is what I call a Mama's Boy. No, thanks.

Get your own apartment or house or whatever. He will either move with you...or he won't.

fairyo's picture

This reminds me of the story of my dear departed and much missed Aunty. As a young woman she married and went to to live in her MILs house. Her MIL treated her like a maid, she had to stay in the kitchen and was not allowed visitors. The marriage was never consummated. Eventually, my uncles went to fetch her out and she went back to live with her mum, who she cared for until she died. My Aunty then lived alone and worked as a nurse until she retired.  Eventually she had her marriage annulled but didn't meet anyone else. A few years later her former MIL died and amazingly she went back to him- they re-married in a civil ceremony and lived happily together into  their old age.

I suggest you tell him this story, before you leave and tell him you'll be back when your MIL is dead...

FrustratedandLost's picture

My husband moved with his mom and her husband before I met him because he was going through a divorce. I have repeatedly ask my husband to move into our own house but he is the one that doesn't want to. I haven't lived in the house full time until last year. I was working an hour away and staying with my parents in the town I was working in. I would only come up on Friday and leave Monday morning. My MIL has always been a DEPENDENT person. She will not live on her own because she's too afraid. She treats my husband like a surrogate husband. So it's not like I haven't tried to get my husband to have a "normal" marriage with his wife, whatever that might be. I have and all its done is cause arguments between us. So I've had to keep my mouth shut and not say anything, which nobody should have to do in a relationship. 

hereiam's picture

I'm sorry you are living like this. I could not be married to a man who did not want to live with me, in our own home.

Just out of curiosity, how old is his mother?