wow... sounds like you have your hands full.. have you tried taking priveleges away from your sd?... i can feel your pain at some point.. especially where the husband wont help... unless i nag at mine to help with something he wont.. then i feel bad because i was nagging so much... and i dont like the person i was then..

Maybe a trial separation for a week or two away with you and your bs might open his eyes up to see what you are going thru..you shouldnt be handling it alone and he should be standing up to his parents for his wife... i would tell him help or good bye...life is to short...

tiredanddepressed... . Hugs girl.... I can totally relate to what you are saying, and understand the frustration.

BM here was not as bad as your BM, but she is either Histrionic or NPD. As such, she was somewhat neglectful of SD. DH overcompensated, out of guilt and love, and SD was showing some narcissistic traits herself. Off the top of my head, here's a few thoughts that I hope help a little...

1. Unless BM comes back into your life, try to forget her and what she is doing. As far as her interaction with in-laws... I would venture to say to try to stay clear of that whole situation. Yes, it sucks that they are giving her money - while you and your DH have a family!! But they are probably thinking that if BM gets her sh*t together, she will be a better mom to SD. You and I both know, that even if BM gets her sh*t together, she is probably going to stay selfish and self-destructive. That's for the in-laws to get on their own. So all you can do is sit back and watch them learn it.

2. SD is somewhat a product of genetics and environment. You are probably right on thinking that she may be spoiled and manipulative BUT LET ME STRESS - that does not make her a "bad" kid. It makes her a product of her upbringing. She's used to getting her way, and that's how she knows how to do it. And she is also getting attention that she needs. Don't forget, this child has been abandoned by her own mom. So while she may not be saying those things, she is probably feeling them. And everyone tripping over themselves to spare her feelings can actually add to that feeling of abandonment, if that makes any sense. Like, my mom "hates" me, so everyone else is trying to make me feel better. I don't know if I am saying this clear, but your SD may be working some additional issues out of her system besides the normal 11 year old. I have to say that I would suggest getting her into counseling. Also...

3. I would also suggest you stop feeling bad when you actually parent her. So what if she cries or gets mad about housework!!?? Too bad for her! The thing is, if she were your bio kid, you wouldn't care if she was mad, you would make her do it. That's part of OUR (meaning you, me and our DH's) issue. We are so busy trying to watch ourselves, that we feel bad when we actually do the right thing as a parent!! This is behavior that you need to break. Does this make sense? Think about these issues as they arise. If your son was doing the same thing, your response would be the same, but would your reaction? If not... if you are feeling worse for SD "because of her BM" then you are helping to add to her "victim status".

So... in addition to counseling for your SD, I would suggest a few sessions with your husband and you to make sure that you guys are all okay as well. Over here, we got SD set up with a counselor she liked and could relate to. And then, when things exactly as you spoke about would come up, DH and/or I would talk to the counselor just to help us work the kinks out of our response / reactions.

I hope this helps. You can check out some of my past blogs if it helps at all.. But know you are not alone.!!

I believe some of this behavior is typical of an 11 year old and at times it is over the top. I agree with all the points Stick made above, she could be working through somethings at this point regarding her mother. However, don't excuse her behavior by treating her differently. Treat her as you would your own child, afterall you are the only role model she has at this point of a MOM and or a WOMAN. At 11 years old, she is still trying to find herself and she will do that through peers, tv, magazines, etc. It's important to stay strong and be there for her. However, I would talk to DH about what you are feeling. Stress the importance of him supporting you emotionally and you both need to communicate on a daily basis about what is happening. You need to be a team and be on the same page, otherwise it will be a disaster.

You say you feel like a bad mother. Don't. You are not this girls mother, you are her really great stepmother. You have taken too much on yourself, partly due to your husbands apathy and partly because like me, you are a natural organiser and carer. There is a limit to the responsibility and blame you should take on yourself. I would recommend recent blog posts by naturalmom425 on disengaging! I also have a laid back DH who sometimes needs to be read the riot act to get him back on page with regard to rule management. I have had SO many rows with him over contribution, rules and enforcement, but after a long struggle we are mostly on the same page now. A lot of the time disciplinary apathy from the BD can be put down to fear and insecurity if they don't live with their kids full time, your DH doesn't have that excuse.

On her behaviour: It is really stressful trying to maintain good behaviour and co-operation from SKs with no clear rules and structure in place. And it makes it easier for Dad to ignore lapses and problems. Does she have agreed chores every week? Or does she just get asked to do stuff as and when? Because the first thing I would suggest is that at 11 she should have a modest number of chores, you should sit down and agree with your husband what these should be, then he should take the lead in sitting down with you and SD and agreeing them with her. They should be things your husband can observe and support(!) and it could be introduced in a positive way 'you're getting so big and smart now we think you're old enough to help out, and get an allowance for it'. I saw a great idea on another forum where a SM links the chores to their monthly allowance, which is put in dollar bills at the start of the month on the top of the fridge. If SD does not do a chore, a dollar is taken out. The SM (I wish I could give her credit but I forget where I saw this) said nothing sends a clearer message than if they only get $13 at the end of the month instead of $25 (or whatever amount you agree). She may start off complaining and kicking up a fuss, but if the rules are clear, and you and DH reisterate them consistently, she will soon get the message. It will also be harder for your DH to wriggle out of enforcement if he has agreed her chores in writing! Please note that it took me THREE YEARS to get a proper chore list up on our fridge, but it made all the difference in the world.

On your DH's role. You have been so great at parenting that it sounds like he has forgotten that this 11 year old is HIS responsibility. Remind him that you are not her mother and have worked really hard to bring her up, because of your love and committment to him. He needs to show the same level of committment to you by shouldering his share of the responsibility. She is 11, she is on the verge of puberty, from this point on your DH has to take a more prominent role in managing and discipling her. You need to make him aware of the changes that are going to start happening and that he needs to step up his fathering accordingly. Teens are challenging and need the authority of their birth parent. If he doesn't it's not just you, his supportive wife who will suffer unfairly, it's SD, who will start pushing other boundaries and may end up making herself very unhappy and getting herself into trouble. The other thing I would recommend is thinking about how much your DH helps around the house. My DH has chores too (although I am more tactful in phrasing this!), that way he understands how much work I am doing, and has a personal interest in his SD's doing their's too. It reduces my resentment!

On your relationship with your SD: You're feeling frustrated that she doesn't appreciate you. One of the most valuable things I read when I was in a step-parenting crisis was that as a stepmum you have to look to your partner for your apppreciation, because ultimately he's why you're doing this. Children are programmed to take things for granted so it's a route to misery if you keep seeking your reward from the SKs. I would say that my SK's have shown me appreciation at times, but went through an 'appreciation gap' between about 8 and 18 (a long time!). I know that my older SK's are quietly appreciative of my efforts now they're old enough to stand back and understand what has gone on in our family.

On SDs behaviour to your BS. This is a tricky one. The only thing I can think of is if you do what Proud_Arrow suggested and try to sit down and have an 'adult' conversation with her about how you need her to set a good example to your BS. If she misbehaves and gets him involved then maybe focus less on his being involved and more on 'YOU broke this rule, this is the consequence' (e.g. deduct money from the allowance jar), and also discipline BS in a way apppropriate for his age.

One other thought, when you talk to your DH you could try gently making a connection between the BMs lack of boundaries and stability (this is the understatement of the year given what you've written about her! but in order to come across as constructive when you say this to him it's best to avoid anything which could be seen as bitchiness!) and his daughters increasing lack of respect for small boundaries. If his daughter can't respect basic rules how is he going to enforce more important ones, like curfews, later on? If he wants his daughter to have some boundaries and not turn out like his wife then he needs to start maintaining some boundaries NOW. My husband works in IT so I sometimes try to use work analogies that he might relate to. In project management they say that a project that ends up way over time and cost slips one day at a time. That means that it's the little decisions and slips day by day that add up to a major problem. How does a child get to go off the rails? One day at a time, and it's the little turning a blind eye and ignoring inappropriate behaviour that encourages that to happen.