Mother-in-law wants to discuss his ex
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Hi, hope this is a good spot for this question! My new mother-in-law has offered to discuss sometime my husband’s past relationship with his ex. I’m sorely tempted because I’m hoping she can give me some insight to some of his behaviors that he has difficulty discussing (ex: why he’s so fearful of asking her for ANYTHING, even if it’s good for the kids).
My instinct is that it’s not a good thing to get the scoop from her but ...
Any thoughts greatly appreciated
Once you invite someone into
Once you invite someone into your marriage, especially family, it's very difficult to revoke that invitation.
Your DH has to learn how to communicate with you. At best, MIL is going to give you the information you're craving. However, that won't make your DH change his ways. It isn't likely going to make things any easier for you to accept (in fact, it may do the exact opposite when you *know* the problem and *have* a solution that he won't implement).
My advice? If this is bothering you this badly and is affecting your marriage, go to counseling. Don't invite others in who aren't paid, trained professionals.
Good advice
You’re spot on, needed to hear it from someone else. Thank you!
Totally agree.
Insight about your spouse may be one thing. Insight about your spouse's ex may be another. I'd be concerned that your MIL might offer a less than objective view (whether intentional or subconscious, could be anything in any direction; I'm not trying to lead any comment at all) that might be unhelpful. A professional counselor is definitely the best way to go. The counselor can get your H to know it's ok to talk about *whatever it is* and get it out to address anything that isn't working. His mom, OTOH, well... She's his mom. She'll always see her son (however she does) and want to protect him (in some way or another) and maybe even be there by his side (in his marriage, even if in a small way).
She has his best interests in mind. So do you. I'd recommend talking to the counselor first to find a way to thank her for her willingness to help but to decline, maybe a simple, "Thank you for your generous offer, I may circle back to you some time... I think it'll help us grow together if we work through it as a couple at this point."
Best of luck.
To be fair to your husband...
To be fair to your husband... do you think he would be in favor of his mother baring dirty laundry with you? Do you think MIL might have some ulterior motive here? Do you think perhaps she is too involved in her son's relationships?
I might tell your DH what your MIL offered. Ask HIM what he thinks about that. I mean, really, would you want your DH getting the unvarnished "truth" about your past relationship issues? or.. someone's version of the truth?
This seems like a way to get information that in the end may not be true.. or helpful.
Another thought,
and I don't know anyone involved of course, but maybe his mom always bailed him out of everything and she's trying to do that here? Maybe he wants his mom to step in for him because he doesn't quite know how? I'd hope not.
Maybe his ex is truly horrible (as in MAJOR issue like her family has a long, wide streak of something really nefarious) and he's protecting the kids by not letting it be open discussion with folks.
Whatever, should be handled w professionals, I think.
Don’t engage in that kind of
Don’t engage in that kind of conversation, I made the same mistake, trusted my MIL . she always had things to say about BM, I didn’t realize she was telling BM things about my marriage till lately and looking back she has played a big part in lots of problems we’ve had and now that she knows for sure we’ll divorce she seems happy about it and even mentioned to DH why it’s taking so long, DH will be going on vacation and shes planning to go with him , she’s now showing she wants her son to herself, and guess what BM warned me in a friendly way but I never listened.
I would be careful
I would be careful with the meddling mother in law. Would you be thrilled with your mother having a secret conversation where she gave your DH the skinny on your previous failed relationships? You don't want to obviously slap her in the face either and make an enemy. So far this is an "offer." I would do my best to avoid being alone with her and change the subject any time she starts talking about BM. You can't be certain what you hear from your MIL will be the truth. It could be the truth as she understands it but is wrong or her own personal agenda or just something from her imagination. Your marriage is between you and your DH. Keep it that way.
I would be furious to the
I would be furious to the point of divorce if DH and my mother had a conversation like that, OMG. So disrespectful. Ask DH if you want to know about his last marriage.
2 of my sil now the goss about everything because
everything is reported to them so they told me when i got engaged and after i had my daughter how bat shit crazy and useless exwife was. Hubby dealt with things internally but his family could see how miserable he was with her. They did give me alot of insight into the dysfunction and chaos and it was all correct.
just because he never voiced things doesn’t mean they don’t know stuff. In my case hubbys sis lived in the duplex next door and neighbors reported things to her that were quite worrying and they struggled to tell hubby.
At his family home in the country everyone was enjoying themselves and exwife starts screaming at hubby that he needs to take her and kids back home immediately and this was a religious holiday/public holiday that you celebrate with your family always... hubbys father told hubby bluntly “divorce her, she’s sabotaged your life and career and you simply cannot stay married to her for the sake of the kids as this isn’t a healthy relationship to begin with”.
inlaws have told me about the skids and their dysfunction and believe me they see a huge difference with my kids. Also in my situation hubbys sil is a spy for the exwife but nobody likes her so she tries to make herself 1 of the family by trying to criticise my husband courtesy of exwifes communication with her except i’m on good terms with the family and this sil and exwife can’t stand it...
so if mil wants to give you the goss and she said it in a helpful friendly manner then listen... often there were things I suspected amongst the family and then sil tells me and then i’m like “ahah i get it now”...
if she is being helpful, see it as a weapon to counteract the bullshit and drama skids and exwife bring along, you’ll at least be equipped to handle things a bit better and not take the bullshit