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It Happened Now...

FrustratedandLost's picture

I put a post up not too long ago about my sister in law telling me that SD was planning on staying with us most of the summer but not telling DH or me (I never get told anything.) So she called last week when she was almost here and said she would be at our house in a little while. I got so mad and told my husband that she was incosiderate and not courteous and disrespectful. He got mad at me and said that he was tired of my attitude whenever she came around. Fast forward to Saturday night, we were all playing cards and my sister in law and niece were here. I asked how long SD was staying and she said she doesn't have a date yet if that's ok, to which my sister in law said that SD would stay at her house sometimes. I didn't say anything then came back with at least SD would be here when my parents come from out of state 4th of July. Then I dropped the subject. I wanted to say does it really matter if it's ok with me or not because you're going to do what you want anyways but bit my tongue on that one. 

SD went camping for three days and my DH and I had a huge argument during the week when SD was not here and he told me he's tired of me having an attitude when someone comes, meaning his daughter. I said that all I was asking for was respect and courtesy of being told so that I could make sure the room was clean for SD and that I could have dinner cooked for when she got there. He said he didn't care if anything was clean and she could get her own food. We talked about his anger issues that he has, from contributing factors in his past, and he basically told me that he doesn't care if I liked his SD being here or not. He does not have a relationship with his oldest SD because IMO his lack of discipline towards his youngest SD, letting youngest SD get what she wants, not telling YSD no and because OSD and DH butted heads too much. So he told me he already lost one daughter and I told him that wasn't my fault so don't blame me. I told him that he never taught his kids to respect me and that was because he didn't respect me. I told him that he's never had my back and that I wasn't going to put up with his attitude in our house and that he should have my back. He said that I should tell SD if something needs to be done or change and I ask him if he was going to have my back, to which he said depends how you talk to her. I told him do you really think I'm going to ask her in a mean way so I have to deal with her attitude? NOT!  After going around with him and not getting anywhere, I told him that all I was asking for was respect and consideration from him and SD. But that didn't get anywhere with him. He said that he's depressed and I told him that I was too but I wasn't afraid to get help for it. (I have a counseling appointment this week for me.) So, I finally said that there's no reasoning with someone like him and walked away. I can tell that I will never win in this situation with his daughter and him. 

He has been silent for the most part with me for about a week and a half now. We make small talk and that's about it. Sometimes I feel like I am stuck and wonder what it would be like if I just threw my hands up in the air and said I'm done. I know DH wouldn't care because he has that kind of mentality. I see how my aunt who went through a divorce less than two years ago, is happy and has her own space and am a little envious of her. I think about what it would be like to have my own space and be able to do what I want and not have to deal with his family, i.e. SD problems. But I'm a little scared. 

Thanks for reading. Sorry this was so long. 


lieutenant_dad's picture

Anytime I hear about these parents going on tirades about the SP needing to show respect to their kids, that they want SPs to speak up but they might only back them depending on how they sound, etc all I want to say to those parents is:

Are you a bad parent or a bad partner? Because you either chose a partner who is toxic/abusive to your kid so you can get some OR you know your kid is a PITA but don't want to be the bad guy to them. You can't berate your partner in regards to your kids without looking at yourself to see if you, as the parent, either effed up choosing a partner or are an ineffective, crappy parent.

Also, divorce isn't that bad. It hurts like hell, and you have to relearn what it means to be you but that's not a bad thing. You adjust to your new budget, which I think is a lot of people's worry. Plus it's just fun to go try things you couldn't or didn't while married. I'd take divorce again over my last marriage any day of the week. You don't realize how soul-crushing some relationships are until you're out.

FrustratedandLost's picture

I agree. He effed up raising his kids and didn't deal with them when he should've because he got tired of dealing with their attitudes. But if anybody tries to say anything agains them, he has a protective attitude and gets mad. DH daughter is a manipulative, guilt-tripping, whining, brat. The other night when she came home and DH and I weren't really talking, I was in our room and after a while I could hear the muffle of their voices and could hear her crying and saying he doesn't care about SD and that DH only cares for SP. WHAT A BUNCH OF MANIPULATIVE BS! He falls for it every time too. It's funny how DH sticks his head in the sand when it comes to dealing with her but if you say something against her, he pops his head up and starts squaking! His sister has even said that his kids were brats. I wonder if SD is jealous of me because I'm with her dad and all his attention is not on her? That is when she is most happy, if the attention is on her. Nobody will say anything to her about her attitude when she says something smart to them, they don't correct her. I'm talking about his family. I wasn't raised that way. If we were disrespectful to anybody, we were corrected real quick. But the kids now a days have no respect for anything or anybody. 

CLove's picture

There are a few different ways to deal with this situation:

1. Continue how you are going. Explain and have bullet points and diagrams with charts. He will still think you "hate my kid and are picking on my kid'...nothing will change.

2. Establish yourself with SD and others (SIL and others) that you are Queen B. This is your HOME, and if anyone is staying in your HOME then they check with you first. If they are coming over they check with you first. Its RESPECTFUL. Explain it carefully and calmy without emotions. Do this directly with Skids. Shut that chit down.

3. Not argue about it, just do nothing. No cleaning, no shopping, no cooking. You make PLANS. You are no where to be seen. If daddy cakes wants to have an open door policy (or revolving door) then its ALL on him.

hregal2011's picture

Your situation sounds similiar to mine.  It's so hard to deal with.  My husband felt guilt about not managing SD better and blamed himself for her sudden issues so it seemed like by defending SD he was also trying to defending himself.  And they don't want to 'lose' the connection to the kids. No one does, but their should be boundaries and expectations.  It's hell until that happens.  We told her what days my DH had off and that she can come over then, if she makes other plans that's on her.  This way no sudden drop ins and plans aren't ruined here.  We have 3 other kids to coordinate so it gets tough.  She is always welcome to drop by if we are home but she would have to drive/get her license..

its unreasonable to want to know when SD is coming over. Not at all.