Sadness and Legalities
It makes me so sad to see the sadness on SO's face as he is increasingly unsuccessful in trying to see his children. The two older boys have been PAS'd and the young girl is held hostage by her BM. We get her when he can find her at home and will open the door. Since she has refused to return to mediation we are going to go see yet another attorney tomorrow. Even so, from what I've been told, it will take several weeks to months to get in front of a judge to enforce parenting time with the father. We are even more complicated in that SO is on unemployment and cannot come up with the large retainers these attorneys want. It only works to his advantage in that he has no CS order. However, the price in emotional toll is not comparable. I've been reading many sites on father's rights and custody battles and it seems that men have few rights. If they leave the family home (as mine did) he gives De Facto custody to the mother. Even in cases like ours where the BM has attempted suicide, has child protection reports against her and has acted in threatening, abusive, aggressive and PAS ways ever since, judges tend to leave the children with her so as not to disrupt their schedule and lives. Even when they are lazy losers like our BM (quit nursing school right before completion, of course SO paid) and now cries poor, even when she gets food stamps (my doing) and will not take work that is "beneath her," judges tend to leave the children with them and make the father the "visitor." The visitor who has to pay royally. In effect, the mentally unstable, lazy, lying, unpredictable, abusive mother is rewarded with custody, child support and possibly support for her. Somehow, I'm not ok with that. If we want to prove her the less fit parent, we get to pay for the professionals to prove that. Any thoughts?
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Fran: I read your post. My
Fran: I read your post. My heart goes out to you and SO. There are many males and steps on here that have experienced the same thing, "the tender mother doctrine" that pretty much says custody goes straight to the BM regardless. The courts are supposably realizing this is old school and isn't the best avenue always. They are supposably trying to remedy this. But frankly, I still see posts on here daily showing otherwise.
Well....I'm not sure if this will be helpful, or something that you want to try. BUT, there is one other way I think, IF you want to go that route. You say there is no custody order in place right now, so DH could petition for a Domestic Violence Protective Order on behalf of the "minors" depending on state-to-state law because you quoted these things that meet the requirement criteria:
"child protection reports against her and has acted in threatening, abusive, aggressive and PAS ways ever since"
-or- SO could petition on behalf of himself if BM has physically abused, touched, etc. I explained the other day to someone that there is no time limit of when the abuse happened (After the OJ/Nicole incident the (time limit was removed.) Just that DH was in imminent fear. These requirements would enable DH to move ex-parte (one-sided) to get a temporary custody order of the kids.
It's done all the time, and every "high priced" attorney will usually do this 1st thing upon your retaining them. It's almost like a race to the courthouse to get this 1st. This pretty much gets an order in place and allows you to get the kids immediately with police assistance if necessary, then the court sets on for the 6 month order hearing--This is the one where she gets the opportunity to come in and tell her side of the story, and try to get either her own order against DH, or try to stop DH from getting his 6 month order. This would give you time to get your custody case going in order to get a permanent child custody order.
This kinda gives an upper hand to you, and essentially gets the ball rolling. There really needs to be a custody order in place quickly, otherwise you can't really move left -or- move right. With no order, there would be nothing stopping BM from taking off with the kids, with absolutely no penalties. So you're question above is:
"If we want to prove her the less fit parent, we get to pay for the professionals to prove that. Any thoughts?"
My answer is "yes, you get to pay for the professionals to prove that." As messed up as that is. It really has the potential to get quite expensive. You may want to sit down and have a talk w/yourselves to see how you want to proceed and if you want to take this on right now? If you're truly worried about the kids physical being and trying to get them safe w/you immediately, then this is a way to do that.
Just to let you know that this is going to an uphill battle, for sure. Don't want to be the bad news bear, but hope this helps you!
Thank you for your post. We
Thank you for your post. We do not have enough bedrooms here. Would that matter if he filed an OOP?
F.
It would bring EVERYTHING
It would bring EVERYTHING under a microscope. Sorry...