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Almost Over

Francesca's picture

I haven't posted in a long time as I've barely had my head above water. My SO is almost divorced. We fought as long as we could but the money is running out. It seems that to prove a mother unfit you need a lot of money. We were almost at the point of hiring a custody evaluator until we were told he needed a 7k retainer. I looked for a lesser cost person (although that one had come highly recommended) and found several for 5k. Well, we simply don't have that kind of money. I asked SO's attorney to ask BM's attorney for a meeting. He said they will never agree. I said try anyway. He asked the judge who thought that was a splended idea. They met. SO did not get legal custody or residential custody but he got more time and many other things he wanted. We will continue to fight for residential custody after the divorce. Emotionally and financially we cannot go on right now. He needs to be divorced and the longer he fights the longer he is married. BM continues to act crazy. She started screaming at me on 4th of July to "shove my fxxxxing" baby clothes up my fxxxxking ass." I told her those were her daughter's doll clothes (I put them in the backpack). The next week she told SO she bought tickets to a soccer game for them to go. It never ends. The children are still in the middle. The 5 year old girl told me her job is to bring daddy back. I asked her how she was supposed to do that? She said to tell daddy I miss him and want him to come home. I said I see, how does that make you feel? She said sad, I feel sad. I want everybody to be friends. We are hoping that BM will start to violate court orders after the divorce and we can eventually get a change of residential custody.


realitycheckmom's picture

What the five year old told you is a clear example of PAS. You need to get her a psychologist and have her tell them who told her that was her job and document everything.

not_the_momma's picture

What state are you in?

Document, document, document! It may take a while to get custody, but you won't get it without lots of documentation. A notebook or calendar to record violations makes it easy. Be as specific as you can!

Francesca's picture

We have lived together over three years. B, has been fighting everything and violating court orders. We are her stable family not her crazy BM.

oneoffour's picture

Speaking as a woman who was left behind it would have REALLY brought out the absolute screaming nutso banshee woman in me if my ex and his gf decided to want full custody of my kids. Not only would I have lost my husband I would have lost the kids as well. That is enough to send a sane woman off the deep end let alone a functional crazy chick.

Back off. Keep a low profile. She will never be your friend. Accept it as a fact. And document out your arse. Get a binder and keep copies of every crazy stunt she pulls. Always be nice to the kids. When her daughter says it is her job to get Daddy home just smile and say "Honey, this is now Daddy's home." It may take a couple of years until you get enough evidence. Maybe even get the kids into counselling for 6 weeks to 'transition' them into the 2 home ststus quo.

She is trying to make it into a competition for their love. If you refuse to engage she cannot win.

Francesca's picture

Well when you BMs go bat shit crazy youn should think about your children and what you are doing to them. Also think about how that makes us StepMoms believe you shouldn't have custody especially if you put your kids in the middle of the divorce.
And us StepMoms have to do damage control and soothe the kids' hearts and minds. If men pulled this crap they'd have supervised visitation and restraining orders.

Disneyfan's picture

Us SMs should think about the turmoil we cause when me make the CHOICE to get involved with men, live with, have children with men who are still married.

Francesca's picture

Well how did you all end up on a Step Parent site if you are not involved with men with children? Still married is a technicality. If it wasn't for our archaic court system this would have been over long ago.

Disneyfan's picture

Most of us met our SOs AFTER they were divorced. We are not all dating or living with married men.

Francesca's picture

Well as I said, married is a technicality. Contested divorces and custody battles in Illinois are averaging 4 years. Should he hang up his life until the day he finally unhinges the bitch? What does marriage mean to you? Just a piece of paper?

Francesca's picture

I find it interesting how "girlfriends" and "StepMoms" are so easily discounted. If I was ONLY the girlfriend I'd be sitting poolside waiting for a phone call. I moved to accomodate a small child by giving her a bedroom. I now have to share my income because my SO has to pay child support, maintenance and attorney and interpreter fees for the divorce. He incurs all travel expenses to see his daughter and has to provide food, clothing and entertainment while she is with us. I end up buying things she needs because he is broke. While all that is going on lazy BM lives with her mother, gets food stamps, child support and maintenance and a medical card. Nice life if you can get it. In addition to that the judge gave his seven thousand dollar tax return to BM and her attorney. He also maintains their joint property because the lazy you know what can't do anything but go Bat Shit Crazy. I am the one who does the damage control when the child is with us because the BM directs her hatred toward me. I am to blame for all of her problems in life, not her. I give baths, I wash clothes, I put band aids on boo boos. I shop for the Elmo Mac and Cheese and I pick up the Barbie toothbrush. I am the bigger person who holds her tongue when I hear "momma say you bitch." I'm the one who hired a mediator and I'm the one who found an in home counseling service for the kids because SO's parenting time is so limited it's almost impossible to get anywhere during office hours. AND the courts let a small child and a teenager live with a mentally ill, emotionally unstable and financially unstable mother because...... she is the mother? When she has a perfectly competent father and StepMother? Because he has to PROVE her unfit? Yes, he left her. She deserved to be left. He deserves a divorce. Does a man not have a right to a divorce? When a woman wants a divorce everybody rallies around her for support. When a man wants a divorce, he is abandoning her, leaving her behind? He paid through every orifice in his body for her and she misused the funds. I'm glad this is almost over so that we can move on and and have a life. I'm sad that we failed to be able to AFFORD to protect a five year old. Now she will stay with a crazy BM until which point we can get enough evidence or enough money to take her away. I also find it interesting that no one will interview this child. No lawyer, no judge. Well, we can't believe a five year old. Really? Do you believe her when she says she's hungry? tired? sick? But we can't rely on her testimony that her mother hits her in the face with shoes? That her mother tells her she cannot tell her father that she loves him or misses him? That she sleeps with her 15 year old brother? Or, best of all, that she is happiest in OUR home? Her pleas to stay with us have to go ignored because "she's not old enough to make that decision." We are reprimanded for bringing her back late when she removes all of her clothes and hides because she doesn't want to go back to her mother? We are told that's because we spoil her. I have heard more BS out of so called educated people that I could fill volumes of books.

Most Evil's picture

Don't waste your money, the BM will win custody simply because she has a uterus.

You also have to let her abuse the kids,mentally, there is really nothing you can do to stop it!!

At least we couldn't. Save your money and let her win. Sad but true, sorry dear.

tweetybird74's picture

Just because someone has a uterus does not mean they will "WIN" custody. That is crazy. My DH has full custody of his son, and guess what he DOES NOT have a uterus. Men have just as much right to be full time parents as women do. No on in a divorce wins, and the kids pay the worst out of everyone!

ctnmom's picture

If he cheated on her, he'll cheat on you. It's a fact that I've seen bear out. time and time again in my 48 years. Someday, YOU will be the crazy ex.

Disneyfan's picture


I will never understand why a woman would even want to be bothered with a man who is in the middle of a divorce. What happens if the new couple slips up and has a baby befor the guy's divorce is final?

Francesca's picture

What if? Seems women are having babies with all sorts of men these days. Every family is a blended family and everyone has children with multiple ex's. This is the time of baby daddy and baby momma? Right? For the record, I don't have children and don't plan to. We are almost 50. I mistakenly thought that we were all adults but I found out that BM was still a teenager, temper tantrums and suicide attempts. Maybe she'll have a seance.

Francesca's picture

If he cheats on me I'll move on. Why waste my life and energy on someone who has cheated? Why make myself look like a fool? I have an education, career, I don't need to scream on a doorstep making lewd gestures. It's called self-respect.

Disneyfan's picture

If you have a child and the new woman wants custody because you're " a POS mother", you will fight to the death to keep your child. This isn't a BM thing, it's a parent thing. You would not just move on and allow your exhusband and his new SO to just take your child.

Francesca's picture

She's not fightng for the child She's fighting to make him return to her. By keeping the children from him she thinks he'll come back. Get it? That was her statement. Divorce me and you'll never see your children again. What if a man said that? What if a man locked his doors and didn't answer the phone and tried to take the kids out of state because his wife wanted a divorce? What if a man lied, stole money, banged up the cars (in a fury) and tried to kill himself in front of the kids? What if the man trashed the garage claiming a break in? What if a man text, chased, screamed at and accused the wife's new boyfriend of crimes in court? What if the wife went to see her father in another country and upon her return was not allowed to see her children as they have been told she "forgot them?" I could keep going but you get the point. He'd have OOPs on him. Women seem to get away with murder. AND IF my husband was trying to take OUR kids away I'd be a little bit shrewder than her and be a STELLAR mom, not a maniac. I also find it interesting how NO ONE had used the words THEIR OR OUR children. Only MY children. I'm so disappointed in some of the responses here.

Francesca's picture

Wow, I haven't been on here in a while but it seems things have changed. People were very supportive before and shared their stories. Seems they saw "married" and very little else. Thanks for the post!

WickednNasty's picture

Sounds like text book examples of PAS.

Sorry to hear you've came here for support and feel attacked. It shouldn't be this way, until someone walks in your shoes they are nobody to cast stones.

I live in Illinois and the Court System here is unbelieveably PRO...BM (puke)

hereiam's picture

I think all you can do at this point, is proceed with the divorce and make her realize her tactics are not going to work. Show her that she is NOT going to be able to use the kids to get what she wants. It is hard getting custody away from a BM, as you are finding out.

So far, in a way, she is getting what she wants since he is not divorced yet. She is feeling pretty powerful, I'm sure. Knock her down a notch.

Document everything and hopefully, eventually you can try again.