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Issues with BM: temper tantrums and no boundaries

Evie Australia's picture

So I’m new here. And I am so so so glad that I am not alone in this! I’ve just gotten engaged to a truly lovely man with a less-than-lovely X and son. To be clear I don’t really blame SS4 for any of this, even though he is acting like a little monster lately. I think he is acting out BM’s ‘issues’ when he stays with us every other weekend.

DH and I moved in together a few months ago, and ever since SS4 and BM are both throwing temper tantrums on a pretty regular basis. BM texts DH endlessly. 10-20 times a day when she gets going, usually to verbally abuse him for being a crappy father, unreliable, unavailable for his son, etc. DH largely ignores texts so BM occasionally calls, drunk, to verbally abuse him. DH is reluctant to ignore late night calls in case there is a real emergency.

The hypocrisy of BM is truly astonishing. Last week she called a ‘co-parenting meeting’ (in a bar, which was truly bizarre) in which she spent an hour telling DH how he could be a more supportive co-parent to her. He came home with a typed 22 point list, most of which were actually pretty good ideas (shock!) from some website.

Last weekend we decided to try out the being a supportive co-parent thing on her. SS4 was caught knowingly breaking about three rules at once, clearly big-punishment territory. Once temper tantrum #3 had passed, and punishment allocated BM is called for reinforcement. BM thinks it is funny. BM says he does it ‘all the time’ at home, even though he ‘isn’t really allowed to.’ BM agrees to enforce punishment, but in a tone that says won’t really do it. This from the woman who not 5 days earlier was giving lectures on the importance of supportive co-parenting!

So not sure what to do about BM! Both BM and SS’s behaviour has only gotten crazy since DH and I moved in together (they don’t know we’re engaged yet) SS used to be generally nice kid. BM is totally willing to use SS as a pawn to get back at DH and me (that’s another post).

DH is reluctant to push for a ‘cast in stone’ custody arrangement that would guarantee minimal contact with BM. DH talks to SS on the phone two or three days a week right now, and BM works shifts so he often gets SS for more days than strict EOW would give him. I feel pretty shitty pushing an arrangement that lets him see even less of his son. But the temper tantrums have got to stop. BM and SS are both doing our heads in. Is there any other choice?!?!?

Thanks!

Comments

Cadence's picture

"DH is reluctant to push for a ‘cast in stone’ custody arrangement that would guarantee minimal contact with BM."

Why is this? Can you explain DH's reasoning? Is it because he just doesn't want to deal with BM's drama?

The two of you will be a lot happier if he starts prioritizing long-term peace over short-term drama. If he doesn't do that, you're both going to get long-term drama. This scenario doesn't get better without a DH becoming assertive, developing boundaries, and formalizing his rights in parenting time with his child. If he doesn't have this agreement, he continues to give BM power over him, and with an unbalanced high-conflict BM like yours, she will delight in holding this power.

Here's the crux of the matter: We as human beings have control over ourselves. We do not have control over the actions of other human beings. If a situation is causing us distress, the only way we can change it is to change our own actions. BM is going to do what she's going to do. SS is going to do what he's going to do. The two of you can only change things by putting up boundaries with BM and by being a good parent to SS and teaching him that there are consequences to bad behavior.

DH needs to stop answering phone calls from BM and granting her an audience. See, with BMs like this, they are reaching for any sort of emotional engagement with their ex. She gets an emotional reward over being allowed to rant to your DH. To her, it doesn't matter whether the emotional engagement is positive (laughs and reminiscing) or negative (arguing and frustration). When he gets off the phone, he feels drained and resentful, and she feels energized because she knows that her need to release emotions is still relevant in his life. But, when they split, it became totally inappropriate for his ex-wife to seek engagement from him. You can't control her actions, but DH can 100% control his, so it's up to him to stop allowing this nonsense.

From now on, all of her calls go to voicemail. If he's worried, he can listen to the voicemail message. 99.9% of the time, it's not going to be an emergency and he should not respond to her. She needs to learn that the days of picking up the phone and getting an audience with DH ended when their marriage ended.

Also, try to shift all communication about the kiddo to written format. Emails and texts. Now, if you have a BM like mine, she will blow up his phone with 80 page texts. He needs to ignore anything that isn't about needed parenting. She will continue to use the kid as a way to be allowed to vent her anxieties and emotions to him. He needs to discern whether it is truly about the kid, or if she's mentioning the kid but it's really about her.

Unless there are matters that are very concerning, there is no need for "in-person" parenting meetings. Again, your DH is granting her an audience to stay connected to him because she says it's about the child. He needs to stop falling for that and determine for himself whether it is about his child or if it is about his ex. If it's about the child, does it need to be anything other than written communication. He's allowed to make these determinations and stop letting BM run the parenting show. He is an equal to her, he is not her employee, so he needs to stop acting like it.

A list of "how he can be a better co-parent to her?" WTF? Let me guess - the items were representative of how a husband treats a wife. Emotionally supportive, there for her to meet her needs, there to cover up any episodes of half-assed parenting. Sorry, but BM is on her own because she can't handle co-parenting and she clearly does not respect your DH's autonomy or that he is in a new relationship. She is too high-conflict for "amicable co-parenting." It just cannot be done with this type of BM. She will make your lives miserable, because that's what she wants. Doesn't your DH see that?!

Read up on the differences between co-parenting and parallel parenting with a high conflict ex. You guys need to shift to parallel parenting. BM will scream and shout that this is bad for SS, but any research will tell you that children of divorce are damaged by the presence of conflict. BM continues to produce conflict, and your SS is hearing it/watching it. What is best for SS is peace and cooperation, and the only way to get there is to put limits on interaction with BM.

You and he need to come up with a list of items that need to be discussed with BM regarding the child. It should look something like this "schedule changes, health and emotional health, schooling, agreeing on and arranging extra-curriculars." You can see that this isn't much. DH needs to refer back to this list to get in the habit of ruling in or ruling out communication from BM. Note that BM's feelings aren't on the list. Note that she'll try to dress up her desire for connection as being "about SS", but your DH is free to refer back to the list of needed parenting to re-orient himself.

BM knows exactly how to get what she wants from your DH. She has refined her methods over the years, and she pushes the buttons that she knows will get results. That is why she continues to manipulate - it's working! DH needs to be working on himself to recognize her manipulations and to re-wire those same buttons that she always pushes, so her pushing them does not get the result she has come to expect.

That's how you get the BM under control. Expect her attempts at engaging him with conflict to increase once he places needed boundaries on her. He's allowed her way too much power, and she's not going to like that power being reduced. He needs to stay strong and not let down any boundaries, and she will eventually settle down.

As for SS, your DH needs to demand that he treat you with respect as an adult member of the household. Just like SS is expected to respect teachers, coaches, and other adults in his life, he can be respectful of you. DH needs to tell him flat out that he doesn't need to like you but he does need to respect you.

Another thing is that DH needs to not be scared to discipline his son. Temper tantrums should have consequences, otherwise SS will learn that he gets what he wants by throwing a tantrum. BM will probably resort to PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome) as a way to continue to "punish" DH and you. It sucks, it's absolutely awful that parents will emotionally damage their own kids, but this BM is probably already doing it. It could be the reason SS has been acting out lately.

Resources:

For you and DH about stepparenting and boundaries with ex-wives: "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin
For you and DH regarding SS's behavior: parenting classes
For you and DH regarding BM PASing SS: "Divorce Poison" by Richard Warshak. There is also a movie geared toward kids that you could show to SS called "Welcome Back, Pluto"

blayze's picture

Cadence, this is awesome...one of the most concise and informative essays I've ever read on this site about how to deal with a boundary-less baby mama. You have summed it up completely. Thank you, lady!

OP, please bookmark this if you want PEACE.

Evie Australia's picture

Thanks so much Cadence! You are awesome. She totally does treat him like an employee. That analogy is so spot on. I think I kind of already knew some of this stuff, but didn't want to deal with it. (Still don't!)

DH does realise that BM is calling 'about SS' and then talking about her own needs instead. He has tried discussing and ignoring the 80 page texts, but with no result. The whole co-parenting thing last weekend was a last-ditch attempt to convince her to be helpful -on her own terms. That is why I'm wondering if it is time to go to no-contact parenting.

I think that SS's behaviour is a reflection of his mother's attitude. She will be openly disrespectful to DH even knowing that she is on speaker phone and SS and I are potentially listening. Heaven knows what she says when we're not around.

DH does not tolerate temper tantrums, lying or breaking 'big' rules (anything dangerous or extremely messy) which means SS's weekend are pure hell at the moment. Last visit SS spent almost all of Sunday crying in his room because every time he came out he broke a 'big' rule within an hour, and we wouldn't listen to the tantrum, and quickly ran out of privileges to take away. Visit before that, he staged a hunger strike in which he ate almost nothing until 3:30 in the afternoon on Saturday. He seemed to think that if he refused all real food we'd feed him ice cream or a doughnut for lunch. It didn't work… This kind of behaviour has never been tolerated in the time I've known DH, so I can't imagine where its coming from, if not BM.

Oh, and the good ideas on the list were things like having DH take SS to swimming (alone) once a month, attending some soccer games, and the whole concept of each parent enforcing the other's punishments as necessary (sounded good on paper…)

Kes's picture

I'm sorry, but he needs the cast in stone custody arrangement. Minimal contact and definitely don't indulge BM like he is at the moment with "co-parenting meetings"!!!!

My DH was a bit like this when we first met - used to try and appease a BM with narcissistic personality disorder. It does not work. The more ground they give, the more BM demands. Eventually, DH started realising I was right when I kept telling him appeasing her had the opposite effect. Now on the rare occasions they have phone contact, he puts the phone down the MOMENT she raises her voice. You both need firm boundaries and he needs to enforce them. With the child and the mother.

Evie Australia's picture

I like the idea of hanging up every time she raises her voice. How much worse did it get before it got better tho? Sad

Evie Australia's picture

He is scared of BM's ability to limit his contact with SS. She has in the past and no doubt will try again. Then she blames him for being an unavailable, distant father.