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DD is really having a rough go

Dusti's picture

The last update I gave was bm adopted the babies and dd started counseling. DD is really struggling and not coping well. She is having nightmares about losing things and not finding them. Her Dr gave her some anti depressants to help but I am only seeing a slight improvement.

I left dh. When the babies were maybe 6 weeks old I came home with dd to find ss and the babies in our home with dh. They were hanging out in the living room and it was the first time dd had seem them since the hospital. She sobbed like I have never seen and she didn't want to put them down and was almost hysterical when dh took ss and the twins home. She didn't leave her room for 3 days and she just stayed in bed. I was really really worried about her. I realized then that this couldn't happen again so I got her up and we left. Dh is constantly putting pictures of his "grandbabies" all over facebook. It's like he is a proud papa wanting to show the world his grandkids when they are bm's children now.

So that is where we are right now. DD is getting her GED and I am spending a lot of money on therapy for her and me. I am so livid that bm has my daughters babies and that they are all over there enjoying themselves when my dd is struggling so bad. The worst part is that dd changed her mind and wants them. I was afraid this would happen. She is constantly on social media finding pictures of them and crying over not having them. Her dr has talked to her about not doing that but she isn't listening yet.

Comments

Dusti's picture

They are bms children and she blackmailed my dd into having them for her. Those kids were a result of ss taking advantage of my dd. SS was experienced in seducing women and my dd was a little slow and a virgin. Age was just a number in this situation.

ESMOD's picture

Ok, is your daughter clinically diagnosed as having a developmental delay or defect? Are there proven cases of this child(boy) seducing adult women? If so, I am not sure, but I would think that if it is proven that your daughter is clinically mentally unfit and had the mental capacity of a 8 year old.. then I doubt she would have been prosecuted. Has she been diagnosed as mentally impaired?

Dusti's picture

She was very premature and hit all her milestones late. She doesn't have a diagnosed problem she is just slow and naive in some areas.

twoviewpoints's picture

Your daughter made her own decisions. Doesn't matter what you think or believe. The law is the law and your personal feelings aren't going to change that. Your daughter was not and is not a victim.

You should have moved much farther away and did so right after the birth. The babies have been adopted, there is no need to hang around the area. You aren't helping your daughter by continuing this victim role and launching all this hate and resentment towards exSS, exDH , BM and the babies.

WalkOnBy's picture

They are his biological grandchildren. I totally understand why he wants to spend time with them and brag about them om FB :? :? :?

DaizyDuke's picture

Yes, I was rather confused by that comment as well. Whether they live with BM or whether they live with Santa.. they are your DH's grandbabies and as such why would he NOT want to see them and show them off???

ESMOD's picture

Recap:

This is the DD that had sex with her younger step brother and got pregnant and wanted to erase every sign of the fact that she had done something wrong (raped a boy). Right?

Comment:

Yikes, this has got to be a hard situation for everyone involved. I completely understand if the BM wouldn't want your daughter involved since I don't think she really has taken ownership for her role in this and hasn't shown remorse for anything or anyone but feeling sorry for herself.

That being said, the situation Is what it IS. I only really see two scenarios here.

1. You leave your DH and take your daughter away and start a life somewhere different.

2. You all figure out a way for this to work for everyone. BM has custody. Would there ever be any chance of her allowing your daughter to have a place in the Twin's life? Not as mom, but allow her to be involved? It might require a lot of soul searching on all parts and a lot of contrition and apologies on your daughter's side.

Your daughter has to first come to terms with the fact that THIS happened and it was her fault. She made a monumental mistake and she is going to have to live with the consequences. Nevertheless, there are TWO babies that don't deserve to grow up with drama and chaos in their lives. If your daughter can't be involved in a mature way, she needs to stay away for the children's sake.

It has got to be hard for her to see the babies. I understand that it is both her maternal instinct kicking in as well as a constant reminder of her mistakes. I don't know if there is any kind of waiting period where a parent can change their mind. I imagine that the BM still has it over her head about pressing charges for the rape...so I guess that is probably off the table.

TBH, your daughter sounds extremely immature and it doesn't seem that you are supporting her in the right way. Instead of taking her side against the BM and SS, you should be trying to help her understand how her mistake created this situation and that the BM is just trying to do the best she can with a bad situation.

It is almost like you are acting like the affluenza teens mom. he did a terrible thing and she was going to support him, no matter what.

If you want your marriage to survive, you need to start helping your daughter deal with reality instead of trying to shove the toothpaste back into the tube!

Dusti's picture

DD and i already left. I have forced dd to take responsibility for everything and she knows she was in the wrong and why. Please don't ever compare me to those affluent jackasses again. While dd is taking responsibility for what she did this is a very hard lesson for her to learn and for anyone to learn. Her lesson cost her, her children.

WalkOnBy's picture

how did her lesson cost her her children? She could have kept them. She didn't have to give them up.

You DO sound like Affluenza Mom. And your kid sounds like the Affluenza brat.

To those precious babies, it matters not one bit how they came into the world. They need to be loved and cared for. You and your daughter were unwilling to do that, and the BM stepped up.

The entire world doesn't stop turning because you and your daughter stamp your feet and act like babies.

Just. Stop.

ESMOD's picture

I'm sorry that most of what you got was that I compared this situation to the affluenza teen.

As others have pointed out, you seem to have coddled and babied your daughter and protected her from life and THAT is what in part led to this whole thing happening. She was a preemie and met milestones later so you babied her and created some cocoon of safety without really preparing her for life as an adult. So, when she WAS an adult she made a decision to do something that was illegal and had life altering impacts on not only her, but her children and the ss and his family. That is not too much different than that mother that did everything in her power to save her snowflake and protect him from bad things. That is where you and that woman are the same. You are protecting your child in spite of the fact that your child did something that was wrong. And you are doing it to the point that it is actually having a negative impact on her.

Stop hating and resenting the BM. You should be thankful that someone wanted to make a better life for those babies. Stop blaming the SS when your daughter was the adult. Stop blaming your DH for wanting a relationship with his grand children.

Start trying to mend fences and getting your daughter to mend fences with these people if she wants to be in her children's life. Again, is it too late to rescind her relinquishment of the babies? If it is, and if she wants to be in their lives, she is going to have to go through BM. It won't help if you keep giving her the justification to be angry at her.

You say you already left.. well, why were you back then? You are going to leave as in divorce your DH and you leave with your daughter if you want this behind you both with no reminders. I doubt your daughter will ever forget, but hey, you can try.

Truly, the best option is if some kind of peace can be brokered to allow your daughter to be involved in the twins life. This is going to require a lot of crow eating and accepting of ALL the responsibility. She can't go to BM and say "I'm sorry but your son just seduced me" You keep supporting that line and it isn't helpful. The only way she can do it is say "BM, I am so sorry for the mistake I made. I am sorry for all the pain I have put you and your family/son through. Please forgive me. I am working very hard to become a better person and I want to take responsibility for my actions. I also would like to be a part of the twins life. I know you are going to be their mother, but I would love to be part of their lives. I hope we can get past this so the babies can grow up with a large happy group of people to love and support them."

You need to stop blaming and being angry at them. Your daughter is hurting, but she is the one that caused this to happen. You do her no favors by telling her it isn't her fault.

ESMOD's picture

Thanks... all about the accountability. I understand it's easier said than done. Nothing tougher than swallowing your pride and admitting that you are in the wrong.

I am sure that BM was a terror to deal with and she used every trick in the book to get her way. But, the bottom line is, she wasn't doing this to HURT the daughter..but to protect her family and babies to be.

Aniki's picture

I agree completely. As much as we sometimes like to think, not all BMs are awful 100% of the time. 99%, maybe, but not 100%. Wink

Acratopotes's picture

Dusti - I'm going to say it as I see it, you where not a very good mother to your daughter I'm sorry, you thought you did the right thing and you coddled DD, instead of being an adult and say: DD you made this bed you will sleep in it, those babies did not ask to be born, you will raise them now, that's the consequences of having unprotected sex!!!

It's common sense to every woman who gave birth - the bond is there and as soon as you see the baby you love it and become a mamma bear - yes teenage girls have sex, yes they get pregnant and yes they want to get rid of the babies cause they messed up their young lives, it's up to the parent to teach them life lessons, live with your decisions...
If I was in your shoes I would've taken the babies, BM was the only on here thinking like an adult, she knew once the babies are there kids will change their attitude...

You forced your daughter to get rid of the babies, instead of forcing her to keep them, now you will have to live with the consequences. I suggest that you go to BM and say to her - BM you where right by keeping these babies, I know we do not like each other and we do not approve of what the kids did, but it would help DD is she can have visitation and be involved, not custody... I guarantee you BM would agree, this woman was not so stupid after all...

Dusti's picture

I did not force dd to give up her babies! I gave her space to make her own decisions. I told her if she kept them she would be raising them and I would help on a limited basis. I stayed out of my own way when it came to this so that dd's decision would be her own and it was her own. Bm won't let dd see the babies. She only got to see them when ss and dh brought them to our house.

Acratopotes's picture

Dusti - I'm not attacking you, you should've forced DD to keep the babies, and if she still refused you should've taken them, honestly you gave birth you know what it is to be hormonal and pregnant... and you know about the big change once the baby is born.... you've been there , you should've done more for DD, that's why I say you forced her to give it away, cause you stepped back and let her decide, a girl that could not even decide between right and wrong for having sex with the under age step brother...

You distance yourself cause you do not want to take the blame one day ... you prepared to tell DD - you made the decision not me...

You should've known that DH would want to see his grand kids and his own son....

You can fix this - DD wants to be part of the babies lives, arrange it, fix it before it's gone to far

zerostepdrama's picture

So BM is the adopted mom of the twins? Did SS also give up his rights as the father? Or is he still the dad? I'm a little confused. So is BM and SS the parents of the twins now?

Acratopotes's picture

BM is the guardian, SS did not sign the adoption papers if I recall correctly cause BM refused that the kids be adopted.

or maybe BM adopted the kids, but then SS had to sign as well...

Acratopotes's picture

as per Dusty her daughter is not the sharpest tool in the shed, .... SS is a master womanizer.... he seduce adult woman.

We agree on one thing, Dusti stepped back and did wrong by her daughter, if her daughter is really slow she should've put the girl on BC with her first period IMO.... it's medical fact that lower the IQ larger the sex drive... so you can't stop this girl from having sex, but you could've prevented pregnancy, hell I would've gotten a marine in that girl.

Acratopotes's picture

Aergia has been handing her cookie out since she was 13... and sorry to say, sluts hardly gets pregnant, they only get pregnant when they think they hit the jackpot ....

SO refuses Aergia taking BC... I engaged for 20min and said to her, let me know, I will take you to a clinic where you can get it for free, 3 months of pills and I will take you every 3 months your father does not need to know...

Somehow she's getting it on his medical, and she told him, she has hormonal problems and the doctor prescribed hormone pills, so that she can have babies one day if she wants any..... SO is very worried that there's something wrong with her... he's to stupid to look up what kind of pills it is... it's BC...

stupid girl only drinks 2 pills every Friday before she goes out... no one explained to her, drink a pill a day, same time, never skip a pill.... and she can't read the instructions.. ( I am being bitchy now.. the doc did explain but once again Aergia knows best)

Acratopotes's picture

Age does not matter when you talk about where babies comes from.... it depends on how you tell it and the mental and emotional maturity of the child. Deigma had the full monty age 7 - school sex ed, I had allot of explaining to do but then again, different world, grade 1 you are 7 years old... some kids only go to grade one at age 11 and sexual active..

We do not have allot of teen pregnancies over here... and well if a school girl gets pregnant, she can go to school till she has the baby, take 3 months off and go back to school... provided there's care for the baby, if not, they get a year off school..

ESMOD's picture

Good for you for keeping the lines of communication open with your boys. The only think I would suggest is that you make sure that the knowledge they got from friends/internet is actually ACCURATE.

As for your SD, I am going to throw this out there. If she does get pregnant, you are going to be negatively impacted. I would be telling my DH that if HE won't talk to her about it, YOU will. Even if you are disengaged, even if you are not her biggest fan. You need to make sure she understand how babies get here and how to prevent that. (plus STD's etc). Shoot, make it super scary as if he slept with that skank, your sleeping with ever person that skank slept with.. plus all their partners. Tell, her it is NOT your place but if she needs you to go to her dad to ask about BC, you will for her. She can also go to her mom.

I know it is overstepping, but I don't care. I don't want a pregnant teen on my hands.

ESMOD's picture

Good for you. Clear expectations and consequences are best.

Acratopotes's picture

humm okay - it's still true but they do not sterilize people anymore, there's things like BC you know...

I have 4 downs family members, 3 girls and 1 boy, all the girl where put on BC with their first period,
the boy is on a farm, 25 years old but his parents keeps an eye on him, he's not severe and a very nice young man,
woman loves him, but he's very shy around people..... his private collection in his room speaks a different story

I am in the 21st century.... and believe me if I had a kid that was different, BC would've been the way for me.

The point is OP could've put her child on BC way back then nothing of this would've been.... now the girl has to suffer, does that seem fair to you?

Just J's picture

Really? You need someone to tell you that being glad someone else is experiencing pain and anguish is mean? Good god she did wrong but she didn't kill anyone and certainly deserves some compassion for her horrible situation, no matter what the cause. Have a heart!

Just J's picture

Setiously? You're all acting like this girl attacked him in a dark alley and forced him at gunpoint to have sex. Let's not blow this out of proportion. The fact that she was 18 is a technicality, if she had been 17 would he still have been "raped"? If she had been his age would you all admit he could have been the aggressor? He was 14, not 7, and perfectly capable of having and acting on sexual feelings.

Just J's picture

Oh come on, there is a gigantic difference between a elderly man raping his minor step granddaughter and two teens having sex. No I don't agree that what the 18 year old did was ok, firstly because the boy was only 14, and secondly because he was her stepbrother (either fact by itself makes it wrong) but this girl is not a violent rapist. That disgusting kid from Stanford Brock Turner is a rapist. But this is more of a grey area and it has nothing to do with anyone defending a stepmother. what if 2 teens were underage and dating and then one of them turned 18, is it suddenly rape then? What is a freshman girl was dating a senior boy? Does that not ever happen? Would everyone be up in arms about that?

I think this girl is paying a horrible price for a huge mistake, and mind you I do think it was the wrong thing to do for sure, but those of you jumping for joy over it or being glad of her suffering sound heartless and awful.

twoviewpoints's picture

"Submitted by Dusti on Thu, 03/03/2016 - 9:27am.

My dd did something that i consider VERY trashy. I'm sorry if that upsets you but I feel like we are trashy right now. Bm has evidence of their relationship through texts and pictures the kids exchanged. It will definitely be easy to prove they had a sexual relationship. The attorney we spoke to said that dd can be charged and would be found guilty due to what was on dd's phone (evidence wise. If it's on hers than ss has the same on his).

SS DID seduce my dd. He turned his charms on her and it worked. She was old enough to know better. This is on her also. More her than him since she KNEW better!"

When Dustin first brought her daughter's story here, even she knowledge her daughter "knew better". Also that the sex was not a onetime event. It carried on both physically and via phone/photos.

Dustin consulted three different criminal lawyers, none of which believed her daughter would get a pass.

From there on out her daughter seemed to make the decisions including running over and talking to SS's BM.

The entire event of happenings has affected many people for many years to come. There's no turning back the clock now. The babies and father of the babies will be ok. They have plenty of loving and financial support. Dusti's focus now needs to be her daughter , helping the young woman heal and move on as much as the daughter can.

Disneyfan's picture

She was an adult. He was a child. She should have found a another adult to screw, not her stepfather's minor son.

Her stupid decision to have sex with a child, is her fault. She deserves all the pain and misery that comes her way as a result of that stupid decision.

TwoOfUs's picture

I agree with all the commenters that the DD is not innocent in all of this—but I don't think that necessarily means the SS is a victim, either. By law, we have this magic cut-off date...this magic, arbitrary number...when someone is legally an "adult." But I think we all know that real people don't easily fit into those boxes. People grow and mature at different rates.

Of course the DD should have known better and done better. But it doesn't strain credulity to think that the SS is mature for his age. I know, in my situation, my SD16 has been trying to be sexually active since about 13. She is no innocent flower...though a very sweet girl. My SS, on the other hand, is 18 and still afraid of girls, despite the fact that he's pretty handsome and looks like a full-grown adult. I would be more likely to believe that my SD initiated a sexual relationship at 14 than to think my SS was initiating one now.

I say all this to say...I don't think DD should be given a pass. But I don't think she is undeserving of any empathy, either, or that she deserves to be called horrible, mean names. She made a huge mistake and is paying a huge price.

ESMOD's picture

IDK, there is a difference between physical maturity and the ability to physically perform the sex act (including the desire to do so) and the mental maturity to be a consensual sexual partner.

At 13 or 14, that boy was not mentally mature enough to give consent. That is why the law considers the older than 18 year old adult to be the guilty party in this case.

At 18, she was an adult. Both my step daughters have had it drummed in their heads what being an adult in the eyes of the law means.

ESMOD's picture

Nope... depending upon the court system, he will be tried and convicted on the evidence.

Just because he cannot legally give consent in that state, doesn't mean he is able to be held innocent if he rapes or murders someone.

If this was rape, the OP should have pressed charges.

ESMOD's picture

Also, TBH, in this case if the facts were EXACTLY as the OP tried to tell us.

That this 13/14 yo boy seduced her naive daughter, it is likely that the court might have shown some leniency to the girl. OP didn't want to risk the repercussions for her daughter, so we will never know.

TwoOfUs's picture

I am talking about mental maturity in my post. That is often where people vary the most, and it is not completely dependent on age.

Pretty much everyone matures physically and hormonally within the same window of time, usually within a 3-4 year range. Girls typically become sexually viable between 10-15 years old, with 12 being the average. 90% of girls start between 11 and 14. Boys similarly mature physically and hormonally within an established age range. Mentally and emotionally, though, people mature at vastly different rates, depending on their natural abilities, their environment, and their experiences.

All I'm saying is that 18 is a completely arbitrary cut-off number for an "adult" that has been established by society but doesn't really hold much weight morally. Two of my three skids are over 18, and I don't consider them adults. No one here considers their 18 year old an adult...which is partly why we continue to pay for housing, school, food, etc. for our "adult" children. Practically speaking, society DOESN'T treat 18-year-olds like adults. They can't get the same kinds of jobs real adults can get. They can't rent cars. They can't drink. They aren't given the same levels of responsibility. They aren't adults...until they mess up and then we want to bring down the full fury of the law on their heads.

IMO, the statutory rape laws were put in place to protect 15-year-olds from 30-year-olds. Not to severely punish barely 18-year-olds who become romantically involved with another teen. I believe this is true no matter the gender. I taught high school and have seen just-turned-18-year-old boys totally ruined for life because their 16-year-old girlfriend's parents found out they had become sexually active. That is reprehensible to me.

ESMOD's picture

I think that the laws have tried to make some allowances for situations where there are fairly close age gaps. In fact, I think in a lot of places a 16 and 18 yo wouldn't have an issue.

My YSD is 18, has a real person job, has a credit card, pays her rent, utilities and all her college costs. She pays 100% of her vehicle ins and maintenance. The only thing she can't do is rent a car or a hotel room (which aren't legal issues but a factor of those businesses not wanting to take the risk).

I agree, that most of the statutory rape laws are in place to protect the younger and immature party from a person in a position of control.

The problem is that the law has to set some boundaries and while I agree that not every 18 yo is a mature adult, that is the age that legally, most courts will hold you responsible for your actions and begin to maintain a permanent and public record.

In this case, I think it's quite likely that the mother could have hired a lawyer to map out extenuating circumstances and bargained for a lesser charge/sentence and most likely some counseling and community service. Mom wanted to avoid that at all cost.. so we will never know how the legal system would have truly handled this case.

TwoOfUs's picture

Very true. Really, though, pretty much everywhere it depends on the parents of the minor child...how aggressive and litigious they want to be. I think most people want to be reasonable and don't want to drag their child through something awful if a real crime hasn't occurred, which provides some protection.

It is possible that in this case the courts would have been lenient...and perhaps mom should have pressed for a court hearing in order to nullify the BM's threats and done what was best for her DD. BM would have had no power if she'd said...yeah. We'll take it to court if we must, but my daughter will have a say in her reproductive future...her kids...her body.

I don't know all the details, so I can't speak to why she didn't go the direct route like that. I like to think that's what I would have done. Maybe OP was panicked...or worried about how women are treated in courts when they've been the VICTIM of an actual rape...would it be even worse if she's seen as the aggressor?

ESMOD's picture

It would have been a risk. Should the courts have some amount of ability to adjust based on certain circumstances.. of course. I probably would have been reluctant to put everyone through the court thing too. Especially since her daughter had the most to lose.

I don't necessarily think her daughter is irredeemable. I think she was unwise, immature and her participation in this as a legal adult makes her the more guilty party.

That being said, I think it would be great if everyone could try to work things out so that the babies have a drama free life surrounded by people that love and support them.

That means that whether the boy had enough maturity to have really been the aggressor, the girl is the one who legally is at risk and SHE will have to be the one to accept the responsibility. BM holds the cards (babies)... it's up to the daughter how she moves forward.

TwoOfUs's picture

I totally agree with you. I would encourage OP and her daughter to do what they have to do to get in BM's good graces...for the sake of the babies. Daughter IS in the wrong legally, whatever OP thinks of the case morally.

I was just responding to commenters who are calling her daughter "nasty" or worse. I don't think that's helpful, necessary...or even necessarily true. We honestly don't know the particulars. They could be just as OP described, or at least within the ballpark. It is clear, at the very least, that her former SS wasn't forcibly raped...so it sounds like two teens getting it on and one teen paying the price, to me. How appropriate you think that is depends on your views on teens, sex, adulthood, the purpose of the statutory rape laws...and the individual circumstances which, again, we don't really fully know.

ESMOD's picture

I think to a certain extent the reason why people have come down even harder on her daughter is due to her mother's continued insistence that this is the boy's fault and that the BM is in the wrong. The more she tries to paint her daughter as the victim, the more extreme people get in trying to make her see otherwise.

Aniki's picture

And then you have BioHo, who, at the ripe old age of 9, seduced her first 'man'; a 12 year old. :sick:

ESMOD's picture

You have got to wonder what happened to her that she was so hyper sexualized at a young age. WOW. If not, it's got to be a mental illness. That's not normal.

Aniki's picture

'Ho isn't normal; was never molested. Her claim is she is 'just always horny'. :sick: Her oldest daughter is the same way.

'Ho's parents never could control her. She intentionally got preggers at age 15 (maybe that coochie was starting to wear out...). 'Ho has never been faithful to a man in her life. She was cheating on DH as soon as her 'accidental' pregnancy was confirmed and never stopped. She has sold 'it' for dinner, clothes, money. Let SDthen14 to lose her virginity under 'Ho's roof with 'Ho's approval so SD could have good sex. WITH A 24yo. DH did not find out about this until a couple of years ago or he probably would have beaten a so-called woman for the first time in his life.

ESMOD's picture

Daaaaaamn. I guess we all want to think that people are born "pure" and that something must have to happen for them to be that f'ed up. That woman sounds like a piece of work.

Aniki's picture

Some are born bad. 'Ho is, hands down, the most disgusting piece of work I've ever had the misfortune to know. Getting laid is more important than her kids. Getting drunk is more important than her kids/spouse. If she and her partner are not getting along (and 'Ho is not getting any), 'Ho cheats. Which means she cheats regularly. She was cheating on Mr. Pinhead less than 4 months after they married.

But she is a Ho of double standards. She cheats, but her partner must not cheat. She is drunk most every night, but lectures her 24yo daughter about drinking (and that the daughter should NOT). 'Ho is a "do as I say, not as I do".