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Even after divorce dh still screwed me

Dusti's picture

Hi, It's been a while since i've been here. I've found myself drinking more than I should so I am trying to express myself and talk more instead of drinking. I'm just venting and trying to have a place to journal that no one can find. 2 weeks after our divorce was final exh came over to my place and told dd she was going to start paying child support and half of daycare costs for the twins or else. I told him to leave and no way is she going to pay she was in school full time and therapy to get over me being married to you! Exh said that he wanted $1000 a month in child support/day care costs or he was going to press charges against dd. I called his bluff and bm called me the next day and I told her dd was unemployed and she said I could pay or dd could go to jail. I decided not to be blackmailed. About 6 weeks later dd called me saying she was being arrested. My whole world came crashing down. Long story short, dd is in jail for 9 months and has to register as a sex offender for the rest of her life. That was the best that we could plea down to. I havn't seen exh or bm since but at least when this is over they can't hang this over dd's head anymore and she can begin to rebuild her life. Thanks for listening to me vent.


KittyKatMomma's picture

wait-how the hell is she (DD)suppose to be paying CS if she gave the babies up for adoption.
I wasn't aware adoptive parents could file for CS. It's my understand BM adopted the twins yes?

And truth be told-your daughter did have sex with her underage son-so it was bound to happen that DD was arrested.

ESMOD's picture

That's what I thought.

But, I guess this was really more "blackmail" than child support. He called it CS.. but it was really blackmail.

It's like my DH's EX threatening to take him to court for "reserved spousal support" if he wouldn't pay for her health insurance premium. (after both girls had aged out and they had been divorced probably 12 years or so...he called her bluff).

Unfortunately, the possibility of her being charged was always there.

KittyKatMomma's picture

well she better get a lawyer because I have cousins who were adopted-no CS ever changed hands.

I think that her DD still wants those babies
she should be allowed to fight for visitation..
But this entire situation was fcked from the start.

ESMOD's picture

I am not saying she should be taken to court for CS. I am fairly certain if this was an adoption then the DD has given up all rights and can't be asked for CS. I meant that the possibility of being charged for the crime of statutory rape was going to hang over her head.

And.. whether DD wants to see the kids or not, she gave them up for adoption. unless the adoption was set up that she had rights to updates.. she is SOL. She gave them up, she doesn't have a right to visitation.. just like they don't have a right to CS from her.

KittyKatMomma's picture

I believe she should be charged-the daughter.
However I do believe in her prior post-the daughter was having second thoughts regarding the adoption.
And I am certain that there is a grace period where the mother can take back the kids.

Again this whole situation was fu##ed because BM threatened the DD if she chose to abort-which if DD miscarried-who knows what BM would have done.

Then BM didn't want the babies but then she did-the son didn't want them-but then he did-tbh DD should have taken her lumps like the adult she is-and told BM to get fxxked and kept the kids.

however it's over and done. Best thing for DD is to move far away and start her life over elsewhere.

fakemommy's picture

It depends on the state. Some are 24 hours, some are 40 days. They were born a year ago though, so it has been too long anyway.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

What I'm getting from it is they were pretty much blackmailing them, basically saying they won't press barges if they get CS... So I don't think they were filing for it, more of just demanding it for their benefit "or-else."

Also DD doesn't have to pay the consequences for actions, bad decisions suck, but if it had a bad consequence you can't expect to walk into it and then just walk away without paying it. So I agree to that... It's no fun, but consequences are there and kind of have to be thought of before those kinds of decisions...

justkeepstepping's picture

If BM legally adopted the kids your DD shouldn't be held accountable for the costs of raising them. You're right they were just trying to blackmail you both. BUT your DD did commit the crime that she is being held for. If I were you I'd pack DD up and move away from them.

Acratopotes's picture

Now DD is paying her dues... when she's done with her punishment she can write these people off and so can you

get legal help now... DD signed them off for way any court will demand CS from her... and there's nothing XDH and BM can do about it...
they can get her back to jail for a second time... they over played their hand

DaizyDuke's picture

I'm confused. A year ago you said that BM adopted the babies. So how in the world would CS even apply? I'd look at it this way, once DD finishes her 9 months (which is really a slap on the wrist) she can put all this behind her and move on with her life and they won't be able to threaten her/you any more.

You should have recorded your conversations with ex and BM or got them to put something in writing via text or email and when they came after DD for statutory rape, you should have gone after them for blackmail.

Icansorelate's picture

have you spoken to an attorney to look into suing/having BM charged for coercion/blackmail etc?

WagiMorri's picture

Blackmail is wrong. So is having sex with a child. You have tried to shield your daughter from the consequences of her actions but it is her burden to bear. I'm sorry this has all happened. I'm sorry your daughter felt that her physical urges were more important than doing the right thing.

secret's picture

while I generally agree with you here.... this wasn't a grown woman having sex with a minor... this was a teenager having sex with another teenager. The ages were unfortunate... but I don't think there wasn't anything "predatory" about it.

Sweet T's picture

Unfortunately there are so many kids at 13 boys and girls that are sexually active and would think nothing of having sex with an older teen.

The world we live in today is a scary place for so many reasons.

I hope that my kid will know better, will have listened to me and will not be making those choices. So many messages to kids make them think they are adults and can make adult decisions.

This is just a sad situation for all parties, and then to throw the blackmail portion in really shows the character of those doing so.

WagiMorri's picture

This isn't about holding a 13 year old responsible for their actions, I hope you can understand that. A 13 year old could come up to you and start humping your leg, does that mean you'd be right to have sex with them? You, as an adult, are expected to know better. Same with OP's daughter. Part of being the older party is knowing better than to do something like that.

Now I need to go wash my hands for having to explain why child rape is wrong even if the kid was making advances for the umpteenth time.

Sweet T's picture

Wagi, yes she should have said no, I am not disputing that at all. The whole situation is just a hot, dad mess of wrong.

It is legally rape no doubt. But it is different than a predatory asshole awesome in a dark alley forcing themselves on someone.

In college I had a guy try and rape me on my first night there... i get predatory actions, then he stalked me till a football player friend threatened to kick his ass if he came near me ever... I was too afraid, ignorignorant to report it.

WagiMorri's picture

Not all rape involves force. There is grooming which is very common when it comes to child-rape. That too, is predatory. Using one's experience, maturity, and influence as a trusted adult in a child's life in order to have sex with them is VERY predatory.

WagiMorri's picture

No? Acting as the older, mature, fun, and caring sibling doesn't make the case to you? ok.

Welp! We've done all we can.

IDontCare3117's picture

If we take Dusti's earlier blogs at face value, her SS was mature for his age and her DD immature for hers. Like still learning pointed out, I don't think they saw themselves as siblings, and I certainly don't think the girl was trying to groom the boy. I can easily picture them both being about 16 years old mentally, and seeing themselves as peers. Throw in some rampant teenage hormones, and here we sit today.

Tomatoe's picture

So it's okay to rape a 13 yr old because she was immature? Where's the cut off? My son was very mature at 10. Would you excuse that to?

secret's picture

Just by the way:

The Tackling Violent Crime Act raises the legal age of sexual consent in Canada to 16 from 14, the first time it has been raised since 1892. But the law includes a "close-in-age exception," meaning 14- and 15-year-olds can have sex with someone who is less than five years older.

There's OUR cut off... there's probably something like that for the US, too.

Oh and another By the way.... it applies not just to sex... but kissing...fondling...

the full text for that section is:

Close in age exceptions
A 14 or 15 year old can consent to sexual activity as long as the partner is less than five years older and there is no relationship of trust, authority or dependency or any other exploitation of the young person. This means that if the partner is 5 years or older than the 14 or 15 year old, any sexual activity is a criminal offence.

There is also a "close in age" exception for 12 and 13 year olds. A 12 or 13 year old can consent to sexual activity with a partner as long as the partner is less than two years older and there is no relationship of trust, authority or dependency or any other exploitation of the young person. This means that if the partner is 2 years or older than the 12 or 13 year old, any sexual activity is a criminal offence.

It also looks at more than just age in other cases...

Sexual exploitation

A 16 or 17 year old cannot consent to sexual activity if:

their sexual partner is in position of trust or authority towards them, for example their teacher or coach
the young person is dependent on their sexual partner, for example for care or support
the relationship between the young person and their sexual partner is exploitative
The following factors may be taken into account when determining whether a relationship is exploitative of the young person:

the young person's age
the age difference between the young person and their partner
how the relationship developed (for example, quickly, secretly, or over the internet)
whether the partner may have controlled or influenced the young person

secret's picture

In case that wasn't clear.... Canada...a 14 year old CAN have sex with an 18 year old and it is NOT considered statutory rape.

DaizyDuke's picture

Ridic to even ATTEMPT to excuse the DD's actions. We ALL know that if the roles were reversed and SS was the 18 year old and DD was the 13 year old, everyone would be SCREAMING for "justice!" There would be no sympathy for the 18 year old rapist. I also love how when we talk about ADULT skids and their failure to launch, still living in the home etc. everyone advises that ADULT skid needs to get their shit together and get the hell out like normal ADULTS do... but for some reason on this thread people are referring to DD18 as an ignorant "child" :?

WalkOnBy's picture

"Unfortunately there are so many kids at 13 boys and girls that are sexually active and would think nothing of having sex with an older teen."

true but doesn't make it legal...

Sweet T's picture

Like I said it is legally rape. I wonder how long the statutory rape laws have been on the books?

This is totally a good life lesson for teens on making good decisions.

Sweet T's picture

I will check it out later....

I honestly believe things like this is why as a parent you need to know what your kids are doing. He'll 30 year olds make bad decisions at times.

WalkOnBy's picture


I made sure the Things fully understood the implications of the decisions they made regarding sex when they were teenagers.

At the end of the day, regardless of how one feels about the law, it IS the law and everyone needs to be aware.

I was ALL over my kids and their girlfriends/boyfriends when they lived in my house. Nobody was allowed in a bedroom, and while I am sure they hated me, I rarely left them alone when they were entertaining.

My daughter once said to me "you know, we could just go and have sex in the car, right?" My response? "of course I know that, but I am not going to make it easy for you to have sex in MY house. You're gonna have to deal with the stick shift, just like we did when we were your age." Yes, she drove a stick Smile

ETexasMom's picture

If it was an 18 year old man and 13 year old girl would you still feel it was just teenagers having sex?

secret's picture

Depends on the situation.

The OP said the boy was 14, but was built/looked like an 18/19 year old... and already sexually active... she also said that though the girl was 18, she was a premie and a bit "behind"...

If you reverse it, and the girl was the 14 year old, who looked like/acted like she was 18/19, and the boy was 18 but acted like a 16 year old... I think it would still be teenagers having sex. It's not as cut and dry as some are making it out to be, there are more factors at play that simply age.

I'm not saying I'd condone it - but at the same time, if my 14 year old daughter was caught having sex with an older boy, I wouldn't necessarily charge him with statutory rape... it would depend on the circumstances... if they'd been "dating" for a long time as opposed to just busted during a roll in the hay... the dynamic between them... how well I knew him and whether I felt he was "using" her... it's not an easy answer. In both cases, both teens are ragged from hormones and neither of them know any better... and given that boys tend to mature more slowly than girls, I'd say there's more chances that a 14 year old girl and an 18 year old boy are pretty even on the maturity scale than a 14 year old boy and an 18 year old girl.

secret's picture

Would I be ok with it? no.

Is it legal? yes.

My daughter is 14. If an 18 year old man is having sex with her, there is nothing I can do about it to prevent her from doing so other than keeping her on a 24/7 lockdown.

still learning's picture

You may want to check your state laws, every state is different. For some it's 2 years, others 3 yrs and so many months, it can get very specific.

secret's picture

I did. I posted them above. It's less than 5 years.

If the 18 year old was her boss at mcdonald's or something, there could be more I could do, because then there'd be a dynamic of authority... but no... it's sadly perfectly legal.

WalkOnBy's picture

she is in Canada - not sure why she feels it is relevant, since OP is in the states, but okay then Smile

still learning's picture

Canada seems to have a blanket law that covers the entire country. US is different and varies state to state. From OP's bio she's in Georgia.

"While no close in age exemptions exist in Georgia, if the offender is under age 19 and the victim is no more than 4 years younger, the offense is classified as a misdemeanor rather than a felony."

So if dd was 18 and ss was 13 almost 14 then they were very close to being w/in the guidelines. IMHO it's very sad that exH pressed charges just because he did not get his blackmail money.

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

Do you have any of the blackmail in writing? I'd file charges.

still learning's picture

If OP had had a record of exH trying to extort money from her in exchange for not filing charges things may have been different. It would have shown that exH cared more about the money than *justice* for his son. Though in most statuary rape cases parents don't have to file charges once the matter is brought before the courts, the courts will see that a law was broken and take action.

Sweet T's picture

I agree with you secret. She made a really bad choice and she has paid dearly for it. I hope you both get some counseling to help you get through this and move away from your ex and his family.

Tomatoe's picture

Why poor kids. They are going to grow up in a loving home. Op hasn't mentioned bm being unfit just that her own home was

still learning's picture

What a terribly screwed up situation for dd, the twins and the young father. The fact that they were trying to extort money to take care of the babies shows that they can't afford them. It would have been so much better had they been adopted out to a family who really wanted kids and had the money to raise them. The situation they're in seems so toxic and dysfunctional. Please stop drinking so much and focus on your daughter, be an example and help her rebuild her life.

I'm guessing dd won't serve the full 9 months, generally people get out early on good behavior or get time reduced if they participate in certain programs. I agree that sex between teens shouldn't be considered rape. When my dd was in 9th grade she was dating a senior, she had just turned 14 and he was 18. dd was hell on wheels and was already under the eye of school counselors and social workers. I had a social worker approach me wanting to know if dd and her bf were having sex, I told her that I don't know because honestly I didn't. She said if she found out they were that they would press charges against the 18 yr old bf. The age for legal sex between teens in our state was 3 years, dd and her bf were 4 years apart. There was no way I wanted to brand a high school kid a sex offender for the rest of his life when my daughter was dating him of her own free will and they were both in high school.

Your dd will be ok if she just keeps moving forward. There will be some careers she will be barred from like social work, law enforcement and teaching but there is still so much she can do.

Dusti's picture

Thank you to those that are offering support. There is a difference between rape and statutory rape. If ss had waited a few more months to seduce dd she would have been in the clear, not that I support what she allowed him to do. You have to know ss and know his ways to understand how dd fell for him. He looks and acts like a man and dd fell in love with him. She loved him and that makes this all the more painful for her. DD has the emotional judgement of a 14 yr old. She doesn't think things through and is extremely immature for her age. Yes, ss was 13 and she was 18 when they conceived but ss was almost 14 yrs old and he was not a virgin. We are expecting dd to get out on good behavior and she is going to enroll in college to be an accountant. I've got some money saved and I am going to try and right her life. I just have to get through this.

secret's picture

I know it's all said and done... and I don't mean to sound insensitive - but has your daughter been diagnosed with learning disabilities? As in - is it anywhere, medically, that she is not "mentally" her age?

If so, he could be charged too - because two people considered sexually mature yet "unfit to consent" (age, or mental state) can BOTH be charged with statutory rape even though it was consensual on both parts... at least, here, they can.

If no, it might be worth looking into... not that I'm suggesting your daughter is mentally unfit, but... if you're saying she's emotionally immature... get it medically confirmed.... it might help.

Dusti's picture

I would love to have ss charged with rape for taking advantage of her but since she graduated high school with no issues they refuse to accept she is immature.

WTF...REALLY's picture

This you need to let go of. This is not healthy thinking on your part. It is what it is and you need to except it and just move on to more positive future for yourself and your child.

secret's picture

book smart doesn't equal no issues

my step sister is developmentally delayed... she will forever be mentally 14. Old enough to stay alone, not "old enough" to live alone despite approaching 30.... yet went through high school, graduated... if she can go through high school WITH a diagnosis, I don't see why your dd couldn't...

WTF...REALLY's picture

Dusti, at this point all you can do is your best. Keep being there for your daughter. You both will get through this. Can you move when she gets out of jail? Get away from the whole situation and start anew?

Hang in there. This too shall pass and your daughter can still have a bright future.

WTF...REALLY's picture

Sounds like all you can do is take it day by day. Be there for your daughter and take care of yourself. Try to not let your drinking take your life.

still learning's picture

^^Good advice. Also know that when dd is out exH will have nothing on her, the ordeal is done. I hope that dd at least will be able to relocate and put some distance between herself and this mess.

Puzzled9401's picture

While it is not right what happened and OP’s DD SHOULD have known better, I am also going to throw in that teens these days are not the “innocent” little victims some posters make them out to be. I will never for get the time SD said to me “a lot of my friends think my dad is f*ing hot and have a crush on him” :sick: mind you she was 14 at the time!! I also noticed one of them openly flirting with him. Who does that??? My husband is nearly 50 and was quite creeped out. He informed SD she was NOT to be allowed back. Some of these kids have real mental issues, not that it makes anything right - I am just pointing out that today’s kids are very um knowledgeable?

Cutter's picture

My son is 12 and I would kill someone for rapping him. Yes it IS rape. While he may know better he is still being enticed by a grown up who has the life experience to take advantage of him. I am HOT under the collar at this!!! I can't believe some people are justifying this although I am not surprised, I think it's their thing but whatevs.

Acratopotes's picture

are you also going to kill your son when he has sex with a 11 year old child? Cause then he's the rapist...

be careful what you say

FrenchPeas's picture

Look at all these school kids having sex with their teachers. It's an epidemic of idiocy out there. Kids today aren't like we were when we were kids. Blows my mind.

Dovina's picture

Kids today are at a different level than 20 years ago for sure in their sexual knowledge and exposure IMO.
It floors me every time I read these cases of students with teachers. Even more astounding is the female teachers convicted. What the he** is going on? It used to be the creepy predator male teacher known for such horrible acts, not anymore.

still learning's picture

There was a rumor about a young good looking female basketball coach having relations w/one of the football players when I was in high school. It happened then and happens now. I think one of the main differences is that people are stupid and leave evidence everywhere through texting and social media so it's easier to get caught.

Paintcrisis's picture

What makes me sick about this whole thing is the blackmail and all the hoops you jumped through with them and she still ended up being charged at the 11th hour. Hindsight is always 20/20 but I’m sure you wished you had gone your own way in the beginning and let the chips fall. You haven’t come out any better in the end and it could have saved a long road of anguish.

I am so sorry it turned out this way. At least now you can move on without fear of their threats.

Focus on your daughter and healing from this all.