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Frustrated with DH due to job loss

Daisymazy2's picture

Dh found out earlier this month that his company will close and he will lose his job in March. In October, his company lost a major client and I told Dh that he needed to look for a job. Of course, this statement fell on deaf ears.

His company is offering some employees a job across(over 1000 miles away) the US in a major metropolitan. DH wants to move. I am shocked but in my opinion the move just doesn't make sense financially.

DH "thinks" he will make an additional $12,000 a year. The company will give him a relocation package of about $3,000. Dh's commute will be 45 minutes in traffic. He has an hour 1/2 commute now with very little traffic.

Rent will be over $1,000 more a month. I will lose my job. I have been with my company almost 10 years. I have busted my behind to move up to make more money. Dh has only worked for his company for 3 years. I have looked in the area and I will not be able to make the money that I make now, I will lose about $10,000 a year. I work from home now. I will have at least a 45 minute drive in traffic. I will have to buy a new wardrobe for work.

We (99% me) have some money saved. We were looking at buying a house here. If we move, that savings will be gone in about 1 week. We would need first and last months rent plus deposit for a rental.

I currently pay all the household bills and my car payment and phone bill. Dh does give me money from time to time to help pay the bills but most of his money is going towards child support and SD. DH and I have separate banking accounts. DH is horrible with money.

I know that BM will ask for more child support and DH will have to fly back for court. I have tried to give DH all the cons of moving. He is dead set on going.

If it wasn't for the fact that I would have to get the apartment lease in my name and pay the first, last months rent and deposit, I would send DH and he could stay there by himself.

I have tried to convince DH to apply for a job here that pays almost the money he is making now with only a 30 minute commute. He doesn't want it because it isn't in his field and it is a 2nd shift job. There isn't any jobs in his field available right now but they could be opening up. I would hate for him to pass up this job that pays within a $1,000 a year of what he is making now.

Can anyone think of any more cons? Also, if you have in pros let me know.


beebeel's picture

None of the pros and cons other people post should matter. Your DH is being ridiculous. If you don't want to sacrifice 10 years for his pipe dream, don't.

ndc's picture

What does your DH say to the fact that YOU don't want to move and don't want to give up a job you like that you've had for 10 years? Does SD live near you now? He's willing to move 1000 miles from his child? Do you have family where you currently live? Friends? He is willing, and expects you, to move away from them? Why can't he apply for the job he doesn't want and do that job while he looks for/waits for something to open up in his field? This seems incredibly selfish on your DH's part. Is he panicking and not thinking straight, or is he always like this?

Daisymazy2's picture

My BS, grand daughter and friends live here. I was shocked that DH would even think of moving an hour away from SD. He threw a major tantrum a few years back when I mentioned moving less than 3 hours away due to a job move. He was so afraid that he would not see SD. I am still trying to understand why he is now willing to move over 1000 miles away. We would not know anyone there.

He just isn't taking NO, for an answer. I was going to sit down with him again and give him a list of all the cons and all the pros (I can't find any). I am going to make a list of all the pros (I can't find any) and cons to moving. I am hoping that will process through with him.

hereiam's picture

How can he not take "no" for an answer if he cannot afford to move on his own? He cannot MAKE you quit your job and move.

I hope the savings that you have is in an account that is in your name only.

Daisymazy2's picture

I am not going to move. He just doesn't seemed to listen when I say " No". I didn't just say NO, I am not moving. I started giving him cons as to why I am not moving. For some reason, he just can't hear me when I say, No. He is wanting to move so bad.

My savings and checking is in my account and MY name only. He isn't getting any of it.

Blue Moon's picture

Good for you for holding your ground. If you simply refuse to pay for the move, he will have to hear «NO» eventually.

ndc's picture

It sounds to me like he's in panic mode and not thinking straight. How much time does he have to make a decision? What do you think he'll do if you just tell him you're not willing to move?

hereiam's picture

I have tried to convince DH to apply for a job here that pays almost the money he is making now with only a 30 minute commute. He doesn't want it because it isn't in his field and it is a 2nd shift job

Well, boo hoo. Sometimes we have to do things that we don't really want to do... until we find something that we do want to do.

After my DH's place of employment closed down, he worked several jobs that were not the best fit for him, until he found his current job, that he loves. It took time and it was very stressful but we made it through.

You pay all of the household bills, you have saved money to buy a house, it doesn't seem like he can afford to move on his own, so I don't know how he can be "dead set" on going. How is he going to manage that?

I don't think he has thought this through, he is just shell shocked at the news that he will be losing his job. Which I totally get, that would be an awful feeling. But moving 1000 miles away in a panic, is not the answer.

Daisymazy2's picture

I agree. I have worked many jobs that I do not like with crappy hours. DH has worked those jobs too. This isn't the first time he has been laid off from a job. He was laid off about 4 years ago. He is still trying to recover financially for that. I understand and have tried to encourage him to pay off his bills.

His normal reaction to a situation like this would be to find a job ANY job here. I have to be close to SD.

His thinking now has me scratching my head wondering WHY?

futurobrillante99's picture

OMG - I don't know your story or how your relationship is with your DH, but if many of his company's staff is also being offered this same deal, is it possible he's having a relationship with someone at his office and she's moving 1000 miles away, so he wants to move, too?? I guess this is dumb because if that was the case, he could just move with her, right? I guess it's a dumb suggestion. Sorry to go there.

I'm sure that's not the case, but I can't see why a guy would be pushing so hard to move away from his kids unless there was a compelling reason.

BethAnne's picture

Have you tried just listening to him and his reasons without countering his arguments? Really try to find out where his motivation to leave comes from. Try to establish a little understanding perhaps even empathy with him and his thinking. Refrain from going over your con list again while he shares his feelings. Then you could take a little time to think things over from his point of view and either come back to him with reassurances to counter his fears or possible routes that he could take to achieve where you are now what he thinks he is going to achieve if you move.

Daisymazy2's picture

For the past two days, he has called me on his way home from work. I have tried to just listen to see why he is so anxious to move. I think we will have a heart to heart this weekend and see if I can find out why.

BethAnne's picture

That sounds like a good idea. I hope that it goes well. He has heard your list of cons and it does not seem to be sinking in. So finding out what he is thinking and feeling may help you two to have a constructive conversation where you can really address what is going on and work together to find a solution that will work for both of you. Sometimes we have to acknowledge the hopes, dreams and fears of our partners rather than just sticking with our rehearsed arguments and a wall of rejection (however logical it is). That way he feels appreciated and understood and perhaps you two can find a way to let you both get a little of what you want and make progress rather than one person winning and the other loosing.

futurobrillante99's picture

I'd let him go on HIS OWN dime and figure out how to manage his expenses on his own. I would feel very used in this scenario. Like the only reason he's taking you along is to pay all his bills.

Please stand your ground and stay put. This sounds like a very expensive and foolish venture on his part.

Tiger7's picture

I had let my EX talk me into a few things that I knew in my heart and gut were not going to be good for me or the family and I definitely ended up regretting it. One was a move a city away (about an hour from where we were). Worst decision of my life. We did end up moving back but the whole thing cost us in many ways.

FieryEscape's picture

Just no.....tell him I can't he wants to move, he is 100% on his own. You basically support is he even thinking ?

DPW's picture

Like the others have said, this simply just does not make any sense. I agree with listing all the pros and cons; perhaps this way, your DH will see it on paper and hopefully it will sink in.

blueskies4me's picture

Don’t do it! He is screwing you over thirteen ways from Sunday!

Why are you staying with a bozo that gives his spawn excessive money rather than pay his bills? He is USING you as a cash cow!