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Feeling so lonely

Starryeyed's picture

I met dh five years ago when we both worked in the Middle East. Two lost souls (I was only 26 yo at the time) and after two years we moved back to our home country. While I had met dh son it was a real shock moving back and having his son around every weekend. For the past few years this has not changed , it is very wearing. Anyway we moved back to dh city which is about 3 hours away from my family. For a while that was ok but now that we have had bs 6 months we want to start putting down roots. The city we live in has such a high cost of living it had been putting huge financial strain on me for the past year (my portion of rent alone is 2/3 of my salary). I'm due back in work shortly which will cost around 1000e for childcare a month which will mean that paying rent, travel and childcare I will have no money left over at all.

Dh did not want to move cities because of ss. Understandable but our money would have stretched so much further even if we had moved an hour away. The cost of living is so much lower. Where my parents live, houses are half of what they cost here and my parents also wished to look after bs while we worked as they are retired. However, dh did not want to live ss and has now taken on a really highly pressurised job. He is NEVER here. I have a couple of friends , one in particular I'm very close to but she is moving abroad this summer.
I just about tolerated living here when dh was around because at least he was home before 7pm, now he lives before we wake up and is home after baby is in bed. I know it's killing him and he is working so hard but he says it's going to be like this for at least 2 years. I'm going to really struggle when I go back to work because I have an hours commute in the traffic. I feel like I'm never going to see my baby Sad all because of where we live. Sorry I'm moaning, I just needed to vent because I'm feeling so so crappy about all of this. It's just so hard to get a foot up in life sometimes. My parents have been visiting for the past 3 days, I'm pmsing and am just feeling emotional as I won't see them for another month.


robin333's picture

I agree with Squidlet. Why do 3 people suffer so 1 doesn't? From a financial standpoint, it's going to be very difficult with child care expenses.

Having newborn and limited support sucks. You need family that can and will be close enough to assist. Honestly, I don't know how I survived and my then DH was home around 6pm.

I wish you were close, I'd come over with dinner, put fresh sheets on your bed and watch the little one while you napped. Hugs!

moeilijk's picture

You can't afford to pay 2/3 of your income on rent. No one can. If you weren't with DH, you'd never have considered it. But that's unreasonable. If you wanted to buy a house, you wouldn't get a mortgage if 2/3 of your income would be going on payments, because it's too much.

Your circumstances have to change.

Gimlet's picture

Starry, I don't mean this in a mean way, but aren't you pretty much already a single mom right now, even though you're married? Maybe you and baby moving closer to your parents wouldn't be such a bad idea.

twoviewpoints's picture

I don't know what traffic/travel is like where OP lives, but the hour away thing might be worse than I imagine it. My exDIL lives an hour away, thus GS is an hour down the interstate when he's with BM.

My son (and the rest of us as we all help out) scoot up and down that road all the time. Pick-up/drop-off, sports games, school events. Would an hour away really make that much difference for Dad to see his son? If there is decent wages ad cost of living that close that makes a major impact on finances, I don't understand what such a big deal an hour of travel is. It's not like Dad couldn't get his son every weekend as he already does.

A good share of routine kid exchanges for my GS, BM drives halfway which is nice, but if she has plans and can't it's no biggie.

Is it having to use public transport perhaps where you live that makes an hour away so unthinkable?

Anyway... if I were you for the present, I'd go 'home' for a couple weeks with your parents. Visit, take a mini vacation, let them pamper you and baby. You need a good 'me me me' break.

Starryeyed's picture

Thanks so much for responding to me ladies, today has been a particularly down day for me. But poor dh sensed something was wrong and came home early (7pm) to spend some time with me and baby. I feel so guilty because he was asleep on the couch by 9. This job is so stressful and I feel I'm making it worse by becoming emotionally distant but I just can't help it??? Part of me just feels like he has everything he wants: we're living where he wants, near his family, he has ss whenever he wants, he's mr big shot in his job but it has very little monetary gain at the moment (actually he bms were the only ones to benefit!!). I've mentioned before my job is highly skilled but poorly paid due to recession but I could move around in the country easy enough where my wages would stretch further. Ideally the plan was always to move abroad again because I am paid fairly in most other countries but can not go now and I resent dh for that!! It's confusing but tomorrow I'm going to put a smile on my face and count my blessings. Thanks for listening ladies. It always helps.

moeilijk's picture

You can't move to get better wages because your DH has accepted a job close to his older kids. But before you got married, the plan was that you would move abroad again so that you could earn more.

Sounds like DH broke your agreement. No wonder you have a sh!tload of resentment building up.

It's tough to be in a different country, it's tough to have a small child, it's tough to be an SM... and it's tough to feel unimportant in your marriage. I can tell you which one of those would break my spirit.

Flying.Purple.Step.Monster's picture

An hour away shouldn't be that big of a deal! I drive an hour each way for work and it's not a big deal. Why should your life suffer so much when making the change wouldn't be that big of a deal.

LikeMinded's picture

I don't understand why you feel guilty for your husband being tired... he made the decision to put his son's needs above everyone else's. You will have to commute one hour and earn less. Your baby won't see its parents. You husband has to work all hours... he did this to himself.

Why do you feel guilty??? Your own needs have been completely dismissed.

What country is your home country?