Loveless relationship
I never thought I’d write this. It’s probably because I’ve had too many vodkas in a family zoom chat but here goes. Might be the best place as this doesn’t get much traffic anymore and could really do with some support.
Myself and oh are together 9.5 years. We own a house - not married - have 2 children.
My oh sleeps in the spare bedroom. My children refer to it as daddy’s bedroom.
I’m 35 years old. Relatively attractive for my age. My son is diabetic so even before lockdown we did t go out for drinks etc. The most we have ever done is a few drinks while we watch tv on the couch/ no conversation really.
We have gone from a really loving relationship to maybe room mates who share children? I messaged my oh 3 weeks ago, a long detailed message, saying I needed love in my life, that if I’m starting over, I want to do it at 35 not 40. He never replied. We have sex now and again when he initiated.
We live in Ireland in the middle of a housing crisis. I can’t afford mortgage on my own and he can’t afford to pay it and live elsewhere.
Don’t know what to do.
Have no excitement in life. No nothing. In lockdown with kids at home seeing no one else not even family and he just comes home from work and pays attention to the kids but not to me. His life hasn't changed as he still sees his friends through work and his family as he is their carer. Feeling really low.
it was my uncles anniversary and there was a zoom chat with aunties/uncles and all my cousins and their spouses and children. My children came on but my oh refused to do so. Would have meant a lot to me.
i genuinely feel like he likes me anymore.
but if I was to leave I would have to move into emergency accommodation such as a b & b with my children for at least a few years. I do not want them to be in one bedroom for a few years. This breaks my heart.
also before anyone says to go to college to better myself. This is how it is in Ireland. I have two masters but could not afford a mortgage and childcare on my own even with maintenance as the housing crisis is pretty severe.
What to do?
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Comments
Sorry to hear this.
Sorry to hear this.
How did he end up in the other room? Have you asked him why he has yet to respond to your text?
Wow it's been awhile since
Wow it's been awhile since you have been here. But this sounds like it's not just a sudden thing, it's been going on for years. Honestly does he say he still want to be married or is he living a separate life already? As in dating other women.
First, I'd find out if he
First, I'd find out if he wants to remain married. Then, if he doesn't, you two can "uncouple" but live together. It's not ideal, but I think you two could figure out a schedule where you "switch off" care every couple of days so that you each get time to yourself.
Do some research, you'd probably find some ideas and support online on how to make it happen. You can remain roommates, at least in the interim, while you both figure out a plan going forward.
The other option could be that you two "split" a one-bedroom somewhere and you two rotate out who lives there and who lives in the house. That way the kids don't get crammed into somewhere but you two get space from one another. Definitely not a conventional idea, but if moving out and living separately would significantly and negatively impact the kids, to the point that you wouldn't be able to survive or recover financially, you'll have to get creative. These two options would give you freedom but stability - though probably would only be a temporary solution that might get you through the next year.
Just wouldnt be posible in
Just wouldnt be posible in Ireland sadly. We live in a four bed. We all have our own bedrooms. He works long hours. Kids adore him when he is home. He just doesn't love me and not sure I love him anymore. Don't love this life. No excitement and hasn't been for a long long time/
I haven't read your blogs so
I haven't read your blogs so don't know your backstory. What I do know is that historically marriage has not been about romance and excitement, it's been about resources and family. Only in recent times has romance and happiness actually been expected from marriage. You're not married but you have a marriage like relationship with shared kids, a home, etc. All relationships go through rough patches and lull's. There's the saying about the 7 year itch when marital happiness supposedly declines and the eye starts wandering. It sounds like you're there and then some. Begging your man for attention never works. Check out the book, "The Rules" and "Mars and Venus in the Bedroom." Some people say these books are sexist and outdated but they give a basic understanding of how our Cromagnum counterparts think about and relate to women.
I wouldn't give up and move out with your kids. Living in a one bedroom sounds miserable. Is counseling an option? Breaking up and starting over now with two kids in tow won't be easy. Yeah you may find new romance but at what price and how long will that last? Men in their late 30's - 40's usually have their share of baggage by now. Do you really want to start the whole SM process again? At least now you know what you're dealing with.
Sorry you're going through this. It sucks.
I am with still learning on
I am with still learning on this one.
I feel like moving out isn't a smart option right now, it is an emotional one. Even if you do decide to end your marriage, cohabitate. You are already living separate lives, just distance yourself more and consider him a roommate for now. Things won't be like this forever, Covid will end. Housing and the economy will shift back. At that point you can sell the house you currently have and physically separate.
This is a resource sharing situation, it is what is best for the kids. Try and keep it business and emotion out.