Go to the bank immediately and remove half the funds in the joint account and move them to a different bank in an account in just your name. As soon as wife gets wind of you leaving, she will do similar. If she is willing to spend your money without consulting you, then don't expect her to play fair. Protect your money first, then start the discussion about your differences.

I'd just tell her you are not prepared to foot the SS bills and so you have taken steps to ensure she doesn't bilk you.

I keep saying on here that later life marriages should be run with separate finances. The only joint funds should be equally contributed to for very specific purposes like groceries. Each party is responsible for their offspring. This should be a firm boundary feom the start.

It doesn't stop there. There should aslo be a firm and agreed understanding about each other's retirement preparation. I had a partner who,didn't give a scoobie about how much he needed to,save, and then he gave his son £90k out of the blue! Guess who got their marching orders. You are not wrong to feel the way you do.

Only one thing. Just moving money into a separate account doesn’t mean it’s safe. As long as your married unless you have some sort of prenuptial agreement money in one account is money that BOTH have rights to. Even more so if she can show that it was a JOINT account that you took money out of to move into your own account.

I’m not saying she’s right to do what she did but this is something that my SO is going through right now. We will NEVER have a joint account while his kids are minors because there are ways ex can work around and get what is what is considered my money if his name is on the account too. We will have a prenuptial agreement if we do get married to protect our own accounts. For instance I have a 401K that is completely mine and will only ever be mine since it is through my work. But if we get married then divorced he could still have a claim to it because marital assets are joint assets.

Only you know whether the purpose of the shared account has been agreed by both of you. If your wife has been paying her daughter's mortgage out of that account, without telling you, then a few frank questions need to be tabled. Do you not regularly check the outgoings of that account? Have you also got joint credit cards because she needs to be taken off those if you don't trust her. Do an audit of the spending now...there may be other surprises.

The reason to take half of the funds out now is so that she cannot continue to spend YOUR money. It may well be that in the event of a divorce, you have to declare the existence of all accounts, investments, pensions etc. and then have all of that subject to sharing. Not sure how it works in Ireland.

Since you married later in life, you should dig up records of what assets you already owned when you married her, because she should only benefit from any gain in value since the date of marriage.

You say you don't know how you feel about her...understandable, since by your account it would seem she "saw you coming" or perhaps, sadly, is just a financial cretin. Somehow, from her behaviour, I would tend to believe the first reason.

I suspect you may have put her on the house deed, trying to be a good husband. That may complicate any separation. Best to get your legal ducks pined up, and just deal with it according to the rules while avoiding huge confrontations.

Take nothing but cash from the bank when you leave, no checks of any sort to stop payment.

First, Go take your half out of the account and open an account only in your name and put all of your income in that account only. If DW wants to give her waste of skin spawn her money... so be it. Do not contribute any money to her in any way. Pay your half of the bills directly to the service providers and inform DW that she has to do the same.

My condolences on a DW who is more interested in being married to her toxic spawn than to you.

good for you! dont walk but run to get legal advice. you will be happy you did. for that large amount of money you should have been consulted.

your wife betrayed you and your joint finances.

i did this with dh and his skids.

you have my sympathies.

Steve,
Brace yourself for some drama when she gets upset about being told in writing...when in fact you are doing the right thing to protect yourself. Best to avoid verbal jousting.

I would be a little concerned for you in that she has SS there to take her side. Protect your personal safety if you must go back in the house. It night be wise to anticipate trouble and take any genuine valuables with you when you temporarily leave. One scenario says you may not return for a while until you can legally get both of them out of your house.

Another scenario, the one where she prmises to change her ways, well, that may not be a success either, since she has already deceived you. How are you going to be able to trust her again?
Is this whole thing not a huge romance killer?

At your stage in life, you simply may not be able to,afford these leeches sucking your finances dry. It may be the only sensible choice.

You may know deep down this is the beginning of the end. It may be the best outcome to end it...it's just a matter of how you survive the drama. From personal experience, I would strongly recommend physically avoding someone who has been caught defrauding you. Women can throw punches too. Right now she thinks you are conned; don't mistake "getting on well right now" for actually sleeping with your potential enemy. Good luck.

Just as we predicted...SHE is shocked and hurt....how about the shock and hurt YOU felt when you discovered you had been paying her daughter's mortgage? Con artists often try to play victim when caught red handed.

Stay strong, Steve. Watch her actions, don't be sweet-talked. Of course she needs to strike a deal with you or she and the loafer will be out on the pavement. You are free now to make a clean break if your gut tells you this thing is not going to work.

Imagine your life with them gone back to England. What was it like before? Weigh the pro's and con's, make productive use of your little holiday away from them, and lay out Plan B for yourself in case you decide to call it quits. At least then you will have some momentum to carry through with your decision.

If you truly want to end it all fairly, then she should reimburse your portion of the funds that paid the mortgage, and then she should do the decent thing and take her baggage home...across the Irish Sea. No one deserves to be taken for a fool at our stage in life. Or used as an ATM.

Well done. Hopefully this has served to clear the air. If you are both able to bring honest communication to the relationship, with SS gone, it has a chance to,work. Stay vigilant though because actions speak louder than words.